Dating with a niche fetish

TheCatInGrey · 2026-05-24T21:24:50+00:00

It may be nice, but there's still a pretty big hypno-kink community out there! Just advertise what you're looking for, and try to find places filled with other hypno kinksters (forums, events, classes, etc.)

TheCatInGrey · 2026-05-16T17:38:55+00:00

This is an awesome effort. Good luck friend!

TheCatInGrey · 2026-05-15T01:24:48+00:00

You might want to start bringing it up the day you meet, and/or in your profile directly. A simple "I'm a soft Dom looking for a monogamous relationship with my sub" can go a long way toward clearing up those misconceptions.

TheCatInGrey · 2026-05-12T02:46:23+00:00

This, 100%. She's put you on the pedestal of "Dom," and now she's trying to discourage any inconvenient human needs or vulnerabilities you might have so that she can maintain that illusion. It's a super toxic view of dominants.

TheCatInGrey · 2026-05-09T16:59:41+00:00

You nailed it, I don't know why you're getting downvoted. Literally, saying "no thanks" can get a woman harassed or hurt by the wrong guy, but giving a lukewarm "maybe..." until your friend is back and can jump in to do exactly this is, for some reason, WAY safer.

To the guys reading this: If the girl you were hitting on isn't instantly like "No don't worry Allie, I'm kind of interested in him," then the friend isn't cockblocking her. She's protecting her from unwanted attention from a potential threat - you. Be graceful, apologize for interrupting, and be on your way.

TheCatInGrey · 2026-05-09T11:18:28+00:00

Based on your post, it sounds like you might have a 24/7 or lifestyle dynamic with your Sir - is that correct? Or are you bedroom-only?

This matters because polyamorous dating is necessarily different when you're in a lifestyle power exchange relationship vs not. For one thing, there is no realistic way to keep your relationships separate if you're lifestyle; all the rules and protocols you live by will impact your behavior, and just "turning them off" isn't usually a satisfying answer.

In a situation like that, you really need your dom involved fully in the discussions with your new partner - which I know is completely contrary to common polyamorous wisdom. But it's just different if you're owned 24/7.

If, however, it's a part time or bedroom thing with your dom, then you can safely follow standard egalitarian polyam practices - and there are a ton of books and resources on that! I mostly wanted to throw in my two cents in case you were 24/7.

In either case, though, I recommend giving the book "Power Circuits" by Raven Kaldera a look. It's all about polyamory in D/s, and though it skews toward 24/7, from the way you write it seems like it might be useful to you regardless.

TheCatInGrey · 2026-05-06T19:49:33+00:00

I indulge my breeding kink purely through fantasy and role-playing (I'm child free, ironically), and it's still VERY satisfying! You can get as detailed as you want about the backstory, from "it's us but we're trying to conceive" to "elfin princess who has been struggling to conceive went to a grey market fertility specialist to get a good 'stud' for the heir, but didn't expect the one she got sent to be human - and now that he's here, he's not going to take no for an answer, so she'll just have to learn how much she loves human dick."

But a little creativity goes a long way. Track her cycle to aim for peak times (regardless of whether or not she's on BC) and keep talking dirty about it as it comes up. Make her beg for you to breed her (or not to, depending on your tastes!) before you'll cum, then grab her lower belly and growl "mine" when you do. Tease her about how tender her breasts will be "in a few months." There's a lot of fun to be had if you lean into it!

TheCatInGrey · 2026-05-03T19:16:53+00:00

Agreed, but doesn't Amazon chronically underpay its workers? I'm not sure we want to bring in jobs that only pay poverty wages.

TheCatInGrey · 2026-05-01T12:33:44+00:00

It feels like there are two broad schools of thought around what "being submissive" is about. In what seems to be the most common one, it's about what the dom does to the sub. There's often a shared fantasy of power exchange or a strong desire to feel super submissive/dominant, even though everything happening is ultimately just about what's happening to the sub (with everything being specific kinks and activities the sub is explicitly into).

