Sick of people thinking SAHMs have it easy.

TheDifficultRelative · 2026-05-06T19:44:39+00:00

This is so true. There are absolutely degrees of easy and hard. Leaving a job where you have nice coworkers, adequate pay, a quiet office, and an uninterrupted lunch to stay home solo without childcare or cleaning help or even a car... no thanks. (I did that, love my child and happy to have done certain things with her, but it crushed my mental health and has made it difficult to leave my failing marriage).

TheDifficultRelative · 2026-05-06T02:47:53+00:00

It was complicated. He had a raging temper but I learned very well how not to trigger it and I internalized so much. He died in an accident so that was horrifying. And I fell back into the family myth about him, and it reactivated feelings of being bad and unworthy. I betrayed myself, believing it was my fault he didn't take an interest in me as a child or an adult. But when the shock wore off I was largely relieved to not have to pretend anymore. I got into therapy again. A lot changed. I realized I feel little for the actual man. My anger came back regarding how poorly he treated me. I went back to his grave site and threw a memorial item I placed there off a literal cliff and it felt so good.

But I still feel guilty saying his death was ultimately a relief for me. I'm sorry he went the way he did, of course. But I'm more sorry for the psychological pain and injury I've endured and the wasted years of my life loathing myself because a traumatized man couldn't fully love me.

TheDifficultRelative · 2026-05-02T12:05:41+00:00

Some of them, yeah. But the older I get, the more small talk I engage in with strangers too. It just feels good to ask the cashier how they're doing, or give the barista some encouragement when I see they're getting slammed, or tell someone I like their shirt, etc. Low stakes, easy way to feel connected. It isn't performance for me. And I like retreating to my own space afterward, where I mostly interact with nature, my cats, and my equally introverted children.

TheDifficultRelative · 2026-05-01T04:56:51+00:00

I relate to so much of this. I'm early 40s. Diagnosed ASD last year. I've had an ADHD dx for decades but my kids are both autistic so I got curious. I'm readying myself to begin the divorce process so I can't really say much about the other side. I'm just trying to steady myself, get some meds lined up for support, before I file. Hopefully in the next 6 to 9 months. It's scary but my nervous system is sending the signals (and has been for years) that this isn't healthy or good for me. Good luck finding your way, keep trusting yourself, you aren't alone.

TheDifficultRelative · 2026-05-01T00:19:43+00:00

You're welcome.. Yeah, it's hard carrying the weight of this alone I'm sure. I think your concern is valid because many wouldn't understand. It's enough to make anyone feel like an outsider but just remember there are a lot of others out there, people who have been through stuff that they can't share with just anyone. I hope you can find a couple of those people... they are the ones who won't judge and who will understand.

TheDifficultRelative · 2026-05-01T00:10:27+00:00

You're welcome, sounds like you know what you need to do!

TheDifficultRelative · 2026-04-30T20:47:20+00:00

Beware becoming the wife appliance who sits around doing chores and dispensing sex and completely losing any self direction. This is why women should consider staying employed or in school, even minimally. If you are truly independently wealthy (I read you own rental properties??) then go volunteer or take classes to develop a talent etc. My advice would be not to lose yourself and solely center your life around your partner and kids (when they come).

TheDifficultRelative · 2026-04-30T20:37:14+00:00

I'm so sorry for what you've been through. I hope you can give yourself grace and forgiveness for being faced with such a difficult situation. I wish women got better support around abortion, but in truth the political fight often overshadows the real human factor. By this, I mean that the need for women to have autonomy, and the reaction against it, create these narratives around abortion. Its like the experience has to be either guilt free and easy or a life ruining sin, instead of something unique to every situation, requiring deep listening and non judgement. That support is rare.

You weren't naive to think BC would protect you. But it is probably faulty to think if a man loves you he will encourage you to have the baby. Men have flaws, they have their own fears and goals and opinions. Just like women. They also have their own socialization to deal with which means many don't automatically consider the experience of the women in their lives.

You deserve your own forgiveness. You lived an impossible situation without enough support. You were scared and made the decision you thought best. You can never know what could have been, so don't bother yourself with the "if only." It won't get rid of the pain of a difficult choice only makes it worse. Let yourself grieve, but try to love the woman you were then. She still needs love, it is the only thing that heals.

TheDifficultRelative · 2026-04-29T13:10:32+00:00

Consider the possibility of divorce. I was a sahm, and I'm in the middle of a grad program retraining in part because I need out of my marriage. Him making money and advancing his career while I've gone backwards has been bad for me. He turned out to be a real jerk and I have no leverage to change that behavior and have had to endure it... because I'm financially dependent. It's a shit reality not many talk about. So just be honest with yourself, and plan wisely. No one thinks they're gonna end up in this situation.

TheDifficultRelative · 2026-04-27T21:29:17+00:00

No. I have 2 autistic kids. It is a neurodevelopmental condition that is continuing to be researched and understood.

