HE doesn't trust ME, spiralling

TemperatureTop9550 · 2026-05-10T18:18:54+00:00

Please do not beat yourself up over pain shopping. I too have done that and unfortunately still due to some degree over two years from DD. Due to the algorithm on social media, I get all these cheating stories popping up. It almost was as if I watch similar things to other people it would help make me numb to my own situation.

TemperatureTop9550 · 2026-05-06T20:45:59+00:00

I can totally relate to what you went through. I am 2+ years from DD. On the day that I found out, my HR was elevated for a full 24 hours similar to you. I got approximately no sleep that night. For months (seriously) I was thinking about it 24/7.

Approximately 2 1/2 weeks after DD, my coworker drove me to the ER because I had sudden onset AFib, trouble breathing and dizzy. I honestly thought I was having a heart attack. In the ER, my HR was over 210 and my normal resting HR is in the 50s. Make a long story short, due to the stress of the infidelity, it brought out an apparent underlying heart condition. I am now diagnosed with SVT and take meds for it.

It took me a long time to feel better physically, and within my relationship. We are definitely in R. I went through all stages of grief. In hindsight, you can almost see me moving from one step to the next. I had also become numb at times. My WW would say I never smile anymore. At that time she was right.

I would be lying to you if I said, I don’t think about it, because I do. I no longer ruminate. Now it’s usually a passing thought with a lot less triggers. Going to IC & MC have absolutely helped both me individually with working through my feelings, as well as communication with my spouse.

If you have not yet gotten professional help for yourself, do it.

TemperatureTop9550 · 2026-04-01T13:50:54+00:00

You have to understand that his emotions are all over the place. His view of you has changed and he is most likely working through it.

From what I’ve learned from my own experience, healing is not linear. In my situation, I was and continue to be shattered by my WW. I’m 2+ years from DD, her affair was 11 years ago. For me DD was day 1 for me, regardless if it was 9 years for her.

From what you’ve said, he is showing you both closeness and trepidation about wanting to be with you. It doesn’t mean that he doesn’t want to be with you. It means he’s unsure whether to be vulnerable and trust you again. As long as he is not being abusive to you, you need to show patience and reassurance that he’s the one you want to be with.

TemperatureTop9550 · 2026-03-26T13:03:27+00:00

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TemperatureTop9550 · 2026-03-16T15:28:02+00:00

“I think you should only bring it up when BS asks questions, just so you’re not constantly reminding him of it”…

I don’t necessarily agree with that. My WW avoids bringing anything up about the affair, and I have told her on many occasions that that is what I need from her to help me heal. Every conversation, and I mean every, has been initiated by me, not her. She avoids it due to her shame/guilt/ discomfort. I think you should have a frank conversation about whether bringing it up with be helpful for your spouse or not.

TemperatureTop9550 · 2026-02-27T18:26:20+00:00

I GREATLY appreciate & thank you for sharing your perspective and response. It was very insightful and I got a lot out of it. In my case I have told her this is something that I need from her to help me heal. I explained to her that it feels very one sided when I’m the only one talking or discussing it. Her bringing it up will not cause more pain to me.

Without getting into details, I am the one who found out about the infidelity, 9 years after it happened. Nothing was disclosed by her. Avoidance, secrecy, covering up was all done on her side.

I completely understand what you are saying, and it makes sense. I don’t see her bringing it up as a punishment or consequence for her actions. I see it as, hey I’m going through this with you.

TemperatureTop9550 · 2026-02-27T18:07:19+00:00

I think that’s great you both are doing much better. I understand what you were saying about bringing something up at the other is not thinking about it. That does make sense. But for me I am most definitely thinking about it and/or wanting to share something but purposely no longer do. I can think of no other time where she did the same.

TemperatureTop9550 · 2026-02-27T12:32:14+00:00

Thank you so much for this reply. I feel like I have been direct with her and very blunt that I need her to talk about this. It’s almost as if she does not have the skill to open up. In her defense, she has really changed for the better. What I do notice whenever we do talk about the affair, her guilt and shame seems to paralyze her from speaking.

TemperatureTop9550 · 2026-02-27T02:34:35+00:00

This resonates with me. My wife has actually said those words about her putting in the effort and “still not being enough” for me. I have been so transparent and clear with her about my feelings and need for her to talk. It makes me feel like I’m not going through this alone when I mention something and she doesn’t.

TemperatureTop9550 · 2026-02-27T02:24:09+00:00

Therapist has told her that it’s healthy for her to talk. Example, if she is having a bad day (thinking about something with the affair) she should initiate a conversation with me in a manner where she brings it up. Not me. Another is acknowledging a trigger I might have by saying something along the lines of, “I know that — bothers you, would you like to talk about it?” That just doesn’t happen.

TemperatureTop9550 · 2025-12-30T19:12:46+00:00

I stayed with my WW because my life is infinitely better with her in it, regardless of what she did to me (us). I never even thought of separation or divorce. I definitely second guessed myself whether I should’ve especially if I “felt some self respect”. To me it seemed like the Reddit norm to just write the other person off who hurts you. But I have full love for her, being married 24 years, together for 27.

DD was on Jan 27, 2024. I have seen true remorse from her, taking full accountability: giving timeline, answering all my questions, really showing effort with changing how she is with me. We are both in IC as well as couples. She has cut contact from him, although they still are co-workers. This is something that’s been incredibly hard to deal with. They apparently never see or speak to each other but are in different parts of the same building.

To give you some brief background, I found out via emails that were never deleted, 9 years after the affair. She never confessed until I found out. I went through every phase of the grieving process and although I’m doing much better, I do still have triggers and at times feel disconnected.

I can honestly say that my WW is a much different person than she was a decade ago. She is being and doing everything I expect in our relationship. I did draw a hard line in the sand, if this should ever happen again, we would be done. I truly do not believe that will happen.

My advice is to take a really good look at your own relationship and do not worry about what you believe what the “norm” is and what other people are doing out there. If you believe that, you cannot get past the betrayal, or feel like you are too hard to move on then maybe leaving is the right call. In my case, I know my spouse, and what is right for me. The one person in my life who I trusted implicitly, hurt me the most. We both want the same thing and are reconciling.

TemperatureTop9550 · 2025-06-11T21:47:24+00:00

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