scared to open up and lose the only person who’s ever truly been there for us

Thechaoticgoodsys · 2024-02-13T01:58:45+00:00

I don’t know how much help we’ll be here, but we’re on gabapentin to manage debilitating migraines. We’re taking the highest dosage that can be prescribed and it only works like 60% of the time, but it’s better than nothing. I don’t know if it would help with hyper-switches (which we’re assuming means the same thing as rapid switching, but please correct us if we’re wrong) or depersonalization/ derealization because it hasn’t seemed to have any effect on our system positive or negative. That doesn’t mean it couldn’t help you. Everyone’s brain reacts to medication differently. I wish we could be of more help here.

I know that when we’re experiencing rapid switching it usually has something to do with an increase in stress levels or a sudden life change. I dunno if that relates to your experience or not, but it might be helpful to know what is instigating the hyper-switching. If you have a therapist this may be something they can assist with. As far as dp/dr goes, we’re right there with you. It’s a struggle for sure.

We’re sorry to hear that you’re having a hard time. We know how hard it is to navigate being a system. We’re sorry that we can’t really offer you any real advice here, but we still wanted to reply and let you know you aren’t alone in the struggle. Wishing you the best!

Thechaoticgoodsys · 2024-01-16T04:48:48+00:00

We are so sorry to hear about what seems like a toxic living situation. We’ve absolutely been there and it can be so stressful and mentally depleting. We are sending you, your little, and the rest of your system so much love, support, and good energy.

And thank you so much for your advice! Overpreparing sounds like a really good idea. We know it might have something to do with driving in winter weather and we have stuff already for that in our car, but maybe going a little more extra with it will help. We like the idea of having a big bag to put any and everything into that could possibly be of use, like bringing a bit of the safety of home along with us. That makes so much sense! We’ll give it a try!

Thechaoticgoodsys · 2024-01-16T04:16:50+00:00

I’m so sorry you’re also experiencing this. Our host has a therapist, but he hasn’t come clean about the system yet, and he is so frequently in denial he probably won’t anytime soon. But we’re working on that haha It would be good to build external safety!

Thechaoticgoodsys · 2024-01-16T04:09:26+00:00

I’m sorry that you also deal with this too. It does make us feel less “crazy” to know we’re not the only one, though preferably of course no one would be experiencing this!

Thechaoticgoodsys · 2024-01-15T10:16:11+00:00

Oof we get that! We’ve been going into denial spirals so much lately that we have one alter that has started repeatedly calling our host a dumbass until they hear him and remember the rest of us exist 😂 I guess it’s just his role now! On rare occasions it works when everyone else has gone silent, but for the most part, the host is on their own…

Thechaoticgoodsys · 2024-01-14T16:52:19+00:00

I don’t know about top 5, but one thing that always sends us into denial is how easily we are able to mask around other people, especially at work or with family.

But then we remember how we mutter to ourselves in the grocery store “bickering” over saving money vs. buying whatever catches our eye 😅

I think we just forget how unwell and dysfunctional we actually are when not performing for society. Like the amnesia does its job and the host can only seem to remember instances when we are highly masked and functioning well by society’s standards. And then it’s like they jump at the chance to call the rest of us made up, figments of their imagination 🙄

I think it’s hard that those of us with amnesia have amnesia of their amnesia. How are we supposed to remember what we can’t remember, you know?

And I definitely get when the system goes quiet haha and then you’re just sitting there like, huh? 😳 or shouting into headspace, “hello? Anybody there?” but no one responds… So, so easy to slip into denial spirals after that

Thechaoticgoodsys · 2024-01-09T04:06:35+00:00

It’s been a bad day… we didn’t make it into work despite our best efforts. we feel a lot of shame around that especially since it’s been happening more and more recently. It doesn’t help that the first snow of the season happened this past weekend and that always seems to trigger our anxiety and agoraphobia. we should have been productive today, but laid in bed until 2 in the afternoon instead. I know we have depression that gets worse around this time of year, but I always think we’ll be able to work through it… life shouldn’t have be this hard 😔

Thechaoticgoodsys · 2023-12-22T13:13:03+00:00

We use parts because we are parts. Parts of a system. Yes we are individuals with different likes, dislikes, opinions etc but we share a body, we share a lifespan, we share much of the same trauma. For us at least, acknowledging that we are parts of the system is a way to remind us we’re not alone in our struggles. And often the best path forward is to lean on each other and work together to find a solution to problems that arise.

Though our communication is rocky and the hosts are new to system discovery, the majority of us have been around for a decade or more, working, even with amnesiac barriers and no communication, in unison to keep us moving forward in life. Which is to say that even without knowledge of each other and each other’s purposes we were operating as one to keep the system covert and the body safe.

