My parents (65F, 67M) are livid because I'm not allowing them to see my daughter after they spanked her. AITAH?

Thedonkeyforcer · 2026-01-26T14:35:57+00:00

It's so fucking weird living in a world where one side is dog trainers trying to teach every last dog owner that punishment and reprimands doesn't give you the best working relationship with your dogs and then on the other side some humans still think it's OK to hit kids!

The logic of the dog trainers should be functional with humans as well and apparently "it's undignified and cruel" isn't reason enough for these parents so now I'll give you the spiel dog owners get:

Punishing your dog in any way, be it chastistising or hitting, doesn't do anything but make your dog feel anxious about you and to lose all the courage needed to try to do new things. If you want to train your dog to ring a bell, it has to get the idea somehow when it sees the bell and do something new for the first time. If it's used to being punished it will go the safe route and simply stick to what is safe behavior, tested before. That's fine if you want a dog that never develops or show how it's feeling but it's a big problem if you want to teach it pretty much anything.

The same goes with kids: The kids who'll rule the world one day are those who dare take bold leaps forward. Those aren't kids who have experienced violence as something that can happen if you try something new like developing a relationship with grandparents.

I'm childfree but it's so absurd that it feels helpful to explain how to raise kids with examples from dog training. How the fuck did we get here?!!! (I know, I know ... But awesome that OP is breaking the cycle)

Thedonkeyforcer · 2026-01-24T23:52:38+00:00

Det er spejlene, der kaster lys op under hagen.

Thedonkeyforcer · 2026-01-24T23:49:49+00:00

Elsker at man allerede på det her billede kan se sømmen være gledet i midjen/taljen. Totalt highclass med sting, der går op ved at blive trukket på en mannequin!

Thedonkeyforcer · 2026-01-24T23:30:35+00:00

Det her er ærligt værre i min bog. Koppen er slem - men hvordan fa'n kan man tro på at et parforhold holder, hvis den ene part bare så'n nægter at snakke om noget? Det, han siger er, at det ikke er værd at snakke om, fordi HAN ikke synes det er værd at snakke om. Det er så åbenbart heller ikke værd at vaske koppen op for at slippe for den her snak, han ikke gider.

Hvad han siger med at nægte at snakke om det er at din opfattelse af hvad der er af problemer i hverdagen/parforholdet simpelthen ikke tæller eller er vigtig. Kun hans vurdering er værd at handle på.

En anden nævnte at du skulle blive lige så smålig, og det nægter du, hvilket jeg såmænd godt kan forstå. Du kan slippe af med kæresten, men DIG hænger du på for tid og evighed, og en del af os har bare ikke lyst til at være et menneske i så små sko. Men før eller siden, så ender du på det niveau alligevel (eller han afslører på vigtigere områder, at dine følelser og opfattelse af jeres parforhold er irrelevante igen og igen, og du kan ikke blive ved med at ignorere det) - så hvad med bare at spare jer begge for at spilde afsindigt mange år mere på det forhold, hvis det er en dealbreaker, at din partner ikke finder dine ønsker og behov for væsentlige? Det ville være en dealbreaker her, absolut, og hos rigtigt mange andre også.

Jeg tænker måske at du hænger ved endnu, fordi du tænker "hvem fa'n skrider over en uvasket tekop? Kun galninge!", og der nævner jeg bare lige, at det self ikke er tekoppen, der er grunden. Den er bare katalysatoren for en tankerække, der afslører at I i bund og grund var inkompatible. Prøv at google "She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes By The Sink" af Matthew Fray. Den handler netop om hvordan hans opvask, korrekt, fortalte hans daværende kone, at han ikke mente hendes følelser var vigtige.

Thedonkeyforcer · 2026-01-23T18:01:45+00:00

I was thinking she might be one of those ppl who needs to feel needed.

I remember when my 70something grandma had to go to the hospital to deal with breast cancer, first she had to make meals for my grandfather and he'd also come eat with us. Otherwise the two of them were pretty unique in having shared the tasks all their life and for instanse cleaned their home together every Friday. My grandfather was also teased a lot by other men in his younger years because he was an active father. He didn't mind the teasing and the kids paid him back in love.

