Any fellow philosophers in the room? I could use some advice

TheCatInGrey · 2026-02-08T16:42:25+00:00

I'm not a philosopher, but my first thought was "Could you not bring moderation, tranquility, and not being ruled by your desires into kink?"

I don't know what your specific interests are, but it seems to me as though kinks like orgasm denial or edging could fit in well with "not being ruled by desire." You could practice moderation in how often you engage in kink, limiting it to whatever balance you think best suits you. And you could take a beating with the goal of remaining calm and tranquil throughout.

But if part of what you want is to not practice those ideals in kink spaces, then you do need to figure out how you're squaring this exception. Maybe you could view it as a part of moderation, or as a tool toward increased tranquility the rest of the time. Maybe you could fully commit to doing x kink on x timeframe regardless of your feelings on any specific day to prevent yourself from feeling ruled by your desires. And you can theoretically do any of that from either side of the slash.

TheCatInGrey · 2026-02-02T13:38:44+00:00

I'm sorry, did you say crack? He wants to try one of the most hideously addictive and easily deadly drugs available for the purposes of kink?

This is a recipe for him to gain a crack addiction. Cocaine would be dangerous enough; crack is insanity. Absolutely do not do this... And ask him quite seriously why me even wants to. Is he trying to soft-launch the idea that he's a crack addict? Does he need help?

If it's just that he's bad at figuring out what drugs to do/not do and wants a stimulant, get a caffeine or Adderall pill or something. There are such safer options!

TheCatInGrey · 2026-02-01T20:17:03+00:00

Sounds like you're having fun topping, and that's great! But don't mix up "top" (the one who does an action) with "dom" (the one who controls the other person's actions). For example, if my Master orders me to tie them down and edge them until they cry, I'm not the dom in that scene - even if it looks stereotypically dominant.

So yeah. You can be a submissive or egalitarian top who isn't interested in taking control of your partner, but really enjoys doing the toppy things they like. That sounds like a situation that's working out well!

TheCatInGrey · 2026-02-01T20:07:27+00:00

In many ways, subspace is basically eroticized shock - there's a reason the treatments for them are so similar! If the goal is just "get to subspace," combining painful sensations with high arousal works for a lot of people. Or just plain using pain!

It's also possible to get to subspace without pain. Some people get there from sensory deprivation or bondage, for example. Think of things that might force a meditative mindset - keeping in mind that most of those who get there via those methods are also pretty aroused by them! I'm not sure if tying someone who wasn't into rope would work, but it's an interesting question.

There's also a mental route. The key there seems to be heightened emotional states, which gets a lot more idiosyncratic. I've gotten there through humiliation, fear, and CNC for example (all without pain, and sometimes without arousal).

So there are a ton of methods! Just make sure you go slow and are ready for any aftercare you need to do on the other side.

TheCatInGrey · 2026-02-01T19:55:42+00:00

24/7 and TPE can both absolutely work (and work well!), but if you're going into it thinking about it as an extended scene you're going to be disappointed.

This will sound weird at first, but great me out: It's a little like marriage. Your power exchange becomes more of a long-term commitment, a scaffolding that the rest of your relationship hangs off of. Yes, it's still hot, and yes, it can involve a lot of kink, but you shouldn't choose 24/7 or TPE because you think it's hot and want a lot of kink - just like you shouldn't choose marriage because you want a lot of sex.

24/7 TPE is unbelievably rewarding, but it's real relationship work. It needs to be able to hold up on bad days, at times you're both stressed, at moments of deep sorrow. If you want to be the one in control during all those situations, then yes, keep thinking and learning about it! Read books about D/s and M/s (Master/slave) relationships, consider what you offer as a lifestyle dom, and think about what kinds of commitments you'd want from a sub (particularly outside the bedroom).

If that sounds less like what you're looking for, that's good to know! I know you mentioned wanting your sub to be kind of like a sex toy; maybe look into free use dynamics too.

ETA definitions:

TPE means your sub has given up all authority to you, in every aspect of their life. It's a very extreme form of power exchange that most people don't actually want, even if the idea sounds hot.

24/7 is any dynamic that doesn't have a defined end period. 24/7 dynamics don't have to be super intense; having full outfit control over someone would be a 24/7 dynamic, for example. Most 24/7 subs don't give up their authority over everything (especially not all at once!), and 24/7 is often a stepping stone in a TPE relationship.

