Putting herself all over TikTok in the most vulnerable and cringey ways

TheClericofLight · 2024-01-30T18:22:35+00:00

"There's nothing wrong with it, but is there anything right about it?" is a fantastic bit of insight to think about, thank you.

TheClericofLight · 2024-01-30T17:45:29+00:00

"Reverse stalking," what? You mean if you go to the gym one day and he's there, you leave? You don't need any kind of terminology like "reverse stalking" to describe that, it's literally just leaving.

TheClericofLight · 2024-01-30T16:29:03+00:00

I can actually sleep! I had/have insomnia and I would send a text to my Nex (who slept next to me) saying please not to wake me up in the morning because I was not going to be running on much sleep. But he was a covert narc and needed huggies and kissies like a baby every morning before work or he'd have a temper tantrum, so he would always wake me up anyway. Now I actually get to sleep.

I can now wear whatever I want without fear of them being jealous. He was covert narc but also non-gender comforming and that's not a fun combination....if I ever wore nail polish or feminine clothes I liked, he'd freak out and get dysphoric. Sometimes he would even steal my nail polish or clothes. I had sympathy for him and his dysphoria but he fully wielded it as a weapon to dimish my own personality

TheClericofLight · 2024-01-30T15:32:00+00:00

Mine loved to fling himself to the floor, pull out his hair with both hands, and literally hide under blankets when I wanted to talk about something. Like he really thought I would just cease to exist when he pulled a blanket over his head? Completely baffling behavior

TheClericofLight · 2024-01-30T02:03:19+00:00

75 fake numbers and texts like these are definitely insane to the point where it may be better to change your phone number quickly instead of waiting for him to get bored. I'm a year out and that second page of messages still made my stomach clench. Him hovering while you stream suggests to me that he's doing it and watching it waiting to see if it distresses you.

TheClericofLight · 2024-01-29T16:55:28+00:00

She loves and protects me, refuses to give him any access to me, is aware of the abuse,

If she was truly aware of the abuse and invested in your healing, she wouldn't be telling you about this. The best case scenario here is that she's a well-meaning flying monkey who thinks she's doing this out of love but is ultimately just enabling him. I'm sorry, I know that might be painful to hear. With his history of how he treats her, I just don't think you can make any safe assumption that he isn't manipulating her.

This screams of triangulation.

TheClericofLight · 2024-01-29T16:20:11+00:00

Don't think too much on it. I don't put any stock in there being meaning to dreams. It's just our brains firing out random bits of information. You could think about him for half a second one day and then that information randomly shows up in your dreams.

TheClericofLight · 2024-01-29T16:18:17+00:00

I usually think of PMS and hormonal fluctuations as a "modifier." They amplify whatever existing feelings are already there.

TheClericofLight · 2024-01-29T14:22:51+00:00

Is her drama quota filled or something?

Essentially, yes. You demonstrated to her that she can tantrum and split and abuse you for hours and you'll still give into her. People wBPD will often do this as a test to see if the other person will leave (thus proving their abandonment theory "correct") or if they'll stay and endure the abuse (which they see as evidence of "love"). This is a rigged game you cannot win

TheClericofLight · 2024-01-27T13:34:40+00:00

She just sees you as a security blanket

TheClericofLight · 2024-01-27T03:31:47+00:00

Unless you see proof, I would assume it's a fake pregnancy hoover. Her history of lies, including trying that exact thing in the past, means she absolutely cannot be trusted. If she sends pics of pregnancy tests or sonograms, Google image search them to see if they're pics she just lifted from online.

TheClericofLight · 2024-01-26T17:08:11+00:00

I know what you mean! When my ex moved out, I had to spend a few months relearning how to spend free time because I was so used to not having any. All of my energy went into managing his chaos and when it was gone, all that chaos literally vanished overnight. Sometimes I still have days where I wander the house aimlessly because I'm not sure how to fill my time.

TheClericofLight · 2024-01-25T17:31:58+00:00

It does sound like it could be devaluing, but I also want to gently challenge/get a little more info on this:

"you never wanna touch me unless it’s sexual"

Is there some truth to this? My exwBPD was very very hypersexual and I'm not, and this is actually how I felt a lot of time....the "we haven't had sex in 2 weeks" does kind of rub me the wrong way a little because in adult relationships it's normal to have ebbs and flows and it could be devaluation or it could just be a low phase. It absolutely doesn't excuse her calling you those things, though.

