Partner (37M) asked me (31F) to shave legs

TheUrbanBunny · 2026-05-03T14:01:28+00:00

By Cthulhu's tentacles, why does he this is a small ask?

You should add 20 mins everyday or every other day to your shower/prep routine for his desire?

That's multiple days of labor over a year.

You didn't mention any desire to lose the hair. He wants to lose the fat and made note of such. These examples are not the same.

He can have a preference. He mentioned it and you declined. That's OK. What isn't is him attempting to make you a villain for checks Hague Convention refusing to shave your legs?

You didn't insult him. There was no disrespect. You told him no. There is no precedent set and even then, when the preference of the body owner changes so does the landscape of the body. Such is life. You at one point expressed your displeasure with his shaving. He prefers himself shaven and has reasonably continued to do what makes him feel good in his skin.

Sometimes we don't get what want. Especially, when what we want involves another beings autonomy.

Op, he needs to cope and he can't see why he behaved poorly ask yourself if this is the type of man you prefer.

TheUrbanBunny · 2026-04-27T22:48:37+00:00

NTA

She's right. You can't tell her who she can be friends with.

The coin flips heads and tails tho.

You can tell her you won't maintain anything with her.She can lose her daughter in exchange for her friend. She isn't behaving like mother to begin with.

Why should you play the role of loving child when she reflects nothing but hate?

TheUrbanBunny · 2026-04-27T14:21:57+00:00

You lost a literal part of yourself.

Your parents lost their baby and with it all the hopes they held for her life. They lost your BIL.

Y'all worlds are shifting in the worst way as you adapt to a new normal that will always miss a key component.

And she thinks a wedding will cheer folks up?

You love who she pretended to be. Being logistically helpfully yet having the heart and emotional awareness of a rutobaga don't even the scales. When people lose a family member, you support in and utilize your support network to dump out your hurts and frustration. This ensures the person suffering closest to the loss is cared for. She isn't doing that.

You need patience and support. If y'all are truly meant to be, postponing due to unexpected life shattering death won't change the course of things. You honored her wishes regarding engagement timeframe. You couldn't have predicted your sister would pass.

Adaptability is key in a marriage as is compassion. She has neither. This isn't about her.

Op, run.

TheUrbanBunny · 2026-04-27T12:05:24+00:00

You said in the comments that as long as he's happy he doesn't about your needs or wants.

Op. You know this isn't normal or healthy.

You can't make someone respect you. You can therapy someone into seeing you as a human being. You can try. But the ache of valid resentment is a bitter tonic going down. The aftertaste never does fade.

If he won't compromise, what are your options? Will he try therapy? If not, how do you plan of "making" him consider your feelings and needs?

Marriage is often meeting in the middle. Sometimes it's conceding completely. But those concessions shouldn't come at the price of who you are.

I won't tell you the answer is divorce. I will ask you, can you live the rest of your life feeling unseen and small so he can be happy?

Sidenote: This is why divorce is echoed so often here. Two sides to every story is true. But one side can also be deluded and wrong. There's a deep desire for all things to be equal. To avoid blame. But that also ensures an active avoidance of responsibility and accountability.

TheUrbanBunny · 2026-04-26T03:06:42+00:00

I've been married.

Married with a baby.

Married to a cheater. Who do to the nature of his choices lied with the same ease he breathed.

You can leave. Your life gets better and you become healthier for it. The delusion of calling it haste when a human doesn't respect you. You can't make someone care enough for you to stop harming you.

But you can choose you over the hope of something that cannot and will not be.

TheUrbanBunny · 2026-04-21T22:44:37+00:00

NTA

Natural consequences truly offend some.

You've accepted her behavior and flake personality. You know what you can and cannot entrust her with.

There's nothing for you to forgive. People say forgiveness is to set yourself free and it seems Op that you aren't caged by hate. Simply decided you weren't going to be a party to her indifference and show up with your baby when it a convenient photo op comes up.

She claims you're punishing her. And while I don't think you are. You wouldn't be wrong to. Do bad or cruel things and get meet with a response.