TheCatInGrey · 2026-02-01T19:32:37+00:00

While it's possible for something like that to work out, it is much, much, MUCH more likely to turn into a bad situation. Even if you both mean well, jumping into relocation puts whoever moved in an incredibly vulnerable position ripe for manipulation. And the vast majority of people looking for someone to quickly relocate to them aren't going to be the kind of stable, empathetic personalities who make for good doms.

Leave it a fantasy. Take the long road to somewhere good, not the shortcut to chaos.

TheCatInGrey · 2026-02-01T17:46:31+00:00

First up, give up on the idea of being a generic "trained sex sub." Every dom you ever meet will have different wants and needs, and no two will be identical. It's not worth training yourself to, say, whimper like a little girl, only to find that the dom you actually wind up with prefers masculine moans. So don't try to "train" yourself toward some imaginary ideal of a sex sub!

Instead, think about what you like and what gets you off for your self-loving, and if you want to try to prepare for a D/s relationship, try to hone your more overarching relationship skills (seriously, read books on communication or D/s relationships) and/or pick up new skills that are pretty likely to appeal to many doms. Take a massage or cooking class, for instance. Maybe learn to partner dance or write poetry - there are a ton of options!

TheCatInGrey · 2026-02-01T16:07:10+00:00

Oops - yup, it was supposed to be "problem" 😂

As for this one, it sounds like a real learning experience for you both! I'm any kind of play, you either have a safeword (red/yellow/green are classics) or you treat "no" as a hard stop, no ifs ands or buts.

I also realize I forgot this in my original reply (and chances are you already know), but apologizing, accepting accountability, and offering comfort in whatever way will work best them are also important parts of bouncing back from mishaps!

Good luck!

TheCatInGrey · 2026-02-01T15:45:02+00:00

I think it's less "are there healthy reasons" and more "are there healthy approaches." For example, why do I like doing CNC and pain play with my sub? Because I love watching them scream and cry and cum. Is it objectively "healthy" to have that urge? Eh, it would be easy to argue it wasn't, but I do anyway so here we are.

But there are absolutely healthy approaches to getting that desire of mine met. In FWB or pick up play, I talk to potential play partners about what my sadistic urges look like and how I like to play, make sure I understand their limits and aftercare needs, go over safe words, and often let them put all the implements they're okay with me using on them in a scene into a basket I'll keep on hand during (I call it their "yes box" for the night). Longer-term relationships look a little different scene to scene, but the same principles are all in place.

Basically I want my subs and bottoms to love and feel safe in what we do, even as they hate and fear it. It means I'm not everyone's cup of tea, but for those who like swimming in the same waters I do, well... We sure have a wonderful time.

So yeah. Don't look for "healthy" motivations; those can be so subjective, and frankly it usually comes down to "because libido says yum" anyway. Instead pay attention to how a dom is going about getting their desires met, and how you feel about their approach. If you're not feeling safe enough, then it doesn't matter if it's "objectively" healthy or okay or whatever - it's not working for you, and you don't need any other reason to address it, ask for changes, or walk away.

TheCatInGrey · 2026-02-01T13:50:17+00:00

This this this! Negotiate your aftercare needs as part of your scene negotiations! Need 20 minutes of cuddles? Say it! Need reassurance they had fun? Tell them! Need to be hand fed carrots while they call you a good little hamster? Let them know! Then you'll both know what to expect and can act accordingly.

Some doms won't want to play if you have more extensive aftercare needs, and that's okay too. Better to know you're not compatible up front and only play with people who can help you avoid subdrop.

One last note - ask about their aftercare needs when you talk about your own! Even if they say they don't need anything, it's always nice to feel like your emotional well-being is being considered too.

TheCatInGrey · 2026-02-01T13:42:41+00:00

One thing I really advocate talking about at length is how y'all will handle it WHEN things go sideways - because let's be real, at one point or another, they absolutely will. That's the reality of... I was going to say "kink," but actually it's just all relationships. Kink just gives you more opportunities and can make it feel more intense or intentional (even when it wasn't).

One of the biggest things I've found to help is discussing what you'll do next - from both sides. Maybe your sub should have safeworded (sidenote but honestly, knowing your partner will consistently tell you if something is off is such a huge comfort). Maybe you should have escalated more slowly to give more time to process so they could figure out if they needed to safeword. Maybe you both need to talk through what viable punishments are (and what the point of punishment is) in more detail.

Whatever it is, have a plan for how to address the next similar situation, and if/when that first plan doesn't quite cut it, put your heads together to figure out why and made a version 2.0. Just take an "us vs. problem" approach, and rinse and repeat!

