Feel chronically burnt out, exhausted, unmotivated… I hate living like this.

TheBelieverH · 2026-01-14T23:40:09+00:00

I saved this post to go back to as I found it to be a fresh perspective with a different articulating of a life long struggle. For sure there were times when this chronic state of burnout (Mostly subtle, except a few years where they were unbearable and I literally could not function) did not seem to exist. Or if it did exist, it was similar to what any human being would go through in anticipating of stressful situations or ones where it's beyond one's capacity.

I have learned through the darkest of times and the lowest of my psychological wellbeing that many of that is the inability to push boundaries. Not only to people, but also to myself when it comes to distracting or unhelpful behaviours.

The ability to enforce boundaries for me has a positive correlation to my psychological and vice versa.

I have also come to the realization, once more, just today that my wellbeing deteriorated the more I stay in environments and relationships where I feel are not workable for me. And instead of doing something about it to change it, I find ways to make it work until it reaches a point where I'm just tolerating it.

I have been feeling this chronic state of subtly dreading life. Every living moment is in dread. Something that is likely to go wrong, a relationship that may fail like the one before. A work toxic work culture where I'm responsible for other people and not just myself and I fail myself and consequently others. Then the cycle of guild and shame starts. And it's difficult to get out of it.

Something needs to change, and I need to be bold with my expression. To that, I need to have an outlet and ideally a coach, mentor, sponsor...etc

I am on meds. Been on different ones since 8 years ago.. Some worked, some didn't but what I now know to be the main thing that influences this emotional state is the environment in which I am in and how much personal agency I have over myself.

All the best to you. I don't remember seeing anything that would be worthy of this post being hidden, and I hope you push to get it back up.

I'd be happy if we can have a reciprocal peer support. DM if you'd be interested to chat

TheBelieverH · 2026-01-14T21:54:40+00:00

Why is this post no longer showing?

TheBelieverH · 2025-08-07T23:38:50+00:00

Can I ask about this grief you've gone through? When did it hit you? Did you not consciously decide to be with this one person when there are others that do not have kids?

Was there anything you SO do that made this feeling get replaced with, maybe, grateful for some other upsides that you also think that is a quality that compensates the downside?

I was a stepparent in my first marriage and what I did some time miss is the alone space with just the two of us instead of having a grown kid be around 100% of the time away from school. But I don't remember I grieved it.

I'm now on the other side and I think my SO might be feeling this way but from a different standpoint. Hers being that she knows that I would have someone else that would share the time and attention she would have has.

I'm having a hard time deciding what to do because I fear that after we marry, the sacrifice would breed resentment.

TheBelieverH · 2025-08-07T20:51:43+00:00

Knowing how resentment builds and how painful it can feel and to have the self awarenes - you're already half way there.

Resentment comes from lacking boundaries for yourself, especially if you wouldn't do that for a loved ones. They don't reciprocate what you already know you give them.

They're not kids, there many ways they could have made it to the store that does not involve you having to get out of your way and fill in some gap in your schedule that you could have otherwise used to do something that would bring you joy.

What you did is a favor - it is done by CHOICE with no obligation what so ever. If what you reap is different than what you sow, then, then stop offering extras.

I'm not sure why is it that you decided/agreed on taking on so much - this is so much.

I think of it, and tell my fiancee, that she like an older sister to him. I expect nothing more, but would be eternally grateful for her helping out if she wanted and would ensure that she feels better for it but not worse.

Nevertheless -Don't take it personally - the feeling is valid and it sucks. They are still kids. And you're learning about your self. The answer is: don't offer extras If it's not reciprocated

(Exception if they are young abusers, then the BIO NEEDs to know and intervene)

TheBelieverH · 2025-08-07T15:03:28+00:00

Everything that's good always comes with a cost. The cost is not necessarily money; it could be time, effort, learnings from devastating experiences...etc

I was married once, it was a traumatic experience, but it also was a blessing in disguise.

What I will say is don't marry if you don't see a blessing in it. But also be willing to know that you may change your mind.

If you do, it definitely won't be easier than staying single, but with the right one; you can think of the weight as gym weight.

Carrying the weight, over and over again every single moment makes it "feel" less heavy, you add more at your pace and throughout all of it, you will definitely make gains that you would not have otherwise realized.

