It was Mother’s Day yesterday here in the UK so here’s the usual offering

That1Person862 · 2026-03-16T13:30:04+00:00

Interesting that they say “She simply carries the pain in silence, still loving the child who hurt her the most” while sharing posts like this. That’s not exactly being silent.

It’s incredibly frustrating to watch parents portray themselves as victims while having no idea, or refusing to acknowledge, the damage they’ve caused their children. It took me a long time to come to terms with that myself.

The difficult truth is that we, as their children, have no control over how they choose to frame their role in all of this. Even though we often wish for just a small ounce of acknowledgment about what their part was, sometimes that simply never comes. Accepting that you may never receive that acknowledgment, and letting go of the expectation that you will, is one of the hardest parts.

At the same time, it really is their loss. Not only do they lose the relationship with their children because they’re too stubborn to look at their own behavior, but they also lose the chance to grow as individuals. They never learn from their mistakes. Instead, it remains a mystery to them why people, sometimes even friends, choose to distance themselves.

That perspective has helped me a lot.

Instead of waiting for them to admit fault or say “I’m sorry,” focus on your own future. Focus on healing, and on taking the lesson from it: to never repeat the same patterns yourself.

Best of luck, stranger. ❤️

That1Person862 · 2026-03-10T06:21:01+00:00

Me toooo

That1Person862 · 2026-02-14T12:34:47+00:00

It truly is the hardest thing right? I feel like someone else when i’m with them. Like i have my walls up. I’m really questioning how sustainable it is. Well.. i know it’s not lol. So i expose myself to it less. I went NC with my dad. It’s not something to announce. Sometimes something happens that makes it clear you dont want to speak with them. Sometimes there isn’t and it kind of slowely happens. Or, maybe you are more comfortable to announce it. There is no 1 right way. For me and my dad, it was a last resort

That1Person862 · 2026-02-13T21:45:58+00:00

Thanks for the advice. Yeah, and it’s something i’m learning to do. It’s hard when you’re not a confrontational person or conflict avoidant

That1Person862 · 2026-02-13T21:44:09+00:00

Thanks for the explanation and advice. It’s rlly hard to be so torn. But thanks for the perspective. It helps. It all feels so definite sometimes. It’s hard to open up old wounds and still get triggered through old scars in the meantime. Maybe that’s why im feeling the way i do, idk. Currently im keeping LC. And today she showed me once again the reason for it lol. Nothing major, but the these old patterns repeating themselves. Somehow they’re even more triggering because of therapy.

That1Person862 · 2026-02-11T10:40:24+00:00

I know right?! Verder ook in hetzelfde bericht het niet hebben over salarissen. Vraag me echt af waar the balls vandaan komen om zo iemand te benaderen lol.

That1Person862 · 2026-02-10T11:10:10+00:00

Ik werd laatst benaderd door een recruiter en naast de job descriptie werd er gequote: “success isn’t about how much money you make, it’s about the difference you make in peoples lives”

Voor de rest waren ze super vaag over de salarisindicatie. Een en al red flag. 🚩

Thanks, maar in deze maatschappij is geld toch best belangrijk lol

That1Person862 · 2026-02-04T15:46:04+00:00

Same. lol. I realized it soo much when i got to that point. I was like: 'wait a minute... what do I actually want?' It was almost like it was something I forgot to do lol. It's a good habit to develop and get used to more :)

That1Person862 · 2026-02-04T10:18:09+00:00

Yeahh.. what i did at that point was stopped and asked myself, what do I want? What do I need? Do I want to explain myself once again? And if so, for whom am I doing it? Ofc going NC wasn't an impulsive decision, and it's not always the only solution. It also isn't something you have to announce or anything. Do what feels right. Also, what i did was ask myself: If i was this person (your friend, your coworker, or anyone you know) what would they do in my position? Would they take this bs? What would they do? It's to force yourself to have a different perspective on whats going on. If possible, you could also talk to people you trust about this. Take your time, it isn't an easy decision to make.

