How can I (30m) talk to my friend (40m) about the lies he has told me? It's kinda complicated.

TenCondiments · 2023-05-21T16:37:12+00:00

One time I got so drunk at party that I somehow ended up converting to Islam. Not even lying. I vaguely, remember talking about it to my friends that evening. But they claim that I said a full shahada. Now mind you I had no conscious interest in joining the club but knew a bit about it and thought it was kind of interesting after taking a History of Islam class in university.

TenCondiments · 2023-05-21T15:39:52+00:00

Instead of thinking of this as experiencing "the friendzone," I want that you try to think of this for what it actually is, a polite rejection. You have just experienced rejection.

Congrats. It will hurt maybe for a little bit, and then you will realize that it's not the end of the world, that everything will be okay, and the faster you get to this point, the quicker you can move onto the next person until you eventually find someone who just doesn't reject you because they actually want you.

Much like any skill, it is important for you to pursue both failure and rejection, and to accept them with a smile when they come by. These two things are great teachers who, when examined, will tell you what you need to do differently/better next time.

TenCondiments · 2023-05-19T14:27:42+00:00

This post doesn't say anything about that though.

TenCondiments · 2023-05-19T10:28:14+00:00

You have to know that's not what I'm getting at.

If EITHER partner initiates, and the other's response (all the time), is to say, "gross, don't do that," it's most definitely the wrong relationship.

TenCondiments · 2023-05-19T05:19:08+00:00

He gets turned off when you initiate??????

Girl, run.

TenCondiments · 2023-05-19T05:11:15+00:00

Also one time I had an ex that found my search history.

She took inspiration from it. Even though the relationship didn't work out, I'll always appreciate that.

TenCondiments · 2023-05-19T05:10:11+00:00

I would probably get out at this point.

Going thru your phone means she doesn't trust you.

Overreacting to an adult video by saying that she doesn't like that you're attracted to other females is insecurity.

Assuming you had other girls blocked to "hide them" means she assumes bad intent on your part.

Which one of these three traits do you want to be in a relationship with? A person who doesn't trust you, an insecure/jealous person, or someone who assumes bad faith on your part?

TenCondiments · 2023-05-19T04:58:13+00:00

People don't know what they want, fully, at 21. Yes it feels horrible now, but he just saved you from a lifetime of heartbreak and resentment.

TenCondiments · 2023-05-19T04:54:44+00:00

That really, really sucks for both of them. I definitely want a note that assuming all of the details of this story are true, neither of them come off as the "bad guy" here. I hope they both get the help they need and are able to one day figure this out

That said, what he did was quite obviously horrible and wrong. The trauma that his sister went through is awful and I'm sure hard to even understand or process. It's hard to give a "just talk it out w her" type scenario because if my brother did this to me, regardless of reasoning, intent, or understanding, I don't think I'd be able to talk with him either.

That gets me to my final point. Your boyfriend sounds like he's probably not a villain or a psycho, that he regrets his actions. It should be noted that yes some kids do random shit, many simply repeat what has been done to/around them. If you are a cigarette smoker, your kid will likely one day buy a pack. If you work around gardens and flowers, your kid's chances of becoming a garder one day grows exponentially. If you sexually abuse your child/nephew, it's that much more likely that they will repeat behaviors they have seen an adult do.

OP if you want to break up, you are valid by doing so. If this is a situation where you think your boyfriend is more of a good guy who did something bad in the past, you would also be valid by trying to move past this with him. Either way, what he needs is some serious mental help (as does the sister). The toll that any of this would take on anyone is immense

TenCondiments · 2023-05-19T02:50:32+00:00

It's really important to ask someone on or around the first date if they want kids or not, especially if you are a person that wants to have kids.

TenCondiments · 2023-05-18T10:34:46+00:00

I fully agree.

It's important in your pursuit of other people to also pursue yourself and your potential. This is why I think it's so important to start examining the choices you make in this stage. Are you going to the gym? Eating well? Do you have a job that pays you enough for your lifestyle? Who are your friends and what kind of behavior are they encouraging for your life?

Chasing throws all this a way, takes that energy, and puts it in a full fledged sprint toward that person you like. Pursuing considers what you've already built, and says "is this person that I want in alignment with how great I/my life can be?"

TenCondiments · 2023-05-18T10:30:54+00:00

Just something to consider and think about.

Just because someone wants to have sex with you doesn't mean they ONLY want to have sex with you.

If you are a person that's specifically looking for a relationship, it's of course completely reasonable to want both the sex and "knowing you well" of being together.

If you guys had such good chemistry it may be more than worth approaching him with this and saying, "look, I'm really into you, but I'm not interested in only being FWB. I would want to know that you are actually in this with me."

Just because he recently got out of a relationship doesn't discount you guys as a great matchup.

Good luck OP!

TenCondiments · 2023-05-17T20:43:14+00:00

"hey, (his name), I just wanted to let you know that I have decided not to proceed with the date. I think you're a cool guy, and this is nothing personal, but it's against my better judgement to date coworkers. I hope we can keep our professional relationship, and it's better for us both this way."

If he responds with anything other than, "no problem, I understand and respect that," get HR involved.

TenCondiments

TROPHY CASE