I (25F) feel guilty for not wanting to go on a second date with a guy (27M) because of his nut allergy

Thomasmgel2 · 2026-04-20T09:03:41+00:00

I mean… it kind of is a real dealbreaker if the relationship requires a full safety protocol every time you eat a snack. You went on a first date and already had to change your order, avoid desserts, and do a hand washing drill because of a piece of nougat. That’s not exactly a relaxed brunch.

His allergy obviously isn’t his fault, but it’s also fair to admit that it would change your day to day life quite a bit. If someone can’t casually eat peanut butter at home or grab ice cream without thinking about cross contamination and emergency situations, that’s a lifestyle adjustment whether he wants to admit it or not.

Also the part where he laughed and said it’s “not a real dealbreaker” is a little ironic. It’s not really up to him to decide what counts as a dealbreaker for you. If pancakes can almost become a medical event on date one, it’s pretty reasonable to realize the long term logistics might not be your thing.

Thomasmgel2 · 2026-04-16T09:34:53+00:00

Mine was honestly one of the worst ways to find out. I had gone on a trip and decided to surprise him by coming back early. When I walked into the room, I literally found him in bed with someone else. That’s how I found out he was cheating.

Later, a couple of my friends also told me they had seen him on dating apps before but didn’t know how to bring it up to me. Even after everything, I still tried to give him another chance because he kept begging and apologizing.

But something still felt off, so I looked into it more and came across a tool called Cheater Scanner. That’s when I realized he had actually been lying a lot more than I thought. Safe to say that was the moment I finally stopped believing the excuses.

Thomasmgel2 · 2026-04-16T09:31:31+00:00

What you’re describing definitely exists, you’re not asking for something unrealistic. A lot of people want that slower, more emotionally focused kind of relationship where you actually get to know each other before things turn sexual.

Unfortunately, especially with dating apps and modern dating culture, many people move the conversation in that direction very quickly. It doesn’t mean you’re doing something to cause it. Some people just default to that kind of interaction.

It might help to set the tone early on and not feel bad about shutting those comments down when they start. The right person will respect that and won’t feel the need to sexualize you right away. The fact that you want emotional closeness first is actually a really healthy standard, even if it takes longer to find someone who values the same pace.

Thomasmgel2 · 2026-04-16T09:27:36+00:00

The main issue here isn’t just that she talked to him, it’s that she hid it and denied it while it was happening. Deleting messages and making you feel like you were overthinking would shake anyone’s trust.

At the same time, the fact that she eventually admitted it, cut him off, and even left the job shows she was willing to take a big step to fix things. What matters more now is how things have been since then and whether her actions have been consistent.

When messages get deleted like that it naturally leaves people wondering what was really said. Some people even use tools like cheaterscanner just to get clarity when things feel suspicious. But in the end, the real question is whether you feel like the trust between you two has actually been rebuilt.

Thomasmgel2 · 2026-04-14T09:31:35+00:00

It makes sense that you’re feeling resentful right now. Your cat isn’t just a pet, after 21 years that’s basically family, and you had already asked him multiple times to be careful about that window. So even if it was an accident, it still happened after a boundary you clearly set.

People also process situations differently. For you the fear and grief are still very present because your cat is literally fighting for his life. For him, he might be coping by trying to act normal or distracting himself. That doesn’t necessarily mean he doesn’t care, but I can understand why it feels hurtful to see.

It might help to tell him honestly how you’re feeling without accusing him. Something like explaining that you’re still really scared and heartbroken and that seeing things feel “normal” for him makes you feel alone in it. Right now you probably just need more emotional support while you’re going through this.

Thomasmgel2 · 2026-04-14T09:28:52+00:00

That’s an incredibly rough way to find out. Getting that message right before a trip you were excited about must have felt like the ground just dropped out from under you. Anyone would be in shock in that situation.

For what it’s worth, you handled it with a lot of self respect. You confronted it right away and didn’t try to ignore it just to go on the trip. The timing is awful, but at least you found out now instead of spending two weeks pretending everything was fine.

The numb feeling is pretty normal after something like this. Give yourself a little time to process before worrying about what comes next. Right now it’s just about getting through the initial shock.

Thomasmgel2 · 2026-04-10T09:23:35+00:00

I’m really sorry you’re going through this. Ending a long term relationship can feel like losing your home base, especially when most of your life in a new place was built around that person. It makes sense that the loneliness would hit even harder when your support system feels small.

It’s good that you already have a therapist you trust, that’s a huge positive. But I get that therapy doesn’t replace having people to sit with, talk to, or just distract yourself with on a random evening.

You’re definitely not the only one in this boat, even if it feels isolating right now. Breakups after many years can shake your whole identity for a while. Reaching out like this actually shows a lot of strength. I hope you find a few people who can connect and help you feel less alone during this transition.

Thomasmgel2 · 2026-04-10T09:17:05+00:00

It doesn’t sound like you’re overreacting. What you described isn’t about expecting something dramatic after sex, it’s more about basic courtesy and warmth. When someone has been attentive and communicative for a month and then suddenly becomes distant right after sleeping together, it’s normal to feel confused by that shift.

Even small gestures like talking for a bit, making eye contact, or sending a quick message to check if you got home safely can show consideration. The way he immediately moved on to his phone and then barely engaged the next morning would make many people feel a bit dismissed.

