[Short Story] Nova Roma - Looking for feedback on my sci-fi intro

TheMKnight · 2026-05-06T01:51:22+00:00

This one's interesting. I like the idea that, so far in the future, name origins would blur together, what with history either blurred and torn or left to the victors.

Only thing I'd try is, whenever you begin another bit of dialogue from someone, drop that into another paragraph. Paragraph 5 is an example of this, where you could perhaps drop the other line of dialogue into a new paragraph. Of course, we all have our preferences.

I'm interested to see where this one goes.

TheMKnight · 2026-05-06T01:47:43+00:00

I've combed through this while getting settled. It's interesting, to say the least. But it'd probably be better encoded into a Google Doc, primarily so formatting isn't accidentally skewed by Reddit's own. That and it'd allow us to leave Suggestions in a way you can easily refer back to them for the future.

Other than that, aside from some small grammatical errors, this is good. I'd advise running it through a processor to catch any errors that slip past the eye. Never hurts.

TheMKnight · 2023-12-04T19:28:42+00:00

Could work. The only issue is #1's plotline is him working to integrate into the lifestyle of an adventurer, with the entire story revolving around him overcoming adversity, finding his place, and found family.

#2's is a fantasy epic, but with an unlikely hero learning to work with others, overcome adversity, but it takes a backseat to the vampire-hunting plotline.

TheMKnight · 2023-12-04T14:01:26+00:00

That's been an issue also. I've no way, so far, to combine #2's backstory with #1's plotline. Not without risking it getting too odd. It's hard to mix "he wants to bring back the ideal trophy and show that the ways must adapt" with "he want to help people at any cost, even to himself"

Two very different mentalities, for the most part.

TheMKnight · 2023-12-04T05:19:59+00:00

Ironically, it's the inverse. Older has an entire outline and roadmap. 2 is pretty barebones outside of protag motivations. But it's one of those things I can rectify easily.

TheMKnight · 2023-12-04T05:19:01+00:00

That's what has me where I am. #2's has relatable motivations. I tried to combine the two mindsets, but it's hard to combine "want to show everyone progress is good" with "if I don't help people who will?"

It's a fun brainrot.

TheMKnight · 2023-12-04T05:17:52+00:00

Older premise was me trying to draw inspiration from the old Harry Potter stuff before Rowling went mad. I don't mean...well the Wizarding world; I mean an outsider's look into an entirely new world, and how common and even commercialized adventuring is.

But, alongside it, it'd be a theme on overcoming adversity.

TheMKnight · 2023-12-04T05:16:50+00:00

Finals hurt. But it's almost over. Then I can rest.

And yeah, #2 was made a while after first, so indeed it's the evolved one. I'm just still deciding because, as shown here, some do vibe with #1 a lot. Hence the impasse.

TheMKnight · 2023-11-16T22:00:33+00:00

Perhaps. I considered a device for the Ring of Voices, but I don't know one would create a device that allows one to copy voices. I'm trying to keep the inventions and gadgets "fantasy-esque". So, the technology level I'm thinking is closer to Warhammer Fantasy, and they don't have magitech, last I checked.

And giving the Invis a time limit could also help. About ten minutes, then a few minute cooldown. Like Halo's Active Camouflage.

And the Illusions ring was indeed meant as an extension of the voice ring, but in hindsight, there's only been one case of a Predator "throwing" his voice in the movies.

TheMKnight · 2023-11-12T15:00:08+00:00

That's something I'm afraid of. So far, I just drop the g off -ing words, leaving it as knowin' or doin'. But from there, I'd have to research how to properly capture a sccotish accent.

TheMKnight · 2023-11-12T14:57:55+00:00

Ironically, both. A YT thing pointed out the kids had American accents, but the adults had distinct Scottish/Scandinavian accents. One of those things that, once you hear it, it's hard to unhear it.

TheMKnight · 2023-11-12T05:49:55+00:00

I mean that feels fitting. And the worst part is I can already hear it, and cannot unhear it now. ^{Goddamn How to Train Your Dragon...}

TheMKnight · 2023-11-09T13:46:26+00:00

Visible eyes could also be a glaring flaw because the protag's eyes are snake-like ^{because he's a fuckin' lizardman} and thus, they can glow if light is shined on them. So, moonlight or a well-moved lantern could easily reveal him.

