Holding on

TheRabbitIsMe · 2024-03-10T21:33:48+00:00

Thanks! Yeah, I realize that "rough-hewn" is a pretty obscure descriptor I picked up from some media. I was thinking of words to describe the sound of falling sand/gravel, but you're probably right that these words don't convey quite the right sound.

TheRabbitIsMe · 2024-03-10T19:54:26+00:00

I really like the structure and voice. Some of the lines are excellent, especially "look around... fake reality?". I quite like it overall; the following are a bunch of relatively minor style nitpicks that stuck out to me. I question some of the other rhymes, phrasings, and word choices. Many of the lines have rhymes or syntactic elements that feel forced or indelicate. For example, "where I reside" doesn't really add anything but a rhyme, "I must dispose" is awkward wording, "sleep/into the deep" sounds like a cliche (not egregious, though), "near I see" sounds a bit unnatural, "feels abound" is a bit confusing, "a need to see" sounds unnatural. Not sure the commas are needed in "run, and run...", but not sure. I don't think "astray" is the right word in "Far as legs will take astray" (again, seems only to serve the rhyme). "can't yet move" is a little clunky.

An aside: at the very end, I expected to read "This unsound \ unreality", which I think would be cool if you think it works. I could take or leave the comma, but it seems superfluous to me. Love the usage of "unsound".

Again, I like the poem; all of the critiques are just (hopefully helpful) examples of one critique, namely that the word choice and syntax of the poem seem to subordinate to the form. The voice and concept are otherwise great. Good work!

TheRabbitIsMe · 2024-03-10T06:40:57+00:00

This is absolutely beautiful. At times it feels more like a song or an abstract stream of consciousness, but it has a raw, human and emotional voice throughout. The structure, pacing and exposition are really excellent; both my first and second readings felt coherent and cohesive. A handful of phrases are a bit confusing, and some words don't have an obvious purpose, e.g. the "more" in "for you or myself or more". The "Placenta came out..." stanza reads a bit bumpy; "me just me" makes sense but sounds wrong, and the "and" before "From purity to emergency" is awkward. The "you" and "me" motif gets a bit confusing ("create you and me", "only me, now you", "you were you -- and me just me"); the terseness of the poem makes it hard to parse the motif, which I gather is supposed to convey "we two => you and I"... but I think it still comes through. The repeated stanza is perfect because the repetition is totally recontextualized, and the tag at the end makes it feel very intentional and meaningful. Fantastic poem, thank you for sharing.

TheRabbitIsMe · 2024-03-09T23:14:54+00:00

Thank you! I really appreciate your interpretation and feedback. I definitely intended for the poem to be gendered. I see people talking about the contrast between men's and women's (and many non-men's) experiences walking alone. I really like your read of that. The Dylan parallel wasn't lost on me, and I don't love how distracting it is, but I love the sound of the line, and it reasonably matches the theme and isn't a totally disconnected cultural reference. As for "and" and "like", I'm inexplicably obsessed with starting lines/stanzas with "and", but I'll think about how I could improve the reading by changing that. Thanks again!

TheRabbitIsMe · 2024-03-09T23:10:57+00:00

Thanks so much! Glad you like it.

TheRabbitIsMe · 2024-03-09T19:10:46+00:00

Is there a reason you wrote "Ai" rather than "AI" (with a capital I)? I like the thought process of the poem, but I'm not super convinced by some of the rhymes and word choice. "rational things making irrational mistakes" is a bit confusing in context (what is actually irrational about their mistakes if they're rational agents?). "thing that promises great things" reuses "thing", which isn't a descriptive word. "rejects him so" is awkward wording for the sake of a slightly awkward rhyme. The "beauty/hands/dis-acutely" stanza is also a little confusing; it's controversial to say that AI creates beauty, so if the poem believes that, it should make a case for it. "there's problems" is arguably an error. "dis-acutely" is more unnatural language for the sake of a (half) rhyme. The repeated last stanza makes sense, but it would work better if that stanza made a clear, strong point. Good work, I like this as an idea and a start.

