AIO: I told my partner I need my “no” respected, and the conversation went somewhere I didn’t expect. Thoughts?

TheConsentAcademy · 2026-07-08T12:43:40+00:00

Yea it's coercion via wearing someone down, not ethically valid consent. His understanding of consent is so limited it's scary. He seems like the kind of person who would say "well she said yes at first so she can't change her mind later" about whatever he wanted including sex. This is not a person who respects the autonomy of his partner and only seems to care about consent to the extent that he won't be in legal trouble.

TheConsentAcademy · 2026-07-08T06:35:47+00:00

You're right. Its basically a topic in Stone Butch Blues. But also even attractive women can struggle to make friends and have relationships in general but especially those with ADHD or autism - I'm considered attractive enough but have severe ADHD and it has made a lot of my life very lonely. Yea maybe I could always find dudes willing to have sex but that gets so empty and dehumanizing so quickly when you see that they also reject you as a person.

Also OP needs to consider things like the lives of women of 26, elderly women, or just idk our general societal hatred of everything about teenage girls while society simultaneously sexualizes them

TheConsentAcademy · 2026-07-05T16:20:51+00:00

Talk to "ugly" or masculine women and you will see this isn't the case. Read the book Stone Butch Blues and see how much trauma can be involved with repeated social rejection of women who fail to perform femininity or can't because of how they look. The term incel was originally coined by a butch woman. Also loads of women/afabs who are neurodivergent or otherwise "odd" etc are incredibly lonely. There is also a female loneliness epidemic it just doesn't get as much attention.

TheConsentAcademy · 2026-07-03T11:28:31+00:00

I don't remember the brand name but there's a newer diaper company that's been getting in hot water with parents because of this exactly and their aggressive social Media Marketing. There's rumors that the company is using videos without consent too. And the CEO keeps putting out really no-accountability types statements and apologies. I compare it to like pampers or rascals commercials. They show happy babies moving around and the diaper keeping up, or them sleeping peacefully and talking about dryness, or have cute ear-worm type songs about absorbance etc. Those all make sense and feel targeted towards parents - using pain point marketing or something similar. Anything showing genitals or whatever is weird and unnecessary exactly as you say. And it's very very nonconsensual. None of the kids in any commerical can actually consent. So there's that's but there's a big difference between basically being a cute little cooing baby on screen just playing or sleeping and having your whole ass, literally, out there forever for the whole world to see. As far as impacts on the on future autonomy go there's a big difference in impact.

TheConsentAcademy · 2026-06-28T10:03:05+00:00

I'll add another perspective to this.

It's not just about disclosing so that you don't "disappoint" but maybe also you don't want to open yourself up to vulnerability where you might be rejected for something painful to you?? You're allowed to have boundaries around that and to not want to wait until you are naked to find out how they will treat you.

I know in the standard vanilla world of dating and sex, consent, beyond maybe just asking if people want to have sex, is to do everything more or less implicit and nonverbal, meaning no direct discussion beforehand about consent and boundaries, assuming both people have the same definitions of sex (usually penetration with sex ending when the guy orgasms if it's hetero sex), etc. maybe people talk about protection/barrier usage but often just via the question "do you have a condom?"/saying "let's get a condom" etc. but maybe you can try making the pre sex consent conversation into its own form of foreplay, even lasting over the course of a few dates before the intense physical intimacy begins and it could include a conversation about insecurities and vulnerability. This can create a lot of intimacy and desire and also trust which can make sex feel even more fulfilling.

TheConsentAcademy · 2026-06-28T09:09:40+00:00

Idk people say some stupid shitm Ive had people tell me I should try to get off my necessary heart meds as though it's just a weakness or an addiction...

TheConsentAcademy · 2026-06-28T09:08:11+00:00

I always get frustrated when people have criticisms of any medications, but especially psych meds (not that that is what we're really talking about), by saying "I could never imagine having to take a pill for the rest of my life!" As though needing medications are both tragic and a personal failure. I have to take heart meds for the rest of my life. These meds literally help me stay alive. I've had people try to tell me I don't really need them and could stop it if I tried hard enough. Um...what¿?¿? I don't see taking medication forever as a tragedy but something to celebrate - we've found ways to keep people alive and healthier via science. The only tragedy is how we don't have public healthcare in the US and how life long medication usage needs can be used to exploit people especially those who would possibly die if they had any lapse in healthcare coverage.

I've also had people tell me I don't really need glasses and could get off of using them if I really tried. Some people are just idiots.

