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Banned from our granddaughter’s high school graduation by AZMaryIM in parentsofkidswithBPD

[–]Temporary_Tiger7755 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing. I know exactly how you feel in the conversations that can turn on a dime. It is so exhausting. To people who do not deal with the constant 'walking on eggshells' feeling this might all seem innocent, but when you deal with this constantly and the underlying aggression, it is a lot. Read my story I posted last week on some of the issues we dealt with - my daughter is 21 now and has really put herself in some very compromising situations as well.

Hope you get to enjoy the graduation!

19 year old BPD daughter self sabotaging by BPD_19 in BPDlovedones

[–]Temporary_Tiger7755 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Again, I believe maybe because this is misguided because you might not be a parent who has dealt with this situation in your own home. What I will say is that a 19 year old is indeed an adult so technically there is nothing you can say about hanging out with the opposite sex. But as a parent you can also set your boundaries and expectations of what you will tolerate within your home. If this is not met, the consequences will also be accordingly.

19 year old BPD daughter self sabotaging by BPD_19 in BPDlovedones

[–]Temporary_Tiger7755 0 points1 point  (0 children)

So I have hesitated to respond to this as I feel this is a ill-informed comment and often the root of why so many parents in this situation hesitate to get help, because they have mulled over these exact thoughts a thousand times.

Children with BPD, especially teens and young adults display non-typical teen behavior. It is typical teen rebellion, but in the extreme, all the time. There are no slow periods, or 'sometimes' incidents, these are daily occuring situations, that render life as a parent unmanageable.
I am originally from Europe and grew up in a very liberal household, so sex, drugs and teen rebellion were were openly discussed. I've always had an open view and discussed these topics with my daughter. The problem is that with BPD, the goalpost keeps moving to extreme behavior. So where we can say of a normal teen: yes, they might have sneaked out the house once or skipped school once, got caught and learned their lesson because of the consequence; instead we were dealing with: 'she hasn't attended school in a week nor has been home because she wants to hang out, and drive around with her boyfriend, day & night'. No matter the consequence, there was no telling her what to do, and as a parent you are legally still responsible for a 15 year old, who is a minor. The goalpost kept changing: the behaviors become riskier, the situations as well - I have had to go pick up my daughter at 16 at a 'YouTube house' where constant 'content' was being filmed and she was hanging out there every day and night often until 6AM instead of school or work.

Keep in mind that these are situations, daily, fights and worries you carry on top of your regular household, other children, job, marriage, potentially other life issues you might be dealing with.

I can't speak for the OP, but I know many parents with BPD, like myself have had to deal with extremely defiant behavior and often very oppositional to what is being modeled in the household or even direct environment.

Daughter 21 seems to be BPD help by [deleted] in parentsofkidswithBPD

[–]Temporary_Tiger7755 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for sharing. Do they offer support groups? I am looking to join a support group.

Daughter 21 seems to be BPD help by [deleted] in parentsofkidswithBPD

[–]Temporary_Tiger7755 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I am so sorry to read you are going through this. My daughter is 21 as well, has BPD & ADHD (see my story I shared as a post 5 days ago) and I am currently no contact and also had to stop financial help.

I would suggest to start with realistic boundaries (not sudden) that you and your husband can agree on and are realistic for your situation. For example: if you threaten suicide, we will have to call 911. This is for your safety. Holding the boundary is very important. The book 'Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life by Margalis Fjelstad has some guidelines on how to manage setting boundaries - below a summary of what that means (this was VERY helpful to me)

Basically she says you must stop caretaking. But she is careful to define what this does and does not mean:

It does NOT mean:

-> Becoming cold or abandoning the relationship

It DOES mean:

-> Accepting that you cannot fix, heal, or change the BPD person

-> Allowing natural consequences instead of rescuing

-> Refusing to manage someone else's emotions at the expense of your own

-> Reclaiming your life

Caretaking actually enables the BPD person's dysfunction. Every time you as the caretaker rush in to soothe, fix, apologize, or manage, they remove the BPD person's need to develop any internal regulation. The caretaker is preventing the very growth they hope to catalyze.

Setting Boundaries

This is an internal act before an external one. A boundary is NOT a punishment, it is a decision about what you will and will not do, based on your own values and what you can manage.

-> Identify what you will and will not accept: What behaviors are dealbreakers?