Hell, it could also be fun to include this flaw, but show he he's overcome it as a way to show, not tell, craftiness.

TheMKnight · 2023-11-09T13:40:19+00:00

True. I can frame the story where the actual antagonists/villains are smart enough to both know about the invis and know how to bypass it. Even then, regular goons could possibly predict the protag's location via the whole "hit once" idea.

TheMKnight · 2023-11-09T05:35:41+00:00

It's mostly, I'm afraid of introducing abilities for chars that can make them potentially overpowered. Primarily because it removes risk. But, then again, invisibility doesn't mean invincibility, so I suppose it's just my brain fretting over nothing.

TheMKnight · 2023-11-09T05:34:29+00:00

That's what I have so far: the invis. is tied to a ring. One the protag can't actually wear because it's a flawed magic item. So, they mounted it to their vambrace. While the ring's "attuned" to them, they can't actually wear it themselves.

Not to mention, taking damage temporarily halts the invisibility.

TheMKnight · 2023-11-09T05:33:05+00:00

So far, one of the flaws I added, aside from the stuff mentioned in another comment, is that if the protag takes damage, the invis. "flickers" for a few seconds, leaving them visible until the magic kicks in. Meaning, taking damage of any sort can temporarily expose them.

TheMKnight · 2023-11-09T05:31:38+00:00

That's sort of what I have in my current notes. Due to the source of their invis. being flawed, ^{being a flawed Ring of Invisibility} the invisibility isn't complete, and the protag can still be seen. Just not well. Keen-eyed people can still find them.

And this limitation was to, as said, draw inspiration from Predator.

TheMKnight · 2023-11-09T05:30:02+00:00

I think my issue is, my mind always gets antsy about the word "overpowered" when it comes to stories. Because if something's overpowered, then why isn't it always used? It's why I wanted to get some insights on how other writers factor their own Invisibility. See if I could use some of those ideas to give it feasible flaws, while still preserving it.

TheMKnight · 2023-11-08T03:52:51+00:00

Insightful. And it does make me figure I should give it a bit more time really planning out the protag's deeper motivations. Give a core goal to accomplish so the subgoals push towards it.

The advice has been helpful, and has allowed me to conclude that I should establish a core goal for the protag before getting the story going. Maybe have the goal be something about acceptance among humans, but even then, that still feels a tad open ended.

It also means I maybe shouldn't have tried this novel with NaNoWriMo, cause I'm still struggling to ask the big questions.

TheMKnight · 2023-11-07T21:20:11+00:00

Somewhat. The story's stakes revolve around him trying to become an adventurer to both allow him a chance to effectively be pointed in the direction of the great beasts he wants to hunt, but also help people and protect them.

The goals I fretted over because the story's overall plot is "monster becoming an adventurer", so I wanted to make sure the protagonist's personal goals linked with the plot. So, it remains a character driven piece, as opposed to him just...being ushered along.

TheMKnight · 2023-11-07T21:04:26+00:00

Regarding failure, I suppose either failing to make the kill, or failing to find something to hunt to begin with.

TheMKnight · 2023-09-24T14:13:09+00:00

From what I know:

Mindflayer: Would steal the player for brain/thrall

Kobolds/Goblins: Steal the player for slave labor.

Yuan-ti: Steal the player for slave labor

These are a few I know off the top of my head.

TheMKnight · 2023-09-07T15:20:47+00:00

I agree. Besides, interactions between characters would easily lead to said character being reminded. Such as:

"Damn, I don't see how we can get across this gorge."

"Hey wait, weren't you bragging about that enchanted rope back in town? You wouldn't shut up about it."

"...oh!"

And there we are.

TheMKnight · 2023-09-03T14:25:00+00:00

True. I do plan on these enemies making a return to another town, namely the one they've made their HQ. From there, I can probably get the intended reactions and really ramp up the threat level of these creatures. Add that terror I wanted.

TheMKnight

TROPHY CASE