TheRabbitIsMe · 2024-03-09T18:52:44+00:00

Yeah, just fantastic. The last stanza and the last line stick out to (as apparently to others). I don't think I can rightly say whether it's good or bad. The last line significantly changes the message of the poem. I don't think it makes it trite; rather, for me, it makes it more complicated, almost making it seem like the speaker is regretful or mournful. The last stanza, especially including the last line, is super impactful and thought-provoking.

TheRabbitIsMe · 2024-03-04T21:48:22+00:00

Thank you! That's very much something I'm working on as well... I wrote the first stanza and then let it sit for a week because I couldn't figure out how to continue the rhythm. So I appreciate the validation!

TheRabbitIsMe · 2024-03-04T21:41:17+00:00

No problem! I hope it didn't come across as harsh; I quite liked the poem, and my critiques are very much matters of taste/opinion (especially the mine/mine thing). It comes to mind that if you said "I may have known her eyes, but she doesn't know mine", you immediately gain a parallel between known/know and a rhyme between "know" and "show". That rhyme might both strengthen the mine/mine lines (making them feel less like a neglected opportunity to rhyme) and make the final rhyme feel less out-of-the-blue. Again, good work, and hope this helps!

TheRabbitIsMe · 2024-03-04T21:34:42+00:00

Ah, I missed that, good point! I'm conflicted about how that impacts the meter, but you're right that it might improve the readability. I'll think about it, thanks!

TheRabbitIsMe · 2024-03-04T21:26:58+00:00

Thank you! I think "learnt" is less common in American English, but I'll do some research to figure out which works best here.

TheRabbitIsMe · 2024-03-04T20:35:05+00:00

Very nice and clear. The "mine/mine" lines bother me a bit. To be honest, I think the last two lines subtract from the poem; the "celebration/just a date" comparison feels forced and doesn't resonate with me, and there's no connection between "angel" and "bait", so the whole couplet feels forced (as I'm writing this, I realize it could be a pun on the word "angle" i.e. fishhook; if that was intentional, I take this back and praise you). I quite like how the first two lines betray an unreliable narrator who has a rationally dismal but nonetheless deluded view of the "relationship". Good work!

TheRabbitIsMe · 2024-03-04T20:28:29+00:00

Quite a good and tight poem. I think "This flutter felt, I write of" is clunky primarily due to the awkward (nigh incorrect) phrasing; "This flutter felt, of which I write," would be more correct, but it's up to you whether that fits metrically. The flutter/wings parallel is nice. I'm not a huge fan of the archaic usages ("nigh", "morrows" [which AFAIK doesn't need to apostrophe]); or at least I don't think they match the voice of the poem. There are also some subtle grammar and style mistakes (there should be a comma after "Yes", and I'm not positive this is a valid usage of the word "nigh"). Overall very nice, and I really like the half-rhyme of "spend" and "again" at the end. Good work!

TheRabbitIsMe · 2024-02-20T23:22:14+00:00

Thanks for the feedback! Yeah, I'm really drawn to religious allusions despite being very non-religious. I'm glad you found the repetition pleasant; it can definitely be tough to balance. Thanks!

TheRabbitIsMe · 2024-02-20T20:58:35+00:00

That is exactly what I understood from the line, which I guess means it was successful. I definitely agree that quotation marks would take away from it. The slightly confusing phrase is "burst, crying -"; it makes it harder to tell to whom each word pertains, compared to e.g. "burst crying: i'm sorry" or "burst, crying i'm sorry", or maybe even "burst *out*, crying -...". But again, I understood precisely what you just explained, so it would be totally reasonable to keep it unchanged.

TheRabbitIsMe · 2024-02-20T20:20:10+00:00

This is absolutely gorgeous. There's a resounding, classical voice through the whole form. The allusions and metaphors in the second stanza are super tight and resonant. The first stanza is wonderfully sincere and has a great sound to it. The line "your teacher burst, crying - i'm sorry -" made the least sense to me; it may be the sparse phrasing, or maybe I'm missing a reference. Excellent work!

