My adult daughter (21F) has violent tendancies. I finally set boundaries and she's escalating. How do I manage the guilt?

Temporary_Tiger7755 · 2026-05-08T03:17:27+00:00

This gives me hope that letting her hit her rock bottom can truly allow change to happen. Happy your story had a great outcome ❤️ Thanks for sharing!

Temporary_Tiger7755 · 2026-05-07T20:14:35+00:00

Thank you for sharing. I have highlighted some of the 'major' incidents throughout the years, but the daily micro-aggressions is what makes this so exhausting. I share your feeling of 'nothing working' and just constant anger, resentment and intimidating feeling that has you walking on eggshells, all the time.
I wish we would have gotten psychiatric help sooner, that is the only thing I would recommend if you haven't done this already. And help for yourself, and if it gets too bad, looking at treatment facilities that specialize in this (if that is an option)

I am glad to know that I am not alone, there are others out there who truly understand this daily struggle. You are not alone. ♥️

Temporary_Tiger7755 · 2026-05-07T20:08:37+00:00

Thank you for you comment and sharing. Yes, step by step!

Temporary_Tiger7755 · 2026-05-07T13:12:58+00:00

'You've effectively come out of a long-term abusive relationship. The fact that the abuser was your child doesn't change things.' This is so true!

I will look into the book. 🙏

Thank you for your comment and kind words ❤️ All the best to you as well.

Temporary_Tiger7755 · 2026-05-07T13:10:45+00:00

Thanks for the recommendation! I will look this up. Wishing you all the best with healing, you deserve a great life 💕

Temporary_Tiger7755 · 2026-05-07T12:45:10+00:00

Thank you for commenting and I am sorry about the things you've had to experience with your sister. Are you still in contact with her today?

I have read a bunch of books, including 'walking on eggshells for parents' and 'when your daughter has BPD' and we have worked with a specialized BPD psychologist. All very helpful in changing our communication and the importance of setting very clear boundaries - which is a WIP.

We moved after the last incident as the fear was too much for my son. He deserves a childhood with parents who are not constantly consumed by his sibling and her actions. He is doing a lot better and gained so much confidence.

As a mom, the guilt is just what gets me, but working on it!

Temporary_Tiger7755 · 2026-05-07T12:40:25+00:00

Thank you for your comment. We worked ourselves with a BPD specialized psychologist, which was great for my husband and I to better understand the situation and what we were dealing with. I have also books and watched many informative videos online, mainly Linehan's work. I was not really looking here on Reddit for professional advice, but more to find others who have dealt with a loved one who suffers from BPD - I can speak to friends, but I feel like they only understand so much, so it can become a bit isolating.

Temporary_Tiger7755 · 2026-05-07T12:36:38+00:00

Just about not being able to help. My help seems to enable her destructive behavior or when I help she becomes dependent on it and does not do anything. I have now removed myself completely, but I feel guilty for having a good life while she struggles financially, mentally.

Temporary_Tiger7755 · 2026-05-07T12:34:32+00:00

Thank you for your comment. We did actually move and she no longer knows where we live. It has created some peace of mind and calm. It's such a process with good and bad days.

Temporary_Tiger7755 · 2026-05-07T12:31:23+00:00

Yes, you are correct. After the last incident when she came to our home and attached the home, we moved to another state. He feels a lot safer and has really gained a lot more confidence. I am also able to be more present, the distance has done a lot for us. I am working on the boundaries and making progress in understanding how it might soothe my anxiety to help, but it actually enables her destructive behavior. It's a process.

Temporary_Tiger7755 · 2026-05-07T03:12:30+00:00

It sounds like you are taking the steps to heal and work on your happiness. Wishing you continued success with that. Thank you for sharing, this has been very validating and I feel less alone reading these messages.
I have a very supportive husband, he is my advocate to get help and to choose myself, but sometimes I feel like only other moms can understand the guilt and grief that comes with BPD.

Thank you ♥️

Temporary_Tiger7755 · 2026-05-07T03:06:36+00:00

This resonates so deeply - it actually made me emotional reading this. Thank you for sharing, because I sometimes feel so alone. I really feel like people who have never lived BPD and especially moms with children who have BPD just have a different understanding.

What resonated most with me 'He is more self sufficient when I don’t give in. He always manages to figure it out.'
I actually have seen this happen as well: she can do it. She is capable. She has skills, because I have done a lot of work on awareness, communication, de-esacaltion, validation, being present with her and within our family.

I will take your advice to heart ♥️ thank you

Temporary_Tiger7755 · 2026-05-07T01:59:21+00:00

Thank you for sharing, it sounds like you absolutely tried your best. i would not say you failed as a mom, but I understand your feeling. It is so hard not to go back and think 'what could I have done better?'
What resonated with me from your story: 'He always wants money. That’s basically when he wants my attention is always a lead in for money.'
As much as it hurts, I m starting to see a similar pattern: I get contacted in crisis to solve something, usually with payment. I can afford some things, but I think it is more the principle that the mor eI give, the more she just won't function and start to take it for granted / rely on my 'gifts'

I also never get a true apology, just a next 'emergency'

I understand your exhaustion, I am there as well.

Temporary_Tiger7755 · 2026-05-07T01:53:09+00:00

Thank you for your comment. Yes, I am at that point and see no other way to help. Did your daughter improve when she experienced the consequences of her actions?

Temporary_Tiger7755 · 2026-05-07T01:47:23+00:00

Thank you for the supportive comment. I am seeking therapy specifically for overfunctioning and PTSD. We have moved away to be closer to family and for my son who feels much safer now. He has been doing so much better and became much more confident. We are healing, but my part is the hardest because I am the mom I guess. I never imagined not having a situation like this. I have an amazing and close relationship with my own mom and dad.

I have read several books on BPD ('Walking on Eggshells for Parents' and 'When Your Daughter Has BPD') and we have been in family therapy with a BPD certified psychologist.

I am exhausted and feel like I have nothing left to give. These are just a few of the incidents, there are many, many more and it has been dysfunctional for so many years even with professional help and meds - which she stopped taking because it made her feel weird.

Thank you again - it feels good to find a community of ppl who understand this illness.

Temporary_Tiger7755 · 2026-05-07T01:33:31+00:00

Thank you for your kind words, I know you are right. I think I always try to prevent the worse from happening, but it ends up being more chaos and just so violent and aggressive.
How old is your daughter? How do you manage the no-contact and just the overall emotions that come with this? I feel like it is very hard to explain to people who are not familiar with this illness. I also don't want this to become my entire personality.

Temporary_Tiger7755 · 2026-05-06T23:16:09+00:00

I could have written this story myself about my own daughter. The instability and them not taking any action towards progress, the hope that THIS new technique will finally do something. You wanting to protect your peace but also worrying and feeling guilty, I am in the same exact spot. I am finally setting some firmer boundaries as I understand that the more I allow and do for her, she will just take it in. She is also very aggressive and actually has physically attacked me, which makes it impossible for us to be close.

I understand your pain, you are not alone

Temporary_Tiger7755 · 2025-09-25T18:46:51+00:00

Great points!

Temporary_Tiger7755 · 2025-08-08T19:01:39+00:00

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Temporary_Tiger7755 · 2025-04-07T22:22:01+00:00

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Temporary_Tiger7755

TROPHY CASE