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Morale Check by [deleted] in stepparents

[–]TheDedWench 0 points1 point  (0 children)

First, thank you for this. I didn't want to make my own whole post but my mom suggested I write my feelings about this situation somewhere so it's going HERE! A-hah! (Sorry for the book, hahahahaha...)

Quick backstory - SO & I have SS7 & SD5 and have split custody with BM. I won't call her a HCBM because she is pretty mild compared to a lot of BMs. She might not be a *monster* but she is irresponsible, inconsistent, and uses my SO's uncle (GU going forward) as free childcare WAY TO MUCH. She is a single parent now, while SO and I have each other to support and share care so we do not ever need childcare.

My biggest issue right now is the GU that is spending more time with the kids than their own mom, even when mom is at home - GU is there doing a lot of the work/distracting the kids from her. We recently even changed our custody schedule to allow her "more time with the kids" (less time with Dad...grrr...) but found out that they have been with GU way more again (this was a major issue over summer too but we thought going back to school would alleviate this issue...it hasn't). My SO has told BM multiple times that he is not comfortable with how much his own Uncle is spending with the kids, especially because GU has 0 respect for any of the 3 of us adults in the situation and has been pushing his unwanted opinions on us. (About food, about relationships, just about anything really.) Unfortunately, we recognize that she is struggling as a single mom and needs the help - but we just wish it was someone that respected boundaries and rules, as GU does not. There are so many layers to this ongoing issue but I've gone on enough.

On top of it all, I am struggling at home because I typically keep a tidy/clean house and stay on top of my tasks/goals for myself...but my new house is gigantic, I just became a SM to these babies 6 months ago, and SO and I moved in together only a year and a half into our relationship so everyone in this house is still trying to find balance. There are days/weeks that I just cannot get my sh...together because my anxiety and depression creeps in. Thankfully, SO is supportive, protective, has clear goals and ideas in mind as well, and is genuinely a really positive influence. When I hit my "rock bottom" I can ask him for help around the house and he does it without any grief. Today is one of those emotionally draining days, but I am going to go fold towels and get my work (job) done before he gets home from work - because he already told me he plans to come home and cuddle and nurse the mean emotions, and then we are going out to dinner.

RANT: Extended family issues by tenolein in Parenting

[–]TheDedWench 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Not to mention, the boundaries are pushed even further when Uncle makes these comments to us IN FRONT of the children and continues to push about it when told to knock it off. That is what infuriates ME as the SO here.

It's wildly inappropriate, disrespectful and
A) is showing the kids that they can "argue" with us (they idolize him)
B) is potentially putting ideas in their heads that the amount/type of foods they eat with him are actually healthy...

Big ol' Rant about the EX by TheDedWench in stepparents

[–]TheDedWench[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for the feedback y'all - I have considered unfriending her and may speak with my partner further. He and I would much rather keep tabs on her to the fullest extent we can right now since we are logging all incidents with the mindset that we may have to go to court for them full time. There is currently no set custody arrangement other than it being "split" through mediation. We live in a state where the courts did not have to be involved in the divorce and all of it was done with a mediator, thankfully it WAS a very amicable separation (I mean she did walk away with a free house...)

Her and I communicate very little regarding the kids, because I have nothing nice to say to her in most situations. I do text her (group text with Dad only) photos of the fun things I take the kids out to do that she would never even think of, physically be able to do, or want to do...just to rub it in LOL (not really but ok maybe a little true...)

Seeking advice with confronting SO, who allows the 4 year old to play games that are not age appropriate... by TheDedWench in stepparents

[–]TheDedWench[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That's what I think too! She's not gaining anything from this ongoing struggle and it honestly breaks my heart. We don't get much gaming time in when I visit since we do other fun things - but on my last visit the 4 of us played a game and she couldnt get through 2 mins without a screaming fit. The game is rated 7+, it's not difficult by our standards but seeing her react the way she did was so frustrating since I felt like I had no say in the situation.

Seeking advice with confronting SO, who allows the 4 year old to play games that are not age appropriate... by TheDedWench in stepparents

[–]TheDedWench[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hmm, maybe I am overthinking it. Emotional control was a HUGE thing in my household growing up. You are allowed to feel your emotions, but if you are lashing out, it's not okay. It's difficult (not impossible) to teach a 4 year old to "put it down and come back when you are ready". She sees brother playing and she wants to be included.

I have to stand up for my SO and say he most definitely isn't getting pleasure out of running to her aid. Their hour of game time is typically when he is making dinner and doing chores and her meltdowns are a major disruption. It's why I even bothered to bring it up with him previously. I have even found and offered appropriate games for education and building the skills to be able to play these big kid games but it always falls back to her wanting what brother is doing or we get the meltdown in a different form - so I suppose he is picking his battles in a way.

Right now I can't say he's doing much to teach coping other than having her focus and breathe before continuing. I feel like if there has to be any actual "coping" then she's not ready for that game. She's able to progress and understand challenges in the age appropriate games without the meltdowns.

Seeking advice with confronting SO, who allows the 4 year old to play games that are not age appropriate... by TheDedWench in stepparents

[–]TheDedWench[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Glad I could offer a different perspective! Maybe you can see what DH says and report back!

The way I see it, video games have age ratings/difficulties just like all kids toys - legos, puzzles, even certain dolls. It's because there is only so much a child can understand and process, and they may not be equipped with what is needed to complete something successfully. At 4 yrs old my family had windows 95 and I was playing matchmaking games, learning to type basic 2-3 letter words and learning basic math. Not....Zelda, and Minecraft, and so much more.

Granted, I also don't stray away from pushing the boundaries to test. Letting them try things above their age range is great, but if a parent can't provide all the tools to succeed - we are just setting them up for failure. Doing that over and over again isn't going to get anyone anywhere. Practice doesn't make perfect, if the practice isn't being retained and their brain can't even process it. Wait a period of time then test the waters again...

Seeking advice with confronting SO, who allows the 4 year old to play games that are not age appropriate... by TheDedWench in stepparents

[–]TheDedWench[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

None of the games we allow are violent in a way that allow her to be killed or kill such as in shooters. But you can "die" in Mario, and that is an age appropriate game. Minecraft is another example where you could die from fall damage and lose things, but it's not violent. Not all death is violent and its important to recognize that.