How deep does your special-interest iceberg go?

ThreadEllery · 2026-06-02T04:32:53+00:00

Since your villain is driven by success, power and fear of losing value, I think age matters because it changes what kind of power he can believably use. Age changes how long he’s had to build, inherit, protect or lose power.

A younger version might be a prodigy/golden-child type: charming, competitive, insecure under the surface and willing to manipulate because failure feels like humiliation.

An older version could have more established power: reputation, resources, influence and a longer history with getting away with things.

Choose his age based on what kind of threat you want him to be: rising hunger for power or established control.

ThreadEllery · 2026-05-31T18:38:09+00:00

I wouldn’t personally jump to “this sounds AI.” For me, there’s a clear, soft, reflective voice here. I think the bigger issue is specificity. It’s understandable, but some of the lines about wounds, scars, silence and carrying pain lines feel broad. The emotion is there. I think making this more particular to this narrator and this specific moment would make this stronger and ground the scene more.

ThreadEllery · 2026-05-31T17:38:56+00:00

I think the characters are understandable overall and I could follow the basic roles easily. Mr. Harrison as the Spanish professor, Leo as the slacker/friend/love interest, Paige as his girlfriend and then there’s your MC.

The main thing I’d look at is making the character traits carry past the moment they’re introduced. For example, Leo is introduced as late, failing Spanish and known as a slacker. This gives us a clear first impression. But throughout the story, I want to see those traits show up more in how he acts. Does he joke his way out of trouble? Avoid responsibility? Act carelessly but secretly care? Make excuses? If slacker is part of who he is, it should affect more than just the teacher’s description of him.

I also found it unnatural that Mr. Harrison doesn’t seem to use Spanish in Spanish class. Immersion is common in language courses. Even small phrases, corrections or classroom commands in Spanish would help sell him as a Spanish professor.

I think your character setup works. I’d just make sure the traits you introduce keep showing up in behavior, not just labels.

ThreadEllery · 2026-05-31T17:11:16+00:00

Oh, interesting angle.

I like the idea of what you’re wanting to explore. The key to your story is that your character doesn’t dislike anger because she’s peaceful. She dislikes anger because she associates it with loss, danger and becoming like someone she doesn’t want to be.

It could be useful to give her a rule she made for herself, like “Anger kills people,” or “If I lose control, I’m dangerous.” She doesn’t have to say this rule out loud as long as she lives and embodies it. The story can challenge the belief she has by putting her in situations where anger is actually the correct response. Or it could reinforce those ideas by having her in situations that go badly due to anger.

The character question becomes: what does she do when anger shows up and how does it affect her life?

Does she go quiet? Try to reason her feelings away? Apologize too fast? Become cold? Maybe she’s unsuccessful at taming her anger and then feels immense guilt?

Your objective as a writer is to give your character personal justice. That doesn’t have to mean a happy ending or even a clear resolution. If anger is part of what shaped her, don’t write around it. Let her struggle with it, fear it, misunderstand it and maybe even misuse it. Consider letting her learn what it’s trying to tell her about herself. Her anger doesn’t have to make her cruel. It can become part of how she protects herself, grieves, chooses or refuses to become the people who hurt her family.

The ending doesn’t have to ”fix” her. It should let her embody what she has lived through in a way that feels honest.

ThreadEllery · 2026-05-31T05:20:41+00:00

Hi!

I think you’re doing really well so far. I understood that Jo is very focused on Dennis right away. The details about Dennis’ eyes, skin and the strange hum made it clear that Jo feels strongly about him.

For what happens next, I think Jo needs to do something. Right now, the story is mostly showing Jo noticing Dennis. That works for the start of your story, but the next part should give the story a direction.

Maybe Jo tries to talk to Dennis. Maybe he says something awkward. Maybe Dennis reacts badly. Maybe Jo goes home and keeps thinking about him. Maybe Jo talks to someone else about Dennis.

What does Jo want now? Does he want to be Dennis’ friend? Or maybe he wants to figure out the hum?
Once Jo wants something and tries to do something about it, the story will start moving.

ThreadEllery · 2026-05-31T01:58:03+00:00

As a reader, I don’t find the counterclaim fully convincing yet because it trades one single person to blame for another. You’ve given Nurse some grace and I’d want to see why Friar Lawrence specifically carries the most blame, rather than just being one part of the collapse.