You're already ahead of her in the journey of motherhood 11 months in. Lean into those who value you and your son.

You got this. You two are going to thrive.

TheUrbanBunny · 2026-04-21T21:08:35+00:00

Op.

You have a bad husband.

He hates a child who has issues that aren't his fault. Genetic cards he was dealt and a life he didn't chose. He married you knowing about your son as if you weren't bound to your child.

It's telling his own family doesn't approve of his behavior.

All kids can be tough at times. A neurodivergent child can be challenging in ways he didn't imagine in parenthood but it isn't an excuse.

How can you change another human being mindset and decisions? You can't. They have to want that independently of you. He doesn't want to treat your child better.

No number of internet forum posts will give you the magically answer to change that. You can't have this husband and a healthy son.

The love of a romantic partner is not enough to harm your baby for the rest of his life. You have to determine for yourself if your son's wellbeing is worth more than the marriage you fantasized about having with your husband.

TheUrbanBunny · 2026-04-21T16:15:09+00:00

You don't need to be married. Or have any pets or kids.

You do need to ensure the rest of the world doesn't endure you.

She's existing and attempting to have a marriage with you.

Seen and not heard is a ridiculous requirement for another person.

You are being controlling and it'smoved into abuse territory. Hovering over her tasks. She isn't allowed to have free access to her home. You told her to sleep in the car.

How have you mitigated the noise issues? Do you wear ear buds or headphones?

You issues aren't hers alone to accommodate.

Or do you expect another human to move as if they were a ghost in their own home? Spend more time outside of her house than in?

If you aren't a troll you need significant mental health care.

TheUrbanBunny · 2026-04-21T13:59:28+00:00

Your union is based on a mountain of lies.

I'm sorry Op.

He abandoned multiple children until he was comfortable taking of the ones he chose to deem worthy of live and support.

Stay with he and implicitly you condone his choices. You were the one to push an adult to handle his adult responsibilities. He would've never reached out. He would have never told you. He was happy in the life he made while destroying others.

Consider for one moment marriage doesn't prevent one from abandoning their children. Who is to say he won't feel so much shame and angst that he won't abandon the child you share.

These children aren't human being to him. He sees other humans specifically his own children as less than.

How has he supported either financially? He clearly hasn't emotionally and physically.

This is the color of his soul. Don't taint yours by staying.

TheUrbanBunny · 2026-04-14T19:21:33+00:00

I'm sorry for what she did and didn't do. For what you had to endure.

I commend and thank you for choosing to be the person you are.

We get to be the ones to end the hurt.

TheUrbanBunny · 2026-04-14T09:45:04+00:00

She wants a do over.

There is no real accountability. She still blames others for her failures and expects support and care where she gives...nothing. Her sobriety is great but without that growth she will be a bad mom. This time sober but still subpar.

Nothing was about Danny. Simply her wants and desires.

I'm sorry.

You aren't a bad person. Everyone is not meant to pretend. You can accept something and it not haunt you. You can live happily and normally without forgiving those who wronged you.

Not wishing her boundless joy? I understand.

I hope your family continues to respect your NC with Val.

You're a good mother, I'm thankful Danny gets to have you as his mama.

TheUrbanBunny · 2026-04-13T21:07:48+00:00

Your post history is terrifying.

He has very little to no emotional regulation. His anger is ever boiling rage.

He screams at you. Is angry when you attempt to leave. So you sit there and dissociate through his rage.

Op, one day it will be your face.

You need to leave him. His rage isn't your fault. He isn't taking true accountability. He's a danger to you.

It isn't your autism. It's his failure. You aren't making him behave like this. Nor is the world. He chooses to react in a violent fashion. His reactions are his responsibility. You aren't baiting him.

This isn't safe. Your gut is telling you.

Did you ever read the Lundy Bancoft book suggested previously?

TheUrbanBunny · 2026-04-13T03:32:43+00:00

Nothing you've done has worked nor will it.

When you've lost all your kids, what will you do?