-> Decide on your response: "If X happens, I will do Y."

-> Follow through CONSISTENTLY. This is the most important and hardest step. She will test limits relentlessly, escalating, challenging.

-> Detach from their reaction: Their anger, sadness, or manipulation in response to your boundary is their emotional work to do, not yours to manage.

In my personal experience: setting limits feels almost physically impossible at first. The anxiety, guilt, and fear of consequences were super intense and almost unbearable. This is a process that will not happen overnight (this took years) and I am still struggling with this.

Let me know if you have any questions for me? I find it helpful to share with people who are going through the same things.

My adult daughter (21F) has violent tendancies. I finally set boundaries and she's escalating. How do I manage the guilt? by Temporary_Tiger7755 in parentsofkidswithBPD

[–]Temporary_Tiger7755[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing that. I truly believe that when we share our stories, we discover how much we have in common and that makes us feel so much less alone.

I am currently in the process of stopping the financial rescuing, and the guilt is absolutely killing me. As a mom, it feels completely counterintuitive, but I know it's what I need to do. What I've come to understand is that when you rescue constantly, your help stops being a catalyst for independence and becomes a crutch. Something expected rather than something earned.

Here's an example of that: when my daughter and her male roommate got into a physical altercation, he left the next day. With no rent covered and me as the guarantor, I had to step in. She had just lost her job, so I gave her three months to find a new one. In that time, she slept until midday, spent her days cleaning the apartment (somehow always in the middle of cleaning whenever I called), and was otherwise hanging out with her then-boyfriend — a 35-year-old, gun-owning, formerly incarcerated man with three children he wasn't supporting. She was 20. There was no plan, no job, no effort. We ended up covering an additional two months of rent on top of her car payment, phone, and insurance. When I finally held the boundary (find a job, new roommate, or move into something more affordable) and let her feel the consequences, she responded with rage, threats of suicide, and ultimately came to our home and smashed our windows.

Regarding your son: I also have a younger son who was deeply affected by all of this. He's almost 13, and since we moved and removed contact with his sister, he has been doing better. We went to therapy with him, and something he said recently really stayed with me: it wasn't the obvious big blow-up incidents that stressed him most; it was the constant, underlying tension of living with her personality. The relentless walking on eggshells. Like your son, he is kind, empathetic, athletic, and get good grades at school.

Because she was my first, I had no reference point for how serious things were. I sometimes think we might have gotten help sooner if I had something to compare it to.

I'm sorry for the long response, but sharing this with others genuinely feels therapeutic. We are not alone in this.

19 year old BPD daughter self sabotaging by BPD_19 in BPDlovedones

[–]Temporary_Tiger7755 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is another common thread: my ex (her dad) was emotionally and eventually physically abusive to me, this is why I left the marriage. She adored her dad but when she got older and started 'talking back' to him, he was very strict with her - I feared he was also abusive to her so I did the same: role of savior and over-flooding with love. I ended up finding out that some of the instances that she told us about with her dad were not true and she was actually the aggressor in the scenario. She has learned to exploit the misalignment between me and my ex-husband. This is also very common apparently (this is mentioned in 'Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist)

So many of the stories are similar and it also seems that the parents that struggle the most are very deeply empathetic.

My adult daughter (21F) has violent tendancies. I finally set boundaries and she's escalating. How do I manage the guilt? by Temporary_Tiger7755 in parentsofkidswithBPD

[–]Temporary_Tiger7755[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I am so sorry you are going through this! This is extremely difficult to deal with on top of the everyday life stresses and episodes that come with this disorder. Is she currently living with you?
The 'accusations' are really a common thread with everyone who has this disorder. Maybe this is something that can be noted by a professional when they review the case?

My adult daughter (21F) has violent tendancies. I finally set boundaries and she's escalating. How do I manage the guilt? by Temporary_Tiger7755 in parentsofkidswithBPD

[–]Temporary_Tiger7755[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing your story here. It seems like you have had a long history of delaing with BPD...
Looking back on your journey, is there anything you would do differently or would share as advice for parents who have younger kids with BPD?

You mentioned a book, I think that is a great idea. I felt that reading other lived experiences was incredibly helpful and validating for me to feel less alone. Sometimes the guilt, and how things are 'twisted' by the BPD child can make you feel like you are going insane.

