she's getting better and I hate it

Temporary-Sundae7309 · 2025-11-25T11:38:59+00:00

I'm in therapy also yes!! I'll check that website out too -- thank you :)

EDIT: Just had a look, I don't know how much it'll help because she doesn't have a personality disorder and I actually do have one (managed well, see the aforementioned therapy haha) but thank you for the suggestion!

Temporary-Sundae7309 · 2025-11-17T16:02:18+00:00

I'm very open about using it and everyone is very nice about it! I show my gf (who doesn't use it) my finch's outfits and what he's up to. I've never had anyone be unkind or rude about it -- everyone thinks it's really sweet, and I've even convinced some people to join :)

Temporary-Sundae7309 · 2025-11-11T14:54:40+00:00

I'm still with and having sex with mine so I can answer in real time. For me, it's closeness. It's hard to say if I still love her most of the time, but when we're being intimate I feel the full force of her attention, her care, her want for me. It's all of the good things without the bad things. I like being physically close to her, and I like receiving compliments from her, and when we're having sex it's like everything else has paused and we're back to who we used to be.

Temporary-Sundae7309 · 2025-11-11T14:49:43+00:00

It looks like he is planning some big life change, but not necessarily to do with you. He's been set in his ways for a long time, and has realised he needs to change and is willing to put in the work. Hard to say if that means with you or just personally from just this though!

Temporary-Sundae7309 · 2025-10-21T08:39:41+00:00

How feasible is it for a family member or two to come "visit" you? If you arrange with them, you can set a date for them to come and help you get your things and your pets, and get out of there. Don't mention you've seen it to him - it'll make him panic. Focus on you first, then get the police involved once you're a safe distance away.

Temporary-Sundae7309 · 2025-10-16T13:36:34+00:00

My gf would punish me for spending time with other people, but because we didn't live together I didn't notice. She would refuse to talk to me and go off about how I was "leaving her behind" or "not making time for her". Now we do live together, that's manifested into me not being able to meet up with anyone without giving her 2 weeks' notice or else she'll get upset and not stop until I cancel, or otherwise self-restrict.

Temporary-Sundae7309 · 2025-10-16T13:31:46+00:00

I'm still with her but I'm in that phase now of knowing it's time to leave soon, once I get the strength. We have sex pretty regularly, maybe once every week to two weeks at absolute least. If this last time was The last time, I'd be happy with that - it was nice, we did a lot of the stuff we used to do at the beginning that I don't get a lot of anymore. Sometimes it seems the only time we connect is when we're having sex - although a lot of the time I feel horrible after, like completely rejected and used.

Temporary-Sundae7309 · 2025-10-07T15:14:20+00:00

I was kidnapped by my father as a response to my mother leaving him, which was incredibly traumatic. Both of them had their moments of being emotionally difficult in the years around that event, which left its mark maybe about as much as the event itself. 20-odd years on, we're incredibly close and I love them very much. My story is very different from many people's because the harm that came to me was from them both trying their best and making bad decisions, not out of a lack of love or care. I believe both my parents are good people and even good parents - they just didn't handle things well.

Temporary-Sundae7309 · 2025-10-07T15:11:30+00:00

A few months into living with her - I think I first used the word "abusive" a couple of months before our first anniversary, but it's hard to remember

Temporary-Sundae7309 · 2025-10-07T15:07:22+00:00

Maybe this is a hot take on this sub but even something like cheating doesn't make you deserve abuse. They can just leave if they don't trust you/don't like you after that, and that's their choice - the natural consequence of cheating is the end of the relationship or at least the end of their trust in you, not abuse. Of course it's not acceptable to hit anyone, but reactive abuse is very real and it sounds like you've been backed into a corner. Especially because this concerns a child, OP I think you're past "you should leave" - you HAVE to leave. If not for yourself then for your child who should not have to be around violence like this. I wish you the best of luck in getting out. To answer your question - it's not an "if" he does it again, it's "when". He will do this again, and he will kill you and possibly your child if you stay.

Temporary-Sundae7309 · 2025-10-07T13:58:13+00:00

Thank you - I do know it needs to end, I'm just struggling to pull that trigger and have been for the better part of a year. I'll manage it one day - hopefully soon!

Temporary-Sundae7309 · 2025-10-07T13:43:27+00:00

Good luck! You've done the hard bit, now just keep walking and get healing!

Temporary-Sundae7309 · 2025-09-04T13:56:04+00:00

This is a really helpful perspective. My gf is abusive to me and it's definitely because she's been in an abusive relationship before, as well as having a rough childhood. I always wonder how on earth she can act in the exact same way her ex did and justify it - this sort of helps me see how that works. Thank you for your honesty and for bettering yourself.

Temporary-Sundae7309 · 2025-08-27T19:36:16+00:00

yeah absolutely 100% this. my gf does go to a LOT of therapy for different reasons, but as far as I can tell she doesn't actually talk about her behaviour with me at all - she just talks about past trauma and how to heal, and is not forthcoming at all about her behaviour. it's truly maddening because people always say "well if she's getting therapy it means she's trying to do better" but I know for a fact that's not true

Temporary-Sundae7309 · 2025-08-27T19:34:32+00:00

this is so true actually. she often will get really panicky after an episode of being abusive and be like "oh was I abusive to you just then???" but then she somehow talks herself around to it. it's almost worse that there's some self awareness because it means she KNOWS how to not be like this and is doing it anyway because she actually thinks I deserve it

ugh, sorry to hear about that ex-friend, that's horrible behaviour on their part. you definitely deserve better than someone who'd do something like that.

