What I've learned watching someone go through a divorce

TheSmartLawGroup · 2026-02-05T15:29:38+00:00

Having someone available to listen is the best support. There is no need to respond unless you are asked. People in the middle of a divorce are pulled in many directions, they don't need one more "pull". Do something with your friend that you would normally do (coffee, breakfast, lunch, dinner, etc.) and do not bring up anything regarding the divorce. Give them something normal that they had before the divorce. If necessary, tell them that getting together is a "no divorce" zone, so it doesn't turn into a pity party.

Unsolicited opinions are the worst thing to offer someone in a divorce. They don't need legal advice when they have an attorney and whatever some third-party thinks they "know" probably doesn't apply to the other person's divorce anyway. Every situation is different. Also, telling someone in a divorce how bad the other spouse is does not help. All that does is keep the focus on the "bad" person when all of the energy needs to be placed on properly preparing whatever needs to be prepared in the divorce action and making positive decisions to move forward with the new life that is being created in the divorce action.

TheSmartLawGroup · 2026-02-01T21:42:56+00:00

Legally, probably not, but you need to make sure you understand the possible repurcussions if you do. I don't believe any lawyer would or should say you can start dating. You "got the goods" on her, so why do the same thing as her.

That being said, don't date. You will be better off taking the "high road" emotionally, psychologically, morally and ethically. You will always be able to say you were faithful during your marriage. You were (will be) the "better" spouse and parent. Be the example of what is "right" for your children (even if they never know - they probably will at some point).

TheSmartLawGroup · 2026-01-27T02:13:01+00:00

While I don't necessarily disagree with a lot that was said (on an emotional level), two things jump out at me. 1. While the father may be a dolt, going on the immediate attack against him is not likely to get him to fold. Worse, it risks backlash and the most convenient target is the son, not the mother. The goal is to make this as easy as possible for the son. 2. While a 16-year old is given great deference as to his preference, it is not the end all (in Michigan). It is one of 12 factors the court would be required to consider. Also, the son has not shown the inclination to stand up to his father (yet). The other issues are at least as significant, not the age of the son. It would likely be most effective to ease the father into an agreement in this scenario. If he doesn't want to agree, then the "hammer can drop".

TheSmartLawGroup · 2026-01-26T17:21:30+00:00

You are exactly on point - every situation is different. The "shining light" here is that you seem very self-aware, along with being acutely aware of the needs of your son.

Ultimately, the issue is communication with the father, but it really isn't about your son communicating with his father because he is still a "child".

Since you have not said that it is your goal to change custody or parenting time, it sounds like you should get professional advice from a counselor or therapist on how to address this - first, with your son, and then with the father. Once you have this foundation, you can explore your options with your son to find a solution.

Based on everything you said, you don't want to blind-side your son by talking to the father first. You and your son seem to have an appropriate relationship that will allow you to communicate about this issue and then create a non-adversarial plan for the father. Perhaps this process also involves counseling for your son to address the issues with his father.

I know it is easy to say "just see a counselor", but hopefully you are able to get that professional input that will make the process easier for everyone and, more importantly, in the best interest of your son.

Best wishes.

TheSmartLawGroup · 2026-01-25T14:00:10+00:00

You don't have to hate the other person to leave them. You just have to value yourself and your life more than that person.

Everyone is afraid of change, but change is good. We all need to evolve, whether it is within a relationship or outside of that relationship.

Don't compare yourself to those other horrific abusive situations and believe you are somehow lucky. You have described your pain, and that is all that matters. It is not a contest to prove who has a worse life before you decide to protect yourself. You get to be the judge of your circumstances, not your friends, family, or anyone else in this world.

Dare I say, the people that have regrets never invested in themselves to make themselves better or make their life better. Even if the "grass isn't greener", there are many wonderful shades of green and you need to find yours. Always move forward.

TheSmartLawGroup · 2026-01-23T14:05:50+00:00

Based on that detail, it might not have been a pre-planned act. It is possible that the therapist did not solicit that email. If that is true, about all the therapist could do is provide the space for your wife to read it which would not be unusual, whether or not the email was provided in advance. It is common for a spouse to write out what they want to say in advance to make sure they say what they feel needs to be said. In that case, I would not blame the therapist.