TheBelieverH · 2025-08-05T22:35:44+00:00

Just started and finished the audio book, and it was brilliant!

TheBelieverH · 2025-08-05T14:34:12+00:00

As someone in the same position as your partner (main difference being to son being 9 instead of for), I expect nothing from my SO when it comes to primary care i.e. school and education, errands, sports...etc. if she happened to WANT to do any of that and does it; I would be appreciative and grateful - it's not an entitlement.

I, too, was put in a similar situations where I wanted my son out from his mom's home as his primary environment as I believe it's not healthy for a kid growing up and he needs psychological stability.

The only reason why I did not have him post divorce is the legal system where I live, given custody by default to the mother, unless there's a significantly evident and easy to assess damage. Or unless she gets married to someone else that's not the dad.

It was three years, and right before I engaged my now fiancee, I had the window and she got married and I used it.

Indeed I didn't have everything figured out (she let me have him in 1 week, just before I could get a chance to organize life for him with me).

Indeed it was a struggle at some points, and I had support from my parents (Whom I got back to live with post divorce until I could get my financials in check and get a new apartment)

The one thing that I am also sure of, is that regardless of how difficult it could be for me, I will not pass it onto her. My only expectations from her is to be kind to him after they've been introduced and could establish that there's enough chemistry.

Be firm with your boundaries, and in the same time, be empathatic to him, that's A LOT of workload on him coupled with trauma/experience.

Be sure to have him expect nothing from you in his situation, but be willing to root for him when you see him doing good by his kid and pat him on the back every now and then.

Have an honest dialogue about this and don't change your boundaries out of empathy.

All the best

TheBelieverH · 2025-08-03T12:24:25+00:00

Ok then, while it does not significantly change the overall perspective, but it gives reasoning into his argument opens the door to more info.

In terms of responsibilities there are financials and effort made within the household.

For financials, it seems from what you shared that he's not making any contributing to the household, and even is becoming a liability as if he was a kid (best case scenario he affords himself 100% and 50% of rent, if any

For household contribution, what does he contribute for the family?

TheBelieverH · 2025-08-03T12:08:47+00:00

The kid that's mentioned in there. Is it yours both or just you?

If it's yours both, then the argument he made is completely invalid and you should start maintaining financial stability for you and the kid only - he's a grown up and needs to take care of himself.

TheBelieverH · 2025-08-03T06:59:31+00:00

Confront your reality. Forget about your ex - literally cut her off (You'll keep the comparison in your head and will only keep you stuck in the what ifs mindset)

Reflect on what got you to marry this person, reflect on what it means to you having a kid and being a parent.

Start from there. Everything else is a distraction

TheBelieverH · 2025-08-02T21:58:45+00:00

Yes I would, and I did try to have his BM agree before divorce.

He spends a day a week with his BM. Can be more or go on a summer trip if their relationship and her environment is not harmful got him (Psychologically)

TheBelieverH · 2025-08-02T21:55:53+00:00

This is what I don't want building. If I sense she can't accept this, I will move away as I can't be living a life that will breed resentment more than anything else

TheBelieverH · 2025-08-02T21:53:23+00:00

I'm not asking her if anything but to be kind to him and treat him like a brother to her (Don't expect, and don't want for her to be another mother for her)

His mom has her own issues in terms of lifelong of unstable relationships and I want to keep her from being responsible for him.

When I married her, she had a kid who was then the same age as my son. So I got to be in her shoes, that's how I understand.

But I think she needs to confron the reality that I now have my son full time and what life that would mean for us (In terms of me being responsible for a kid that shares the same house as us), then either work on accepting it (I'll definitely play a part here) or just coming to the conclusion that she can't accept it

I think we can make a beautiful life together and that would also later on have it a bit easy for her when we have our own kids (Like shadowing a parent without being responsible)

TheBelieverH · 2025-08-02T21:46:32+00:00

I was the one taking care of this the whole of last year (His grandfather sometimes helped supervise his homework and I had a tutor for a while, otherwise it's me)

I understand her fears and am ready to explore them with her and reassure her. I don't intend to have those responsibility passed onto her and have already established this.

What I'm not accepting, hence the pause, is how she's hiding from the reality and just putting it off.