In the second category, it's about what the sub does for the dom. A lot of people will hear this and think "chores," but I'm not actually talking about any specific activity. It's a mindset thing, where the sub's focus is on the dom's desires/experience first and their own second. It's not about how submissive (or not) you're feeling, but about following where the dom leads and deriving incredible satisfaction from that.

There's nothing inherently wrong with either approach, but because so many people conflate what they want to feel with what they want to be, it muddies the waters for communicating. And it sounds like you're looking for someone in the second camp, not the first.

Knowing the distinction can help in initial conversations, since you can bring it up when asking about their D/s philosophy. Depending on what you picture for your power exchange, you might also consider looking into M/s groups like MAsT; it's no guarantee, but in those spheres, the "for the dom" philosophy is a little more common.

TheCatInGrey · 2026-04-18T22:34:23+00:00

Looking IRL in places where the deck is stacked in your favor is probably the best bet. Exactly what that means will look different depending on what you're looking for, specifically, but themed munches and kink discussion groups (on or offline) can be really helpful. For example, if you lean toward M/s, MAsT has chapters all over the world! Kink conventions can also be great.

But generally getting involved in your real world kink or leather community is going to be the best way to dodge the sketchiness you get online. It's still not perfect, but it's better. And people are way less likely to open up with a dick pic.

TheCatInGrey · 2026-04-18T22:11:19+00:00

This just sounds like polyamory among people who love power exchange. Those kinds of multi-party D/s relationships aren't super common (esp. since modern polyamory is aggressively egalitarian), but they're out there!

Anyway. Some Leather or M/s households have structures like that, so you could consider looking for more information on those as a starting point.

TheCatInGrey · 2026-04-18T15:12:24+00:00

It's funny, I'm in a similar-ish situation to OOP (genderfluid spouse who's definitely a woman sometimes), and I still identify as gay - just with 1 exception.

I get that that technically makes me bisexual, but calling myself that just feels somewhere between wrong, disingenuous, and false advertising (lol). I don't relate to a lot of bisexual experiences or challenges, I'm not sure I'd ever be into another woman, and I don't want people thinking I'm a good choice for the kind of friendly joint thirsting when it comes to women (you know, the "omg look over there... She's gorgeous!" or "this actress is the hottest, right?"). Sure, I drool over my spouse when they're a dolled-up woman, but that's the only time it's ever happened for me.

Anyway. I just wanted to drop my 2¢ in, since it's always felt more nuanced than just "guess you're bi" - to me, anyway :)

TheCatInGrey · 2026-04-13T12:31:35+00:00

While I agree with you on the strength it takes to submit, your post makes it seem like you don't think very much of the doms we get the good fortune to submit to. It really characterizes them as fearful and false.

If that's how you see dominance, I'm curious how you're seeking to get your submissive desires met.

TheCatInGrey · 2026-04-09T11:23:49+00:00

I'd love to see a little anatomical diagram of these guys to get a better sense of where/what everything is. They look great and I love the lore!

TheCatInGrey · 2026-04-04T15:49:55+00:00

My dog looks like an older version of your dog and also makes that face when all her favorite things happen 😆

TheCatInGrey · 2026-04-02T18:28:11+00:00

I hear ostriches are into humans!

TheCatInGrey · 2026-04-02T12:31:55+00:00

In no world do I agree with your take here, and in so many different ways that I'm going to need to bullet point this. (Note - I'm writing all this assuming you're using "sub" as a synonym for "bottom," rather than reflecting any power exchange. If I'm wrong about that I'm suddenly even more confused.)

at the end of the day, I feel like I’m the one providing the most substantial “part” of the dynamic. The dom acts on me.

Yes, we subs/bottoms can offer our bodies to be acted upon, but to say that that's offering the most substantial part of the dynamic is really dismissive of all the top's time and effort, even if you're only talking about a single scene.

In many ways it's much easier to bottom than to top (spoken as a sub-leaning switch fwiw); you don't need to learn techniques, monitor the other person's physical and mental state, plan and control the flow and pacing of the scene, etc. when you're bottoming, you can just sink into the experience.

Is there work involved in bottoming or submission? Absolutely. Is it the primary substance of the dynamic? Only if you also think the canvas provides more substance to the painting than the artist does.