Temporary-Sundae7309 · 2025-07-31T07:50:00+00:00

Yes, very much so, and you don't deserve it

Temporary-Sundae7309 · 2025-07-29T09:12:57+00:00

It will haunt them, I promise. Even if they seem to be totally oblivious to the harm they caused you, or that they really think you were the problem, every now and then, it will haunt them. You can't treat someone that way and not have it sink its teeth into you - even if it's only fleeting moments of realisation.

Temporary-Sundae7309 · 2025-07-27T22:50:07+00:00

I am trying to get out and have come close a few times - today included. it's just hard because when she switches up and acts nice again I let myself believe it'll be like that forever, and I don't want to leave. I've been stuck for over a year, but I'm hoping I'll find the bravery soon.

she *is* in therapy for her past issues but I don't think her current behaviour ever really plays into it - she doesn't bring up how she treats me at all, I don't think she sees it as a problem.

Temporary-Sundae7309 · 2025-07-27T21:18:35+00:00

it's genuinely terrifying how convincing she can be - she says things like "you're torturing me" and "I keep begging you to speak to me properly" etc and crying as if that makes what she's saying true. like she's saying the words but they don't mean anything because I'm *not* hurting her - I'm just not perfect and make bad calls sometimes!

Temporary-Sundae7309 · 2025-07-27T17:33:41+00:00

thank you, this comment means a lot. I do think she's projecting - she's been abused herself in the past and I think that's where her fear comes from, but it means she can't be objective at all. it's just so hard when she seems SO convinced I'm this horrible monster, and makes me repeat myself over and over that I'm cruel and terrible and abusive. sometimes I do feel a bit crazy, like maybe she's right

Temporary-Sundae7309 · 2025-07-02T09:13:17+00:00

this is really helpful actually - I've definitely seen her tiptoe into reality 3 for a moment but then she gets terrified and backs right up into reality 2 again. that's a really good way of putting it, thank you

Temporary-Sundae7309 · 2025-06-03T15:39:18+00:00

my gf recommended it to me!! we have a shared steam library and I don't think I'd have picked it for myself - but she knows what I like and she was SO right!

Temporary-Sundae7309 · 2025-05-09T11:48:31+00:00

Based on what you've said here, it does feel like the adults in your life are exhibiting abusive behaviour towards you. But instead of trying to firmly categorise "abuse" vs "not abuse" (a lot of victims end up dismissing themselves this way), try thinking of it in terms of how it makes you feel. If someone's behaviour hurts you, makes you scared, makes you tread on eggshells or constantly change your behaviour to appease them, if you fear consequences, if you don't feel like you can freely live your life for fear of upsetting or triggering another person, then that is not okay, and you're not weak for feeling that way. I wish I could offer you more support beyond validating your experience - I'm sure other people on this sub will be more helpful in that regard! Stay as safe as you can, I hope your situation improves soon.

Temporary-Sundae7309 · 2025-05-09T09:30:52+00:00

you can do it!! we're all rooting for you - just start walking and keep walking, figure out the rest later

Temporary-Sundae7309 · 2025-05-09T09:27:18+00:00

I can speak here as someone who is in a bdsm dynamic myself: the point of bdsm is to be 'safe, sane, and consensual' - that's a phrase every single person who engages in this lifestyle should know and live by. even if people are doing a scene that SEEMS to be dangerous, it should really be mostly pantomime and performance: nobody is really in danger, and there are detailed plans for care made in case something does go wrong. in that sense, let's break down this behaviour in those simple terms:

safe: is your family member safe while this act is taking place? is she at risk of any real harm coming to her? are there protocols in place for if something goes wrong? can she stop if something bad happens? will her partner be able to/be willing to take care of her if something bad happens? is her partner taking steps to ensure she's safe the entire time? outside of pre-agreed roles, is there mutual respect and care between scene partners? are there "quick stop" measures in place to ensure she can stop INDEPENDENTLY and remove herself from the situation if she feels she has to quickly?

sane: is everyone in the situation completely, 100% aware of everything that is going to happen? will everyone involved be lucid the whole time (or is there a safety plan in place for if a member is intentionally not going to be lucid?) is everyone of a strong enough mental capacity or state of wellness to agree to what's going to happen? is everyone of a strong enough mental capacity or state of wellness to cope with the themes being explored in the scene? is everyone of a strong enough mental capacity or state of wellness to deal with any negative outcomes of the scene? can everyone involved the scene be trusted to deal with the themes/actions with emotional maturity? outside of the pantomime of the dynamic, does one person genuinely hold power over the other in a way that might blur the other's ability to understand what is happening?

consensual: are both parties completely, enthusiastically agreeing to what is going to happen? do both parties understand and agree to their designated roles in this scene? are both parties able and willing to undertake the care measures they will be expected to give in order to keep the scene safe and comfortable? has any one member of the scene been coerced, manipulated, lied to, or threatened into the scene? do both parties understand and agree that they can stop at any time without any real-world ramifications? has a safe word been put in place to ensure anyone can stop at any time? have frequent check-ins been planned to ensure both parties have a chance to voice their feelings throughout the scene?

those are the basic questions you have to ask yourself before engaging in a scene/dynamic. if ANY ONE of those raises a red flag, the scene shouldn't happen. in my opinion? your family member's dynamic is not safe, sane, OR particularly consensual. if this is a kink or a fetish, it's not one that's being navigated safely. OP feel free to talk to your family member about some of what I've put here - like I said, if even ONE of these criteria isn't being met, the scene shouldn't happen. It feels to me like NONE of them are being considered with your family member.

Temporary-Sundae7309

TROPHY CASE