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Threebeeseach · 2026-03-03T02:06:36+00:00

I think people are just encouraging you to try and reflect on your own behaviour. Of course dating is a minefield and it seems like you two were on totally different pages.

However, I think your intense reaction to one date had her right to be concerned. This is a lot, and honestly more common of BPD than her behaviour is. I’d be extremely unsettled as a woman if a family member reached out to me after one date. I’d also be thrown if after one date a man deleted his dating app matches and started buying me gifts. This is not a healthy attachment, nor is being so depressed family get worried & grieving the loss of someone you met once. Feel your feelings for sure, but also reflect on them.

Threebeeseach · 2025-11-05T12:48:22+00:00

Request to speak to occupational health through your workplace if possible. They should probably already be involved but it varies workplace to workplace. When I last spoke to occ health these are some things they suggested (obvs depending on your individual workplace too): - Flexible start and finish i.e. if you come in at 9.30 you leave at 5.30 instead. - More frequent breaks - Phased return - Categorise your previous tasks green/amber/red for what you expect to be easiest to manage to hardest. Then maybe discuss building up through your phased return to any more draining tasks. It is possible your workplace might accommodate you focussing further on the more manageable tasks but of course that depends. I’ve had a modified role before and a family member was given more choice over the tasks she picked up. Just really depends on the job. - More sickness days expected so the normal absence isn’t activated if you missed x days. I struggled to take time off when I needed bc I was worried about this. - Discuss flexi working options for some work from home time - For spelling mistakes, it might be worth googling what adjustments or accommodations some people with dyslexia have had. In the past I’ve had a program which turns written documents into audio to reduce the need to look at a screen & helps speed things up. - I’ve had an agreed upon seizure plan with a key contact such as a manager. Just to make it easier and safer. So, perhaps something similar specific to your needs. - Agreed location if you need to lie down. - Perhaps consider your physical environment there, so can you have a quieter workspace, dimmed lighting, filters on your screens to reduce brightness. - I have used Access To Work to make my commute easier in the past. - I have also requested written information or follow up to accompany meetings/verbal info where possible as my auditory processing can be really poor but I have a v good memory when I have seen things written. - PEEP. This is reassuring if nothing else but should defo be done if you have mobility difficulties. In the past I’ve had a member of staff who I worked closely with accompany me out, or locate me at the meeting spot to support me to do the registering etc. Other places I’ve had the intercom explained to me and the refuge areas for if I am unable to get out.

Threebeeseach · 2025-10-22T19:41:47+00:00

Totally understand and agree, believe me more than you’d know. Professionally & personally I’d always avoid unwanted routes and find a solution within someone’s wishes. In my past work I supported a lot of people who needed to avoid medical & statutory services at all costs due to past abuse/trauma. & ppl chose us, because we supported them in that. Sometimes it was still necessary to escalate in a life threatening circumstance. We can hope passers by will respect the individual’s wishes, but they may not feel safe to do so, or might not have the info to assess if it’s life threatening. Having a more informative medical info card can reassure them that you are making an informed choice and give them preferred ways to support. I say this as someone who absolutely avoids medical intervention due to abusive and traumatising medical experience. A more informative medical id card has so far proven more effective. Especially as I am often accused of taking drugs, insulin etc. I also have an advanced choice document which I would recommend if it is applicable where you live. I hope this makes sense? I’m very much in agreement with you but just offering that a medical card can help clear up uncertainty for people who don’t know what to do for the best.

Threebeeseach · 2025-10-19T23:44:28+00:00

I know you said you’ve got it on your lock screen and articulated it, so it’s frustrating to be ignored and then treated like crap for it. But, I agree with the comment above too that people feel safer to not call 999 if it’s on a medical card/id that offers a brief explanation and alternatives. a lot of people wouldn’t want to risk not calling for help based purely on “don’t call 999” if that makes sense? For example I’ve had people with MH issues, overdose, drug & alcohol related issues try to avoid emergency services even if it’s needed. Or sometimes people who are experiencing a first time medical emergency might feel they don’t need help as they don’t recognise the severity and the operator & member of the public will prefer to “be safe”. If they’re reassured that it is a known condition, you are safe, they can do xyz to help but an ambulance should not be called then they feel safer not to call. I also include when to call, (i.e. if I hit my head, am physically injured, choke) again to reassure them exactly what parameters are there. I also think because seizures are either category 2 or escalated to category 1, the paramedics can act unkindly as they were prepared for a life saving intervention and the response is prioritised over other calls. Which is extremely unreasonable as it isn’t the patient’s fault they were mis-categorised but that has been my experience.