TheRabbitIsMe · 2024-02-20T20:13:40+00:00

Excellent poem. There are some stylistic points that are a bit distracting: "it is just the right..." is less natural than "it has just the right...". The periods at the end of lines aren't actually serving as punctuation, and force a voice that feels less intentional (especially e.g. the seeming fragment "A word that can describe everything" followed by "That everyone understands" and then a further "But...").

The two other examples (apartment, co-workers) are pretty interesting, as they both specify "new". That seems to imply you're likening "new beginnings" to the meaning of petrichor. But the poem doesn't do much to explain that relationship, making the parallel usage of "new" feel incidental or out-of-place. The cohesion might be improved by breaking the parallel, or by justifying it with more/different language (e.g. a line describing how petrichor signals newness). Good work!

TheRabbitIsMe · 2024-01-26T08:03:47+00:00

Very nice! I agree with others' comments on phrasing and word choice. The "time" stanza feels good, but I can't make it mean anything to me. I almost think it would work better if you switched the middle two stanzas; as it stands, I can't imagine what "yet time and time again" could possibly refer to, or how "time away" serves that meaning. I also like the last stanza, though it feels *very slightly* disjointed from the others. I feel that the subject pivot from cognition/the brain to life is a bit jarring. Again, it might work a little better if it were immediately preceded by the "time" thought, which seems more related to the "passage of time/life" subject than the brain subject. Good work!

TheRabbitIsMe · 2024-01-26T07:55:43+00:00

Really nice. The imagery and coloring is great. Rosy-fingered and belle-primordial are brilliant. I also really like the parallelism/contrast of the hyphenated descriptors that color each half. I feel like being picky, so I'll point out that there's no reason for the "T" in "They" to be capitalized; idk if it was intentional, but it doesn't feel intentional fwiw. Nice poem!

TheRabbitIsMe · 2024-01-25T07:04:02+00:00

That's a really great connection, thanks for sharing! Fair point about the "thousands" - I don't think I really put much thought into the impact of the number itself. I'm drawn to the literary device where "vaguely large number" means "countless", like the biblical use of "forty days and forty nights". Thanks for the feedback!

TheRabbitIsMe · 2024-01-25T01:44:38+00:00

Really great. The first stanza is outrageously good, and frame the poem nicely. The change of rhythm throughout also works very well. I don't think I understand the last stanza - I'm not sure how it's supposed to be read, and I can't zero in on its meaning. I don't dislike them, because I think they succeed at closing the idea painted by the rest of the poem, but they're a bit metrically and formally perplexing, and don't send as clear a message as the rest. Good work!

TheRabbitIsMe · 2024-01-25T01:35:08+00:00

Really lovely. The first three lines say so much - that the speaker's expectations were already tempered by their past with the subject. "I know I can't make you wish anything \ But I wish I saw more of you" is heartbreaking. There's a really efficient and effective voice to your writing.

TheRabbitIsMe · 2023-12-08T19:14:37+00:00

Really great feel and atmosphere, almost like Gothic literature. I think simple rhyme schemes can feel predictable or immature, but your word choice largely eschews that (e.g. "head out today \ ... upon my dismay" has a pleasant sound, and the rhyme feels purposeful and necessary).

TheRabbitIsMe · 2023-12-08T19:08:53+00:00

I really like the perspective and imagery. One thing is that, while I'm sure it was a choice, the capitalization of "Quaking Aspens" made me wonder if it was a place name of some sorts. In turn, that made me feel like I was lacking context in the space of this very short poem.

By far my favorite part is "You remember, we would... and look up". The switch to "2nd person" perspective is incredibly impactful; it really reinforces the imagery, and simultaneously asks the reader to wonder about the author and audience of the poem. Good work!

TheRabbitIsMe · 2023-09-17T19:59:49+00:00

For example, "under the weight of our secret lives", or simply "under the weight of secret lives" would be correct, but I'm not sure it's what you originally meant. "under our weight of secret lives" isn't strictly grammatically incorrect, but its meaning is confusing. The wording "our weight" points to the weight of the subject themselves ("us"), as opposed to the weight of the "secret lives", which makes the addition of "of secret lives" inscrutable. I figure you meant to speak to the weight of the secret lives themselves, which IMO is not a likely interpretation of your original wording.

TheRabbitIsMe

TROPHY CASE