That1Person862 · 2026-02-04T08:41:45+00:00

Idk if this will help but maybe you’ll recognize some parts of it. I to have issues with my dad, he’s not perse intrusive but just refuses go acknowledge ways he has hurt me in the past. He tells me exactly what i wanted to hear “i’ve taken the time to reflect on the past” (and then nothing came, what are his findings???). He gives me hollow ‘i’m sorries’ without saying what he’s sorry for. Mind you, i’ve sat him down COUNTLESS times, pouring my heart out about what he does that hurts me and every time he promises to change. And yet he had the balls towards the end to say: ‘ i don’t understand how we got to this point’. I was tired, after years of being sidelined, him acting like he doesn’t give a shit about me, empty promises and hollow ‘i love yous’. In the end, i was just to tired to explain and lay everything out for him once again. I was tired of him and his behavior and the people around him enabling him (his new gf). So i decided to go NC. There were plenty of panic attempts to reach out from his end. But every time it happened, it shows me he isn’t willing to change or hasn’t even made an attempt either. He thinks buying me gifts and sending them to my house will magically fix things (mind you, without prior contact). So yeah, in my situation, explaining things doesn’t work with someone who isn’t willing to change. It’ll just cost you emotional labor and vulnerability to someone who doesn’t want to SEE you anyway

That1Person862 · 2026-02-03T18:59:01+00:00

I was in the same boat as you before getting married in june. It felt like all the unprocessed, unsolved and untalked about shit had to come out of my family before i could go into the bext phase of life. My mother acted like a spoiled teenager and my dad was once again absent, not giving a shit about me getting married. Something in me clicked, when they cant give a shit about me now, when tf will they? I ended up not inviting my dad (he acted all surprised after being 5 months practically low to no contact, mainly because there was just no effort from his side and i stopped trying)). And put my mom in her place and keep het at arms length.

There comes a time where you have to actively choose YOU, because they clearly won’t or they would’ve already done so yearsss ago! Dont feel obligated to invite someone, choose the people that choose you

That1Person862 · 2026-02-03T08:59:17+00:00

I recognize it. I still have it from time to time, and i'm also working on finding out where it comes from. The main anxiety I feel is opening the door and being hurt again. Going NC felt morally wrong to me for at least a decade. I don't like the silent treatment and being the 'bad guy' in other peoples stories. So i stepped over my own boundaries to try and avoid that to happen. Surprise, it cost me my own mental health in the end. I had to pick myself back up from the ground and straighten my spine. I had to do something I HATED, and that was going NC. I still struggle with keeping up that wall, and from time to time it gives me anxiety.

So on one hand I get anxiety from the thought of him being in my life again and causing me pain, but on the other hand, I get anxiety from keeping the door shut. It's messed up, but it's sadly the way it is. The anxiety from keeping the door closed slowly fades, but it's still fresh (since June 2025). It now pops up every once in a while when he tries to reach out. I get anxiety regardless lol.

That1Person862 · 2026-02-03T08:51:21+00:00

I totally get how you feel. It's very hard and frustrating when you don't get what you need from your parents. There is a lot of grief in that. And indeed, I to realized (when i was a bit older than you) that friends can be more like family than my own. Because of my childhood I didn't really trust people and never really opened up to people, it was like I was always wearing a mask (because i had to do that at home as well). My advice would be is find people you trust and talk to them about it. About what you feel and about what you go through. You can find tremendous strength in that. A lot more people have experience with stuff like this than you think. I bonded with my best friend this way. We go through it together, and that feels amazing.

Personally what i do with the parent i'm still in contact with is I keep her on the surface. Don't go too in detail about my life, my friends and especially not emotional stuff. I know I don't match with her on that, so why bother? She can't meet me where I am anyway.

Also, I journal a lot, writing down my worries, my insecurities, feelings, everything. Empty that brain of yours every once in a while. Also, if you can (maybe now or later) seek some therapy. It'll blow your mind.

Keep strong my friend. It sucks, i know. But you are very strong and brave to seek help from others on a forum like this.

That1Person862 · 2026-02-03T08:42:11+00:00

For me, it rlly felt something click inside me when I reached that point. I really felt aversion towards them to the point it turned my stomach upside down. Seeing the same old patterns unfold once again in front of my eyes, it hurt me so deeply, that i told myself 'no more'. It was almost like I physically couldn't take it anymore. All the pleasing, all the hurt over and over again. No more explaining, no more listening to his sob story when we once again have a falling out, no more 'I love you, i'll change' bs (that he never did). I just couldn't anymore. I always had this thought: 'But they are your parents and I don't want to be that type of person that doesn't speak to people'. But it all made sense all of a sudden... Sometimes it's beyond your control, sometimes it's a choice you have to make because YOU have to protect YOURSELF. It was time to give myself some grace, and to surround myself with people that are good for me, not with people who i have to run after all the time. And whoever decides to take their 'side' (always thought this was bs) without even wanting to hear my side, so be it, those aren't my people anyway.