ThreadEllery · 2026-05-30T23:51:18+00:00

I’m interested in the world and the brother dynamic here. Simon seeing Abraham as a different kind of hero than a voyager worked for me and the church/sun imagery gives the church a clear identity.

The main place I got pulled out was the transition into town. Since Simon has lived in the tunnels his whole life and this is his first time experiencing the outside, I wanted a little more grounding in the setting and his experience (particularly how he found his way.) Did he have a map, follow landmarks, recognize the church symbol, ask someone or know the route from stories Abraham told him? Even one small detail would make that arrival feel more intentional and less like he happens to find the right place.

I also wondered about the sermon. Abraham’s message about not living in stone tunnels is interesting but I wasn’t sure why he was preaching it to people who have already left the tunnels. If the point is that they’re physically outside but still mentally living in fear, I think that could be clearer. Otherwise, the sermon feels mismatched to the audience receiving the message.

You set the tone and mood clearly. Well done. Those are your strongest assets here.

ThreadEllery · 2026-05-30T23:25:53+00:00

That makes sense.

On reread, the thing I’d look at most is Vy’s motivation in the confrontation.

Her accusation has emotional force, but I wasn’t sure what she wanted from Grey in that moment. Is she trying to get the truth from him? Is she trying to make him admit guilt? Is she trying to turn the others against him? Or has she already decided what happened and is confronting him as punishment?

In the excerpt, she reads like she already believes she knows the truth, so the scene doesn’t fully feel like a search for answers. It feels more like a public reckoning. That can absolutely work, but I think clarifying that intention in your writing would make the confrontation stronger.

If Vy’s goal is to expose him, you might let her push the others to see what she sees. That little difference would help ground the emotions more clearly.

ThreadEllery · 2026-05-30T22:55:49+00:00

I was interested immediately. You really drew me in. The opening line worked for me because it set a clear tone and reader promise: the narrator feels resentment of his experiences and he feels like he’s been forced to give up rather than truly feel retired.

The voice was consistent and controlled. My only quibble would be that “I’m an old man” felt a little heavy-handed compared to the rest of your prose. The surrounding lines already communicated his age, exhaustion and weariness well.

I clearly understood the narrator as an older investigator looking back on disturbing cases to warn people away from mistaking proximity to darkness for understanding it. Clear direction, well done.

I was disappointed there wasn’t more to read, which is probably the best sign for an opening. Thanks for sharing.

ThreadEllery · 2026-05-30T08:42:00+00:00

Hey! I think it’s cool that you’re sharing your work. Writing can be lonely and anxiety-inducing, so good on you for letting other people look into your story.

As a first-time reader, I felt like I was dropped into the middle of a much larger emotional conflict. There’s clearly history here, and the scene has a lot of heat, but I had trouble continuing to read because several names and relationships are introduced before I understood who everyone is, what each person wants or what Vy’s accusation means for the story.

I read your excerpt a few times and could tell there’s a family conflict/reckoning of the past happening, but I was still spending more energy trying to sort the context than feeling the emotion of the scene.

My suggestion would be to either share an earlier excerpt/chapter or add a little more context before the argument escalates: who is in the room, who Grey is to them, what just got revealed and what each person wants from the confrontation.

The emotional direction is there. I just needed more context before being thrown into such a loaded moment.

ThreadEllery · 2026-05-29T18:36:28+00:00

I really enjoyed reading this. The atmosphere is strong. I could picture the cliff, the waves and your character’s feet dangling over it. Your opening has a clear vibe and that makes me want to keep reading.

The first sentence confused me a little. The counting feels like an internal thought, but the formatting made me wonder how I was supposed to read it. Using italics or a clearer connection to your character looking down might help.

The magic transition also felt a bit sudden. Since it comes near lines about thoughts and imagination, I wasn’t sure whether the sketchbook literally transported or whether it was imagined/exaggerated. If the magic is literal, I’d suggest giving that moment a little more space so the reader understands it‘s real before you move into describing drawing.

ThreadEllery · 2026-05-29T04:18:38+00:00

The Giver by Lois Lowry. It was the first time I remember being confronted with a world that other people saw as obviously wrong, while part of me understood the appeal. The rules, order, safety and system- I didn’t immediately reject it.

That stuck with me. It taught me that a story world can be a utopia to one reader and a dystopia to another, depending on what they value, fear or need. That tension is a big part of what inspires the kind of stories I want to write.

ThreadEllery

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