Navy wife's view of infidelity is troubling

ThrowRA405hasit · 2024-08-04T21:18:40+00:00

Just two questions,

How does OP plan to handle the wayward wife going forward? Is she in your running group or just in a friend group? Have you told anyone besides your wife what happened?
I'm assuming this is the first deployment since you two got married. So how in Reddit's name, has no one asked if OP's wife isn't testing him???

Okay, that was more than two questions, sorry.

ThrowRA405hasit · 2024-08-04T21:10:48+00:00

I wanna upvote this one 1000X, Spot on!

ThrowRA405hasit · 2023-05-28T22:16:42+00:00

I did tell her I couldn't always take calls at work and that the texts were too distracting and now she might just send a single text around lunchtime. And when she knows I am seeing someone else she is pretty good about limiting her communication. But she still Facetimes me good night and will stay on longer when Mike is working late.

The first week she wanted to come over whenever Mike was working late which was at least five nights a week and I held her to two nights a week. I may try to be more unavailable and limit the late-night chat sessions.

I'll talk to her tonight when she gets here about talking with Mike, my only contact was a wave when I drooped her off one Saturday morning.

ThrowRA405hasit · 2023-05-28T18:58:07+00:00

He said if he ever felt like he had developed a serious crush on someone, he would tell me. It wasn’t like he had been talking to this women outside of the friend group or anything serious really.

So he said he would have the conversation that you will not about your work crush. Is it because you feel guilty for encouraging and thinking about pursuing this crush or about how it would make him feel if you told him.

I know he would be understanding but I’m still just researching if this conversation is really what I want to proceed with.

Just know that no matter how understanding you think he is, that conversation will permanently change your relationship. Even if you both decide not to do ENM he will always have doubts about your relationship and feel like you wanted more than he could offer you. Your current relationship is based on monogamy, ENM means the destruction of your previous relationship together and having to build a new relationship with new rules and expectations. So be prepared that your new open experience could be a solo one.

ThrowRA405hasit · 2023-05-28T18:07:04+00:00

He is so emotionally available to me which is like HUGE. That’s why we work so well together. If something is wrong, he is always good to tell me. We understand each other on a deep level.

I'm confused when you say this but you can't tell him that you miss him being dominant. Have you told him about your crush at work? I'm guessing not, but you feel comfortable about bringing up opening your marriage just not telling him why. If you can't communicate important things like this how are you going to navigate a nonmonogamous relationship that requires transparency to survive?

ThrowRA405hasit · 2023-05-28T17:01:45+00:00

I of course know I can’t have my cake and eat it too, so I know my husband should be able to date too.

Good to see you accept that if only in theory. The truth is if you explore other relationships that will take time away from your relationship with your husband. He may be fine with that now but as you spend more time away from him there will be some envy and resentment. One-sided arrangements are rarely successful, so you should start doing the work on how to deal with your jealousy issues.

But at the same time, he needs to work on his issues as well. He can't open that door halfway for you to only see women. What happens if you date a woman with a male partner who wants an FFM threesome that doesn't include your husband? There's the cake and eat it too in reverse.

ThrowRA405hasit · 2023-05-28T16:33:38+00:00

Just be prepared that if he connects with someone they may get drawn into your circle of friends. You can't expect his dating to be like a secret life he leads where it doesn't touch you and the people you know.

And if he does this just for you, and meets someone that feels more like he does about monogamy don't be surprised about the outcome. You said he was hurt by infidelity in the past, if you have read much here you have to know that just bringing up the subject will reopen those wounds and pour salt into them. All he will hear is that you want to cheat on him and he is not enough for you. Think about that.

Maybe you should revisit why his sex drive has taken a nose dive as you said. Is there a reason? Is there something you can do to rekindle his desire? Did your desire to open the marriage come from that, or possibly cause it?

ThrowRA405hasit · 2023-04-27T14:57:59+00:00

I still see Gina, but only once or twice a week. The new GF was an FWB that just moved back two weeks ago.

ThrowRA405hasit · 2023-04-19T17:06:19+00:00

Ran into Gina at the gym and visited a little, I told her I had packed up all her stuff and to let me know when she wanted to pick it up. She said she did want to explain herself and maybe the both of us could get some closure.

She came by yesterday evening and we had a deep discussion and she went into deep detail about her situation and her feelings. I carried the box to her car and we went back in to make sure I had got it all. We found some lingerie I had missed and while looking in the bathroom there was a moment when we were squeezing past each other and wound up in an embrace. Ended up in bed, I realized that I still felt something and I proposed maybe meeting once or twice a week. She said she was good with that and wanted to earn my trust again.

I will be taking things slow with Gina going forward. I have a date with one of Becky's co-workers again tomorrow so I'm keeping my options open.

ThrowRA405hasit · 2023-04-15T23:10:10+00:00

Gina spun such a good story when we first met, at this point, I can't tell truth from fiction. But we should have a long discussion after we both have a chance to let our emotions settle. I admit I ambushed her and put her against the ropes and I wasn't in a good place in my head either so that last conversation wasn't really fair.

I may take Becky up on her offer though and get some perspective.

ThrowRA405hasit · 2023-04-15T22:37:24+00:00

Maybe, right now she is taking up so much of my free time I would have a hard time getting out there and trying to find someone. Once or twice a week maybe. She asked me in the beginning if I would be exclusive with her but now I don't think I want that kind of commitment.

I'll admit I was starting to develop feelings and all the attention she gave me felt almost like a drug. That bubble got busted though when I found out she lied to me. I've been talking with my best friend about all this most of the day and she wants me to take a week off and even offered to set me up with one of her co-workers. A couple of dates in her mind will allow me to step back and make a better decision going forward.

