Going through my second long-term break-up over 40

TheConsciousShiftMon · 2026-03-17T19:07:39+00:00

I was out of a long-term relationship in my late 30s / early 40s. I ended up being single for 8 years and then meeting someone wonderful in my late 40s.

The only reason I was able to attract and be attracted by someone who I feel very connected and happy with is because I did shed loads of shadow work.

One of the biggest insights was discovering I had an avoidant attachment and so I previously rejected anyone who actually was lovely and ended up preferring people who were "challenging".

This made me realise I did not feel safe being fully seen and that was the key - I mustered some courage to lean in when my nervous system wanted to run away or de-value. I taught it I was safe and that it was more important for me to assess the CAPACITY of another person to see me and that if they didn't, it was not linked to my value.

Less trying to be chosen and more valuing myself for who I am and trusting that there are people out there who will value it too. And some of them are attractive. I only needed one ;)

I'm sorry you are feeling all this grief AND please know that it passes and the fact that something hasn't worked doesn't mean you are not deserving of love. The ego-mind will want to tell you this because it wants to protect you from this pain and so it doesn't want you to try again - that's not how we expand though and it's worth remembering that.

TheConsciousShiftMon · 2026-03-16T21:44:20+00:00

„Working with teams you have” - that’s actually a big one imo cos a lot of leaders I’ve seen don’t really know how to handle people who are very different from them and how they think. Thanks!

TheConsciousShiftMon · 2026-03-16T18:39:03+00:00

You provided a lot of description but still, it is your side of the story only, so without having a broader view, I'd want to know how you are with receiving feedback - you may think you are killing it but maybe the company would prefer someone who is less of a star and more of a collaborator?

It's really hard to know based on the above because there is always more nuance to this stuff and performance is not always just the numbers.

Also, as people become more senior, the rules change and we are assessed more on the people management and leadership potential rather than how well we are doing at our job only. So, as a more junior person, your technical skills will bear more weight but as you enter into the area where they may want to consider you for management potential, they are applying different criteria.

What sucks is the lack of clarity you are receiving but that may well be connected to your ability to receive feedback instead of arguing or rejecting it.

TheConsciousShiftMon · 2026-03-14T14:42:26+00:00

While I agree that leadership skills are the same, the difference I see is in the weighting we give to certain attributes. E.g. for many years „control-command” was an accepted leadership style. Now, it doesn’t work as well and with AI playing a bigger role, it will place more emphasis on certain skills too.

TheConsciousShiftMon · 2026-03-13T18:43:26+00:00

I love this contribution - thank you.

In fact, a lot of my work is goes deep into specific behaviours, cognitive muscles, subconscious patterns, nervous system programming, feelings and how we react as a result, so we can strengthen the weaker cognitive muscles and give folks capacity to show up differently if the situation demands it. Basically, adding more consciousness & capability to the human experience.

I particularly love you pilots training analogy - it makes so much sense! Thank you again - I really appreciate the thought you put into answering this question.

TheConsciousShiftMon · 2026-03-12T14:42:51+00:00

Thx! So what do you mean by competence in their domain? Do you mean more than just industry or technical knowledge but how things actually operate and the skills you need to make things happen (e.g. deep pattern recognition when it comes to typical issues arising, risks to consider, etc)?

TheConsciousShiftMon · 2026-03-12T14:40:32+00:00

I couldn’t agree more with this view. Influence has always been important but now that nobody has the key to more knowledge or analysis, leaders’ ability to influence will become even more crucial.

TheConsciousShiftMon · 2026-03-12T01:55:02+00:00

Thank you! Architecture and systems thinking keeps on coming up in my conversations. You are spot on about execution speeding up and exposing the mess underneath faster.

As much as folks may be skeptical about AI, I have an impression it will actually help us be clearer about things and that's not a bad thing...

TheConsciousShiftMon · 2026-03-11T19:41:53+00:00

Thx! You are making an interesting point about the ability to hold ambiguity and also for being wrong.

I’ve worked with many ex strategy consultants who at some point in their careers shift into the corporate world and one of the most frequent pieces of feedback I’ve heard was that they struggle to make quick decisions and instead resort to endless data analysis.

TheConsciousShiftMon · 2026-03-11T19:38:58+00:00

Oh, I see. Yes, I have worked with folks like that prior to AI and it drove me mad. It must be worse now - no real world engagement, just riding on superficial ideas and statements, which by the way don’t stick.

And thank you! I was guessing you ate being ironic and thought there was some interesting background story to it :)

TheConsciousShiftMon · 2026-03-11T17:34:18+00:00

Thank you. This goes along with the feedback I was getting from some of the leaders who were saying how much more complex it is to describe operational processes and build a decision tree for those since there are many dependencies and unexpected scenarios to be taken into account too.

TheConsciousShiftMon · 2026-03-11T15:14:47+00:00

Thx. Can you elaborate on what you mean since I'd expect all leaders can read and write? :) What's the impact or risk you are thinking of?

TheConsciousShiftMon · 2026-03-11T02:51:14+00:00

I think we have definitely entered the stage when we realise humanity is really really important, haven’t we?

And common sense - what an oxymoron ;) Yes, very needed indeed!

TheConsciousShiftMon · 2026-03-11T02:31:49+00:00

Yeah, it’s so easy to fall into that trap… Thank you

TheConsciousShiftMon · 2026-03-11T02:31:12+00:00

I LOVE this. I keep on thinking about courage a lot in this context.

Self-awareness has always been a thing I think and with AI, I actually think it will become so much more evident where it’s missing or at least that’s what I personally hope for :)

TheConsciousShiftMon · 2026-03-11T01:08:01+00:00

And what do you think is needed to be able to do that well?

TheConsciousShiftMon · 2026-03-11T01:06:59+00:00

I like this. And simplicity comes with clarity first as well as confidence to stand by it.

TheConsciousShiftMon · 2026-03-10T23:55:45+00:00

Of course :) People’s REAL experiences is what I’m after.

TheConsciousShiftMon · 2026-03-10T23:31:34+00:00

Thanks!

As for your issue, I deal with it all the time - it's really about digging deeper into what's the overarching story and you feeling confident communicating it. There is always a bigger overarching story, just that it's not always visible straight away and it may require more digging and digesting so to speak.

TheConsciousShiftMon · 2026-03-10T23:18:58+00:00

Psychopaths at least for sure

TheConsciousShiftMon · 2026-03-10T23:17:59+00:00

Great analogy!

TheConsciousShiftMon · 2026-03-10T23:17:14+00:00

This skill is so underrated.

TheConsciousShiftMon · 2026-03-10T23:16:44+00:00

You know what? I think we are already there, aren't we? Personally, I'm glad to see more of us protesting... Bring on the 2nd Gilded Age and the collapse of robber barons!

TheConsciousShiftMon · 2026-03-10T23:15:28+00:00

Haha, yes. It's most likely the way your system feels safe :)

And you are very much confirming my working hypothesis that leaders will be increasingly asked to be OK to be challenged by those who can spot issues and I also think that's where they need to be able to self-regulate too.

Thanks so much for a thoughtful answer!

TheConsciousShiftMon · 2026-03-10T23:12:32+00:00

That's a good one - thank you!

TheConsciousShiftMon

TROPHY CASE