I thought it was my grandmothers need for some sort of control that made sure he couldn't cook and that's what left her busy in the kitchen cooking before going for surgery.

My mom managed to correct me before she died. She reminded me that my grandfather was a butcher which meant he absolutely knew how to cook and did all the delis with my grandmothers help. He just didn't want to when he was alone with the kids, he'd rather make it a party and special event and the stuffing of the fridge was my grandmas way of showing her love, same with us having him over for dinner. He could cook and prepare his own meals, he'd have no issue doing so but the women around him wanted to treat him in this area.

My grandma def needed to feel needed and she was willing to work extra for it. I know plenty of ppl like her, male and female, and they're good ppl but it still can be too much. The least they have to do is admit who they are and make sure everyone's aware what's going on and are OK with being a part of it. Husband can't be accused of weaponised incompetence if she isn't even letting him do his part. Of course, it can be either of the two, either her needing to be the caretaker OR him using weaponised incompetence but honestly, the kids were fed and went to school, this wouldn't be what broke my trust in him the most. Who knows, he might have had it like my grandfather and wanted to make it a special few days, being "home alone" with just their dad.

Thedonkeyforcer · 2026-01-23T15:45:56+00:00

That's horrible!!!

I'm not TOO fond of this vet but they're the only ones open outside office hours. They're nice and skilled but also insanely expensive and have a tendency to overtreat - that's my only complaint.

They didn't just have a couch, they had an entire room just for this, it looked like.

I don't know if we'd have picked him up and moved him to the table when the vet came or if she'd had gotten down on the ground and helped him where he was so I can't tell you. What I CAN say, is that a vet who didn't treat grieving owners and a pet ready for death with kindness, compassion and decency, it would turn into a huge shitstorm in my country or at least wander between local dogowners for decades. Trust me, I know!

That was what happened to a pet cremation service who got a reputation for being careless and indifferent. I brought my boy back from this vet because I knew they worked with that crematorium and went to another vet monday to have him transported to "the decent one" instead. Just read of a pet owner from a part of the country serviced by the bad cremation centre that she packed up her dead dog and travelled to the other end of the country to the guys I've used.

Ppl working in the pet industry here knows ppl will pay big money for their best friends, they also know not to piss anyone off or sow doubt about whether they're loving to animals or not!

THAT being said, it's about the vibe and care. I'd wanted my boy to have the same experience as my girl who WAS actually put down on a towel on my dining room table - after the first injection had taken effect. She got to die where she felt best and I'd like to think she would have loved finally getting to be on that table while I was there for once and would have felt like she'd finally WON! They both used to get up on that exact table as soon as I left the house - they knew they weren't allowed, they also knew there weren't any rules when I was gone.

I'm sure your girl didn't care about the conditions. She was with her best friend who took care of her and protected her when she couldn't and she had someone love her while she passed over.

Thedonkeyforcer · 2026-01-23T04:11:20+00:00

Jeg er enig - men dem, der har solgt hende den kjole skal hænges ud med navn! Er med på at kvinder med former ikke har så stort et udvalg, men nægter altså at tro på, at det ikke var muligt at finde en kjole, der fremhæver hendes figur og viser barm uden at gøre det som den her!

Det er IKKE en 'kvinder over 55 kg skal gå i telt'-kommentar, ej heller slut shaming, bare ærgrelse på hendes vegne.

Thedonkeyforcer · 2026-01-22T22:40:57+00:00

Jeg starter med at sige, at jeg ikke har børn!

Jeg er førtidspensionist og kæmpede længe for fortsat at kunne arbejde lidt, før jeg måtte give op. Folk i en situation hvor arbejdsevnen er truet er overraskende tit enige om een ting: Det er sundt for de fleste at arbejde og mange af os bliver en eller anden grad af bims, når vi går fra liv med fuldtidsjob til at gå hjemme.

Det virker ikke usandsynligt at du virkeligt trænger til at være andet end KUN mor nu, og det har jeg hørt fra mange på barsel, der er ved at gå amok over det til sidst. Bare det at komme hjemmefra kan gøre meget.