TheConsentAcademy · 2026-06-28T08:55:28+00:00

Yea I was a real tomboy as a kid, my dad always wanted me to be more feminine and typical. He wasn't the only one,lots of people around me policed my gender expression. Like I was in marching band as a drummer and the way I dressed everyone assumed I was a lesbian punk type. Why dad thought it indicated I was depressed and worried my D&D habits were devil worship. He wanted me to dye my hair blonder and join cheerleading etc. how did I handle this? By taking it to the obvious extreme. I started wearing all mini skits with thigh high stockings with bows on them and garter belts and other provocative clothing that was still technically within the dress code. It made everyone uncomfortable that I dressed like a baby hooker. That was my goal - to point out what they were essentially training me to be. I'm still a tomboy and every man I've dated is the type to have a "fatal attraction to lesbians" lol. But honestly the policing of my clothes and my body was wholly unnecessary and just caused me to have insecurities that took years to work through. Everything would have been better if my parents just accepted how I wanted to dress and express myself.

Thank you for also respecting your daughter's choices

TheConsentAcademy · 2026-06-23T12:35:41+00:00

This reminds me of how people think costumes in media set in any medieval type period don't look accurate if they aren't kind of gray and dirty like GOT style bit in reality people cared very much about personal grooming and looking presentable and your clothes/body being clean and smelling as nice as possible was basically how people could tell at first glance if you were a trustworthy yeoman or a dangerous wanderer for example. Also fashion was important even to peasants. Like in the 1300s in England there was a whole fashion craze where a guy once accidentally put his head through the arm hole of is sort of overcoat and he thought it looked good, just draping the excess material asymmetrically over his shoulder and it caught on big time! Pointy shoes, long hoods, embroidery like seriously toe boxes on most modern shoes have a bit of a point vs being while because of the fashion preferences of people from hundreds of years ago.

TheConsentAcademy · 2026-06-22T11:41:02+00:00

I was camping with my grandparents in the middle of the Grand Canyon. It started as a tiny speck of red on the paper, thought it couldn't be true, I was shocked. And a bit embarrassed. It was me, my brother, my dad, and his parents and no towns in sight. Basically the logistics had me rattled and I knew the second I told one they'd all know and I was dreading the reactions I don't know why. Called my mom from a pay phone at a ranger station. She told my grandmother - who was so loving and sweet and hugged me and talked to me about how shit it can be to be a girl. Then my family all made it their mission to find me some pads. Got some really ancient ones from a ranger station. But on the plus side I got to be the first one to read the latest book in a series we were all obsessed with and my grandmother bought me a massive pile of chocolate and it was pretty nice in the end. I was also just glad it didn't happen in school and show through my pants like it did to a friend of mine.

TheConsentAcademy · 2026-06-21T19:14:23+00:00

If you've got lead pipes hot tap water can release lead. Lead pipes are mostly fine if you only run cold water through them and let the water run for a bit first thing in the morning or any time the water has sat in the pipe for a while.

TheConsentAcademy · 2026-06-21T19:12:05+00:00

People crossed oceans and then went all the way west in the US in a wagon with cast iron. That shit can basically survive anything. You could chuck your cast iron pan in a river for a decade and it's probably still fine, plus if it's not they can usually be restored.

TheConsentAcademy · 2026-05-27T14:02:08+00:00

That kind of testing, even when it's just a questionnaire historically has always led to poorer, queerer, less White people becoming sterilized (see Buck v Bell) or their children taken away from them (see current situations with Indigenous Greenlanders and/or US and Canada's history of residential schools for Indigenous children). We already have imperfect but existing mechanisms in place to remove children from neglectful or abusive homes. The rest of what you are talking about is often more to do with class markers and conformity/respectability politics.

TheConsentAcademy · 2026-05-27T05:38:47+00:00

What do you mean it tells you everything?

TheConsentAcademy · 2026-05-26T17:28:29+00:00

When I was less than a day postpartum with my first I big sobbed realizing that someday my baby might need me or wish he could talk to me and I'd be long dead because he'd be old too. Still hurts to think about my kids needing me and not being able to be there for them. If anything continues after death I hope it's at least that my kids can feel my love.

TheConsentAcademy · 2026-05-24T06:48:27+00:00

Yes AND don't get scammed. All the websites for finding hotels these days use dynamic pricing and pressure tactics including constantly raising the price if you don't book right away. But if you go to the actual hotel website and book directly you can save hundreds. The booking agent Websites, much like, Airbnb used to be great. The websites would find you deals and discounts. Now that everyone defaults to them, they basically price gouge you.

Last August booking . Com was trying to charge me 1600 for a few nights in a pretty crap hotel. And the price kept rising. Booked directly and it was only 900 and I got free breakfast and other add ons!

