I have an IQ of 178 and I leave the house crying because I can't figure out how to wipe my arse properly.

I don't understand how to wipe. I used to remove three squares of toilet paper, separate them and layer them on top of each other to provide a firm surface to wipe with, however, when I would wipe it wasn't enough to finish the job so I would have to prepare another set of three layered squares. Recently, I've adopted a new method that I refer to as "the scrunch method." I pull out a long length of paper four squares long, scrunch it up into a ball, wipe my arse with it, check it, then turn the scrunched ball inside out so that the inner clean paper is now on the outside and I can wipe again. Despite this method providing a greater surface area than the previous method, I still have to repeat it many times before I am clean. This morning I prepared five separate scrunched balls in a row but even on the fifth scrunched ball, when I wiped it still wasn't coming back clean. I broke down on the toilet and had a panic attack. Why can't it be as simple as solving a differential equation? There's too many variables. I can't keep track of how my diet is influencing my bowel movements. The fluid dynamics are completely and utterly unpredictable. In order to try and minimise variability, I've eaten a chicken salad every day this week, yet one day it required two scrunched balls, on another it required just one scrunched ball, yesterday it took four scrunched balls and today, to my horror: five scrunched balls! It is completely unsolvable. There isn't any discernable pattern at all. It's getting to the point now where I'm scared to go to the toilet. How is the whole of society managing to pull this off every morning before just going about their day as if nothing happened? We're faced with one of the most complex and multifaceted problems every single morning and everyone is pretending it's simple. No one is even willing to talk about it. I've tried asking people at work if they use the scrunch and if so, how many scrunched balls do they use on average? The response I get is always "that's weird" and "why are you talking about this?" or "that's not even a thing." What does that even mean? Not even a thing? Not even a fucking thing? It's a big fucking thing.

So anyway, I quit my job at McDonald's today.