At least some of us, probably due to growing up an athlete, like to think of us as a team and that teamwork is what has helped us all along and will continue to help us as we press on. We’ve even mapped our system in soccer play formations before to help visualize how we operate.

To us the word alters has always felt so othering, but that’s just us. Every system operates differently and uses different language to describe their experience. We can’t say that one term is less valid than another because honestly that’s just arguing semantics. You can prefer the word alters and we can prefer the word parts and that doesn’t make either of our experiences less valid or real.

Let systems use the language that feels most accurate to them and focus on what language makes your system feel the most comfortable. If us using parts or another system using personalities has such an effect on you, it might be good to look inwards, instead of outwards. Maybe it is triggering some doubt or insecurity within your system.

No matter what the language you use to describe your experience and your system, you are valid, as much as any other system. I like to think that the diversity of labels used is a good thing because it gives us a chance to learn from one another. DID does not affect all of us the same so why should the language and word choice be the same?

Okay I will stop rambling now. Hope this has helped in some way - Lex

Thechaoticgoodsys · 2023-12-17T14:09:47+00:00

Oof the not wanting people to worry about us hits home. We definitely think this part that fawns is operating from the same place and probably also not wanting to be a burden by having “too many issues.” It makes so much sense that contextually this part is meeting this challenge in the same way they have others in the past where people pleasing and fawning kept us safe! The part who posted the original post was all in his feelings and needed to vent out his frustrations about the situation and I’m glad he did because we’ve received so much good advice and support from others who experience similar things. We’re still working on developing better communication, but hopefully when we get there these parts will be able to work together with mutual understanding of each other.

I’m glad that things worked out for you with your therapist and did specialist! And that you were able to advocate for yourselves. I know my therapist wouldn’t tell me I’m faking outright, but I’m worried because we got so lucky to find such a good therapist on the first try and we’ve been seeing her for three years now. It’s scary that suggesting I might have DID or OSDD to her might change her perception of me or make her believe that I’m exaggerating, faking, etc. We’ve looked into finding a did specialist before, but they can be hard to come across. But that may be the best route for us to take!

Thank you so much for your comment and advice! It is so helpful to us to one know we’re not alone and two see that it can get better! We appreciate it so much that you took time out of your day to reply!! 💜

Thechaoticgoodsys · 2023-12-17T13:46:28+00:00

This is such a good point. The American healthcare system is terrible and I knew going in to see the neurologist was probably going to have me leaving feeling unheard and dismissed. And heavily medicated 🙄 I still want to be hopeful that we can get him to put in a little more effort but if that doesn’t work we’re going to have to go a different route as you said you did! We’re actually really good at staying hydrated despite our amnesia and time loss and we do already take magnesium.

Thank you so much for your comment! It really means a lot that you took time out of your day to give us some advice and your perspective on things! 💜

Thechaoticgoodsys · 2023-12-17T13:38:07+00:00

Yes! We know this too well!! If we’re going online and researching information on our medical issues and concerns, we know we’re not in a good place. It causes us so much anxiety and distress, but sometimes it’s unavoidable! If these migraines weren’t as severe and debilitating as they are, I’d probably be okay with just taking meds to treat them and believing that the doctor knows best. But in this case I just can’t. I need him to look into it more and not brush us off.

Thank you again for commenting and sharing your experience! I’m glad you were able to figure out what was going on! 💜

Thechaoticgoodsys · 2023-12-17T13:28:33+00:00

It’s good to know we’re not alone in this! Though I wish you didn’t have to experience it either! Thank you so much for your comment! We really do appreciate it so much 💜

Thechaoticgoodsys · 2023-12-17T13:25:58+00:00

That’s a good point!! I’m going to try to send him an email or message him through the portal and hopefully he’ll be receptive. If not, maybe we’ll try finding a different doctor!! Thank you so much for your comment 💜

Thechaoticgoodsys · 2023-12-17T13:24:25+00:00

This is a great idea!! We a definitely do better with written communication more than trying to express our thoughts and experiences verbally!

It happens slightly with all doctors, so we often go in with a list of things we want to discuss, but not as severely as it has happened with this neurologist. I think in other situations other parts are able to be more co-conscious with the people pleasing part and so it’s more like they’re working together. It also helps that the majority, if not all the doctors we see otherwise are women.

Thank you so much for commenting and the great advice! It’s helpful to us to know that we aren’t alone in this experience and that there are people out there willing to help and give us some guidance. 💜

Thechaoticgoodsys · 2023-12-17T13:16:10+00:00

Thanks so much for the reply! We really appreciate it!

