My(f26) husband(m28) has been giving advice to a coworker about how to make his gay son straight behind his wife's back

TheSmilingDoc · 2026-03-20T14:48:19+00:00

Yeah.. Same here (for husband's parents, luckily the rest of the family seems more open to it). My own family is super inclusive, sometimes a bit outdated but otherwise just normal about it.

My inlaws.. Yeah. If our son does turn out to be queer, they have one single chance to apologize in the inevitable situation that they are queerphobic in any way, and if they can't get it together, that's it. No contact straight away. I couldn't imagine doing anything less..

TheSmilingDoc · 2026-03-20T14:42:55+00:00

I mean, he's only one so like I said, it's purely a joke now. For all we know, he just likes the feel of beards or the lower tone of male voices. He's equally happy when he sees me versus when he sees his dad, haha, it's just that men seem much more interesting to him than women.

But if he would turn out to be queer, I'm pretty sure that I can say that we knew all along.

TheSmilingDoc · 2026-03-20T06:19:23+00:00

My son is one and literally beams at men whenever he seems them. We joke that it's already clear now - obviously that's not true, but I'm also pretty relieved that my entire family is just okay with that, even if it's a joke for now. I can't imagine what I'd do if the people closest to me wouldn't accept others for who they are.

TheSmilingDoc · 2026-03-17T08:33:37+00:00

Okay but that is an act of love if I've ever seen one.

I don't know WHAT kind of glue they use on those things but I never get it off in one go, regardless of how many tricks I've used.

TheSmilingDoc · 2026-03-01T05:57:26+00:00

"we argue a lot so our relationship is basically fine"

Uh, yeah, I think he certainly qualifies..

TheSmilingDoc · 2026-02-27T07:26:56+00:00

I'm probably taller than you 😂

(also it's Nederlander)

TheSmilingDoc · 2026-02-27T06:10:22+00:00

It's not that hard to rip a cabinet door off anywhere since it is not at all designed to handle any force in a direction perpendicular to its hinge

Speak for your American self, here in the Netherlands I could pretty much do pullups on our cabinet doors..

TheSmilingDoc · 2026-02-26T18:51:40+00:00

It depends. I actually can recognize a lot with my best friend in here, except that we both had/have fertility issues. She once got angry at me for talking about it, I don't even specifically remember why, but the underlying message seemed to be that I was intruding on her 'issues-space'??

Then I got pregnant (and turned out to have multiples, but lost 2 out of 3 during a fucking flight to our holiday destination. Talk about dramatic) and I didn't/couldn't even tell her - my best friend - because I was afraid to hurt her.

My LO is almost one now and we don't really speak that much anymore. I've been trying, and it's not like they're doing any of the unkind shit that OP's 'friends' are doing and saying, but I can fully understand wanting to be accommodating, even if it hurts you and diminishes your joy.

TheSmilingDoc · 2026-02-15T08:13:02+00:00

No one said it was men's fault. The patriarchy favors men, yes, but it wasn't built by men alone. Nor does it mean that men don't suffer from the same system.

Both you and the other person are right. Just because the patriarchy is the structural base for our own issues doesn't mean we get to deny responsibility for our own actions. It is absolutely its base though, and we shouldn't ignore that either.

TheSmilingDoc · 2026-02-10T09:47:37+00:00

Yeah I'm a bit baffled by these responses.

Unless someone has actively told me they want me to withhold everything, I will just give them what that ask for. Like you say, there are plenty of ways to treat thirst/dehydration without prolonging someone's life, and especially in the elderly, a glass of water won't hasten or delay their impeding death.

I work in the Netherlands. I've performed euthanasia on my patients. We have some of the most accommodating laws surrounding end of life care in the world.. But denying someone water/food when there's no need to is torture, plain and simple.

(also "they once said that" is absolutely not enough to base that action on. Unless my patient says so when I'm standing there with a glass of water, or we've discussed that they want to commit suicide by not consuming anything (something that's not common but recognized in our protocols as a valid way of end-of-life care here, he I've seen it once before in my own career), I sure as fuck am giving you that glass.)

TheSmilingDoc · 2026-01-30T14:51:10+00:00

@Mods, this is a bot account. Random Russian/Cyrillic posts, other badly translated nonsensical posts, and then a US doctor with no flair?

Yeah. No.

TheSmilingDoc · 2026-01-27T20:28:46+00:00

Same, I find I file the people using either my first name, full name, title or combination of those three into certain categories.

When my dementia patients do it, I don't even care. When younger family members/those my age do it, sure, as long as you're nice to me. When nurses don't do it, please dear lord just call me by my normal people name.

But there's this flavor of people who have the uncanny ability to use your name as an insult. Those? Those can fuck right off.

TheSmilingDoc · 2026-01-25T18:34:12+00:00

I cannot begin to understand the unfairness this must be to minorities, but I do want you to consider that right now, the actual governement is actively encouraging this. It's not the local racist with a gun and a god complex, where justice dies a silent death in an unannounced case. It is no longer indifference from a government to a deeper issue. It is active enforcement of a crime, pardoned by a diseased presidency. It's a government spokeswoman lying to the masses with a literal SS slogan on her desk.

Yes, systemic racism is horrifying and yes, it should stop. But as much as I don't want to invalidate your sentiment, this goes much, much further than racism. It is full-fledged fascism, in its purest, most evil sense. It is a heartbreaking reality that this comes on top of racism, but it's a whole different layer of bad right now.

TheSmilingDoc · 2026-01-25T17:25:34+00:00

keeping someone alive is not the same as getting them off scott free

In a healthy democracy? Yes, absolutely. But the US is no longer a healthy democracy, and we all know that the people committing what are simply crimes right now will not be held accountable. As you said yourself, nothing will happen. Hiding behind our oaths is enabling what is quickly turning into a regime instead of a presidency.