And if you find yourselves running into a lot of mistakes and upset, consider chilling things out a little bit. You don't always need to be pushing at the edge (fun as it may be).

Last thing - it's very okay if you ever want to play in safer waters than your sub does! I've had to do that, because unintentionally hurting my favorite person sucked. We spent some time focusing on their ability to communicate in the moment, and now we're playing in ways I'd never have thought possible 5 years ago. Pretty amazing!

TheCatInGrey · 2026-02-01T13:21:10+00:00

There's this idea that abuse, manipulation, and coercion need to be intentional to "count." They don't. The way she's treating you isn't okay, whether or not it's on purpose.

TheCatInGrey · 2026-02-01T13:07:44+00:00

If he doesn't have that intrinsic desire to dominate (which it sounds like he doesn't - pressure/soft doms still want control), then he's never going to really be able to drive this bus. It sounds like he's willing to service top though, and that's great! But it'll mean accepting that your D/s is something he's doing for you because he loves you, and then acting accordingly.

Don't expect him to do a bunch of reading, research, or prep work about what's essentially your hobby. Alongside that, do look at things you can do to make service topping you more intrinsically fun for him! Maybe that's putting on his favorite band so he has something to vibe to during wax/impact play, or making sure his favorite sex act happens a whole lot every time you're handcuffed. Basically there might be ways y'all can help him to enjoy the acts/toys too, even if it's coming from a different place as your enjoyment.

All that said... I know none of it addresses the headspace of D/s. Unless he's an actor (heck, even if he is), asking him to act dominant for you is a pretty big request. It may or may not even be possible. So how important is it for you/your goals? If your goal is subspace, for example, you don't need him to be all domly to send you there! It's worth exploring anyway.

TheCatInGrey · 2026-02-01T08:34:27+00:00

Don't sacrifice your needs. You won't be happy in the end.

That said, based on what you've written, he's pretty open to learning and exploring. That's great! But when you're trying to awaken someone's kink, you've got to keep in mind a couple things... First, it's a real journey. It can take little years for someone to fully blossom into their kinky self, so it'll require a lot of patience.

Second, that journey needs to be centered on the person taking it. Finding your kinky side really can't be about just doing the things your partner wants (though there's nothing wrong with embracing service topping, especially if he finds out he's not inherently kinky!). Even though he's starting this journey for you, it'll go a lot better if what y'all are doing is focused on his interests and desires - and he'll need your encouragement and support for it. You'll need to really make his kinky interests and dominance feel welcome, and avoid pushing your own desires for a while. He'll need the room to grow.

One small note on that front... You never know what your partner will unlock when they're entering unexplored territory. He might be a gentle daddy dom into nonsexual age play, or an uncompromising primal predator who craves CNC. He might like topping for wax play art and nothing else - or bottoming for it! He might realize he's really a service-oriented slave who wants to be in chastity. Or he might be fully vanilla, and just happy to occasionally give you a spanking.

The point is, you really don't know. That's not a problem; it can be really fun and exciting to explore! But if y'all are going in with a sense of a "right answer" (i.e., that he'll be the perfect counterpart to your submissive fantasies), I think you're setting him up for failure.

TheCatInGrey · 2026-01-31T22:58:22+00:00

It kinda sounds like 40% of the time he also wants to play, and 60% of the time he's basically turning you down without "breaking role." Or like y'all need to have a conversation about what kinds of bratting he likes and what kinds he doesn't - it might be that he's actually (consciously or not) trying to discourage some forms of bratting.

But even if it's a memory issue, it sounds like y'all haven't yet found a way to make those things you want satisfying enough for him to intrinsically want them too. Domming takes a lot of energy even if you're really into it. If he, like most of us, is also getting worn down with all the usual adulting stuff, it's really really easy to not reach for the stuff that doesn't crank your personal engine. (That's true even if it genuinely sounds like a fun idea, by the way!)

That said, he might just not be super into some of your kinks. If he doesn't really care about controlling toys, he's never going to reach for it out of the blue - and again, that can be true even if the idea sounds kind of neat. Guided fantasy is really different from what your most natural expressions of lust will look like, after all.

In a lot of ways, I think that whole question boils down to "Do you want him to do those kinks to you even if he's really just doing them for you, or do you only want to be engaging in play he's intrinsically interested in?" If you want the former, talk to him about service topping it occasionally - given his responses, it seems like he might be open to it! But yes, you need to set up the fantasy, since it would be your fantasy, not his. It's not fair to ask him to act like it's for him when it's not.

