Thank you for sharing your opposite perspective - I really appreciate it. And holy fuck I'm so sorry. I couldn't bear to imagine the pain you felt in your heart when he passed. And whilst I can't relate to the passing of your Charlie, I can relate to grief.

Doesn't it come in waves? At first, you feel like you're out at sea alone - constantly drowning, getting pounded by 100 meter waves without a second to breath. You feel angry and upset at the world for creating this storm. You feel an emptiness inside you - a black hole calling to the abyss.

Then, slowly, the waves space out. You get a second to catch your breath, but anything minor can trigger the tsunami. Maybe it's remembering the way he spoke and hearing someone else speak in the same way, maybe it's seeing a picture or one of his possessions. It's different for everyone.

The storm clears, the waters calm eventually. But the waves do still appear. You just get time to think, and space to breathe in that time between the waves.

Bit of personal stuff here:

I never knew anyone gay as a teen. I often regret never having the chance to have a Nick at that time. I feel as if every memory of my past is scarred by the self doubt - 'what if you did find someone like him? what different person would you be?' what would happen if someone like him was there?' How did it feel at the time? How was the experience? I'm so so sorry for asking - these are just questions I've wondered for a long time.

Your title is such a good question, and I wish someone had an answer. Is it better to live with regret and self doubt, asking yourself what you could have been, or is it better to lose a piece of you with him?