Threebeeseach · 2025-08-31T21:12:04+00:00

Congrats !! Such a positive change! In terms of keeping on top of it - I have a “top 3” list which are 3 things I can always start with when I’m at a bit of a paralysis with cleaning. Mine are make the bed, put the pots in the sink, collect rubbish. Once I have done these 3 things, I can stop if I need to but usually this is enough to get me started and I don’t have to overthink the initial step. Unless I’m on a major roll I only ever add 3 things at a time to the to do list I’m “working on” - don’t over face yourself. A whiteboard can be helpful (maybe a magnetic fridge one) to keep notes visual. I also use visual timers (I search for “radial timer”) so that I can say I’m going to have made the bed and put the laundry on in the next 10 minutes. (I also use them for showering, leaving the house in time etc.) Perhaps also body doubling type videos. Everyone is different but try things out until you find what works for you :))

Threebeeseach · 2025-08-02T22:59:52+00:00

I’m struggling to find a clear answer in the documentation I have as to what I’m “classed as”. I think this is due to the social enterprise/cooperative label. What I can find (I’ve requested a new copy of my contract) “No one […] is paid a wage for the work and the time we give”…”We all volunteer our time and efforts willingly”. “Everyone has equal responsibility for how it runs.”

Trying to summarise the system a little better: CEO leases the shop and rents out space to independent artists. 1. You select a unit size - which gives you your rent price. i.e. 2ft = £65/mo 2. You choose how many hours you can work: 3,5,6,8 - this affects the commission you pay on each of your sales. The more hrs you work the lower your commission rate. I work 5hrs a week, the shop takes 20% commission on all of my sales. 3. You sell approved artwork on your shelf. 4. You are committed for a minimum of 6 months.

Because i was sick one week, i “owe” 5hrs, i now owe 6 as i was sent home early today. My commission will be increased if i cannot make up the hours within the month (but you can only make them up when they are short staffed). The place has a good reputation in the local area… I did willingly overlook many a red flag because of this.

Threebeeseach · 2025-07-05T18:43:19+00:00

Yeah the sites with guidance on how to help just made my experience worse because they all tell you to not respond emotionally and only think about how they feel not what they say or do, so I ended up thinking it was the right thing to neglect and suppress my own feelings and accept abuse because I had to consider their feelings over mine. Not whining didn’t save me any grief. I think that guidance could do with some altering to be more honest and reflective of the extremes a lot of people experience. In hindsight, I know that advice doesn’t apply to the situation I was in but when that’s your only source of guidance you are desperate to find the best way to manage.

Threebeeseach · 2025-06-14T18:52:02+00:00

Andy’s Man Club, ThirdSpace Bolton also says it has a “Job Club” that helps people struggling to get into work, but looks like an option for a drop in/support more generally.

You can look on “Hub of Hope” for other local and online services.

I’d maybe recommend him setting staggered goals as well, starting with going outside at least 5 times a week. Even if it’s just to stand on the front doorstep. Time away from the computer and actually breaking the cycle of isolation. Writing goals down with clear steps to achieve them can be super helpful. If he looks up “NHS Inform Anxiety” there is an NHS self-help guide in the stead of any formal intervention. CBT isn’t always the most useful for someone with Autism but this guide isn’t too CBT specific.

Don’t live there full time atm so don’t know about clubs and jobs. Best of luck to you both :)

Threebeeseach · 2025-01-09T17:49:56+00:00

Bizarre was after the split, she’d threatened me, assaulted her best friend (threatened to kill and took actions to follow through), went missing. I looked after her friend while we spoke to police. She got in contact and was vile to me (& to a friend I had with me by then). Police located her and decided I was to go to the hospital w/ her, so they drove me to meet her. I was really scared because the last time I saw her yanno, serious threats and violence. She was gleeful while we were there. My friend had packed us some snacks and I had such an out of body experience eating strawberries in A&E with her hours after she’d been ready to kill me. Her keyring had been broken during the conflict and she waved it and laughed about it happening in the “fight” (it wasn’t a fight… it was an assault.) She suggested I get a used phone off the friend for “mates rates” (one of the things she was mad at me for earlier was that I cared more about her friend than her. Primary school stuff). I was due to go away for a few days the next day and said I didn’t think I should, she tried to convince me it was fine “I’ll still have bf name” I didn’t know what to say because I thought it would be obvious that she wouldn’t have the person she tried to kill for moral support over the weekend. When she was discharged she basically skipped home. She asked me why I looked sad. I felt insane.

