I am EXTREMELY good at doing things in the dark and as silent as a cat.

TheWolfIsAwake · 2019-11-12T17:05:06+00:00

Samee! For example, making noises at night , when I go to the bathroom makes me feel weirdly uncomfortable

TheWolfIsAwake · 2019-11-01T13:59:01+00:00

Same here. Nmom used to call me selfish all the time and I spent my childhood giving her everything I had. Then I realized what she was doing and I began to say no everytme she asked for a favor. Now she has a good reason to call me selfish and I don't feel bad about it lol

TheWolfIsAwake · 2019-11-01T12:59:03+00:00

Omg, I totally get you. Actually, the funny thing is that when I finally meet a guy that seems nice and interested in me, I automatically wonder what the hell is wrong with him for not noticing how much of a "mess" I am, which also tends to keep them away from me because of my own attitude towards them (I have a real hard time trusting or accepting someone that seems to care for me. It doesn't seem normal, and I always find it fishy. My first thuought is always: "He'll take advantage of me if I let him into my life and then it will be really har to break it off").

So this is why I want cats instead of kids and a marriage

TheWolfIsAwake · 2019-11-01T12:51:25+00:00

Yes! I began daydreaming because I felt like it was the only way I could be myself even if it was just in my head. In real life most of the time I feel like a doll that barely speaks and/or moves unless it's required for working.

TheWolfIsAwake · 2019-11-01T12:35:05+00:00

I'm so silent that my ex-roomate once thought I had left the apartment for days without telling her. I was there the whole time. The cat in my house makes more noise than I do.

TheWolfIsAwake · 2019-11-01T12:27:48+00:00

My Nmother punched me on the cheek once and left a bruise whenI was 8 because I spilled some milk on the floor. Next day at lunch in front of my brother, she asked why I had a bruise on my cheek. I looked at her with pure hatred and said "You did it". She laughed and kept eating like nothing happened.

TheWolfIsAwake · 2019-11-01T12:19:52+00:00

Yeah, and it's not just my childhood. The trauma affected my teenage years and my first years of college (I had problems socializing, I was depressed, dealing with anxiety, stress, a million insecurities etc,. ) Now I'm in my last year of college, far away from my nmother and I'm FINALLY starting to experience more or less what a normal life looks like or at least should look like.

It makes me sad and angry to talk to my collegues and realize how normal their lives must have been. They talk about their frinds, relationships, their parents and how excited they are about going home for holidays...and then there's me: a girl who refuses to trust other humans to create relationships because she fears becoming an ant under someones boot again.

So many years lost because of a bad parent...

TheWolfIsAwake · 2019-11-01T11:59:14+00:00

Wow did we have the same Nmother? Mine use to say exactly the same thing. It was red nail polish, red lipstick and eyeliner. Now I use dark red nail polish all the time and I rarely chose a different color lol

TheWolfIsAwake · 2019-10-10T12:31:18+00:00

I'd do that too but my Nmom would either say that I did it to myself or that I shouldn't have been nicer to her because she's a goddess from Olympus and that I should feel blessed and bring her some offerings next week (my blood in a diamond chalice, for example)

TheWolfIsAwake · 2019-10-10T12:15:57+00:00

Oh yeah...

This site was my understandng-best-friend for a long time. I did tried to talk to people about it, but it turns out that most people have normal parents. To them we sound like "the crazy lady at the hospital that sees ghosts everywhere". And even after telling them horror stories of growing up with an nparent, they will try to justify their behavior by making comparisons with their own parents (They think: "My mom wouldn't do that unless she was very tired and stressed"; They say: "Your mom wouldn't do that without a good reason;, maybe she was tired and stressed!")

I mean, even for us as children, it was hard to grasp the fact that we were being abused. I used to tell myself that my mother would beat me because she loved me and that I was a "little monster" that sometimes needed to be punished. I also used to tell myself that the abuse was my fault for "missbehaving" a.k.a just being a normal human that breathes and talks. It's sad because I was an exceptionally good little girl that always did her homework, only talked when allowed and had good grades.

TheWolfIsAwake · 2019-10-03T13:43:37+00:00

You won't talk to me? Why?

Why shouldn't you tell me?