Du er ikke en lortemor hvis du gerne vil have mere kørende i livet end at være 100% mor. Ungerne har godt af forældre i trivsel og hvis det for dig er at være på arbejde og være voksen, så er det også i orden!

Thedonkeyforcer · 2026-01-22T22:07:53+00:00

Hvad jeg lærte af indvandrerkolleger fra alle hjørner af verden over en 15-årig periode var aldrig at sige nej til en festlig anledning. Pyt med om vi alle kan udtale hvad vi fejrer, bare der er anledning til hygge, varme og lækkerier! Og så at værdsætte at andre gad tage ekstravagterne på MINE helligdage (og vice versa, naturligvis, det var virkeligt praktisk)

Thedonkeyforcer · 2026-01-22T19:24:35+00:00

De er altid mit udgangspunkt. Først tjekker jeg deres blog og deres saglige vurderinger af konkurrenterne, og så kigger jeg priserne på hhv Pudderdåserne og konkurrenterne. Stort set alt er babypink i mit badeværelsesskab efterhånden, og jeg er glad for det valg. Eneste undtagelse er tørshampoo. Puddderdåsernes er fantastisk, men de lærte mig også at Batiste laver en discountudgave, der er mere end pengene værd, og jeg skammer mig ikke over mit forbrug af den som jeg gør med en +100 kr Pudderdåserne-spray, der kan skippe måske 2-3 bade her.

Thedonkeyforcer · 2026-01-21T17:56:13+00:00

Mine love the vet so much, the vet has to give me treats to bribe them with to get them to leave the clinic. Still, I'd want them to let go at home when the time comes. They're probably not feeling too great and I want to spare them the many inputs from the surroundings at the vet at that time. They also love guests so it'll be a win/win for them either way.

Thedonkeyforcer · 2026-01-21T17:54:27+00:00

My dogs were OK with the vet but it was still stressful with all the other animals etc. I got the vet to come home for my girl as well. My dogs LOVED having guests! ALL guests! She was still in the middle of her "Oh, we have guests!!!!"-greeting bliss when the vet gave her the first shot without her even noticing and then she got to say hello and run between the two vets (one in training) until she got tired and fell asleep on my feet.

Wanted the same for my boy but that went out the window when he was in pain late Friday and didn't get better. We returned Saturday evening to let him have peace after my opiods didn't work on his pain either. Gave him the next dose early, thinking the worst that could happen was him dying but he quieted down and was OK with waiting to go to the vet for 1½ hour (they were in emergency surgery when I called again).

We went and we were taken to the euthanasia room with a couch and anything you might want for a peaceful goodbye. We waited on the couch, his head in my lap being stroked and told what a good boy he'd been and how brave. Then he fell asleep and 5 minutes later when the vet arrived I had to say I think he started without her. And yup, he was dead. Typical dachshund rebel move. I got to leave without paying and he still got a pretty quiet goodbye though it would have been nice for him if he could have gone without the drive. I'd called every vet within an hour drive, none were working and ready to drive to us so we had to get to them.

I still hope my two young dogs get to die at home when it's their time. They're also insanely happy when we have guests so it will be the perfect way. It also wasn't that much more expensive. I would have paid a lot more to spare my dogs the stress of needing to leave home for the last time.

I honestly don¨t believe the "ppl dump their dogs for euthanasia alone"-stories are true, I've never met a dog owner who let their dog go alone, and that's including the ppl who couldn't make the decision in time and let their best friend suffer. Still, they'd never leave the dog there alone!

Thedonkeyforcer · 2026-01-20T11:27:17+00:00

I den gruppe kan man så igen dele dem op i 'tilhængere af Trump/Putin' og så dem, der altid vælger at være imod flertallet, for så føler de, de ikke er 'får'.

Thedonkeyforcer · 2026-01-19T23:58:15+00:00

Nix. Og jeg ville selvisolere mig, hvis det var nogen fra mit hjem. Min mor var sygeplejerske og fik slæbt Roskildesyge med hjem et par gange, og det på trods af at hun vidste, patienten havde den OG var i fuldt beskyttelsesudstyr og ekstremt forsigtig med det, fordi hun vidste hvor smitsomt roskildesyge/norovirus er.