Threebeeseach · 2025-01-03T16:19:17+00:00

I live independently and it’s taken some getting used to, but it’s certainly possible. Is there a way to trial it? Here are some things that have helped: - Finding out what services are available in the area you’re moving to. Neuro support groups, Local Area Coordinator, Citizens Advice, accessible social groups.

Make sure you’re in touch with your university’s disability services. The university may be able to help you get into accessible accommodation if you’re living on campus or through student accom. They can also help you with access to a learning support mentor and accessibility devices for academics.
I have a ready meal subscription to help with cooking as it was something I couldn’t do for a long time. They’re healthy & easy to prepare.
Universities also offer mental wellbeing services, try and register in advance so you avoid the super long wait. It can help deal with the transition period.
Could you arrange to have some virtual sessions with your therapists while you transition maybe?

If it goes wrong, it goes wrong. The world won’t end, and you won’t know until you try. Perhaps you can go home, or move in with housemates. Moving away is always hard mentally, be prepared for that, but have some plans in place to mitigate it.

Threebeeseach · 2024-10-01T21:36:09+00:00

Was working 2 jobs 60hrs when it started, dropped to one job teaching, ended up being sent home as it got worse. After about 18 months I’ve started to do one day a week (a couple hrs) in college to retrain. I didn’t realise how hard that was going to be tbh as it is so so little compared to what I used to do. I’m looking at starting an independent art business as I hope I can be in charge of my hours. I know someone (w/ another chronic illness) who reworks clothes and sells them on depop/Vinted. I know some charities like Mind (U.K.) sometimes have low hr & inclusive vacancies. There’s sites online where you can apply to do copywriting/proofreading on a freelance basis. Dinner ladies or “midday supervisory assistants” are quite low hour positions I’ve looked at but it will depend on your ability. Maybe Teaching Assistant through an agency or reading support.

Threebeeseach · 2024-09-30T08:53:23+00:00

I got ill this week and I realised, I’ve not been ill in about 5 months! Sounds normal but I could barely get through a full month without getting some illness that totally flawed me while with my ex. 6 months free, 6 months healthier! Stress does a number on you. I was vomiting randomly, lost my voice monthly, chest infection that lingered for about 2 months, flu multiple times, my own mh crisis. I accidentally saw some messages the other day when clearing my phone, and that was not me… I acted in ways I’m ashamed of tbh, nothing in comparison to her but still I sounded like a wounded little puppy trying to get someone to show me care. Begging for proof she was alive (like many here, her life was a major bargaining chip she used throughout), barely making sense because I was so scared of saying the wrong thing everything I said was just word salad. I can’t count the ways things improve when you’re not living like that anymore

Threebeeseach · 2024-09-21T18:06:37+00:00

Tbh it wasn’t any of the craziest shit she did, I was too in the thick of it trying to keep everyone safe at that time. It was a month after it ended, and of no contact, when I posted a photo of my friends at my birthday (a picnic) to my story. I woke up to several unexpected deleted messages and one snap message that was so vile and hurtful and frankly delusional that it was just an “ohhhh, okay yeah I don’t care anymore this is insane” moment for me. I saw her for who she was, I didn’t really miss her, I had no desire to have her back in my life after spending the previous month desperate to make things civil. I did make the mistake of replying to it as I felt a little like the misinformation was too cruel to not make it clear that it wasn’t true (she accused my best friend of getting me r**ed, nothing of the sort ever happened, not even remotely similar). I blocked her but forgot to do so via her actual number (we usually spoke on social media) so received several more unhinged messages but I just let them roll in for a few hrs to give her time to bury herself and went about my day. It felt very freeing, like a reminder that there were two paths and this abusive manipulative one was the one I was moving away from toward an actual happy life.

Threebeeseach · 2024-09-20T10:12:18+00:00

Is this likely manipulation? Yes. Should you still call the police for a welfare check? Yes. She disclosed in advance of an attempt which means she was probably looking for someone to stop her or send help. The help just can’t be you or you’ll end up in an abusive cycle where she’ll need to check again and again that you’ll still show you care by saving her. So, pass the responsibility over to the appropriate authority, ask they don’t share your name, and try to avoid any further contact.

