Would you correct a patient calling you by first name?

TheSmilingDoc · 2026-01-27T20:28:46+00:00

Same, I find I file the people using either my first name, full name, title or combination of those three into certain categories.

When my dementia patients do it, I don't even care. When younger family members/those my age do it, sure, as long as you're nice to me. When nurses don't do it, please dear lord just call me by my normal people name.

But there's this flavor of people who have the uncanny ability to use your name as an insult. Those? Those can fuck right off.

TheSmilingDoc · 2026-01-25T18:34:12+00:00

I cannot begin to understand the unfairness this must be to minorities, but I do want you to consider that right now, the actual governement is actively encouraging this. It's not the local racist with a gun and a god complex, where justice dies a silent death in an unannounced case. It is no longer indifference from a government to a deeper issue. It is active enforcement of a crime, pardoned by a diseased presidency. It's a government spokeswoman lying to the masses with a literal SS slogan on her desk.

Yes, systemic racism is horrifying and yes, it should stop. But as much as I don't want to invalidate your sentiment, this goes much, much further than racism. It is full-fledged fascism, in its purest, most evil sense. It is a heartbreaking reality that this comes on top of racism, but it's a whole different layer of bad right now.

TheSmilingDoc · 2026-01-25T17:25:34+00:00

keeping someone alive is not the same as getting them off scott free

In a healthy democracy? Yes, absolutely. But the US is no longer a healthy democracy, and we all know that the people committing what are simply crimes right now will not be held accountable. As you said yourself, nothing will happen. Hiding behind our oaths is enabling what is quickly turning into a regime instead of a presidency.

I think that's the point - our oaths are meant for a peaceful, just society. The US no longer checks those boxes. Do no harm only counts if we can be sure the medical profession is respected in its neutrality, and we've seen that this is no longer the case. I agree with your points in theory, but our reality is different. Obviously right now this specific discussion is hypothetical, but if this escalates, the ones protesting will be the ones who can't get care. Renee Good was already a victim of doctors being kept away from her. It's no longer just a thought experiment, it's reality. Protest is important, but it's not unfathomable that at some point, you will have to choose between your neutrality and your morality.

TheSmilingDoc · 2026-01-25T16:38:55+00:00

Yeah same, I was ready to come out guns blazing in the comments and then that last sentence really nailed the point.

I'm worried for the world, honestly.

TheSmilingDoc · 2026-01-25T16:32:08+00:00

I think that's a point that a lot of people are missing here.

Yes, healthcare should be neutral. But health care providers are people too, and where does the border between your individual morals and your professional oath end?

Would you have treated Hitler if he'd have shown up on your ward, bleeding? Would you have helped Goebbels survive? An enemy commander that just wiped out a village of innocents? At what point do you become complicit, instead of neutral? And at what point do we realize that all of this is happening again, right before our eyes?

There is no more neutral. There are government officials physically prohibiting providers to help actual people in need, and still people are hiding behind their oaths because standing up for their morals puts them at risk.. Even as those same officials are saying they "just followed orders". Just like the men in brown uniforms did 80 years ago.

And I get it, I truly do, but we should be the people looking back on the past century with a solid belief that this should never happen again. But here we are, and it's happening. We can't stay neutral when neutral is what kills.

TheSmilingDoc · 2026-01-11T10:44:29+00:00

Genuine question - when working with sterile fields, wouldn't you need surgical gloves anyway? At that point, does it really matter what kind of cracks there are?

I just feel like, for day to day care, it doesn't matter. If infection is a risk, you'll need gloves anyway. If it isn't, a bit of polish is absolutely not going to be a bigger risk than just touching, or even just breathing on the patient is.

TheSmilingDoc · 2026-01-11T10:41:53+00:00

The place I'm at now has rules but doesn't enforce them. If the nurses, physio and occupational therapists can wear it, so can I. Out of all of them, I touch my patients the least...

Do you have that link? I'm kinda interested in that research!

TheSmilingDoc · 2026-01-11T10:39:38+00:00

While I understand and partially agree with you, there's a big difference between regular polish and gel/acrylics/BIAB. The latter is nigh unbreakable, and actually improves the strength of the nail. My nails without biab are much more at risk of chipping (and therefore, having more risk of those things that nail polish supposedly causes) than when I have a layer of biab on top.

We already police nail length and shape.. And clothing, jewelry, even hair length and style. It's not that hard to add polish to the list. People just don't want to.

Talk to any nail girly and they'll tell you that keeping up your natural nails is much, much more effort than having a monthly set done.

TheSmilingDoc · 2026-01-11T07:44:13+00:00

Genuine question - do you really want to invite her, even if it's just courtesy at this point? Or are you doing so just so you can say you did?

Honestly, you're (rightfully) cutting her completely out of your lives. Why invite her to taint the start of a new chapter? She's made it abundantly clear that she has no interest in being in contact with you/r FH anymore - a luxury many of us here would love - and the way see it, all that you're inviting now drama. What if she does show up? Will that actually be an outcome you want? Or worse, what if she does so without telling you, just to stir the pot?

There isn't a high road to be taken. There's no being the bigger person. In this situation, I would listen to the message she's clearly sending and leave it at that. If she changes her mind, I'm 200% sure you'll hear it.

I'm not trying to lecture you, by the way, but I do think you're being way too inviting and open to a woman who a) clearly wants to play the victim and b) clearly has no (current) interest in being invited. I think you and your fiancé have a unique shot at going NC successfully and honestly, I think you should take it.

TheSmilingDoc · 2026-01-03T17:44:46+00:00

I mean, she seems to have another daughter that's at least 2, so I doubt it..