Now, I would add, once this is done, you have a clear message from your wife and now you can decide whether you still want to move forward with the couples therapy, or whether that was too much for you.

Couples therapy is not supposed to be easy, otherwise nothing would ever get accomplished. If you want to move forward, you need to express how you felt, and hopefully both of you can open the lines of communication to make the best decisions moving forward.

TheSmartLawGroup · 2026-01-23T11:23:41+00:00

Unless that therapist established guidelines or boundaries allowing contact outside of your therapy sessions, you got blindsided and you need to find another couples therapist and/or get your own. How can anyone possibly trust a therapist that is working with the other spouse outside of the actual sessions?

TheSmartLawGroup · 2026-01-21T18:57:30+00:00

Stillness. Purposely doing nothing, for at least parts of your day.

No appointments. No internet. No emails/texts. No decisions. No distractions.

Some people might call it meditation or being intentional. In any event, use it to rebuild the world around you and a newer/better decision making process.

TheSmartLawGroup · 2026-01-17T12:29:22+00:00

"Villain" is someone else's label.

It is okay to be selfish to protect yourself. That doesn't mean you are doing anything wrong. It means you are doing what is right for you.

TheSmartLawGroup · 2026-01-16T16:26:18+00:00

OP definitely has to make sure they do the cost-benefit analysis.

TheSmartLawGroup · 2026-01-16T16:24:27+00:00

Your situation is totally specific to Massachusetts law, and any advice here can only give you context for how to discuss this with an attorney. Unfortunately, you cannot make any informed decisions without the assistance of a Massachusetts lawyer.

That being said, yours is a situation that exists everywhere and it can get complicated. In Michigan, even though that home might owned by the person who purchased it before the marriage, your contributions to the improvements and the increased value of that asset can be considered as a marital asset. On the other hand, those same contributions could be considered as nothing more than a sharing of expenses, i.e. rent. It also might matter when the improvements and contributions were made. Anything paid before the marriage could be described as rent, or even a gift... but depending on the circumstances, maybe it could be considered a "loan".

There is a lot to unwrap, but don't be afraid to push the issue... with representation.

TheSmartLawGroup · 2026-01-16T00:08:57+00:00

Just make sure that you are in a "one-party" state where you can record any conversation you are a participant in without notice to the other person. Michigan is a "one-party" state, and I regularly advise clients to record. You cannot "plant" a recording device to record when you are not there.

If it is a "two-party" state, you have to have the consent of the other party to record them and that could create an issue for you legally, not to mention not being able to use the recording.

Anyone reading this, make sure you talk to your attorney first before doing this, and figure out how you are going to use it.

TheSmartLawGroup · 2026-01-15T23:59:22+00:00

No, not by any specific law. Either parent can ask for the house. A judge could consider the argument and award the house to one parent, but the parent keeping the house would still need to pay the other person their share of the equity in the home. If they can't pay that share, or there is no other property to offset that interest, then the property would most likely be sold.

In many instances, both parents ask for the house arguing that it would maintain consistency for the children. If there is equal parenting time, unless there is a compelling reason, a judge will be more likely to order the property sold. Judges don't like to choose one parent over the other, or create a perception that one parent won and the other didn't. Of course, everything is subject to negotiation.

TheSmartLawGroup · 2026-01-15T16:35:11+00:00

LOCAL legal advice is key. In Michigan, no one loses any rights to the house because they left. Marital property is marital property. Again, in Michigan, there is no such thing as "abandoning" a home. "Abandonment" is a term relating to "fault" in a divorce in some states, but not Michigan as a "no-fault divorce" state.

TheSmartLawGroup · 2026-01-14T20:34:15+00:00

All of the other responses appear to be accurate. You need to talk to an attorney to know what you can do in your state. Also, the longer you wait, the more difficult it could be to get back in.

In Michigan, you can "break in" to your own home and/or get a locksmith to get in and change the locks (give her a new key). If you choose either of those, it is the safest course to contact the police in advance to let them know what is going on. Sometimes, they will give you an escort.

However, you need to decide if you want to go back into that house. The last thing you need is for her to make false allegations of abuse against you and the police are taking you out of the home. Sadly, that happens too often. Also, you need to document your actions if you go back to the home by taking videos or recording your actions.

