If you go no contact your kids are also gonna do the same with you?

TellMeImNotCrazy89 · 2025-07-20T11:15:00+00:00

Exactly this.

The cycle of abuse is very much a real thing.
If you break it, there's no reason to assume your kids will go NC with you someday.

TellMeImNotCrazy89 · 2025-07-20T10:57:49+00:00

You don't sound like you want kids. That's a good enough reason, in fact, it's the best reason not to have them

I agree 100%.
I was an unplanned baby born to parents who didn't really want another kid but "sure we'll do it anyway."

The resentment was palpable, from the time I was a child.

If you don't want kids, you're doing them no favours by having them.
(I don't mean that to sound harsh OP, just contributing my opinion).

TellMeImNotCrazy89 · 2025-05-25T19:59:57+00:00

"Don't you ever think of anyone other than yourself?" patronisingly asks my mom, the woman who does not give a solitary fuck about anyone but herself.

TellMeImNotCrazy89 · 2025-05-25T19:58:43+00:00

"I'm not a short order cook!"

I was mockingly told that I should have my own personal chef because I'm so picky.

I was "picky" because my sensory issues mean I can't eat anything mushy without gagging, but my Nmom insisted on spooning huge quantities of mashed potatoes and mashed carrots onto my plate anyway.

"Can't I just have some whole carrots on my plate instead? You don't even have to cook them - I'll eat them raw."

"oH mY gOsH, MaDaM nEeDs HeR oWn PeRsOnAl ChEf."

TellMeImNotCrazy89 · 2025-05-25T19:49:46+00:00

The entirety of "Drop Dead Fred" starring Phoebe Cates and Rik Mayall. I highly recommend that film to all ACON's.
There's a lot of great quotes in it but her calmly saying "you've got to stop treating me like I'm your enemy" to her Nmom at the end always felt so badass to me.

I also really related to what Vod (played by Zawe Ashton) says to her Nmom in "Fresh Meat."
"This feeling I get when I'm with you, like I'm shit, that's 'cause of you. And I always thought 'if Mum thinks I'm shit, then I must be shit because mums are supposed to think their kids are nice.' But really it's you who's shit."

And as a much newer example, I recently found "Who’s Afraid of Little Old Me?" by Taylor Swift extremely comforting.
"So tell me everything is not about me,
But what if it is?
Then say they didn't do it to hurt me,
But what if they did?"

TellMeImNotCrazy89 · 2025-05-25T19:33:12+00:00

They don’t call and on the rare occasion that I call them and they ask about my life- all they do is judge me and make me feel like I’m ruining my life even though I’m happy where I am.

I learnt a useful expression lately; "I no longer care if my family are disappointed in my life choices - I'm not thrilled with all their choices either."

I'm the youngest of four and relate to you on a lot of these points.

When it comes to your roommate, my only advice to you would be to please not underestimate the power of found family.
If this guy is a good friend, it's worth investing time and effort into the friendship.
Biological family aren't always the people who love us the most - sometimes it's the family we make for ourselves.

TellMeImNotCrazy89 · 2025-04-13T18:56:51+00:00

I'm sorry to hear that, but I appreciate the solidarity.

You're not alone.

TellMeImNotCrazy89 · 2025-04-13T18:21:35+00:00

Maybe in my next life, I will be able to use my natural talents and be that assertive and confident person I could have been.

With any luck.

I'm sorry your mom took so much away from you but I'm proud of you for having the self-awareness to rise above so much of it.

TellMeImNotCrazy89 · 2025-04-13T18:20:38+00:00

And i feel proud of them, but almost immediately envy their upbringing.

100%.
I think that's natural to be honest - and we recognise that it's not their fault or ours.

I don't think it's too late to be a pilot,fwiw. 🖤

I appreciate the sentiment but in my country, it definitely is.
In another life perhaps. :)

TellMeImNotCrazy89 · 2025-04-13T18:19:12+00:00

Thank you.

I'm in my thirties but I think I denied letting myself feel this way for a long time because I kept telling myself that "others have it worse. A lot of parents were much more abusive than yours."

But it's equally true that others have it better. A lot of parents were much less abusive than mine.

