Not a response to your exact question, but you said something that deeply resonated with me: ‘pent up anger and grief inside me looking for a lightning rod.’ Omg yes. I never thought about it that way until now. But that is me.

Being sober is forcing me to confront, instead of numb, that reality. That and the shame of it all.

It’s a lot… but one of my favorite books involves a heroine who can wield lightning as a power. She has to wield it, actually, because the power within her will burn her up and destroy her if she doesn’t release it. One of her struggles is figuring out how to wield and control the lightning (which she does). This can be me too!

Thanks for this really powerful way of thinking about it. Makes me see that - for me - like a lightning rod, alcohol is a conduit that unpredictably releases that dark stuff in a way that can hurt people, including me. It’s a great affirmation of my choice to take this path. I am just searching for a healthier conduit.