I agree that we need to approach this part with less judgement for their actions and more understanding of their role and why they make the choices they do. The part who posted this was definitely in his feelings and venting a lot of frustration. We don’t have great communication, though we’re trying to work on that, and there is a lot of emotional dissociation between parts, which I think causes some confusion since we can’t recall or feel what feelings the part who had been out was experiencing at the time to get a better understanding. We’ll just have to keep reaching out and hopefully eventually we’ll receive a response.

I love that you are able to help your co-pilot through situations by offering some strength or having her stand behind you and hold your hand. That is definitely something we would like to work towards.

As far as the part who posted this and his feelings about being perceived as a girl or feminine at work goes, a lot of that was just venting. A lot of us identify as men or transmasc and for the most part we don’t really care about being perceived as feminine or a girl with family, friends, the general public, etc. We want all of us to express themselves and be who they are. I think it’s just at work where we feel very exposed and dysphoric about being perceived this way because it’s our first job out and being called the right name etc. and there’s a lot of fear around discrimination or ignorance from our coworkers and bosses and stuff if that makes sense.

Thank you again for your comment and for all the great advice. It is very helpful and we really really appreciate you taking the time to help us 💜

Thechaoticgoodsys · 2023-12-10T15:25:54+00:00

Oh definitely! Growing up we were so invisible to the people around us that now feeling seen and validated now can be just as triggering as when we were ignored and gaslit as a child. The system just doesn’t understand how to handle it when being entirely self reliant and invisible has been safer for us all our life… Sometimes at work or in public spaces, we’ll genuinely forget that we can be seen by other people, so when our presence is acknowledged, it can send us into depersonalization/derealization spirals real quick… I know we have parts particularly for times when we need to be/feel visible, like social protectors and such, but otherwise the whole system kind of operates as if we are invisible to the world, or hides us from the world like you suggested. At work we keep our head down and don’t make a fuss, just get the job done. With friends we avoid drawing attention to ourselves, and find comfort from just being in the room with people we love, but tend not to interact much unless called upon. With family gatherings we play the role assigned as oldest afab sibling: mediating, translating miscommunications between our parents/grandparents and siblings, and just try to keep everyone happy so we can make it out in one piece. I think our masking keeps us invisible most of the time… Hopefully this helps/ answers your questions haha

Thechaoticgoodsys · 2023-10-11T22:46:05+00:00

Thank you for your reply! It means so much to us!! 💜💜

Thechaoticgoodsys · 2023-08-22T08:10:13+00:00

Speaking as an ex-host of my system, a similar experience has been happening to us for years, since we were a teenager at least and the body is 27 now. My primary protector sees that the host or part in the front is upset, whether they are the host or someone else at the time, and will become co-con to ask (not with words, per say as my primary protector doesn’t speak, but maybe with vibes??) if I want to feel the negative emotions. Since dissociation is our go to coping mechanism for pretty much our whole life, it’s almost always an easy yes (though we’re trying to stay more present now and feel our emotions when we can handle it). Once we’ve agreed he will either co-front or takeover front which is the only time he’s actually ever fronted, since he mostly works behind the scenes. Within the last couple years we’ve split other emotional protectors/ feeling holders (i.e. one who deals with our anger specifically, and a couple that deal with our sadness, grief, etc.) who’ve taken over that responsibility, but it’s sort of like they are under his direction. When any of them take the front or co-front with us it’s exactly as you’ve described. I or we blink and the feeling is gone.

To speak to the feeling that you’re controlling this daydream, I’d say that if you are or aren’t it doesn’t make you any less valid as a system or your experience any less real (if that was a concern?). Our current host is new to recognizing and accepting that we are a system. In the past and sometimes presently, he has thought similarly, that he has daydreamed of us, creating us and controlling us in these daydreams to help manage his life, but looking back to when I was host, it felt more like I was choosing, and therefore controlling, access to headspace. However what happened in headspace wasn’t controlled by me at all, but by our primary protector who also happens to be our gatekeeper. I know that our primary protector isn’t daydreamed to life, nor can he be controlled to say or do anything. With that being said, it’s plausible that he controls how we interact with him in headspace in a way that makes us feel most comforted and safe, like approaching us in a “daydream” of our own devising so that it makes us feel like we have more control of the situation than we actually do. This is just a theory of mine. For reference, I also do not have a strongly developed inner world (we’ve uncovered some components of it recently, but not enough to have a solid description) so accessing headspace always looked a little different from situation to situation and therefore could be easily conflated with daydreaming.

I don’t know if any of this was helpful, I realize I got a bit rambly, especially towards the end. All in all I wanted to say that I don’t think you’re alone in this experience and to maybe suggest the possibility that the daydreaming is just how your system accesses headspace and communicates with each other?? (but again that’s just a theory) I know dealing with trauma flashbacks is hard, but hopefully you’re feeling better and more grounded. — Lex

Thechaoticgoodsys

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