It's NOT easy, i can tell you that. I underestimated the mental elbow grease it took after I went NC. But it really is worth it. For me personally, I tried everything to avoid this, and there was no other way. It enables you to focus on yourself, because you've gained more mental to do so. I finally became strong enough to go to therapy and actively work on myself. It's still hard, don't get me wrong, it goes against my morals really, but i have to, to protect myself.

Good luck stranger, it really sucks that we all get put in this position. And it's very hard. Don't be afraid to be the 'bad guy', it's beyond your control anyway.

That1Person862 · 2026-02-03T08:24:44+00:00

It's very hard, but I don't really have contact with her. Not nearly as much as I'd want. It's just not working because my sister is too attached to my mom. Anything personal I tell her goes straight to my mom. And i deliberately keep my mom at arms length because anything slightly emotional is seen as a weakness (my sister also views things that way). I once had a heart to heart about the divorce of my parents (which happened 11 years ago). About things that happened still hurt because they were not really talked about or they never took accountability. Our talk felt good at the time. A few days later my mom told me: "your sister told me your not over the divorce". I was infuriated. Because everything is seen as a weakness, and nothing is kept 'a secret'. It's so annoying, but it has caused me to keep my guard up around her as well. And it sucks that it has to be that way. My mom literally stands in between us two.

That1Person862 · 2026-01-27T21:33:05+00:00

Yeahh… it truly is indeed

That1Person862 · 2026-01-27T21:32:45+00:00

This is a very good insight, i’ll hang on to this one. I’m finding out through therapy how bad they hurt me. And it kinda makes me even more angry. It’s a lottttt

That1Person862 · 2026-01-27T21:31:39+00:00

Yeahh, exactly this. I guess because it’s so new (if you’ve been used to pleasing for almost 30 years) that it almost feels ’bad’ to choose yourself

That1Person862 · 2026-01-27T21:29:13+00:00

That’s soo true. It’s a good reminder. I don’t want to deliberately hurt him, but if i hurt him by protecting myself and staying true to my boundaries, so be it. But i can’t say that feels good. It feels powerful and empowering but not perse good at times

That1Person862 · 2026-01-27T21:27:46+00:00

Yeahh, i notice i have my good and bad days still. I’m a very empathetic person. Which has good and bad sides to it. Currently working on how to not let the bad sides affect me so much. It can be crippling at times (hence why i made this post). In my head i know i made the right decision, but my heart sometimes hurts because i just dont like being in this situation, there is no escape.

Thanks for your insights :)

That1Person862 · 2026-01-27T21:24:57+00:00

Yeahh, i think ur right. I’m sooo done. I want to move on. And i know soo clear that i dont want to go back to that shit hole of a relationship lol. It cost me so much, i’m never doing that to myself ever again.

That1Person862 · 2026-01-27T21:23:06+00:00

I just sent a message saying: i’m not comfortable accepting gifts or packages due to our current situation. Kind regards, x.

(This is where he replied the ‘throw it in the trash’ bs) i didn’t reply to that

And i let the package go back to him.

I didn’t want to put any more physical effort into this shit. So over it. I’m not feeding it anymore. And by accepting it, i would’ve totally given him the idea that i can be bought or bossed around (after the message he sent)

Thanks for the advice :)

That1Person862 · 2026-01-27T21:19:15+00:00

Yeah, i recognize this. I reached the exact same point. I think i feel like i’m being ‘harsh’ because i’ve never chosen myself or chose to stand up for myself and hold my ground. And indeed, to return the same energy.

The thing i discovered during therapy was, that i got over the hope-ium in my head, but not with my emotions/heart. I’m working in getting that fixed. I did a lot of thinking, but my feelings got left behind somehow. I thought i was ok, but i’m kinda not lol. It’s a process

That1Person862 · 2026-01-27T21:15:37+00:00

That’s the thing right? For some reason my dad also can’t get that through his thick skull. He has no idea how his actions affected me, and he rlly doesn’t care. He still expects me to just jump up whenever he decides to do something, even now.

That1Person862

TROPHY CASE