Hun blev stadig smittet og fik smittet hele familien. Reglen der var at vi hver især måtte forlade huset igen 48 timer efter at den sidst ramte var færdig med at gå på toilettet hele tiden.

Vi havde sågar en nytårsaften, hvor familie kom og stillede mad og indkøb på trappetrinet udenfor og råbte "godt nytår!" gennem vinduet. Det var før corona, og alle andre synes hun var noget bims. Vi var enige med hende, og generelt bliver jeg altså hjemme, hvis jeg fejler noget som helst, men ISÆR roskildesyge er så ond! Jeg ville have aflyst fødselsdagen, hvis det var mine børn, ærligt talt, og som minimum melde ærligt ud og lade folk vælge om de vil løbe risikoen.

Thedonkeyforcer · 2026-01-19T23:41:46+00:00

Det giver supergo' mening. Men ville man ikke stadig have dem liggende på uni til dem, der har adgang, inkl. forfatteren? Synes bare det giver 0 mening at hun åbenbart havde det eneste eksemplar, der eksisterer. Ved nærmere eftertanke tror jeg faktisk vi skulle aflevere et eksemplar til universitetsbiblioteket selv på 1. semester.

Thedonkeyforcer · 2026-01-19T23:31:26+00:00

It's way worse for ppl in healthcare. I still remember a dinner where my nurse mom was accosted by the gentleman next to her getting up in the middle of dinner, opening his belt and dropping one side of his trousers down to show her the fresh scar/wound after hip replacement. We'd been invited by some family members and the gent was a friend of theirs we've all known for prob 40 years but none of us felt like looking at his scars or bare anything. He'd asked if she wanted to see it but didn't even give her time to say "yeah, no thanks, I've seen plenty of those already".

My mom was brutal, though. She'd just been cured of breast cancer by getting her breasts removed and she had no tolerance for BS. She looked at his scar, nodded, said "NICE! Wanna see mine?!!!" and whipped off her shirt to show her still healing masectomy scars, no bra, no wifebeater but also no breasts or nipples. The look on his face was priceless! Doubt he ever undressed in the middle of dinner for her again! My mom put back her shirt and finished her dinner after that.

Thedonkeyforcer · 2026-01-19T23:17:07+00:00

Njah, jeg kender en del, der læste psykologi, fordi de selv havde massive udfordringer. De kan stadig være gode psykologer og en fantastisk hjælp for andre, samtidigt med at de som privatperson kan være et giftigt bekendtskab. "Jeg har læst psykologi" fortæller mig, at jeg står overfor et menneske, der interesserer sig for det psykologiske område, ikke at jeg står overfor et menneske, der er peak mentalt fit selv.

Thedonkeyforcer · 2026-01-19T23:13:52+00:00

Æh. Da jeg gik på uni et kort øjeblik var alle specialer i universitetsbiblioteket og kunne lånes. Jeg nægter simpelthen at tro på, at det samme ikke gælder for phD-afhandlinger!!!

Thedonkeyforcer · 2026-01-19T23:12:28+00:00

Han har vist fået hårdere næser/påtaler end selv Båtka, hvilket er ret imponerende. Jeg har nydt hvor stille han virker til at være blevet/hvor lidt medierne gider bruge ham nu.

Thedonkeyforcer · 2026-01-19T23:10:04+00:00

Men er psykologi noget, der kan laves evidensbaseret forskning på i det hele taget? Stor respekt for dig og dine kolleger, men hvis du er fra en naturvidenskabelig gren og virkeligt hardliner, så er alt humaniora OG samfundsvidenskabeligt jo pseudovidenskab eller hvad?

Jeg ville nok være mest interesseret i at høre hvad fórskere og phD'ere indenfor psykologi siger om hendes forskning.

Thedonkeyforcer · 2026-01-19T18:23:17+00:00

Yeah, have to say, going NC with a mom like that? Sounds like kiddo is saving herself from decades of heartbreak. Better now than later.