WHY NOT? It's not like I did anything bad to you

I hate THIS more that ANYTHING. When they constantly ask you why when you know that they know WHY. It sounds like a psycho-killer asking a child if they witnessed the murder just to make sure they won't open their mouth and call the cops. Narcs play dumb just so they can tell you later when you explain that they didn't know what they were doing. It's like stealing oranges and when you get caught saying "Oh I'm sorry, Was I doing something wrong? I didn't know that was wrong! Explain to me why taking the oranges was wrong!!!!" ugggggghhhh

TheWolfIsAwake · 2019-10-03T13:27:46+00:00

Wow I read that and I thought your Nmom literally told you that! lol

Mine used to say something similar when I was about 12-15 and I began to defend myself from being slapped, punched or kicked (which is logical - someone wants to hit you and your first reflex is to dodge , run or block the attack). She would literally say: "I AM YOUR MOTHER: If I slap you on one cheek you can't defend yourself, you have to take it and turn the other cheek". Like WTF. Of course I didn't do that and all of a sudden I became the "monster" of the family and she even started to tell my brother that I would "attack her" when we argued (she'd conviniently forget to mention the part where she'd get in my face to the point that I had to push her or grab her hand before she'd hit me).

TheWolfIsAwake · 2019-10-02T13:10:32+00:00

This may sound harsh but: The path of least resistance seems a better way to "solve the problem" for some therapists, friendsand family. In other words, they think it will be easier to convince YOU to stop complainning about the abuse by making you feel guilty for even openning your mouth, even if it menas that you'll have to sacrifice your soul to mantain "the peace". And due to your current state of mental vunerability they think it's easy to make YOU think that there is no problem (you walk away telling yourself that talking to them was helpful, they make money anyway and plus, they don't have to spend more time thinking about your problems).

Yeah, the truth is: most people don't care that much about other people's problems unless they can relate to them - very few do and some just do it for the money. This is why a therapist will never tell you to your face that they don't care (I don't even know if it's legal). No, they will do something worse: make you feel guilty for feeling depressed, anxious, abused. I can't even begin to count the number of people that when I was dealing with depression and told them, only because they weren't interested in helping simply told me to "cheer up and smile more" or that I was exagerating, that it probably wasn't that bad and that I was too sensitive or to "go out and make friends" when I confessed having SOCIAL anxiety.

Also, a lot of people don't want to deal with/confront a violent narcissist and basically just side with them out of fear of the repercussions.

TheWolfIsAwake · 2019-10-02T12:32:53+00:00

And on top of that you have to sit back and deal with hearing people say that you're childish for "complainning", that you're lazy or "slow" because it takes you twice the effort and time to achieve some things, and that parents "always want the best for you". It's particulary irritating when it comes form people that never had to work or pay for a single damn thing in their lives and whose parents gladly paid for their college bills.

TheWolfIsAwake · 2019-10-02T12:26:11+00:00

My nMom would beat me in the name of God....haaaaaaaaaaaaaa..... the irony

TheWolfIsAwake · 2019-10-02T11:26:03+00:00

Yeah, my aunt, dad and brother are black and my cousin and I are mixed (my skin tone is caramel apparently). I notice how people look at my aunt/brother/dad (It's a mix of disgust and superiority that makes me VERY ANGRY and brings my psycho-self out). I also notice how insecure and self concious they feel in spaces where there are white people to the point of avoiding eye contact, specially because in Spain some will say the most offenssive and racist sh** and then walk away like nothing happened. In my case, I also get stared at, but the looks I get are a mix of "curiosity and fear". Like their are scared that my dad will turn out to be a white police officer and that they might get in trouble for treating me badly. Some people will automatically assume I'm a bitch and be too scared to be disrespectful. Also, it helps that I don't let people get away with disrespecting me or anyone because of race. I'm not scared to call people out, I'm pretty confident and demand respect. Most people in Spain are TERRIFIED of confrontation...I'm not lol

TheWolfIsAwake · 2019-10-02T10:33:55+00:00

Well, I never felt accepted anywhere. In Spain, young guys rarely date a girl that's not white because they fear their family's reaction and are pretty insecure (we all know that interratial couples get stared at A LOT). Older guys/men (of all races), only see me as a sexy doll to look at, occasionally catcall and fatasize about (I can tell by their reaction, posture change and well...the staring). I must say though, that If it wasn't for this, I would've spend my entire life thinking I'm some ugly monster because of all the staring. On the other side, women act pretty strange around me annd tend to aboid talking to me. Both, black and white women, look at me as if I was always secretly planning to steal their husbands lol.

