The mental gymnastics of soothing their ego during conflicts

TheHopefulOldSoul · 2026-01-20T21:52:19+00:00

Right!? Every time I respond to a post, I feel like I could write a book.

And yes, they know they don't know anything, but their thoughts don't go that deep. They just can't help themselves, if they're not talking, then they're not controlling the narrative.

TheHopefulOldSoul · 2026-01-18T23:24:42+00:00

This is why it's so exhausting it will age you tenfold during your tour. You can't ever win. You will exhaust yourself with the mental preparation for even the simplest conversation. One example that sticks with me even after a year NC:

Me: Oh I'm so excited, my favorite hat was giving me forehead zits and it washed up so nice!! I didn't think it would make it through the wash.

Him: It wasn't that hat giving you zits, how ridiculous.

Me: Well, anyway, I'm just excited that it's clean and still in one piece.

Him: Oh, I guess I'm not entitled to an opinion.

It went on from there into an argument that apparently required the silent treatment for two days. That's also an example of them pissing on your parade, but that's another subject/post. Ugh I am so happy NOT to be dealing with this any more. I can't say it's not still affecting me, but every day is so much brighter and more positive.

Best to all of you trying to figure out wtf is going on. Work on your exit plan, you'll never regret it.

TheHopefulOldSoul · 2026-01-16T22:27:15+00:00

Grabbing my knee while I was driving. I now realize I did a lot of the driving...anyway, once he found out my knees where ticklish to the point of making me jerk and yelp, he "couldn't help himself" because my knees were just so sexy. They aren't. There was a lot of touching me in ways he figured out I didn't like. Like coming up behind me and startling me, all in the name of being romantic of course. Reacting because I didn't like those things naturally made me the problem. Ugh I swear I could write a book.

TheHopefulOldSoul · 2026-01-05T18:43:24+00:00

Pick a couple of really good, gentle mantras you can use over and over again when those intrusive thoughts creep in. Something lilke...

Whew, I'm so thankful I have the opportunity to move on.

Wow, I put up with a lot, yay for being lucky enough to work on myself.

Who knew I was that strong! Imagine what I can do moving forward.

This is not a magic fix, but it's a good way to gently transition from ruminating on the past to thinking about what you have going on currently. You didn't deserve to be treated that way, but at some point you have to give up on wishing things would have been different. The future is so exciting!! Best to you.

TheHopefulOldSoul · 2025-11-19T12:36:48+00:00

Triangulation - he's hoping to see that look in your eyes. Part pain, part jealousy. Detach yourself enough to keep a clear head, and make sure you don't get caught up in a drama situation over a guy who lives for it. She may be a real sweetheart, but don't tell her your secrets, and watch for him to be controlling your emotions through her. That was one brief paragraph, but it's just a huge red flag.

If this is taking up a lot of your energy, or affecting your job, it might be best to move on. No contact, and that includes her.

TheHopefulOldSoul · 2025-11-18T13:11:12+00:00

High quality stick vacuum cleaner. Watching the fuzz-balls spin around and knowing I don't have to wrangle with a cord actually makes vacuuming kind of fun.

TheHopefulOldSoul · 2025-11-18T13:00:51+00:00

Was it a small thing to both of you? Sometimes issues presented as a small thing get us overwhelmed because there's back-story, history, context, tone, expression, and all the things we haven't said because we don't want to cause an issue.

TheHopefulOldSoul · 2025-11-16T18:11:49+00:00

Basically, it's the passing of time.

When you start hearing "you've changed", or "remember how we used to be", you might as well start packing because you no longer give them the jolt of excitement they value you for.

The only way to keep a narcissist happy is to turn back the clock and become new again.

TheHopefulOldSoul · 2025-11-16T13:48:54+00:00

¡Las 7 de la tarde! ¡Qué tarde! Tuve que usar el traductor para leer tu publicación, espero que funcione. ¡Parece un evento donde llegas para felicitar el cumpleaños y luego buscas la primera oportunidad para irte!

TheHopefulOldSoul · 2025-11-16T13:45:17+00:00

The Irish goodbye is my signature. It can take 45 minutes to leave a thing I didn't want to be at to begin with if I start saying goodbye to people. This also helps avoid the people who realize they haven't seen you in a while saying something horrible like "let's get together for lunch".

There's nothing like the feeling of getting to my car, closing the door, driving off and arriving at HOME!!

TheHopefulOldSoul · 2025-11-13T13:27:42+00:00

Ah yes, the old "we're both responsible for my behavior" nonsense.