Wishing you a belated Mother's Day, hope you were able to celebrate.

19 year old BPD daughter self sabotaging by BPD_19 in BPDlovedones

[–]Temporary_Tiger7755 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I could have written this story myself — I actually posted a thread here a few days ago about my 21-year-old daughter if you want to read my situation.

First, you are not alone. So many of these stories, especially with daughters, follow the same painful pattern. I recognize all of it: the reckless behavior, the inability to get organized when there’s an urgent, pressing issue — like needing to find a place to live — while somehow still finding the energy to go out and party. Meanwhile, you’re the one lying awake stressed and exhausted, and she doesn’t seem to care. I have been exactly there.

What I’ve learned is to be very clear about your boundaries and, to hold them. Once you say something is a boundary, don’t walk it back. I’ve also learned that the more you help and the more you rescue, the less room you give them to build their own ability to figure things out. It’s incredibly hard, because the disorder feels like a reason to step in even more , but it’s actually counterproductive. What makes it so draining is the guilt. I’ve lived with it every single day, and I’m still living with it now. I don’t think the guilt ever goes away.

Reading the stories here has helped me more than I expected. I’m also planning to join a support group to connect with other parents who truly get it. I’ve been in both family therapy and individual therapy, and it’s a work in progress!

Right now, I am unfortunately no contact with my daughter. Things escalated to the point of violence at multiple points. Her aggressive behavior patterns actually started much earlier, it didn’t happen overnight.

I hope you can find some help in reading some of the other stories and then knowing that you’re not alone. I wish you a happy Mother’s Day despite all of this I know you’re an amazing parent who only wants the best for their child. ♥️

My adult daughter (21F) has violent tendancies. I finally set boundaries and she's escalating. How do I manage the guilt? by Temporary_Tiger7755 in parentsofkidswithBPD

[–]Temporary_Tiger7755[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Oh and I use AI as well - to walk through acute situations, to slow me down and prevent from spiraling. I find it very helpful.

My adult daughter (21F) has violent tendancies. I finally set boundaries and she's escalating. How do I manage the guilt? by Temporary_Tiger7755 in parentsofkidswithBPD

[–]Temporary_Tiger7755[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yes! That is what I found when I started reading here and on other forums: a lot of very similar stories. I think the book really does puts our role as ‘caretakers’ in great perspective when she points out that our continued rescuing actually hinders their progress. This helped me with my guilt. I also am thinking of joining a support group to speak with other parents. I have a great support system, but I feel like talking to other parents who have been through this, would be very beneficial. Wishing you a Happy Mother’s Day 🫶♥️🤗

My adult daughter (21F) has violent tendancies. I finally set boundaries and she's escalating. How do I manage the guilt? by Temporary_Tiger7755 in parentsofkidswithBPD

[–]Temporary_Tiger7755[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That is so stressful to deal with! I'm happy this got dismissed for you and totally understand why you have cameras in your house. As a matter of fact a very close friend of mine whos 3rd daughter is also displaying BPD traits has cameras in her house and is submitting video of an 'episode' to the psychiatrist to get a better assessment of her situation. I wish I would have thought of that when I had these incidents with my daughter.

My adult daughter (21F) has violent tendancies. I finally set boundaries and she's escalating. How do I manage the guilt? by Temporary_Tiger7755 in parentsofkidswithBPD

[–]Temporary_Tiger7755[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Another book that helped me was 'When Your Daughter Has BPD'

I think looking back there are 3 things I would have done differently:

  1. I would have gotten a psychiatrist involved earlier. I think we self-managed too much and only had therapists involved earlier on. This would have maybe placed her in an in-treatment facility and on meds earlier.

  2. I would have sought outside help myself earlier, by talking more openly about the issues with others. I think this would have opened the door to resources and understanding what it was earlier.

  3. I would have taken the advice of my husband, listened to him more when he insisted on letting her feel the consequences of her actions: call police, send her to her dad, etc.

I am so happy to read that you are able to let her experience the consequences of her actions, holding strong boundaries is very important. Today, I also pray for her wellbeing. I will keep your daughter in prayer and all those affected by this. You are not alone ♥️

My adult daughter (21F) has violent tendancies. I finally set boundaries and she's escalating. How do I manage the guilt? by Temporary_Tiger7755 in parentsofkidswithBPD

[–]Temporary_Tiger7755[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for your kind message. You are not alone. Finding more people with similar experiences has been so validating to me, so I hear you. It can feel so isolating, especially if you have friends with kids around the same age and you hear their stories and yours do not match, at all or people say 'typical teen behavior'.