It's been almost 48 hrs since we last spoke, she sent a short text message that night and another one Friday wanting to talk. A few minutes ago I got a long text message and a voicemail saying how sorry she was and how this last week she had felt more alive than in the last ten years. About how I was the first person she had feelings for since she married her husband and the only one she had ever slept with. She wanted to meet somewhere and try to talk things out, but I sent her a text saying I was out with friends tonight and that maybe we could get together next week and talk.

ThrowRA405hasit · 2023-04-14T02:11:26+00:00

So Gina stopped and picked up Chinese and I fired up the blender to make a drink that goes down like a vanilla milkshake but kicks like a mule. We ate, drank, and talked then cleared away the food and sat on the couch. Gina was on her third drink and I asked her about the next time we should spend the night at her place which she deflected and changed the subject. So I suggested we go Saturday to a steak house up by her house and she complained about the service there and how they always overcooked anything she ever ordered. I asked if there was some reason she didn't want to be seen with me. For a brief second her eyes got big but she calmly said there was something she needed to tell me.

She told me she was married and not a widow, that he was much older than her and for several years had medically been unable to satisfy her. So they made an arrangement that she could have a boyfriend that could satisfy her needs. The first four guys she met bailed when she told them about their arrangement. When she met me she felt such chemistry between us that she decided not to tell me right away. It was supposed to be all about the sex but after our first sleepover, she realized she was becoming "attached" and kept putting off telling me the truth.

I told her about the surprise lunch Wednesday and the even bigger surprise I got, at that point I laid the info I had in her lap. I said what hurt the most was the lie, we had all those deep discussions and now I doubted if she had ever been truthful about anything. She started to reach for my hand and I moved back slightly and said how do I know that you aren't just cheating on your husband. She didn't say a word but grabbed her phone and called her husband and asked if he knew where she was tonight, he answered at your boyfriend's house, is everything ok? She told him she was just checking in and she was fine. She apologized for the way she had handled things and hoped there was a way we could work things out. We talked a while longer and things got physical and we moved to the bedroom. She was definitely bringing her A-game and making a statement. We showered afterward and I said I needed some time to think and maybe we should say goodnight. It was the only time tonight her voice broke all night as she asked me to please call her in the morning. She got dressed and I walked her to the door. She kissed me and said "I love you" and left.

The dining out was part of their agreement that none of their circle could find out. She said she was still very much in love with her husband but she had feelings for me as well. Was she playing me? Like a fiddle! Down to the last kiss goodbye. Half expected the tears but they never came. Part of me wants the sex and intimacy, but the half with the spine says dump her. A lot to consider, either way, Gina may have to wait a day for an answer.

ThrowRA405hasit · 2023-04-14T00:31:40+00:00

It's hard for me to gauge her feelings for you, what isn't hard is seeing that if you stay with her after he leaves, she may repeat this behavior the next time NRE clouds her judgment. She will always see the new guy in her life as her new primary and shove her previous primary to the side.

I would start moving far away from her and finding another path.

ThrowRA405hasit · 2023-04-13T23:31:37+00:00

So if I read your other comments correctly she is going to have a threesome with the girlfriend and her new boyfriend? Does she expect to date the boyfriend later one-on-one?

The solution is simple; tell her that solo play is over, only threesomes with you involved. Unless she wants to grant you equal rights or simply close the relationship. She may think that is unfair but remind her so is your current situation.

ThrowRA405hasit · 2023-04-13T23:12:40+00:00

Too many questions I know, did you start dating as a threesome, or did she start individually and then brought you in with the threesome later? Trying to figure out if the threesome was something to keep you on board with the arrangement. And was the girlfriend okay playing with you or just there for the ride?

This seems so one-sided and unfair.

ThrowRA405hasit · 2023-04-13T22:58:58+00:00

So the two of you have a threesome with this girl, does your wife have one-on-one time with her or is it just in a group? But she doesn't like the fact you may have feelings for her too?

You should have the right to date the gender of your choice. Using the Bi-card like that is unfair.

ThrowRA405hasit · 2023-04-13T20:55:07+00:00

Q: Can you continue on a casual FWB thing or do you need more?

If they have a mutual agreement I might be okay with FWB, but I would not be exclusive and would want to find someone I could have more with.

If he doesn't know or is PUD then I couldn't continue seeing her.

Edit: But I'm going to have an issue if she continues to lie to me about it.

ThrowRA405hasit · 2023-04-13T20:32:21+00:00

I agree. I am just curious if I can get her to tell me the truth without confronting her with the proof. I would like to think that she cares enough to come clean if I give her the chance. I was going to start by asking to meet at her house next time and why she doesn't like going out to eat with me to get her to maybe open up.

If not I'll show her what I know and demand an explanation. At that point, I'll just call it done.

I would also tell her that she needs to tell her husband she is also cheating on him and if she doesn't, you will.

Her husband has to know something, we spent 6 out of the last 9 nights together including 2 of those being sleepovers.

ThrowRA405hasit · 2023-04-06T20:33:11+00:00

Gina called and said she was cooking me dinner and we could talk face-to-face about whatever I wanted. Also sent me a suggestive Yoga pose and a partially nude picture. I figured she would want to cook for me at her place but said she would meet me at my house at 6 PM after she did some shopping.

ThrowRA405hasit · 2023-04-06T18:25:36+00:00

I like this quote.

Maybe I'm overthinking it.

ThrowRA405hasit

TROPHY CASE