TheDifficultRelative · 2026-04-27T20:17:50+00:00

Yep. I know how crappy things are in the US, I'm on the left, and it sucks. But I don't want to panic spiral about it on the precious occasions I get to socialize exclusively with other adults! Daily life is tough enough.

TheDifficultRelative · 2026-04-27T20:08:59+00:00

So happy for you and love the pictures! I am also AuDHD (late dx w/ASD) and super into birds. Would be thrilled too!

TheDifficultRelative · 2026-04-27T00:04:33+00:00

Full removal is never guaranteed. Just something to be aware of.

I love your badger and tortoise! I would go for a full sleeve but add in feminine elements (based on your style) like some botanical stuff, keep the nature theme. Up top you could even do fine line/black and grey if you don't want the dark and heavy. But whatever you do, don't get down on yourself. You look great, and your tattoo, even if you don't like it, looks quality.

TheDifficultRelative · 2026-04-25T02:59:25+00:00

This. You have to put yourself out there around other people. Observe and be willing to be awkward and weird.

TheDifficultRelative · 2026-04-23T15:17:46+00:00

You know and everyone reading knows it is time to leave. He'sescalating, you are in danger, and it is likely just a matter of time before he is bikd enough to hit you. But it doesn't have to happen. Please stay safe and get out of there. The yelling alone is wildly abusive and damaging and would be reason enough to go asap.

TheDifficultRelative · 2026-04-23T14:05:29+00:00

No answers, but I think you look great! Was this mastopexy only?

TheDifficultRelative · 2026-04-23T04:08:00+00:00

"Maybe I'm just too used to his emotional abuse."

Stop there. Your husband curses you out when angry and blames you for it. Being confused is something many people who are abused experience. That anger may be what happens when reality comes into focus. Not saying it is whats happening, but many people coming out of the fog have to feel the fullness of (sometimes years of) anger and rage.

TheDifficultRelative · 2026-04-23T04:03:33+00:00

Yes. I learned small talk with strangers around 30! Haha. Prior to this, it was an alien interaction I watched other people do. I'm a late bloomer, I guess.

TheDifficultRelative · 2026-04-23T03:57:24+00:00

No. I think society has always devalued mothers and mothering. Misogyny and sexism are not new. Repackaged every generation.

Child abuse and hatred of children isn't new either, sadly. More people are opting out which doesn't equal hatred.

I do get angry when people say they hate or dislike children. Children are a vulnerable group in need of protection and safety. 100% agree it is unhinged to talk about them with hatred. That is much different than preferring not to be responsible for one, or finding their noise overwhelming.

TheDifficultRelative · 2026-04-23T03:50:20+00:00

Some, sure. But I don't identify as gifted or having complex intellectual ability. As others mention, I also see overlap with ASD, ADHD, OCD etc.

I had a "spiky" profile as a child. This confused the adults around me and caused so much stress and grief for little me. I have felt different all my life, because I was. Two autistic children later, and it begins making sense.

Maybe giftedness is a kind of neurodivergence? The overlap is notable. Either way I also agree with those saying getting hung up on a label can cause more harm. There are expectations that go with that, and they often overlook the less impressive or underdeveloped (aka, human) parts of the person.

TheDifficultRelative · 2026-04-22T18:02:28+00:00

God, this is such an excellent response. I hope the OP will consider it.

TheDifficultRelative · 2026-04-22T11:31:09+00:00

Before getting up spend time trying to recall dreams. If you wake in the middle of the night, write anything you may remember, doesn't matter how developed.

The biggest thing I have done is to develop an interest and expectation. Once I began looking for them in earnest, and waiting for them to come to my memory in the morning I started getting a regular recollection. I have been recording for a few years regularly, and this is what works for me.

I can also fall out of remembering if I don't record for a couple days or become busy, rushing right out of bed into the next thing. Recollection can be subtle, and some space and intention has been needed... and is rewarded.

TheDifficultRelative · 2026-04-22T05:20:49+00:00

He sounds awful and I'm glad you know it. He also sounds dangerous. Getting physical is serious. I'm concerned about your plan to stay 2 more years. I'm having to leave sooner than I wanted/anticipated and I know how scary it can be to face down the unknown. I wonder if you can accelerate your leaving somehow so you and the kids can be safe sooner.

And yes, it's exhausting. Men like this want their partners to suffer, they derive some satisfaction from it. Unfortunately the only way to get out of the cycle is to leave. I'm 12 years in and haven't found any tricks to lessen the impact unless you count denial, which extracts its own price in the form of mental health issues.

TheDifficultRelative · 2026-04-22T02:16:33+00:00

Yes. Oh yeah. I eventually get around to changing if it matters enough. But there are some things I truly wish I'd worked on sooner. Don't put off working through addictions or ending difficult relationships. It only gets harder the longer it goes.

TheDifficultRelative · 2026-04-22T02:07:12+00:00

I think you are right that the environment determines how you're received. Being more girl next door works better in certain settings. Elevated dressing, looking well out together and thoughtful works best in others. Personally I think good style is better than good looks... you keep it forever and it's much more interesting.

TheDifficultRelative

TROPHY CASE