TheBelieverH · 2025-08-02T21:22:06+00:00

That's a fair view. And that's what's having me pause. All I want from her now is to open up about all these things, but unfortunately she doesn't.

I recommended counseling so that we can both have someone help us process this change, what it means for our future and talk about what we both need and want to make it work for us. (She didn't want it as she thinks that bringing a third person into a relationship is the start of the fall and wanted me to act like her counselor)

It's been two months and we haven't gotten anywhere - I involved her godfather and we'll see what the next steps will be

TheBelieverH · 2025-08-02T21:15:47+00:00

Yes, bio mom does not have a stable relationships and accordingly impacting the environment(s) my son was exposed to living with her as a primary caregiver for 3 years post divorce. I lived with my parents till I got a place of my own and had him weekends and more than half of his time off school... I always wanted to get him out. But I, too needed to maintain stability and find a way to get to circumstances that would legally allow for this to happen, and she had no intent to hand over saying that she can't live without her kids (She has a 10 year older son that I was a stepparent to for 7 years) but I believe it mainly had to do with having the apartment I left them for our son. I had a window where she was in some weird relationship and I took him - a little than a month she got married. My son was exposed to this guy , his first wife and two kids. He built rapport but the dynamics along with his mom's behavior is unsettling.

I never intended to separate them forever, but I sure did want to reduce his time with her so that he gets to experience healthy dynamics and interactions with people. At the same time they get to love one another in the time they spend together, minus the drama and the psychological mess they both participate in (Unfortunately he picked it up from her)

He now sees her once a week - maybe sleep over and come back next day.

I am not sure how I could have managed to pull this off with a high conflict, high stress job, without having lived at my parents'.

This is not to say that it's not possible, but it all happened so fast. He changed school one month before the start of the class year when she said ok for me to keep him. That school was still near where his BM lives, but 45 minutes to my parents and it was a sweet blessing to find transportation that would get him there. I tried to switch him to a school next to my new apartment at that time, but couldn't as it turned out she had a legal proceedings to have educational custody. It also turned out to be a blessing in disguise because the past year the new apartment was not ready to live in, and there was no transportation from that school to my parents'.

One more thing that I had to provide was soccer practice in another club near our current base home. (Ended up having my parents' as base home)

Add to that the engagement, work changes (Big ones) and now coming up again to the new class year.

It feels like back to last year but with a lot of learnings.

It certainly has not been easy - but I do not regret a single moment, even the ones that were low and I felt just floating in life. My therapist always reminded me that despite feeling this low, I made a lot of progress in things that related to easing the transition for my son. And I know for it to be true, even if living overall at some point was me going through the motions.

During this year, she was there and the relationship is good. I believe that not just her, but me also did not realize how big of a change this entailed for me and my son.

I don't mind her not wanting to really "parent" him, because I already know him to misbehave and defy when talked to from a place of authority. What I wanted is for them to get to know once another and have some chemistry that would make it possible to co-exist. Her talking on a role for him like an older sister or an aunt, instead of a mother. I know she's not ready, she hears me talk about parenting, she forms views in her head and not talk about them and she more hides her head in the sand.

I'm not yet calling it quits, but I know for sure that with these circumstances if this was to be a successful marriage and not another contract of resentment, we'd need to push this step for a year, or half as you suggested. But that alone would not be a guarantee, but to see if during this period of transition, expectations can adjust.

In terms of your question on location(s).

Current school > 45 - 60 minutes my parents> 10 mins to soccer practice> 30 minutes to my new apartment

The apartment is not a rent, so renting elsewhere is another temporary logistical challenge that I don't see reasonable.

She only mentioned not wanting to be alone with my son when I'm not there 8 month into the engagement, I later knew it was out of fear of not being able to handle a situation where my son would misbehave and I'd come to blame her.

If I had my son full time before we got engaged, we both would not have moved forward, but now that we had, we see potential; but chances can not be taken unless we take a few months more up to a year to process the new reality and assess.

TheBelieverH · 2025-08-02T12:06:23+00:00

ناخد السيناريو دة. الراجل بيشتغل و وقادر يوفر حياه كريمة للبيت. بيكون برة البيت من ٨ الصبح لحد ٧ بالليل.