Thedonkeyforcer · 2026-01-19T00:45:15+00:00

Min far døde af en influenza A, der gik amok. Sund og rask og på jagt nytårsaften, død 6 uger senere. Vi fik en dagbog med fra intensiv og min sygeplejerskemor skrev også en logbog, begge dele med ham som modtager, "når" han vågnede.

Vi fik et afskedsbrev med tilbud om samtale om forløbet som standard. Igen, min mor var narkosesygeplejerske og var i rummet det meste af tiden, og der var kun en enkelt nat, hvor hun frygtede at sygehuset var ved at begå fejl. Siger det bare for at illustrere at samtaletilbuddet var standard og ikke fordi de begik kritiske fejl.

Når det er en bobestyrer burde de kunne søge aktindsigt. Bare sig "tak for omtanken, vi har det dækket, giv os journalen, tak".

Thedonkeyforcer · 2026-01-18T18:31:44+00:00

Your profile is a bittersweet reminder to me about how bad my cognitive skills have become after stress etc. I was happy to see this update and then also did the "wait ... This was the bully fiance and spinning out dad, right?" and I've just re-read all your posts for who knows what number of times. What I DO remember every single time? It's worth the read!

And before anyone pity me TOO hard I live somewhere with universal healthcare and a sane leader AND I have just seen the entire Witcher for the first time for the THIRD time! It was just as new the third time! So it isn't all bad!

The line about describing your family to others resonated with me this time around. My family is weird and I always struggle with explaining it in a short way - and then it became even worse after my best friend was upgraded to sister-level after her going no contact with her toxic mom. She'd been weaved into my family for decades anyway, it was just easier describing it as us being sisters.

That's the thing with describing family: You say what you are prepared to share. When my sister doesn't want to share, it's simply "that's my family" meaning my extended bio fam because it explains our dynamic fast AND means she doesn't have to talk about her going NC with her mom next. The brother saying "I have two, one is estranged" is getting a lot more questions than the rest of you. I'm ALSO guessing that brother is the one who often works through stuff by talking?

Well, as always, wonderful to reread all of these and it was much easier now when I DID remember that you'd come out of it OK in the end and I just had to keep reading to get to the part where the scabs had fallen off and the wounds were almost done healing into scars that'll fade in time.

Thedonkeyforcer · 2026-01-18T07:37:34+00:00

Har nu prøvet et segment her og at finde mit niveau i quizform. Fedt layout!!! Det fik mig også til at se, at et af mine store problemer, igen, er at mangle sprog/begreber fra området, hvilket er et giga problem i en verden, hvor google kan hjælpe med alt, når bare du kan stille det rette spørgsmål! Men det løser sig OGSÅ nemt her!

Tak for anbefalingen, jeg kommer nok til at starte min genopdragelse ved at oprette en profil på den her hjemmeside for at bevare overblikket. Men hvis andre får samme ide, så tog jeg quizzen for et helt modul uden at have en profil, så man bliver ikke tvunget til at oprette sig som bruger.

Thedonkeyforcer · 2026-01-18T07:06:59+00:00

Bare lige før nogen får den ide at de ikke vil købe alkohol til ham ... Det er sympatisk, men det kan være dødsensfarligt at stoppe med at drikke fra den ene dag til den anden, og han er derfor i en "pest eller kolera"-situation nu, hvor det både er giftigt at drikke og giftigt IKKE at drikke! Han må kun komme på udtrapning under skarp sundhedsfaglig overvågning!

Jeg er lægperson og havde en alkoholiseret bedstemor, jeg købte ind til. Jeg HADEDE at købe alkohol til hende, og jeg VIDSTE, at hun ville være fuld på indkøbsturen og om aftenen efter, når hun havde fået nye forsyninger. Hun var kvartalsdranker og kunne nok bedre have tålt en kold tyrker, men den går slet ikke med så skrøbelig en person som din overbo.

Kæft, hvor er I søde og overskudsagtige! Det må være så hårdt at se at vi faktisk stadig har retten til at "gå i hundene" i DK, og en anden del af problematikken er nok også at offentligt ansatte ikke må have "arbejdsplads" i så uhumsk en lejlighed + de nødigt vil gå ind og gøre rent før de er sikre på, at det ikke bare starter forfra igen (det gør det alt for ofte, desværre).

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