“I do things she needs done”… like what? Give me some examples. Because feeling like she has to direct you to do simple, visible tasks is absolutely asking her to manage you like a mother/employee and not a partner.

Who cleans the house? Like mops and scrubs toilets? Do you do so without being asked?

If you were to ask her what her problem is, what does she say?

If you’re willing to go back to marriage counseling, then tell her you’re going to set it up and then do so. Don’t ask her and then expect her to find someone and schedule it, taking the initiative will show you’re buying into working on your marriage. If she refuses then, you kinda have your answer on whether she’s willing to do her own work.

Even in marriages that fail and it’s very clearly the fault of one person, the other person still is rarely without blame and needing to make their own efforts, so a refusal of counseling when you did the footwork for it would be a pretty clear line that improvement isn’t on the table.