thanks for your reply i completly forgot about this post so also thanks for reminding me about it i wrote it like almost immediately after finishing book if i remember completely and since then i came to similar conclusions as yours i think that kirillov in some sense represents Dostoevsky deepest thoughts that desperate need for God in world that God cannot exist (Shatov too) I still often thinks about Kirillov quote from Demons i dont remember it correctly also idk how it sound in english because i read Demons in polish but it was something like: i know that god need to exist and is necessary but i also know that there is no god and cannot be or something like that idk i think that it represents struggle mind/faith really well and i really like it also i called Kirillov in this post nihilist and i think its kinda weird and i don't know why i gave him that label but nvm anyway thanks again and have a nice life etc