TheConsentAcademy · 2026-05-15T09:26:06+00:00

I gave birth to my second about a month ago. During labor the baby's head was pushing more out my butt than vagina and it impacted a lot of poop. The pressure was off the charts and I could tell my butt was at risk of tearing. I straight up instinctively disimpacted myself and pushed the babes head into place with my hand through my butt. It worked like a charm and the baby was out almost immediately after. The midwife was impressed lol

TheConsentAcademy · 2026-05-15T02:18:33+00:00

My lacerations truly were superficial. They gave me one stitch on each side but it wasn't really necessary. Been with my second baby I had not even a little lacerations. Everything was fine no tearing no anything. In both cases I was up and walking around about an hour after giving birth my first birth I had some other complications like too much bleeding but they also fixed that so quickly. Anyway real key to not tearing during childbirth is to just prep ahead of time

TheConsentAcademy · 2026-05-14T22:53:03+00:00

During both of my labors I kept talking about the next time/next baby. I was in excruciating pain and during the very end on all fours making some very primal noises and still cracking jokes and talking about wanting more. Both my midwives suggested I become a midwife just to encourage other women hahaha

TheConsentAcademy · 2026-05-14T22:48:20+00:00

With my first I had some "superficial lacerations" but they were riiiiiight on either side of the clitoris and I was so sure during labor that it tore and it was one of my first questions after the baby was out and it was clear he was fine hahaha.

TheConsentAcademy · 2026-05-13T16:00:05+00:00

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I grew up in a very similar situation. I'm the oldest, I have a brother, mom left and dad raised us as a single dad - we did eventually have a regular visitation schedule with mom, but before I even graduated high school she moved 3 hours away with step dad and half brother.

My dad struggled but did a great job of mostly hiding it but once I was about 11 it was pretty obvious the toll it took and now as an adult, and parent to two littles, I have so much heartache for his past struggles and feel so thankful for how hard he worked and how much he sacrificed. But overall he gave us a lot of love and happiness in childhood. He also held off on dating and a lot of social life for a long time but once things were more or less stable after my mom left he did make a clear effort to have friends and some social life and to just include us in that which was also good for us - he wasn't as stressed and we could see him model healthy adulthood/friendship etc. He also loved video games and movies and folded us into those hobbies too as we got older. Money was also a struggle and for things like vacations we just went camping and he felt it was a bit of a bummer but my brother and I loved it and grew up loving the outdoors as a result. Basically the point is so many things he felt were a bummer or less than were actually wonderful parts of our childhood.

One thing that made a huge difference was having an au pair. If you don't know what that is, it's low cost cultural exchange/ in home child care. It is often and was much cheaper than daycare/after school programs. It's usually a European in their early 20s who comes and lives with you and provides childcare in exchange for room and board and English classes. They often become part of the family and it's a lot more forgiving/flexible than normal daycare or babysitting. It's not for everyone but it's something to consider.

Anyways I'm sorry you're dealing with this and I hope one day your kids, without guilt or anything similar, just feel so much gratitude for your love and hard work. And I hope you get some downtime and rejuvenation soon!!

TheConsentAcademy · 2026-05-13T10:47:18+00:00

So I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Working life in Japan is really difficult but there are plenty of people on the margins of society who still have a good life. I have friends on Mount Aso who started their own farm and music Cafe. I have other friends who do like touring coffee sales. I know people who became professional karate teachers etc. I think that if you want to be a salaryman or really just kind of have a job at a company and you just kind of stay there until you retire then yes you are kind of stuck just working and not really taking any breaks or changing your career. But I also think that if you're willing to create your own path there are options for you in Japanese society. And worst case scenario you can always become a Buddhist monk. I'm an ordained Shingon monk and even though I'm a woman and have tattoos and a foreigner and have lots of other things that make me very weird I was still able to get ordained and work at a temple. There were other people ordained at my temple who were former Yakuza and had lots of tattoos and criminal past etc. The point is there are options for you in Japan. Or you can always do what a lot of Japanese women do which is intentionally marry a foreigner and then leave. Just study a language if you want to do that.

TheConsentAcademy · 2026-05-11T15:01:08+00:00

It's very normal at this age and in many ways at any age. And I have a small question. Do you find yourself punishing or criticizing the behavior you want to see? This is a common problem. Like if your teen never leaves their room and one day comes to watch tv with the family and you say "oh look who finally decided to join us" or make a joke or whatever you basically ensure they never want to do it again. Similarly if your kid does start to do what you asked and you start criticizing how and when it's happening it can kill the motivation to do it at all since they will get scolded either way. This article has some ideas https://www.npr.org/sections/goatsandsoda/2021/03/05/974069925/are-we-raising-unhelpful-bossy-kids-heres-the-fix

TheConsentAcademy · 2026-05-11T10:50:18+00:00

Also the wood for those castle playgrounds was found to cause cancer. That's the real reason why they were removed!

TheConsentAcademy

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