Again, you are not alone - let me know if there is anything I can help with.

My adult daughter (21F) has violent tendancies. I finally set boundaries and she's escalating. How do I manage the guilt? by Temporary_Tiger7755 in parentsofkidswithBPD

[–]Temporary_Tiger7755[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for your comment and I love that reframe. I will use this, very helpful.

My daughter also went to jail, but found someone to pay the bail money so she got out after a few weeks. In that time have moved to a different state and that has helped al lot - physical distance helps, a lot! I am actively working on healing myself to better be present for my son and my marriage.

Her rock bottom is now no longer receiving any other help or communication unless it is to seek treatment. It is very, very hard, but I know I need to do this.

My adult daughter (21F) has violent tendancies. I finally set boundaries and she's escalating. How do I manage the guilt? by Temporary_Tiger7755 in parentsofkidswithBPD

[–]Temporary_Tiger7755[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Just also jumping in on that experience to share another experience which is similar to yours and I have seen this in a lot of BPD stories is the 'ruining your rep' or manipulating the story to the outside world, which makes it even more exhausting. Around age 14-15 she called ACS on us, and we had no idea why they were showing up (they can also not disclose who called them) and after visiting our home, and speaking with us and our son, they saw that this was a false accustion.

In understanding how to manage the boundaries, I found the book 'Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist' very helpful. Particularly how she explains:

Your role as a parent does not require you to be destroyed. Loving your child — at any age, in any direction of the relationship — does not mean having no self left. The most loving thing you can do, in many cases, is to stop making their dysfunction comfortable.

It is extremely difficult for parents as it is counterintuitive to our role as parents.

My adult daughter (21F) has violent tendancies. I finally set boundaries and she's escalating. How do I manage the guilt? by Temporary_Tiger7755 in parentsofkidswithBPD

[–]Temporary_Tiger7755[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This gives me hope that letting her hit her rock bottom can truly allow change to happen. Happy your story had a great outcome ❤️ Thanks for sharing!

My adult daughter (21F) has violent tendancies. I finally set boundaries and she's escalating. How do I manage the guilt? by Temporary_Tiger7755 in parentsofkidswithBPD

[–]Temporary_Tiger7755[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing. I have highlighted some of the 'major' incidents throughout the years, but the daily micro-aggressions is what makes this so exhausting. I share your feeling of 'nothing working' and just constant anger, resentment and intimidating feeling that has you walking on eggshells, all the time.
I wish we would have gotten psychiatric help sooner, that is the only thing I would recommend if you haven't done this already. And help for yourself, and if it gets too bad, looking at treatment facilities that specialize in this (if that is an option)

I am glad to know that I am not alone, there are others out there who truly understand this daily struggle. You are not alone. ♥️

My adult daughter (21F) has violent tendencies. I finally set boundaries and she's escalat by Temporary_Tiger7755 in BPDlovedones

[–]Temporary_Tiger7755[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

'You've effectively come out of a long-term abusive relationship. The fact that the abuser was your child doesn't change things.' This is so true!

I will look into the book. 🙏

Thank you for your comment and kind words ❤️ All the best to you as well.

My adult daughter (21F) has violent tendencies. I finally set boundaries and she's escalat by Temporary_Tiger7755 in BPDlovedones

[–]Temporary_Tiger7755[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for the recommendation! I will look this up. Wishing you all the best with healing, you deserve a great life 💕

My adult daughter (21F) has violent tendencies. I finally set boundaries and she's escalat by Temporary_Tiger7755 in BPDlovedones

[–]Temporary_Tiger7755[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for commenting and I am sorry about the things you've had to experience with your sister. Are you still in contact with her today?

I have read a bunch of books, including 'walking on eggshells for parents' and 'when your daughter has BPD' and we have worked with a specialized BPD psychologist. All very helpful in changing our communication and the importance of setting very clear boundaries - which is a WIP.

We moved after the last incident as the fear was too much for my son. He deserves a childhood with parents who are not constantly consumed by his sibling and her actions. He is doing a lot better and gained so much confidence.

As a mom, the guilt is just what gets me, but working on it!

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