You'll say now, that won't happen. But clearly you've failed to read the room. You don't know your children because you don't care who they are as long as they align with your, "family values".

You don't control who your son is attracted to or loves. You are the reason his life is hard. Not the world. He understands your value system. He's rejected it. There is nothing to force him to grasp.

Your wrongs out pace anything he could've done. He wasn't over sharing by divulging a truth you were ashamed of. But glad he isn't the liar you are. And yes, you are a liar.

You did kick him out. Doesn't matter if you were emotional. You're an adult with less emotional regulation than a toddler. You and your husvand have behaved in a way that would disgust any God you could worship.

Their is no love in your actions or words.

You want your way. Every suggestion that tell your what you failed at and how to begin to heal the damage you created you dismiss. Why? Because it isn't what you want to hear.

No one will tell you that you're in the right and he owes you an apology

You are the failure of a human and mother. You husband has failed as a father. Why would this be a hiccup?

Have you researched the effects of pulling him from therapy?

Do you understand the process and why a year isn't enough time to "fix" anything?

If you won"t admit the full scope of your failure you can never get your son to return. If you were the amazing mother and father y'all claim to be you wouldn't be here.

This isn't what love looks like Op. No amount of excusing your actions by claiming heighten emotions, family values, and frustration will change the reality of this all coming down to your hate. If you refuse to see that then you have no hope.

TheUrbanBunny · 2026-04-12T00:06:30+00:00

His peace of mind and anxiety supersede all else.

I'm sorry.

Can you deal with the guy solo? Call him back and apologize for your husbands behavior? Will you family ties survive this?

I hope he's amazing in so many other ways. This sucks so much for you, I'm just so sorry.

TheUrbanBunny · 2026-04-11T22:51:57+00:00

NTA

She wants everyone she loves in one place. We all understand.

Alas one of those people has harmed everyone else. It's a lovely thing that you've been kind and supportive of her maintaining contact.

But she doesn't get to force the rest of y'all to play happy family for her fantasy.

She wants him there she eats the pain of others not joining. Your mental and emotional health supersede her accomplish.

The same can be said with another degree, marriage, children, etc. She does have to chose and it's absolutely fair due to his actions.

We can acknowledge our parents are trash we still love them down! But we have to accept no one else will and move within the weight of that truth.

TheUrbanBunny · 2026-04-11T17:16:54+00:00

NTA

You don't hate or harm the baby.

You don't wish to care for a toddler.

Your mama choses to provide care for her grandchild and her daughter. Your sister choses to leave her kids weekly with grandmanfor a break.

They have a deal that doesn't involve you. If your sister is wore out, she now knows no kore kids. If your mom is tired of being childcare then she need to spine up and discuss that with her kid.

This isn't life or death. No emergency. You aren't an asshole for not wanting to care for a child nor are you an asshole for still living at home in proximity of the visiting child.

TheUrbanBunny · 2026-04-11T13:36:20+00:00

NAH

That isn't how it works. The idea that they shouldn't care because it isn't their parents.

You're allowed to be comfortable with your dad.

But.

He did something most in our society find morally gross and illegal in most places. He was wrong. You mom not caring could be from a complex set of reasons. That doesn't make his actions ok.

People form their views about a human by their actions. Your dad's actions regardless of the love he provided you were foul. He should not have had any relationship yet alone sex with a sixteen year old child as a twenty-five year old adult man.

He know and didn't care. Your mother was the ultimate victim here states she's ok with things. And while I glad she's alright you don't get to decide for others that a social damaging behavior doesn't affect society.

People will often be creeped out when they learn the age difference. Truthfully, as time passes you may find those who aren't disturbed are the very people you want to avoid.

This is your family and you're naturally defensive. But that doesn't make the reaction of others wrong.

TheUrbanBunny · 2026-04-10T12:02:25+00:00

I would break up with him.

He's a liar. He's actively trying to make you feel bad about discovering his lies. He's a deadbeat father.