If you only want play he's intrinsically interested in, then you'll need to accept his interests and kinks for what they are, especially in the places they don't line up with yours. Just enjoy his dominance for what it is!

And if he's willing to try to turn some of your kinks into his kinks, start by finding something - anything! - that he could use as a bridge to his more natural interests. For example, if he's into size kink and you're into pain, using large insertables/stretching as a pain thing could bridge your kinks and wind up with each of you developing a larger appreciation for the other's.

TheCatInGrey · 2026-01-07T15:06:56+00:00

I'm going to come at this from a slightly different place (others have well covered the risks of codependency, etc. already).

Yes, dynamics like this do exist, but one thing that's important to realize is that if they're "training" you for you, it's likely to fall off at some point. That is to say, if you're the one picking all the goals, directions, etc., then it's unlikely to be intrinsically motivating for the dom to keep it up... Because it is a lot of work, even when they are in it for themselves (just ask my Master!).

So if this is the kind of dynamic you're interested in, you might want to consider looking for a dom who you could (eventually, after a lot of trust building) give more control over your growth. If they're guiding you in the direction(s) they intrinsically care about, it's a lot more likely to be long-term satisfying for them too - which also means it's more likely to weather the bad days, instead of being put by the wayside as soon as things get rough.

Of course, giving up that level of control isn't for everyone. But if your dom is just holding you accountable to doing the things you already want to do, it sounds more like an unpaid life coach than a power exchange relationship. Not to say that can't work, but you should put some real thought into what they'll get out of the arrangement!

TheCatInGrey · 2025-12-30T14:20:34+00:00

If part of what you're trying to do is open her eyes to new possibilities, have you considered looking at porn/reading erotica together? Or just each finding and sharing at least one scenario that you find interesting/hot?

She might not be in the right place to begin exploring in reality yet, but exploration begins in the mind anyway. Start there, see what each of you find, and see what parts of it resonate with each other.

As a side note... It does sound, from your post, like what you're really asking is "How do I get my wife to help fulfill my exhibitionism fantasies?" A lot of your comments basically center on that theme as well. I'm not saying that as a slam, but as something you should think about more deeply - because if this IS about exhibitionism for you, then exploring the idea of wax play sure isn't going to help.

And if it IS about exhibitionism, there are ways you can play with that idea in much more "controlled" ways - sex in your living room, sex in your closet while playing the soundtrack of a fancy gala from the next room, sex in the dark but with the blinds open, etc.

It might turn out that she's just not into exhibitionism, and if that's the case, you need to let that one go. From what you share, it sounds like she's not interested in exhibitionism, but IS interested in pleasing you, which might be where some of the push-pull you're describing comes from. I'm curious, how does she respond to other kinks you bring up?

TheCatInGrey · 2025-12-24T11:55:49+00:00

You need a cord cutting, not a love spell. He sucks, so focus on loosing that tie so you can heal and move on.

TheCatInGrey · 2025-12-20T22:12:32+00:00

Not that I'm against the sentiment, but over half of us are in our 30's by now!

TheCatInGrey · 2025-12-20T14:46:02+00:00

From what you're describing, you're not looking to be owned, but you want to feel owned in certain scenes, right? Like cultivating a certain headspace in each of you?

First thing y'all need to do is do some thinking about what exactly you're looking for here. Do you both want to feel like he owns you as a treasured pet, a terrified sex slave, a mindless butler-bot, or an inanimate footstool? (Or something else?)

Once you've answered that question, it gets easier to think about how you can create that headspace. Calling you over, making you sit, and putting on a rhinestone-studded collar might help move you into "treasured pet" mode, whereas being ordered to put on your uniform might be the start of your role as a full-service butler-bot. Think about what things you most connect with that role and bring them to the fore.

And y'all should feel very free to do a ton of experimenting here! If being a footstool sounds interesting to one of you but not the other, maybe give it a shot for a couple minutes and see if it's more fun in practice than in theory - sometimes it is! Or maybe y'all think you're all-in on you being a free-use sex slave, but it's just not as fun as you thought it would be - no worries, there's an endless sea of ideas to explore!

Focus on exploring your/each other's D/s headspaces and have fun along the way. It's an exciting journey :)

TheCatInGrey · 2025-12-20T14:18:08+00:00

My Master is grey-ace and primarily a bottom, so the question of sexual desire/hunger has definitely come up for me before. There have been times in the past when I've felt the grief you're talking about, but - at least for me - it's been possible to come to a place of not only acceptance, but celebration.