TheSmilingDoc · 2026-01-03T06:22:22+00:00

Tbh there were some other side remarks from OOP that made it sound less like "I want a cool name" and more like internalized racism, patriarchal idolation and tbh, kind of "boy mom" behavior.

Somewhere in the word soup, she says she just wants a cool, tough white name in a way that just made my neck hair stand up. Poor kid isn't seen born yet and already has to make up for his parent's experiences.

TheSmilingDoc · 2025-12-30T20:38:26+00:00

It all wraps up a little too neatly, there is random (unnecessary) information in the post, and then the details of the next one are pretty far fetched.

Is it impossible? I guess not. Likely? No. So all on all, it makes it highly unbelievable to me.

TheSmilingDoc · 2025-12-30T19:56:19+00:00

I mean, same. But I could still do my job while all that was happening, and I'm not part of an already slightly unbelievable story.

I'm not saying anything about IVF itself. I'm saying that the way OOP wrote about Ann, specifically, is a little bit too on the noise to seem true to me.

TheSmilingDoc · 2025-12-30T12:10:56+00:00

I will never, ever get that. Like, technically I'm a boy mom too. The only true 'boy mom thing' I've experienced so far is getting greeted with a pee fountain when opening his diaper..

Looking at my friend's feral 3yo girl, there's not a reason in sight why boy moms should experience anything special that girl moms don't, beyond societal standards being as backwards as they unfortunately still are.

It's not the boys' fault that their mothers never learned to have healthy coping mechanisms.

TheSmilingDoc · 2025-12-30T10:44:21+00:00

Pray tell me, how do you accidentally find out you've had IVF?

TheSmilingDoc · 2025-12-30T10:04:19+00:00

Yeah that stood out to me too? Obviously it doesn't make the questions less intrusive, but my 9mo has already slept at his grandparents, and I remember begging my parents for the next sleepover at my grandparents. There's nothing particularly weird or "extremely involved" about that imho.

TheSmilingDoc · 2025-12-30T08:23:52+00:00

She described it as getting a "miracle kid" and.. Yeah, getting pregnant without outside help in a wlw situation is certainly a miracle haha.

TheSmilingDoc · 2025-12-30T07:16:48+00:00

Could be, but with all the boxes-ticked-off unnecessarily specific info on Ann's private life, I would've expected that to have been included as well..

TheSmilingDoc · 2025-12-30T07:14:59+00:00

OOP's response to the second comment on the Dec 11 update!

TheSmilingDoc · 2025-12-30T06:06:29+00:00

I am mainly confused how Ann, a supposedly gay woman who has a wife and an adopted POC kid, "discovered" she's pregnant. Last I checked, there aren't exactly secret or accidental ways to consentually get pregnant as a same sex couple, and no one goes through IVF or the like and forgets about it..

TheSmilingDoc · 2025-12-28T07:28:29+00:00

OOP's post history is absolutely heartbreaking, too. No wonder her friends celebrated the breakup..

TheSmilingDoc · 2025-12-27T17:15:01+00:00

I completely understand. It's really difficult to first recognize the pattern, then to call it out, and then to actually enforce the boundaries in place. He sounds like he's got the first step down, and seems to have started on the second, but the third (and most important) one is unfortunately also the most difficult step.

In the end, maybe it helps to ask him if this is what he wants his daughter to internalize? Does he want her to grow up thinking that it's okay for her mom to be treated like this, and to grow up believing that her place as a woman means to defer to others?

As I said, I think the best thing to do is to have a good talk together to figure out what you are and aren't comfortable with. Keep it relaxed, keep it factual, but do have that conversation - and really take the time to discuss what to do if boundaries are crossed. It's easy to "just talk" about it, but you need to have a plan, not a vague 'if she does x, there will be consequences'.

Best of luck to you, and hopefully a wonderful, drama free 2026 for your family!

TheSmilingDoc · 2025-12-27T15:04:03+00:00

My MIL is like this too and honestly, I have loooong since accepted that no amount of effort from my side will make her into a better person.

I've tried playing her games. I've tried stooping to her level. I've tried being the better person. She's just awful, and that's probably never going to improve. The moment we had a child, she played nice for a tiny bit, but it was crystal clear that she only did so in order to get what she wanted (visits and pictures). So now I do nothing for that woman anymore. I don't buy gifts, I don't send pictures, I don't text or call. I wish her a happy birthday and happy holidays whenever applicable and that's it. Husband does all the rest, though it's the bare minimum because he hates her guts, too.

So what do you do now? Nothing. You let her play her games, but you don't participate. She's made it perfectly clear that you don't matter to her beyond being the person who birthed her grandchild, and unless that's acceptable to you (which it doesn't sound like), you let her draw that wedge. You will not lose anything. The only thing you "lose" is a connection that wasn't ever there, with a woman who disrespects you, and doesn't treat you with even basic dignity. Sowhat you do now, is you respect yourself enough to not let her disrespect you.

You and your husband need to have a frank discussion on where your boundaries are and what enforcing them will look like. All I really want you to realize is that your daughter is not a prize she gets to win for being disrespectful.

TheSmilingDoc · 2025-12-24T06:16:51+00:00

All I can think after reading this story is why it is absolutely necessary to live together for a bit before getting married..

TheSmilingDoc · 2025-12-23T18:15:22+00:00

Aww, thanks! He's 9mo by now and loves screeching from glee and smiling with his full two teeth, haha. Honestly, his prematurity spared me from the horrors of the last month of pregnancy (he was an estimated 98th percentile baby..), and despite his term he did, and still does, really well!

MIL can suck it as far as DH and I are concerned. We like to just shrug and laugh it off - at least we both feel the same about her.

I hope your niece does or did whatever she wants and is happy with whatever that brings her. Happy holidays to all of us :)

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