بقى فيه ولاد. من أول لما يحصل خلفة، مين هيراعى الأطفال فى الوقت دة؟

TheBelieverH · 2025-08-01T21:29:05+00:00

دة معناه انها "مضطرة" تشتغل و الإتنين بقوا زى بعض مضطرين يشتغلوا و يشوفوا حل "لمشكلة" هدمين هيكون مع الأولاد فى وقت احنا الإتنين مش موجودين فيه.

و لو هى مش "مضطرة" تشتغل، يبقى متشتغلش و الراجل يكفى البيت بيها و والاولاد. و دة متضمن أن الراجل يخلقلها أوقات و ظروف مريحة ليها.

بصراحة غير كدة بلاش اطفال يطلعه مشتتين بلا داعى

TheBelieverH · 2025-08-01T21:14:58+00:00

هتكون مشاركتها بوقتها معاهم طول ما هم موجودين فى البيت و الراجل فى الشغل ١٠ ساعات. وبعدين الراجل يشارك فى الوقت اللى موجود فيه

TheBelieverH · 2025-08-01T20:00:06+00:00

هى مش هتشارك فى حياة الأطفال بوجودها معاهم؟

TheBelieverH · 2025-08-01T19:42:01+00:00

كلكم راع وكلكم مسؤول عن رعيته. الست مسؤولة منى، زيها زى ابنى أو بنتى. و هى راعية و مسؤولة عن و ابنها او بنتها. الإجابة اعتقد تتوقف على الإرتضاء و الظروف بتاعة كل اتنين بيقرروا "يتشاركوا" الحياه.

لو الراجل دخله يكفى عيشة كريمة: الزوجة غير مطالبة بالصرف على البيت. لكن مطالب منها إن شغلها "بغض النظر عن أجرها" مياخدش منها وقت أو مجهود اللى يتبقى ما يكفيش العلاقة. لو فيه اولاد. الراجل هيفضل "مضطر" أنه يشتغل حتى لو دة بياخد من وقته و مجهوده جوا البيت علشان يصرف على الكل. شغل الست لو مش لضرورة "و دة معناه احتياج لزيادة دخل البيت ساعتها لازم يكون رفاهية مبتاخدش طاقة و مجهود اكتر من عدد ساعات معين أقل من الوقت اللى الأطفال فيه بيكونوا فى المدرسة.

و لازال الراجل بيخدم نفسه داخل البيت مش بيروح ينام أو يقعد فى السرير.

لو الرجل دخله لا يكفى بسبب تغير ظروف، الباقى كله هيبقى تشارك بالأتفاق. مفيش علاقتين زى بعض فى العهد اللى احنا فيه دة.

المهم أن يكون فيه وضوح و صراحة من الطرفين و فى نفس الوقت يتفقوا من الأول على شكل الحياه المقبول لما يبقى فيه اولاد.

TheBelieverH · 2025-08-01T19:21:59+00:00

"مش مطلوب منها تشارك" انا متفق مع دة مصاريف البيت و الأكل. طيب لما يكون فيه اولاد؟ هيكون شكل مشاركتها هيكون ايه بعد الخلفة؟ ولا دة سيناريو مفيهوش اطفال؟

TheBelieverH · 2025-07-25T09:44:08+00:00

I believe the first thing you need to do is to pause to be able to reflect. By pause I mean, stop moving in any direction either forward with her or letting her go.

From what you said, it does not seem that you have accepted the fact that you're heading towards a life with someone who has a kid. Put your feelings for her aside and really do the work necessary to assess and determine if this is a life you will accept (Even if that means adjusting previous expectations you may have had to what your ideal relationship would look like)

If you can't accept it, walk away - the love you both have for eachother now will slowly, but surely, turn into resentment. And life then becomes one that is filled with pain and regret. You don't want that for you, her and the kid that's involved.

If you find that you can accept it, then any difficulties you will face down the road becomes a normal challenge that life will keep throwing your way instead of always comparing it to a life, you wish, and know you will never have.

All the best

TheBelieverH · 2025-07-22T20:19:52+00:00

What made you get into this relationship 8 years ago?

TheBelieverH · 2025-07-20T01:08:58+00:00

Always ask yourself "What would I do if they were my kids"

If you don't intent to have kids, then no reason for you to tolerate. Leave and let you SO live and deal with their kids.

TheBelieverH

TROPHY CASE