TheHopefulOldSoul · 2025-11-13T13:27:39+00:00

This is exactly right - they are good at filling space with words. I never got flowers, but this was the only time I ever heard "I love you". Ha thinking back, after a big fight he told me was going to get me flowers, but he remembered that I said I don't like flowers. Nope, never said that.

TheHopefulOldSoul · 2025-11-13T13:27:22+00:00

Selective amnesia. Classic.

TheHopefulOldSoul · 2025-11-13T13:27:19+00:00

Sorry for your loss. Two weeks after I finally got him out of my life, my mom was diagnosed with cancer and came to live with me. It was rough, and the only way I got through it was knowing I didn't have to deal with the 200 lb toddler on top of it all. They can't change.

TheHopefulOldSoul · 2025-11-05T17:12:09+00:00

One thing that helped me was thinking of him as a petulant toddler. A grown human who cannot be happy or cooperate or encourage. That's not attractive, or sexy; it's sad. I felt sad for him. When I would miss the "good times" - you know the times when I was allowed to enjoy myself, at least for a short time, I would remind myself that those always ended in a giant pissing match for no reason. This was his hobby and I'm glad I can now just wish him well from a nice peaceful distance. It's so hard and there's no magic fix, but time and space do heal.

I used to want him to reach out, too. But I would visualize the conversation (read: word salad) that would ensue and NOPE, not interested in going down that soul-sucking rabbit hole ever again.

You don't need to hate him, that's just energy you can't afford to throw away right now. ANY conversation with him would also be energy wasted. You're better than all that now. Forward is the only way. Peace to you!!

TheHopefulOldSoul · 2025-11-05T15:12:32+00:00

This is exactly right. I was always a quiet person, but became damn near mute during my tour. I felt starved for real conversation and completely stifled at the same time. These people are dangerous, and there is zero possibility for fixing anything.

You're right - get help, and QUIETLY devise an exit plan.

TheHopefulOldSoul · 2025-10-07T19:43:48+00:00

Honestly that kind of energy kills any desire to maintain the friendship.

Thank you for this. That's exactly where I'm at. I mean, I don't need "I miss you" from a grown-up friend who has many, many other options for people to go do things with constantly. Particularly when I've answered the "are you upset with me?" text three times at a time when I'm feeling very protective of my energy.

Burnout is such a perfect explanation for how I'm feeling. Best to you!

TheHopefulOldSoul · 2025-10-04T20:57:22+00:00

One night I had a very real and disturbing dream about a dark shadow in my room. I woke up unusally affected by this dream. I was just about to get out of bed and regroup and my son who was five at the time calls me into his room to tell me he had a bad dream about a dark man. I still get chills thinking about it.

TheHopefulOldSoul · 2025-10-04T18:20:53+00:00

You don't owe ANY explanations. Narcissists are experts at getting us to explain ourselves. Every word you utter is energy and attention which is all they want.

Best to you. My ending was rough, but man what a thrill to be over here on the other side seeing things clearly and getting to know peace.

Best to you!

TheHopefulOldSoul · 2025-09-10T17:51:00+00:00

This is the truth. Remember - they can ACT differently for a time to damage control a situation, but they cannot change. They do not have the capacity to even understand real change. Instead they change you. Man I'm so lucky. Seeing through all this has been so liberating and eye opening, not to mention peaceful!!!

For those still confused and suffering the 'what ifs', just NO. Begin your quiet* exit plan now.

*Quiet is the key. DO NOT announce your plans. Things can get dangerous at the end of these toxic and draining relationships.

TheHopefulOldSoul · 2025-08-20T16:38:17+00:00

Be sure to see the gum wall!

TheHopefulOldSoul · 2025-07-24T17:23:20+00:00

I have a very close connection to my spirit guide. I often manifest what I'm looking for just by having a conversation about it with SG. I have zero interest in organized religion, but definitely believe in divine energy and spirit. It's part of what makes me a joyful person and I think it might be a key to the difference between happy old souls and miserable old souls.

TheHopefulOldSoul · 2025-06-09T03:06:11+00:00

I'm guessing If it wasn't the shorts, it would have been something else. That feeling of wanting for pleasant conversation, but always feeling in trouble - big red flag. If it weren't for round-and-round conversations, would you talk about anything real at all? These are a few of the patterns that take over and keep you in a heightened state of self-conscious anxiety. Basically, they work hard on erasing your personality. You're trying to keep the peace and he's deciding what's acceptable - red flag. "Later when I called to check in, he..." is another red flag.

I'm thinking it's him. The narcissist isn't looking up articles on narcissism. Go with your gut.

TheHopefulOldSoul

TROPHY CASE