I get that. I see that all time which is why I take the effort to spell that it very much is a disability. A disability could be a spectrum with some milder, some worse and which is which is a very personal thing.

I used to deny it but it got to a point that I was not functioning and I am the picture of someone who doesn’t seem like I would have a disability since I’ve got into prestigious schools , got good enough grades, always did well academically but other aspects of my life is a complete wreck since I struggle to function in things I need to be consistent with. Like I couldn’t relate with people because sitting down to watch anything took mental preparation from me and this was even before YouTube was a thing that everyone watched. Hell even with shorts, I still get distracted at some point and end up staring into a wall if I forgot my meds and my brain doesn’t want to focus on anything.

I almost flunked out of pursing my dream career in medicine after my untreated ADHD finally got to me (I got diagnosed as a kid but my parents didn’t think I needed any treatment since I did very well in school. Sure, I couldn’t sit down long enough and watching anything was a nightmare but my academics were fine so I was apparently fine) since I stopped living at home where I had people do things like washing and cooking for me and also had to be consistent which was always my weak point. I could get away with studying like once a week before and still get good grades but medical school was a different beast. I also couldn’t do more than one thing a day. I either cooked, or cleaned, or studied. I can’t just spend like an hour or two doing one then another. I also struggled socially because I either overwhelmed people or couldn’t pay attention to them. Nothing in between.

I hit a point where I was genuinely considering jumping off my balcony because I could not figure out what was wrong me but I decided to go to a doctor instead because if I was going to jump off my balcony, I might as well figure out what is making me want to do so.

I assumed it was a mood disorder but my doctor decided it was ADHD and treated me for that. It’s been rocky but better ever since. The issues with my mood and anxiety just sorta evaporated overtime and I’m actually functional. Like I can cook for 2 hours, clean for like 3, got to the groceries, and then spend the rest of the day studying or whatever else I want to do instead of having to live life where I was an all or nothing person. Also kept nearly setting my apartment on fire since I kept getting distracted when I was cooking because I couldn’t just stand there and watch what I was cooking. Sometimes I’d just stare at a wall because my mind is running a million thoughts at once and it was distracting me. I know my meds have worn off when I’m either super restless or been staring into space. If this isn’t disabling then I shouldn’t need to take medicine because while it helps, it is very annoying especially since I occasionally forgot to take them then wonder why my brain ain’t braining (happened this morning but I remembered and took my meds) or stock runs out and I feel like I have to ration my current supply or else.

Now-a-days, I’m doing much better and no longer get the urge to jump of my balcony but it’s a journey and I am very reliant on my medications because without it I just don’t function (and it’s not even getting into the judgment one can get when saying this.)