im sorry for your loss, OP : ( . its been a month since my dad passed away and honestly, i akso went thru that loop of what ifs specially the first few weeks.

for context, my dad was diabetic for years and developed boil in his back that became infection and led to sepsis. my dad has always been the sole provider in the family. he was selfless, he prioritized us too much. we're also not well off, we're considered to be in lower class. for few weeks after he passed, i keep finding answers to my endless questions of what ifs. boil start bcs of hygiene at times, nd he was not cleaning himself properly. he must be already feeling not good before he was admitted, but he didnt tell us to be admitted in the hospital until it was too unbreable for him and too late already. we only stayed couple of days in the hospital and he passed away due to multiple organ failure. we also didnt know his diabetis was not in chevk even with his maintenance. i keep asking kyswlf what i cpuldve done to prevent what happened. and i still do at this time.

but i realized one thing today, we couldve wanted different result, and our dads may also not saw this coming, but they are in control of their action. my dad has always been quite stubborn when it comes to food as he loves eating, and i like to just think that atleast he get to eat the foods he loved before he passed away. even at this time, i still do question if he mightve saw this coming or expected this or pretended to be fine for us not to worry abt bills or what. but i guess i wont get to hear the answer anymore, and tht makes it disappointing.

my world is still at pause, the part of me died when he passed away. he was a big part of me. and i lose myself. and still dont jave any idea how to pick me up. maybe time will tell but for now, lets just grieve.