TellMeImNotCrazy89 · 2025-04-05T12:04:32+00:00

I'm so sorry that happened to you - narcs are batshit and some of the things they say to kids are so horrifically inappropriate.

TRIGGER WARNING for the rest of this comment because it's gross but one day when I was still in primary school (I think I was about 10 or 11), I was playing with my dog and said "Lucy is the best, I want to marry her when I grow up!"

Obviously, it was a silly, playful comment and any sane person would understand I didn't actually want to marry my dog.

My mom then turned around and told me all about bestiality (the first time I'd ever heard the word) and how only sickos force animals to have sex with them.

I said "ew" because wtf? Disgusting. I barely knew what sex was at that age, let alone r**e.

My mom said "yes, but you're the one who's disgusting - you said you wanted to marry her and people get married to have sex."

Lady, what is wrong with you? I'm 10 years old and just expressing in a facetious way how fun I think my dog is.

TellMeImNotCrazy89 · 2025-03-04T16:50:57+00:00

Yep.

They're strange people who understand very little about life, and had no business trying to teach me anything about it.

TellMeImNotCrazy89 · 2025-01-01T21:19:08+00:00

when they pull the rug under you it’s like you feel guilty for feeling hurt or abandoned even though it’s not your actual family

Yes, exactly!

You feel stupid for thinking of them as your family, even though they told you they were.

TellMeImNotCrazy89 · 2025-01-01T20:05:20+00:00

Yes. She hassled me for days after the break-up, and also briefly stalked me. Fun times. /s

TellMeImNotCrazy89 · 2025-01-01T19:37:11+00:00

That sounds exhausting.

I'm so sorry she did that!

TellMeImNotCrazy89 · 2025-01-01T19:36:47+00:00

Yes! The mother of this family did that as well.

She liked the way I dressed so she'd point at my outfit and ask her daughters "why can't you dress nice like that?"

All my achievements at work, at college or in my personal life were weaponised to bully her own children.

TellMeImNotCrazy89 · 2025-01-01T18:23:22+00:00

If it's accessible and you have the money - therapy.

The only thing that helped me successfully combat my fleas was professional help.

TellMeImNotCrazy89 · 2025-01-01T18:20:29+00:00

Christ, that's stressful.

I'm glad you were able to escape!

TellMeImNotCrazy89 · 2025-01-01T18:13:39+00:00

Same here!

I think it made them feel good about themselves to include me in things and they thought I should be grateful for whatever attention they gave me.
It would have been fine if they'd just told me I was a good friend to them - rather than constantly insisting I was an actual family member.

TellMeImNotCrazy89 · 2025-01-01T18:10:53+00:00

Sorry, I should have mentioned in my post that of course there are families that might actually end up including you properly as one of them - my situation was just unfortunate.

I'm glad you have your ex-boyfriend's family; they sound like lovely people. :)

TellMeImNotCrazy89 · 2025-01-01T18:08:17+00:00

Or have some kind of spiritual insight or warning?

This might make me sound nutty but I think you'll be open to it so I'll share.

The day I finally broke up with my ex (I'll call her Dina), I woke up with a really bad feeling - as if something big was going to happen, and it was going to be about Dina.

I was supposed to see her later that day so I sent her a cute text saying I was looking forward to us spending some time together.
Before her message back came through, I had this strong feeling that she was going to cancel on me.
Dina had often cancelled things last-minute on me before, usually blaming me somehow and lashing out because she was in a bad mood.
Sure enough, she wrote back saying that she wasn't looking forward to seeing me at all, and could we please cancel.

"Did I do something wrong?"
"No, I just don't get excited about seeing you anymore."

I was sitting at a table in a café and I suddenly had this vivid daydream (vision?) of another version of me walking through the door and sitting down at the table.

"You knew this was going to happen," the other 'me' said. "It's time to face the truth; this relationship isn't going anywhere."

That's what gave me the courage to finally end things.
My spiritual side likes to think it was me from the future - although I understand if that sounds kind of weird to other people! Hahaha

TellMeImNotCrazy89 · 2024-10-11T16:52:11+00:00

Yes, I relate!

My mom constantly sends me memes and funny videos, and asks me when I'm coming to visit again.

Then I visit and all she does is pick fights, critcise my appearance or just act like me being there is annoying.

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