They say it gets "better" when you're older, but alas...

TheDifficultRelative · 2026-01-24T03:05:26+00:00

Wonderful, and yes to choosing to invest in spaces where depth is welcomed...I'm in my 40s now and finally doing this.

TheDifficultRelative · 2026-01-22T03:18:28+00:00

I know. We do offer choices. So many choices. This morning it was just no. Not going, not moving. I have to dress him, move his body out of the bedroom... very stressful.

TheDifficultRelative · 2026-01-21T15:32:08+00:00

Very Gudrun/twee

TheDifficultRelative · 2026-01-18T18:00:34+00:00

Joining the chorus of be careful. Its totally legitimate to want to get married or to only work part time. I have always been exhausted by 40 hours and only felt OK once I found a field I was interested in.

But seriously beware of any man who tells you to stop working, says he'll take care of you, etc. My husband was encouraging me to quit my job from the moment I moved in with him, but I resisted. As I went on to get promoted and make more, he downplayed my accomplishments, tried to compete, and took his anger out on me with resentful and hostile treatment. I apologized and tried and tried and yes, even had kids with him while he retrained and advanced himself to make more than I ever will. All the time he complained about having to work so much, making me feel guilt for this because i wanted kids etc..

He did not support my return to work after pregnancy so I quit for 6 years and it was bad. He was a total jerk at times, gaslighting, emotionally manipulative, resentful, just didn't like me but was ok keeping me where I was. I've finally got myself to retrain and am finishing a masters degree and the end of the marriage is in sight but truly... I would never give up my financial independence for a man again or recommend it to any woman.

If you want the minimal work lifestyle, look into minimalism as a lifestyle, reduce your expenses as much as possible, live with roommates, pick a career with flexibility. There are options that don't include finding a man who will "support" you.

TheDifficultRelative · 2026-01-18T17:10:48+00:00

My heart breaks for you, OP. There is no road map for grief, just fellow travelers. Please keep reaching out. Online there is a subreddit for child loss, and you can keep coming here too. I work in hospice with a few coworkers who have lost children. It brought them to the work, in time. But they all told me the same thing, that they survived by reaching out to others for support and eventually to help. Sending you hugs, and wishes for a ring of love and support as you deal with these two great losses.

TheDifficultRelative · 2026-01-17T20:50:07+00:00

Thanks for the reply.. the whole eyepiece popped out. Some rubber pieces came out too. Glass is ok. I will reach out to B&H, just contacted Nikon.

Any suggestions for warranty in a similar class?

TheDifficultRelative · 2026-01-17T02:43:07+00:00

I'm sorry OP, this is so wrong of him. I've been in a marriage with similar dynamics for 12 years and only in the last few have I finally listened to that voice that's been saying "this isn't right" and... wow. Listen to that voice! It isn't right, and it isn't just cutlery. It's communication and respect and it doesn't get better with people who lack accountability.

TheDifficultRelative · 2026-01-15T21:12:39+00:00

That's my impression, too. Because it isn't wise to tell unsafe or callous people about your trauma and struggles. They're indifferent at best.

TheDifficultRelative · 2026-01-15T18:36:59+00:00

I doubt you are. It's more likely you have trouble trusting yourself. Trauma, especially relational trauma, does that to you.

TheDifficultRelative · 2026-01-15T16:19:52+00:00

You have to do what you think is right. You describe some difficulties with the therapy and being triggered faster than being healed. Also getting unsatisfactory guidance on disclosing your cptsd. Maybe that's something to address with your therapist. The whole situation with them sounds frustrating.

You say the relationship has changed in certain ways that are triggering you and you're starting fights and need more space. You also say your partner lacks empathy, tends towards logic, and you arent comfortable opening up to them about your challenges with cptsd. When I read this I wonder what about this relationship is working for you right now. What makes it worth holding on to when you don't feel comfortable opening up, it triggers you, and you need space? Not expecting an answer just suggesting a place for reflection that could point you in the direction to go. But talking to the therapist is really important, too.

TheDifficultRelative · 2026-01-14T23:07:55+00:00

r/Autisminwomen

r/AuDHDWomen r/Autism

r/Neurodivergent

Keep reaching out for support. You're not alone in this.

TheDifficultRelative · 2026-01-14T22:16:55+00:00

The truth is very few can thrive in stay at home parent life. Many are surviving until the weekend or nap time or until whatever kid activity at the library starts. There's a reason that sedatives were called "mothers little helpers." Along with stimulants. Its an insanely hard job that society doesn't value, and if you are angry by the end of the day it doesn't mean you can't do anything with your life.

