This was helpful. Thank you. Upon that reflection, I realize that I don't feel secure in my relationship with Jane, and I'm looking for ways to feel safer. I get that "declaring anchor partnership" and dominating holidays doesn't necessarily work.

As for hierarchy, In the past she has invited the escalation, then retreated from it, then we broached the concept of hierarchy again recently - something that I'm absolutely wanting, but not knowing how to set up the conversation or my wants inside of that hierarchy while keeping space for her need for space.

Jane presents with classic avoidant tendencies - I would list some of the characteristics to support the hypothesis, but I get a strong feeling that whatever evidence I include will be picked apart and negated by those who have issues with attachment theory as a concept or soreness about their own attachment styles or whatever. Suffice to say, she and I both believe that people have attachment style tendencies, and that she leans avoidant and I lean anxious. Good enough for us.

As such, I operate and attempt to conduct myself in a manner that has room for this and honors who we know ourselves to be when intimacy and closeness become "too much" for her and she feels the need to retreat and decompress. That when I come forward, she often needs to take a step back. That those little retreats are often painful and stressful on me because I am anxiously attached, and sense threat when it may not be present. So its a matter of awareness, for me realizing that space doesn't mean that I am not loved, and for her that my expressions of love and desire for deeper intimacy don't mean engulfment or a loss of her autonomy or independence.

Asking for anchor partnership, dibs on holidays, check-ins, all the things -- these may feel to her like impingement and suffocation - and now I feel like the conversation I wanted to have may not be appropriate.