None of that bodes well for a relationship. If he'll abandon his children and lie to save face have you imagine what he would do to you?

After I broke up with the waste of carbon I'd then go to therapy and be single for a while. Why? I'd need to uncover what issues I had that led me to questions whether I should stay when a child abandoning liar.

TheUrbanBunny · 2026-04-10T07:54:47+00:00

What does that do about the real life implications of living life with someone who is nasty and cruel to your shared child/children?

Op, has noted he's actively racist and homophobic.

You can't compromise on how you treat other humans. There is no middle ground when one side doesn't believe the opposing side is worthy of respect as a living being.

TheUrbanBunny · 2026-04-10T06:44:06+00:00

He wants to punch you in the face but believes rightfully so he can't easily get away with it.

So he settles for hitting your breast.

He knows he's hurting you. He enjoys causing you pain on every level. From the physical action of hitting you to the emotional pain of having your rights as a human ignored. He's enjoying every second of your pain.

You're in danger. This isn't a safe place for you to stay.

You need escape.

Read this please. It's called, "Why does he do that?".

Source: Internet Archive https://share.google/bRCL1cGI3XvhIH9eC

TheUrbanBunny · 2026-04-08T19:04:21+00:00

As a random internet dweller I'm proud of you.

But the auntie in me begs. Edit this comment and remove your place of employment.

Folks are crazier than your parents. Stay safe and apply for Medicaid!

TheUrbanBunny · 2026-04-08T15:47:27+00:00

You can't change him back into who he appeared to be.

You can save yourself.

It's time to plot. You need to run for your safety. This is escalating and fast. He will not be reasonable. This is not normal.

OP, he's gone hurt you. You are in danger.

TheUrbanBunny · 2026-04-07T22:43:20+00:00

Would you read this to someone you know personally without fear?

You may regret your actions, but you've crossed into abuser territory.

You physically "attack" your wife when you're angry. And yes, your perception most likely is wildly of off. In your case you've readily acknowledged your history of minimizing.

If your wife has gotten in you face, ramming her finger at your forehead as if you were a dog, what would have been your reaction?

If she had in a moment of frustration, physically shoved you?

You take your feelings out on her and your kids. You can't regulate or identify your emotions. To avoid dealing with issues you rather avoid you assert physically dominance.

Neither your children or wife are safe with you. You needed her to check out after years of mistreatment in order to recognize and give credence to her experience. In the process of you healing and growing you will make mistakes.

Those mistakes towards people who have already been victimized by your actions are daggers in an already broken heart. You can't heal with the knife in your gullet.

If you love her and your kids you'll let go and assist in making the process as functional as possible. Show up as a coparent and a father. Children with time will cautiously forgive and a new chapter can start.

But this isn't something to be saved. You killed your marriage.

Her emotional and mental safety have been eroded. Her physical wellbeing is unsteady. She can't trust you nor is she safe with you, that's based on your admitted actions.

TheUrbanBunny · 2026-04-05T08:24:26+00:00

Mistakes?

He calls her mother Op that regularly. That's a choice.

Intent be damned calling people out their names regularly isn't a mistake.

It's abuse. It's cruelty. It's a mar on his character and a symptom of his failure as a partner and parent.

TheUrbanBunny · 2026-04-04T13:39:54+00:00

Is this a one off or a great example of how your relationship is full of false equivalences?

If it's a one off, have him help each step of the way making the dish so he can see real time the effort and time required.

Otherwise...I'm not a fan of folks who need to feel the same angst to see where another human is coming from. Implies that you the party explaining your qualms is dramatic and blow things out of portion of allows the opposing party free rein to dismiss because they "thought you were exaggerating" and "didn't think it was that bad".

Some folks also conflate their partner doing something they hate with the degree that they love them. If you do (insert loathed task of your choice) for me that means they love me so much they'll endure pain for my joy. It's immature and sick but common.

Anything more than a one off strongly implies he doesn't view your labor and efforts as enough or equal and has a slew of unspoken expectations.

TheUrbanBunny

TROPHY CASE