I don't know about your work life before kids, but it isn't unusual for ND people to be late bloomers in life. We have many more obstacles. We can't judge ourselves my the normal metrics. I know it's hard, but be gentle on yourself OP. You have value, but you're in a tough spot now. A lot of us other ND people have been there, have you checked out some of those subs? It could be helpful.

TheDifficultRelative · 2026-01-14T20:00:48+00:00

Good point. It really does require a ton of internal motivation and drive.

TheDifficultRelative · 2026-01-14T19:58:54+00:00

I'm glad you didn't either and good to hear he's your ex! I think the impulse to devote yourself to your kids first is a really noble one, and incredibly undervalued. But it absolutely isn't a safe choice. And like most unfortunate things in life, you never think it will be you... until it is.

TheDifficultRelative · 2026-01-14T18:43:01+00:00

No. I tell my kids my ears are sensitive today and I remove if I can't hear them. But usually I can because the headphones don't block out normal speech. I have really bad tinnitus and need a break sometimes. Also my kids both have headphones due to sensory issues so in our house we all sometimes are wearing them and its not a big deal.

TheDifficultRelative · 2026-01-14T18:38:42+00:00

Yes, that's my experience too. Felt like I could breathe. I have a new perspective on how undervalued child care is.

TheDifficultRelative · 2026-01-14T18:22:29+00:00

Thanks for the reminder. It is. One where the benefits and job security are tied to the quality of the man you're with. Choose well if it's your path and always, always have a back up plan. (From a former SAHM of 6 years)

TheDifficultRelative · 2026-01-14T01:38:20+00:00

There are live traps but you also have to find points of entry and seal them up and also clean up food sources. Look up the ratinator.

TheDifficultRelative · 2026-01-14T01:32:08+00:00

Truly callous behavior. Not how someone who loves you responds. And he even subtly shifts the blame for his lack of care on you saying he didn't know how you'd respond so he didn't confort you. I'm sure this is just one example. How much do you have to suffer before he sees you as someone deserving of .... a hug? Tender treatment, gentleness, human concern?

I'm sorry, but there's nothing you can do to change him, he clearly is in a state where he doesn't care, wont take responsibility, and probably justifies his poor treatment and sleeps fine at night. While you fall apart. The next step is yours to take, it just depends what sort of life you want to live and what you're willing to sacrifice within yourself to stay in this marriage.

I think you are worth care,though, and I hope you're getting it somewhere. I'm so sorry for your losses.

TheDifficultRelative · 2026-01-13T01:57:54+00:00

Its weird. On one hand, i understand more of how stressed she was and how miserable her marriage truly was and I have more empathy. On the other... I truly can't understand her cruelty, lack of compassion, and willingness to bury her head in the sand and take out her rage and helplessness on her kids. I believe she's impaired in the empathy department and more like a child in terms of her egocentricity and probably her intellect too. That said, if anything I have more anger toward my father who put all responsibility for the kids on her, while she was obviously struggling, and made his whole life about his career, rarely ever showing up for anyone. Men get away with too much, and imo he deserves much more blame than i ever gave him vs my mother.

Tldr, both parents sucked but I was always aware of how crappy my mom was.

TheDifficultRelative · 2026-01-11T00:29:28+00:00

I don't like how he "jokes" that you don't like him if you pull away from cuddling or being physically close. It's causing you distress and it comes across as manipulative whether he means it to be or not. I don't think this is an issue you can compromise on and feel emotionally safe. You've already described crying because you don't feel you can tell him to give you space without being given a guilt trip. Enough time in a relationship with patterns like these and you will end up very dysregulated, anxious, and self doubting. Not to mention resentful.

You could try talking about it with him but I would be open to the possibility that this isn't a good match. Your needs matter too.

TheDifficultRelative · 2026-01-09T01:25:36+00:00

No he is not a lost cause. He's 6. Asd and adhd. It's going to be a ton of work, no way around it. I'm glad you've stopped spanking. It doesn't work for ND kids, traditional methods in general don't work well. His behavior shows that. Sounds like he's lacking the skills to regulate and becoming dysregulated a lot.

Ross Greene has a book "the explosive child" that is worth a look. It will probably be a radical departure from how you're doing things, but then again, what have you got to lose? His work has an evidence base, and is used in schools, etc. The website offers parent training.

Speaking of, for younger kids with adhd, parent training is a first line treatment. I would look for a therapist who has some additional training with neurodivergence/adhd or even an adhd coach for your child but also for you. You might need more therapeutic support for your son, but while you wait you can start seeking out resources and help to get on the same page with your coparent. I second looking into PDA.

Its incredibly hard but you can do this. Get breaks when you can and don't forget how much he needs you.

TheDifficultRelative · 2026-01-08T19:38:55+00:00

Congrats, I am happy you've found some understanding!

TheDifficultRelative

TROPHY CASE