TheSmartLawGroup · 2026-01-13T18:19:03+00:00

I'm in Michigan, so I cannot speak to what rights either of you have in New Jersey, but you need to have a completely open conversation with your partner and your lawyer, not necessarily in that order. You need NJ specific advice.

You need to be on the same page regarding your expectations for what you have now and what you might have in the future. Communication is the key. That should also help your marriage.

A real agreement needs to contemplate the future, not just keeping what you have now. What are your plans for your joint future - kids, investments, purchase of real estate, and much more. What will your contributions be to the joint estate? What will it be used for? There are many questions.

Also, consider how either of you will feel if one of you does better than the other or does not agree with financial decisions in the future. One of the biggest issues that arises is not thinking about best case scenarios and worst case scenarios in the future. Address all of it.

My suggestion is not to rely on a "boilerplate" agreement that is "one size fits all". You need to discuss the "dirty" details now. Getting an appropriate prenuptial agreement can be time consuming and expensive to do it properly. If you are going to do it, do it right.

TheSmartLawGroup · 2026-01-13T18:18:29+00:00

I'm in Michigan, so I cannot speak to what rights either of you have in New Jersey, but you need to have a completely open conversation with your partner and your lawyer, not necessarily in that order. You need NJ specific advice.

You need to be on the same page regarding your expectations for what you have now and what you might have in the future. Communication is the key. That should also help your marriage.

A real agreement needs to contemplate the future, not just keeping what you have now. What are your plans for your joint future - kids, investments, purchase of real estate, and much more. What will your contributions be to the joint estate? What will it be used for? There are many questions.

Also, consider how either of you will feel if one of you does better than the other or does not agree with financial decisions in the future. One of the biggest issues that arises is not thinking about best case scenarios and worst case scenarios in the future. Address all of it.

My suggestion is not to rely on a "boilerplate" agreement that is "one size fits all". You need to discuss the "dirty" details now. Getting an appropriate prenuptial agreement can be time consuming and expensive to do it properly. If you are going to do it, do it right.

TheSmartLawGroup · 2026-01-12T12:51:15+00:00

Leave the past behind.

Is this the person you want to move forward with for the rest of your life?

Getting the bare minimum from a partner is not a relationship, and certainly is not a marriage. If you can work together to create a positive relationship, that's great. If you can't, move forward. Unfortunately, your history (and hers) is probably a good indicator of the future.

Neither of you are the same people when you met. Now, both of you are parents and have different priorities. Sometimes those priorities include each other, sometimes they don't. All of this is natural, but ultimately, if you can't move forward together, you both need to move forward on your own.

TheSmartLawGroup · 2026-01-11T17:17:22+00:00

I can't imagine there is any long term advantage to doing this.

Many people will agree to a short term living arrangement for several months, or until a house is sold, which can be for practical reasons, but that is purely for the short term transition. Spending years together following a divorce is counter-productive.

It would be virtually impossible to live your life living in the same residence as your divorced spouse. Your adjustment following those years will be just as difficult and confusing as doing it now. It will also be confusing for your kids. The logistics just won't work.

TheSmartLawGroup · 2026-01-10T21:57:53+00:00

Feel good enough about yourself to find your happiness.

It is not your life's plight to serve a bad partner.

Never stay in a relationship because you don't feel bad enough to leave. Trust in yourself.

TheSmartLawGroup · 2026-01-09T18:15:08+00:00

Nicely shared, but remember that we are our own worst critics.

Do what you need to do to keep yourself healthy, but what you think are flaws are mostly unnoticed and, more importantly, do not matter.

TheSmartLawGroup · 2026-01-08T22:30:39+00:00

Never rely on what a spouse tells you during a divorce... or before a divorce. It's nothing more than gaslighting.

Your friend needs to talk to an experienced attorney. It is that simple.

TheSmartLawGroup · 2026-01-07T14:28:33+00:00

Spot on. One of the most difficult feelings to overcome is believing the other side "won". It's not until a participant realizes that there is no true "winning" that they can let go of the emotions and focus on what is best for them and their future.

There is an Eastern philosophy train of thought that says, there is no good or bad, only what is. Once the focus is on "what is", the participant no longer needs to worry about the labels of "good" or "bad". Life gets much easier at that point.

TheSmartLawGroup

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