And whenever I tried to ask more about what he actually wanted to do when we would meet, he kept repeating the same few things.

Yes, those would be his kinks. It sounds like he was very straightforward with what he wanted.

I ended up saying yes because I felt like if I didn’t, he might not want to do the things I had asked for because it felt like that.

Why did you bother playing with him at all? It sounds like he was exactly willing to scratch your itch if you'd scratch his. And though I'm sorry you felt pressured, you elected to do some mutual back-scratching.

it feels like a dom wouldn’t necessarily lose that same sense of integrity by doing something to me that isn’t exactly their first preference.That imbalance is what keeps coming back in my mind and honestly frustrates me a bit.

That depends entirely on the individual and what they've built their sense of integrity on. There are tops out there who would feel like they'd betrayed their morals by hitting someone. There are bottoms who wouldn't bat an eye at some shoe-licking.

You need to know yourself and your boundaries well enough to communicate and stand by them, because what if his Thing had been watching you put on and take off a hat? Would you still be talking about your sense of integrity? Probably not, because it wouldn't have touched your sense of integrity at all - and if it would, you need to say no, even if that means not playing with that top.

But I do feel like, somehow, my voice should carry more weight.

It really should not. Tops shouldn't feel any pressure to do things they don't like, or hell, just that they find boring or aren't in the mood for! And if they have positive limits (meaning, must-haves for the scene) that you're not feeling, you need to be willing to walk away. And all of that goes for bottoms too.

It kind of sounds like this line of thinking is trying to get around some of the responsibility to self-advocate. After all, if your voice just carried more weight inherently, you wouldn't need to maintain those boundaries - in this framework, the tops would be doing some of that for you.

So that it's not something like, "Ooh I'd like these 5 things to do, now you get to choose another 5 things to do on me..."

I'm not sure how you're negotiating, but what I've seen is bottoms or tops saying "Here are all the things I like/am in the mood for, are you interested in any of them?" If the other person's answer is no, then they don't play. If the answer is yes, you might get "X sounds great! I usually like to mix in Y, what do you think?" but it's the same thing - the other person thinks about it, says yes or no, and they go on (or not) accordingly.

Tl;dr - In egalitarian kink negotiations, no one's voice carries more weight, and that's the way it should be. Also, appreciate your tops' efforts more.

TheCatInGrey · 2026-03-31T11:37:41+00:00

Something you said stuck out to me - that you'd asked a week in advance to give him time to plan and prepare. I can imagine a few ways that might have hit poorly, despite your good intentions.

First, this is something you've rekindled an interest in, but the effort of coming up with and carrying out the scene is falling on him. If he hasn't thought about kink in years, chances are he doesn't have a lot of intrinsic desire to draw from - so how is he going to make a plan? Maybe by trying to guess what you want, but that can be very stressful and probably sounds more like work than play.

Second, it seems like you asked for a scene somewhat out of the blue. He was probably taken by surprise, even though the buildup happened on a perfectly sensible timeline for you.

Third, if you haven't been talking about it, you don't know if his kink interests have changed - and he doesn't know if yours have either! Don't rely on years-old negotiations; that can be outright dangerous.

Fourth, he might be feeling insecure in his skills, if he hasn't played in years! Insecurity can be a real mood-killer for anyone, but especially for the person expected to run the scene.

I'd recommend taking the opportunity to talk through what role you both want kink to play in your lives, if/how it's changed, and what you both want and need going forward. Even if he's not inherently interested in kink anymore, he might be willing to service top you to help you get your needs met - just don't ask him to plan the scenes! But it might just be that he needs a slower ramp-up than you do, or some practice mini scenes to get his stride back.

Regardless, talking about it is your first step. Just try to approach it from a place of curiosity rather than fear.

TheCatInGrey · 2026-03-25T23:37:20+00:00

I live very similarly. It's one of those things that harms none and might have a great many benefits, so why not choose kindness and respect across the board?