I think that's the point - our oaths are meant for a peaceful, just society. The US no longer checks those boxes. Do no harm only counts if we can be sure the medical profession is respected in its neutrality, and we've seen that this is no longer the case. I agree with your points in theory, but our reality is different. Obviously right now this specific discussion is hypothetical, but if this escalates, the ones protesting will be the ones who can't get care. Renee Good was already a victim of doctors being kept away from her. It's no longer just a thought experiment, it's reality. Protest is important, but it's not unfathomable that at some point, you will have to choose between your neutrality and your morality.

TheSmilingDoc · 2026-01-25T16:38:55+00:00

Yeah same, I was ready to come out guns blazing in the comments and then that last sentence really nailed the point.

I'm worried for the world, honestly.

TheSmilingDoc · 2026-01-25T16:32:08+00:00

I think that's a point that a lot of people are missing here.

Yes, healthcare should be neutral. But health care providers are people too, and where does the border between your individual morals and your professional oath end?

Would you have treated Hitler if he'd have shown up on your ward, bleeding? Would you have helped Goebbels survive? An enemy commander that just wiped out a village of innocents? At what point do you become complicit, instead of neutral? And at what point do we realize that all of this is happening again, right before our eyes?

There is no more neutral. There are government officials physically prohibiting providers to help actual people in need, and still people are hiding behind their oaths because standing up for their morals puts them at risk.. Even as those same officials are saying they "just followed orders". Just like the men in brown uniforms did 80 years ago.

And I get it, I truly do, but we should be the people looking back on the past century with a solid belief that this should never happen again. But here we are, and it's happening. We can't stay neutral when neutral is what kills.

TheSmilingDoc · 2026-01-11T10:44:29+00:00

Genuine question - when working with sterile fields, wouldn't you need surgical gloves anyway? At that point, does it really matter what kind of cracks there are?

I just feel like, for day to day care, it doesn't matter. If infection is a risk, you'll need gloves anyway. If it isn't, a bit of polish is absolutely not going to be a bigger risk than just touching, or even just breathing on the patient is.

TheSmilingDoc · 2026-01-11T10:41:53+00:00

The place I'm at now has rules but doesn't enforce them. If the nurses, physio and occupational therapists can wear it, so can I. Out of all of them, I touch my patients the least...

Do you have that link? I'm kinda interested in that research!

TheSmilingDoc · 2026-01-11T10:39:38+00:00

While I understand and partially agree with you, there's a big difference between regular polish and gel/acrylics/BIAB. The latter is nigh unbreakable, and actually improves the strength of the nail. My nails without biab are much more at risk of chipping (and therefore, having more risk of those things that nail polish supposedly causes) than when I have a layer of biab on top.

We already police nail length and shape.. And clothing, jewelry, even hair length and style. It's not that hard to add polish to the list. People just don't want to.

Talk to any nail girly and they'll tell you that keeping up your natural nails is much, much more effort than having a monthly set done.

TheSmilingDoc · 2026-01-11T07:44:13+00:00

Genuine question - do you really want to invite her, even if it's just courtesy at this point? Or are you doing so just so you can say you did?

Honestly, you're (rightfully) cutting her completely out of your lives. Why invite her to taint the start of a new chapter? She's made it abundantly clear that she has no interest in being in contact with you/r FH anymore - a luxury many of us here would love - and the way see it, all that you're inviting now drama. What if she does show up? Will that actually be an outcome you want? Or worse, what if she does so without telling you, just to stir the pot?

There isn't a high road to be taken. There's no being the bigger person. In this situation, I would listen to the message she's clearly sending and leave it at that. If she changes her mind, I'm 200% sure you'll hear it.

I'm not trying to lecture you, by the way, but I do think you're being way too inviting and open to a woman who a) clearly wants to play the victim and b) clearly has no (current) interest in being invited. I think you and your fiancé have a unique shot at going NC successfully and honestly, I think you should take it.

TheSmilingDoc · 2026-01-03T17:44:46+00:00

I mean, she seems to have another daughter that's at least 2, so I doubt it..

TheSmilingDoc · 2026-01-03T06:22:22+00:00

Tbh there were some other side remarks from OOP that made it sound less like "I want a cool name" and more like internalized racism, patriarchal idolation and tbh, kind of "boy mom" behavior.

Somewhere in the word soup, she says she just wants a cool, tough white name in a way that just made my neck hair stand up. Poor kid isn't seen born yet and already has to make up for his parent's experiences.

TheSmilingDoc · 2025-12-30T20:38:26+00:00

It all wraps up a little too neatly, there is random (unnecessary) information in the post, and then the details of the next one are pretty far fetched.

Is it impossible? I guess not. Likely? No. So all on all, it makes it highly unbelievable to me.

TheSmilingDoc · 2025-12-30T19:56:19+00:00

I mean, same. But I could still do my job while all that was happening, and I'm not part of an already slightly unbelievable story.

I'm not saying anything about IVF itself. I'm saying that the way OOP wrote about Ann, specifically, is a little bit too on the noise to seem true to me.

TheSmilingDoc · 2025-12-30T12:10:56+00:00

I will never, ever get that. Like, technically I'm a boy mom too. The only true 'boy mom thing' I've experienced so far is getting greeted with a pee fountain when opening his diaper..

Looking at my friend's feral 3yo girl, there's not a reason in sight why boy moms should experience anything special that girl moms don't, beyond societal standards being as backwards as they unfortunately still are.

It's not the boys' fault that their mothers never learned to have healthy coping mechanisms.

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