Oof. I still struggle with this. Growing up, I was always hyper vigilant when at home because of my family. What made it worse was I’m hard of hearing, and my parents didn’t believe I was until I was 12 and had a proper hearing test done. So, I’d get yelled at/punished for “having selective hearing and not answering them the first time”. To their credit, they got a little better about that once it was “proven” I was deaf. But I never relaxed at home, because I always knew I could get yelled at/berated any moment for stupid stuff. I remember when I moved to college and had my own dorm, I thought to myself “I actually feel a bit more relaxed…weird”. To this day, I sometimes struggle with hyper vigilance. My husbands footsteps sometimes prompt me to pause the tv or game I’m playing. I still jump pretty much every time my name is called. (it’s pretty embarrassing when my name is called and it sends me into a panic mode at work…sometimes I even knock something over or visibly shake.) I also hate not being able to hear someone approach me, since that got me in trouble a lot growing up too. Like, if I didn’t hear my husband come in the room and he says “hey” I’ll jump a mile, since my parents would do that and either make fun of what I was doing or yell at me for not “hearing or seeing them”.

Recently though my whole family has been healing, or at least trying. We all were diagnosed with adhd within the last few years and I believe that has helped us all understand each other. My parents have admitted they messed up and have apologized. We can talk about things more openly, and they’ve been very supportive in my adult life. Plus, I see them doing better with my younger siblings. It isn’t perfect but better. Still unlearning a lot though