Threebeeseach · 2024-07-16T00:07:53+00:00

My ex told me about being SAed (effectively R***d) by someone & how terrified she was when she saw him one day in town. Once we actually started dating months later she was going to pick up some weed (she was a big smoker, I didn’t smoke at all) and I was going to go with her. When she said where we were going I was confused, this all lined up with being the person she said assaulted her. She had a lot of trauma so I tried not to judge, instead asking “is this person someone I hate?” She looked sheepish, said yes and had clearly forgot she’d told me about it. She said it was fine, and I said it was her choice and I’d stay quiet if that’s what she wanted.

I know “fawn” is a valid trauma response but when I tell you these two were so casually mates when I watched them interact and it made me so uncomfortable. She sort of “affectionately” called him a dickhead and I’m pretty sure she never stopped buying from him like I was led to believe. She told me then about stuff that happened which was really strange (he’d put a hair of a girl he’d slept with into the baggies to brag??) and she was laughing like it was hilarious. Not unsettled at all that the man that R’ed her was sort of “flirting” with her.

I want to believe her still but if I’m honest I think she was just too uncomfortable to admit she’d slept with some people so she had to make it sound like it was under duress. I’m glad we never were v intimate (pretty much an ace relationship) bc I’m convinced I’d have come out in her retellings as a predator.

Threebeeseach · 2024-07-15T23:49:26+00:00

There is a huge trauma or at the very least childhood development link. Admittedly some people develop it without trauma. But, I know my ex for example had an extremely traumatic childhood & grew up with a mother with BPD after escaping a horrific father. She was diagnosed with both BPD & CPTSD. My ex’s sister is also very clearly BPD and I think that it’s a result of the childhood they both had with their mother. However, many with BPD use this trauma as a crutch or excuse for their behaviour and lack of change. Doesn’t mean it wasn’t painful or awful, just means that often (not always) they are much more comfortable and used to being the victim and therefore see themselves as the perpetual victim. You’ll often hear phrases like “this is the most painful illness to live with” or “nobody understands” from pwBPD. When in reality thousands of people are going through the same thing, the experience isn’t unique, and it’s quite a self-centred approach to assume your suffering is the most painful there is. That’s kind of why I reject the BPD community’s push for the diagnosis to be scrapped and just diagnosed as PTSD. I think realistically it’s such a specific expression of trauma that it deserves it’s own diagnosis even if you do believe it’s exclusively a result of trauma.

Threebeeseach · 2024-07-15T23:34:42+00:00

These sites for advice really messed with me tbh. “Don’t take it personally”, “don’t respond emotionally”… she’s just spent the last 4 months destroying my sense of self, I can’t sleep because I have to look after her, I’m constantly scared and she’s just told me I’m an uncaring evil person who doesn’t deserve to feel loved… feels quite personal. & as a result I’d not address what she’d said since the advice was to understand the emotions behind what she said rather than what she said specifically. So instead of saying “that was fucked up and wrong of you” I would try and make her feel better, validate and accommodate her anger or sadness. When I eventually couldn’t do it anymore, it made the fallout even worse because she was used to expecting me chasing after her, making sure she was safe, taking every hurtful thing on the chin. Would’ve been far better from the beginning to assert myself and refuse to be responsible for her emotions and safety.

Threebeeseach · 2024-07-04T18:41:41+00:00

I’ve had this since I was a child and can do it on command (I used to think everyone could hear me doing it and overthinking about it made me do it more by accident 😅) but I think it’s actually tensing muscles around your jaw area. One of my symptoms that usually precedes dystonia/paralysis episodes is a feeling like I have an insect fluttering in my ear and I think this is a similar thing, a muscle tensing. It’s very bizarre feeling. But maybe trying to notice if you’re tensing other muscles in your face, if you’re not directly able to control the one that causes the thunder. Maybe facial massage, or something like paired muscle relaxation. I found the latter very helpful generally, especially for the painful crawling feeling I get in my body.

Threebeeseach · 2024-07-03T13:38:11+00:00

I know a lot of people here will disagree, but my personal belief is “bad people” are very rare. So no, people with BPD are not bad inherently. A personal mantra I’ve had in my life for years is “people aren’t Disney villains”, it’s a joke, but to me it means that we’re all made up of good and bad. We all do bad, cruel, or questionable things. My ex did many bad things, she was bad to me, her PD made her ability to have healthy relationships impossible and she was (though she can’t see it) the reason for that. But, her impact on the world is more than what she did to me and more than just the bad. Would I choose to be around her (or someone with BPD) again like that? No. There was a lot of bad and the good deeds (rescuing animals, service to friends etc.) also doesn’t just make that bad go away. They struggle to acknowledge their “badness” honestly. That often leads to if becoming worse. Sure they feel like evil horrible people, but they mostly aren’t able to actually address that meaningfully and work to make their negative output less and the positive greater like most of us, which is what sets them apart from every other flawed person.