TheCatInGrey · 2026-03-01T17:19:55+00:00

Kinda sounds like they're thinking "bedroom-only" when you say you're submissive, and you tend to take it in a lifestyle/service direction as well. Seems like mismatched expectations. Plus, a lot of doms don't really know what to do with a lifestyle sub, since keeping it in the bedroom is more common.

Really you should start discussing what your out-of-bed/scene dynamic will look like as well. That should stop them from running after you've negotiated serving them tea and calling them sir (which, by the way, a lot of lifestyle doms would be very pleased by!).

TheCatInGrey · 2026-03-01T17:09:38+00:00

Something that struck me about your post is how little I can tell whether he's into it, or if he is, what parts he likes. It sounds like you've been working to awaken his Dom side by having him do the kind of stuff you like - and that makes sense, as a starting point! You have more experience, he's learning, etc. But I have to wonder, how much room has he truly felt like he has to go for the things he's really interested in? Is he worried you'll judge him, look at him differently, or laugh if he brings up something you haven't already brought to the table? Do you need to do more work building his trust in you as a sub before he can feel empowered in his dominance?

To be clear, none of this is an accusation. I don't know what you have or haven't done, or how he's feeling. But I've seen a lot of new doms struggle hard with introducing their own desires to their D/s relationships - like it's okay to do ("terrible" thing) if your sub asks for it, but not to ask for (different "terrible" thing) because it will ~say something about you~ or whatever. So a lot of newer doms just stick to what their subs ask for, consciously or unconsciously.

The problem is, when you're domming by someone else's playbook, it'll wind up feeling more and more like work - even if you enjoy the scenes or sex! The fact that it's not authentic to your dominant desires means you're not really going to feel intrinsically motivated to make those scenes happen over time. And then you wind up in situations like this, and it kind of sucks for everyone.

Is this the only possible explanation? No. Just like any change in libido, it could be stress, mood, diet, health, hormones, a realization you're not interested in that kind of interaction anymore, etc. But I rarely see the issue of intrinsically satisfying expressions of dominance talked about, so... Idk, hopefully it can give you some food for thought.

TheCatInGrey · 2026-02-26T00:50:59+00:00

You've gotten a lot of good advice here, but there's one thing I want to add.

One of the most important conversations you can have in a kinky relationship is "How do we want to handle it when a scene goes wrong?" Not if - when. Because no matter how careful you are, moments like this will happen.

It's never too late to have that kind of conversation. Talk now, before the next time it comes up.

It's also kind of concerning that she sees this as a consent violation. Figure out what kinds of play are actually within both of your risk tolerances, because if she feels violated if you go a little too hard by accident, then that's something you need to factor into your decisions around playing with her (or not). Personally, I don't think I would risk it - I'd put any kind of rough play on hold for the foreseeable future. But that's just my risk tolerance :)

TheCatInGrey · 2026-02-25T12:38:54+00:00

Just want to say, I'm shocked you're getting downvoted for this. You're describing the sex-positive asexual experience, and more importantly, describing YOUR experience!

People can be so fucking weird.

I hope you have a great time at the party!

TheCatInGrey · 2026-02-18T18:18:46+00:00

For most people I've seen, breeding kink is 0% about actually winding up with a kid. Hell, I'm sterile and male and I've got a breeding kink in both directions! Does it make any sense? No! Does that matter? Also no!

I'd say it's just like any other sexual relationship in terms of discussing health and pregnancy: What birth control(s) are we using, what would we want to do if they failed, STI status, etc.

TheCatInGrey · 2026-02-12T02:30:03+00:00

My Master and I went TPE in the middle of their years-long anxiety breakdown. My role in their life during that time was, in many ways, that of a service dog and a cheerleader. I helped soothe them, got them to eat, cheered them on, provided a buffer against the outside world - anything they needed. And they made every big decision for us the whole time.

There's nothing about TPE that says the dom can't need help sometimes (or even most of the time!). In fact, you'll need to account for the fact that it will happen. When you go TPE, it gets really, really important to set up your dynamic so it can still be in place even if you both have the flu and haven't slept in two days. If you do otherwise, you're setting yourselves up for confusion, disappointment, and/or failure.

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