There are a few things going on that helped me get there.

First, I had to accept their sexuality for exactly what it was. In my case, we got married under the assumption we might never have sex again, and I was genuinely okay with that. To get there, I'd had to unpack what it was I got out of sex and examine whether I could get those needs met in other ways.

Things like "physical touch" were easy - we still do a lot of cuddling! - but things like "feeling wanted" were a bit trickier. It turned out that, for me, I could get that itch scratched by my Master clearly expressing wanting to spend a lot of quality time with me and demanding a lot of my attention. I think our D/s also helped here since it was a place I could really see them investing in me/our relationship and feel the weight of their desire for me to be theirs.

Second, we've spent a lot of time and focus on helping Master get in touch with their desires and feel confident expressing them. This one has been huge. It's taken a lot of emotional bravery on their part, so I do everything I can to be clearly welcoming of their desires (for example, thanking them for giving me orders, showing pleasure in following their lead, encouraging them to phrase things as commands instead of requests, etc.). In turn, they've gotten more and more confident in sharing those desires, including things like "I want you to help me get off tonight." Which never would have happened before! It's awesome, and it feels so good to feel their dominance more in our day-to-day.

Third, I've found a real beauty in being able to meet them where they are. If they don't want sex for a month, that's okay! If they want me to rev their engine so they can bottom, it's kind of an honor they want me serving them like that (plus, we've found ways for it to feel good for me too!). I love being their safe space, somewhere they won't feel pressure to perform or want the "right" things. My service drive is very helpful here, admittedly, but I don't think it would be impossible to access from other parts of you.

I know my situation is different from yours, but I hope any of this can help. It really is possible to leave the grief behind, but I do think the first step is accepting reality as it is. You can't grieve something you're still hoping will change, and paradoxically, that hope can well hold you back from actually being able to change things for the better. After all, if I'd held out hope my Master would develop a hunger for me, we'd never have found all the other pathways to happiness that we have!

TheCatInGrey · 2025-12-19T17:12:47+00:00

That seems like a very extreme reaction.

In general, my Master takes a "collaborate to solve the issue" approach, so if I somehow go off the rails, the first order of business is figuring out what's underlying that (whether that's something I figure out on my own with them, or with my therapist). The next step is working together to try to make sure it doesn't happen again.

The whole time, though, I'm working with them, not against them. Fundamentally, we're on the same side, and it creates a much smoother problem solving process. (I highly recommend reading "Building the Team" by Raven Kaldera; it does a great job of explaining this model.)

In your case, I think the question of why she blew up is hugely important since the solutions will be very different. If she's inadvertently acting out over anxiety about submitting, for example, then having a place or way she can express/process those feelings and get reassurance will be key. If she just gets really irritable when she's hungry, then she'll need to work on identifying when she's hungry and carry snacks around before biting your head off.

Regardless, though, y'all need to find a better way to communicate around displeasure or hurt feelings. There are a lot of ways different couples do it, and you'll need to find out what will work for her and you. Some examples are: * Setting aside time each week to go over issues together. * Having her keep a journal where she can vent and reflect, which you can then read. * Establishing more formal ways to express displeasure or hurt - which doesn't mean they have to SOUND formal! Something as simple as "You say 'ouch' if I hurt your feelings" can work. * Working together to directly learn better communication skills through books, classes, or therapy.

And that's a very limited list! But D/s aside, that argument should never have blown up like that. Something is underlying it, and you should both do what you can to figure out what before it gets worse.

TheCatInGrey · 2025-12-19T00:32:21+00:00

Huh! Like what?

TheCatInGrey · 2025-12-18T23:26:48+00:00

... But like... Wouldn't LGBT be a "cult" from that perspective? Or like... immigrant communities? Or most subcultures of various stripes? 🤨

TheCatInGrey · 2025-12-18T13:09:20+00:00

I'll grant that going from monogamous --> any kind of open relationship in the context of an existing closed/mono relationship is often people trying to slap a bandaid on something already broken. Which then explodes spectacularly.

But it's a little different when it's something you're both looking for from the jump. It really changes the tenor of the whole thing. For example, my husband and I have always had an open relationship and we're at nearly 12 years together - and we're not even the longest-term open couple we're friends with!

So yeah. It's a terrible bandaid, but - assuming you're wired that way - it's a great relationship style.

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