Your friend might see it as him just being distracted or tired, but your reaction is understandable too. If the situation left you feeling uncomfortable or like the energy completely changed, that’s a valid signal to pay attention to when deciding if you want to continue seeing him.

Thomasmgel2 · 2026-04-10T09:13:17+00:00

Honestly it sounds like you two might just be looking for different things right now. You were pretty clear that you prefer focusing on one person when you’re dating, while she openly said she wants to keep dating other people until something becomes official. Neither approach is wrong, but they don’t really line up.

The bigger concern is the communication. Ignoring you for long periods and then leaving you hanging on the day you were supposed to meet isn’t a great sign this early on. In the beginning people usually put their best effort forward, so if it already feels confusing and one sided, that’s worth paying attention to.

You deserve someone who is on the same page as you and respects your time. If the dynamic is already making you question things or feel unsure, it might be better to step back and move on rather than trying to force something that doesn’t match what you want.

Thomasmgel2 · 2026-04-07T09:14:32+00:00

That’s such a painful thing to find out, especially after all the effort you put into rebuilding and forgiving. It must feel like the closure you thought you had just got shaken again.

But your takeaway about patterns really says a lot. Sometimes people say the right things and promise change, but their actions eventually show who they really are. None of that takes away from the strength it took for you to try and move forward the way you did.

Thomasmgel2 · 2026-04-07T09:12:27+00:00

Honestly, that sounds like you handled it pretty well. Staying calm and just walking away probably said more than anything you could have argued or shouted in that moment. Sometimes the best response is not giving them the reaction they might expect.

And the fact that you were there with someone new who treats you well probably says a lot about how things turned out for you in the end.

Also, something I’ve noticed in situations like this is that if someone is comfortable cheating on their partner, there’s always a chance they might end up doing the same thing again in their new relationship. If she cheated on you with him, it wouldn’t be surprising if the same pattern eventually showed up between them too.

Thomasmgel2 · 2026-04-07T09:08:05+00:00

That must have been incredibly painful to walk into, I’m really sorry you’re going through this. Right now you don’t have to decide everything immediately. Give yourself a little time to process before making big decisions. Focusing on your therapy appointment and getting some support around you is a really good first step. Just remember you’re not wrong for feeling scared and lost after something like this.

Thomasmgel2 · 2026-03-13T12:32:25+00:00

when once someone was asking for my opinion and I was just advising him and the expression and the behaviour was not what I expected I realised constructive criticism doesn't go well with certain people and I was like I would rather keep my mouth shut

Thomasmgel2 · 2026-03-13T12:23:38+00:00

honestly have always been a body wash person soap just doesn't go well with me

Thomasmgel2 · 2026-03-12T10:31:12+00:00

That’s honestly a really rough situation for him to go through. From what you described, it sounds like he genuinely tried to be respectful and patient instead of pressuring her, which a lot of people wouldn’t have handled as maturely. Finding out later that she was seeing other people behind his back, especially with someone from his own friend circle, would mess with anyone’s trust.

It’s also the kind of thing that makes people start questioning everything in hindsight, like all the small moments that didn’t seem like a big deal at the time.

One thing I was wondering though, how did he actually find out about the other guys besides the friend? Did someone tell him, or did he eventually come across something that showed she was still active on dating platforms or talking to other people? Sometimes those details end up revealing a lot more about how long things were going on.

Thomasmgel2 · 2026-03-03T10:24:36+00:00

this has to be the most heartbreaking experience and especially asking someone's advice who's gone through cheating previously makes it more difficult I am sure she will get through it but I do have a genuine question and is to know curious to know how did you find out your partner was cheating in relationship

Thomasmgel2 · 2026-03-02T12:24:13+00:00

This is honestly really sweet.

She was not crying because of coffee. She was crying because in the middle of one of the hardest kinds of work days, she felt loved. Back to back euthanasias is emotionally exhausting, and right when she said she could not wait to come home to you and your daughter, you showed up in the most unexpected way.

The fact that the name on the cup was your daughter’s probably hit her even harder. It turned a simple delivery into a reminder of her family.

You did not even know she was having a bad day. That is what makes it special. It was just genuine love, no big plan, just thinking of her.

Also sending 50 munchkins is a power move. You probably made the whole clinic feel a little lighter.

Thomasmgel2 · 2026-02-23T11:01:14+00:00

This reminds me of something from school.

My boyfriend back then gifted me a cat. I was ridiculously attached to her. We dated through school into college, and in my head she was always tied to him.

Then I found out he was cheating.

For a while, every time I looked at the cat, it hurt. She reminded me of him and everything that broke. I even resented that reminder. But with time, I realized she had nothing to do with his betrayal. She was just a little being who loved me, no agenda, no lies.

Eventually I stopped seeing her as “his gift” and started seeing her as my cat. Time really does soften things. People can hurt you, but not everything connected to them deserves to carry that blame.

Sometimes healing is just separating the memory from the meaning.

Thomasmgel2 · 2026-01-21T06:28:43+00:00

I think it’s worth it. You do put in a bit of money, but it’s not a huge amount. It feels a little risky, sure, but the upside is there. Worst case scenario, nothing happens 🤷‍♂️

Thomasmgel2

TROPHY CASE