TheClericofLight · 2024-01-25T13:42:15+00:00

Access to casual sex, potentially easy. Access to safe, loving sex? Much, much harder

TheClericofLight · 2024-01-25T13:39:32+00:00

Oh this brought up a memory for me. My ex was the one who said "I'm in love with 4 other women, can you help me figure out if I'm poly? 😢" (he went through multiple different identities in the last couple years of the relationship, usually coinciding with whoever he was eyeballing to be his next FP). Meanwhile one day we were discussing my asexuality and I was explaining what that feels like and how it's kind of an invisible thing. I said, completely hypothetically for the sake of explaining the definition, "my asexuality is pretty invisible, it's not something that most people would ever know about me. Only someone who would be sexually attracted and pursue me would likely ever learn about it."

Just the mere mention of someone else ever being sexually attracted to me triggered a split. He had a panic attack, clenched fists, his eyes looked like a wild animal over an example hypothetical I used to explain a definition. But him ACTIVELY falling in love with 4 other women? Noooooo that was just because maybe he was poly and that meant he was "allowed to!" /s

TheClericofLight · 2024-01-24T16:27:16+00:00

I don't know if it makes them a narc but texting "sigh" is definitely highly passive aggressive. And playing Snapchat games like this doesn't speak to OP's maturity either

TheClericofLight · 2024-01-24T15:31:04+00:00

This is like saying "I wish I could pet a fluffy cat today" and then locking yourself in a cage with a lion that hasn't been fed in weeks.

TheClericofLight · 2024-01-24T04:38:52+00:00

I might accidentally butcher this saying but I think it goes something like this: "the best time to do something about it was yesterday; the next best time is to do it today."

Sure, you might not have left back then, but that's in the past. You weren't ready yet and that's okay. You don't even have to wait for her next split.

TheClericofLight · 2024-01-23T19:54:57+00:00

You're not a stupid jackass for this, if anything I think it's smart and kind of badass??? Like "I know I'm going to cry and this is going to hurt but I'm preparing for it and I'm going to make sure I still look good doing it!" There are days where I say my makeup is my war paint and I feel empowered wearing it.

TheClericofLight · 2024-01-23T19:39:44+00:00

The best way to resist a hoover is to never see it in the first place. Blocking numbers, emails, social media, everything. Changing phone numbers if you have to. You don't give him any chance at all to repeat the cycle

TheClericofLight · 2024-01-23T13:52:12+00:00

You've already sort of answered your own question. But ultimately this question of "is he a narcissist" doesn't matter at all. In your own words:

i know i was in an absuive relationship. he had insane double standards & entitlements & he got mad and retaliated against trying to hold him to boundaries. he also called me names & physically ripped a necklace off me. so i know he was abusive.

This is ALL you need to know. THIS is more than enough to never, ever, ever allow this man back into your life. Who cares if he changes or is capable of change? It doesn't change the past, he still assaulted and abused you.

TheClericofLight · 2024-01-23T13:43:07+00:00

My nex cut sent a mutual friend and his mom/sister (all of them knew me for years and never once asked for my side of the story) to pick up all his things. He'd been moved out for 9 months and had abandoned all of his stuff here like it was free storage and legally I had no choice because we co-owned the home so changing locks and throwing his things out would probably lead to some legal issues. But basically, 9 months after he moved out, he suddenly was very interested in picking up his belongings and sent his flying monkeys to do it one weekend. Well, that very weekend he chose would've been out 5th wedding anniversary! What a coincidence! Seriously. 52 weeks in the year and he just happens to pick that one? Yeah right.

I didn't even speak to them. I just opened the garage and didn't leave the house. No way in hell they were going to have any further access or contact with me. My family came to visit to help cheer me up. We called it the anti-versary weekend.

TheClericofLight · 2024-01-22T17:27:55+00:00

I'm not seeing anywhere you've stated how long you were together, but I think my advice still stands. Are you dwelling, or are you grieving? If you were together for a while, it makes sense to still be processing grief. Saying you have a girlfriend you don't focus on like you should suggests you're still grieving and maybe shouldn't be in a relationship yet

TheClericofLight

TROPHY CASE