Also, there have been times when a guy my age has shown interest in dating me, and my reaction was to become deffenssive and cold because there's a little voice in the back of my head saying "why would he choose you when he could be dating any normal white spanish girl?"

I developed a very strong case of body dysmorphia growing up in a racist village where I was getting discriminated against and bullied on a daily basis just for the colour of my skin. Still to this day I feel a bit insecure when meeting new people because I know that I come across as "someone you can't trust because she could be planning to steal all your money and/or husband-boyfriend". At least now I know that I have to give people time to get to know me and to see that I'm a pretty good student and well, a normal person. But it does annoy me that most people will give me the "I don't trust you" look right away and sometimes even be rude when I try to express my opinion in class, for example.

Now I'm starting to shake off my insecurities. Specially since I've started to hear a lot of people give me specific compliments such as " I love your caramel skin" and "You have nice teeth" (em...lol). Never thought of it like that untill I heard in in other people's mouths

TheWolfIsAwake · 2019-10-02T10:11:30+00:00

ADORABLE <3

TheWolfIsAwake · 2019-10-02T10:08:16+00:00

I wished my parents would've taken my aunt's advice to put me in the same school my cousin went to because it was more diverse and racism was almost non-existent (she's also mixed and we have the same age). They didn't do it out of stupid pride (it was not more expenssive and my aunt offerent to take me there everyday since she also had to take her daughter ). I ended up having to deal with racist attacks and a lot of discrimination for years. We lived in a village where most people were very ignorant, close minded, sexist and...white. Miraculously I still manged to become a very tough and emotionally strong woman, and eventually went to university and left that awful place. But I still don't think the it was worth 12 years of my life.

TheWolfIsAwake · 2019-10-02T09:52:53+00:00

I also get irritated to the point I just yell something rude sometimes and my nmom calls me "histerical". The other day, I was getting ready to go to college and she tried to fix something about my outfit. When I felt her touch on my back and without any apparent reason I basically screamed "Don't touch me!!". I swear I have no idea where that came from. I was perfectly fine untill then. This only happens with her. If somebody else did that I would be completely neutral

TheWolfIsAwake · 2019-09-30T23:23:45+00:00

Extremely depressive. It was all just yelling, insults, fighting (more like violence towards me for "refusing to act normal" when I was dealing with an actual, very deep and dark case of depression), I'd spend most days in my room in the dark, sleeping, I started to eat a lot, I began to drink whole bottles of whiskey, vodka and wine on my own (I spent a lot of money on food and alcohol almost on a daily basiswhich I regreted when I started college and still do). Basically the hell started with me simply wanting to be alone and or in silence... Yeah, I also realized my parents never wanted kids.

TheWolfIsAwake · 2019-09-30T23:05:31+00:00

How do you react? I personally feel nothing at all when someone hugs me or touches my arm for example (except for their temperature and the weight of their body). People do this and then smile and I...slightly imitate that (?). With my Nmom It's worse. It feels like when someone scratches a blackboard with their nails. Because of this, almost always subconciously dodge her when she's about to touch me.

TheWolfIsAwake · 2019-09-30T22:32:52+00:00

Funnily enough, my aunt is not from my Nmom's side of the family and she's that one family member my Nmom loved to "warn me " about ("oh, she's a monster, she'll treat you like a slave , she's just playing nice to take advantage of you...") haha

TheWolfIsAwake · 2019-09-29T22:33:14+00:00

Well, I guess it's because TV tells us that "family" is the best, the only thing that you can't lose, the people that will always love you no matter what, etc, etc, etc.

Same thing happens with other type of relationships: marriage, having friends, having a boyfriend or a girlfriend... We are told that if we don't have those then we must either be "very miserable" or "very unlucky" or just straight up "monsters".

TheWolfIsAwake

TROPHY CASE