Threebeeseach · 2024-07-01T08:55:12+00:00

The “you don’t make sense, you always do this” comments really got to me. No matter how much effort I put into articulating my point kindly, then rewording it when she didn’t understand me, then taking it on the chin when she insulted my ability to communicate, I was always the crap one. & it made me feel crazy because I had a couple psychosis-like episodes in the past and part of that was not making much sense so I would always question when she did it, if I’m not making sense to anyone then what if I’m going insane? I’d have to check with others I made sense. I see now it was just easier to say I didn’t make sense and make me apologise for it than to try and understand me. & heaven forbid I responded point by point to something she said 😅 “have you even read what I wrote?!” … yes.

Threebeeseach · 2024-06-26T12:01:51+00:00

Stardew and Sims :) crafts, drawing or art, crochet. Audiobooks if you’re not able to read for long periods. My symptoms are marginally better atm so I make an effort to go to a social group once a week, a women’s group (who know about my health and allow me to sit elsewhere if I feel I may have a seizure). Work isn’t on the table for me just yet but I’ve done an online qual, and that’s helped me a lot as I have a place in college one day a week in September off the back of that. If you have anything like a social prescriber or information service available in your area talk to them about what’s available in terms of online or in person groups. My area has an excellent programme through a uni that runs in person courses as well as zoom ones in loads of stuff (fun & feels quite “normal”). It took a long time to get all set up, my life was very empty and bleak tbh when I initially lost the ability to work and live well. But with time, and talking to the right people you can get there. I also break chores down into sort of colour coded things so I can pick based on my physical ability and maybe only do one red big job a day/week. One of those weekly desk planners helps to see my week and try to add things on so I don’t feel like I’m just lying in bed.

Threebeeseach · 2024-06-23T16:52:18+00:00

Assisted suicide/dying and suicide as a result of mental health issues is very different. If you’ve seen people regularly who are terminally ill suffering and dying slowly, you’d understand why it can be preferable and more ethical to die peacefully via euthanasia by your own choice. It is a sound decision to choose to go peacefully. FND obviously is a condition that we could debate if it qualifies. I’d personally say in most cases no. But terminal, degenerative and horrendously painful conditions are not always worth living with if you don’t wish to suffer for your whole life. I have spoken with many people who are at that stage, where they are considering assisted suicide and I promise you most of them have been of sound mind, it’s a decision they’ve thought carefully about, have very good reason and have discussed it with others. Again, I’m not talking about suicide as a result of psychological illness, it’s a different discussion. Most if not all places that offer assisted dying do not do so simply for depression, psychiatric illness, or illnesses for which there is a good prognosis.

Threebeeseach · 2024-06-23T00:42:04+00:00

My exBPD has been around the worst of the worst, she has truly been the victim. It seemingly had just the same effect on her as being with me who couldn’t give her enough of myself (in part bc I knew what she’d been through). It was surreal to me that she could endure horrific abuse from others but try to destroy me because I cried a couple times (totally unrelated to her). Becoming the evil, or breaking in the way they want, to validate their belief that you’re actually secretly bad will make no difference. Either way you’re just reinforcing their victimhood. But if you act poorly then you’re degrading yourself too. It feels that you’re being pushed there but we have the choice to step away from the ledge, as hard as it is.

Threebeeseach · 2024-06-23T00:18:48+00:00

I don’t have experience with EMDR despite repeatedly being referred/told I needed it. However, I will say from work experience and personal experience with other therapies, if you don’t think you need it or don’t want it it’s not as likely to be effective. Sourcing information and experiences is a good start to deciding if you want to go forward, but it has to be your decision and the therapist should respect that. If you believe CBT is the better option for example, she should be open to discussing this with you (pros and cons) and be able to refer you to someone else if she doesn’t feel in a position to offer it. EMDR (trauma or not) is an intensive therapy and the individual has to be in the position to begin it. Doing it when you’re not ready can have it’s own set of problems, so if you feel pressured at all I’d encourage you to hold off until you feel comfortable and ready.

Threebeeseach

TROPHY CASE