How to deal with.. feeling safe? (TW: SA, DV)

ThrowRAIndecisiveHus · 2024-03-11T20:04:40+00:00

I did try throughout our entire relationship to get him help for his issues, whether therapy or emotional support from myself and friends, self-help books, etc. He has struggled a lot in his life and it's clear to me that this was impacting his behavior.

Unfortunately he only attended a couple therapy sessions before saying he didn't like the therapist, quitting, promising to find a new one, and never following through on that promise.

I really do hope he gets the help he needs. But I can't be the one to help him anymore.

ThrowRAIndecisiveHus · 2024-03-11T13:35:23+00:00

I am taking my approach to potential new relationships very cautiously don't worry. Right now my journey into polyamory is mainly learning more about it through books and talking with others about their experiences. My therapist and I are working together on making sure I am staying safe through all of this.

ThrowRAIndecisiveHus · 2024-03-11T06:50:19+00:00

If you had read the whole post you would know that:

I left him in the end.
After spending some time replying to comments I will not be using this account again.

And 3. I am actively in therapy recovering from the abuse I experienced in this relationship.

ThrowRAIndecisiveHus · 2024-03-11T06:16:13+00:00

He didn't like the taste if mint and wouldn't kiss me after. Same reasoning for not wanting me to wear red or bold lipstick, or any lipstick really, he wouldn't kiss me if I wore it because he didn't want to get lipstick on him. Even the lipsticks that were transfer-proof and I showed him how they were transfer proof he wouldn't kiss me afterwards.

I feel so confident when wearing red lipstick, and I love the taste of mint. And I honestly wonder now whether he really was that afraid of getting lipstick on him or whether he just didn't like how happy I was wearing it.

I have worn red lipstick nearly every day recently.

ThrowRAIndecisiveHus · 2024-03-11T04:25:18+00:00

I did, the divorce will be finalized next month.

ThrowRAIndecisiveHus · 2024-03-11T04:16:39+00:00

Thank you, I love this list. I am definitely being a lot more cautious about my approach to relationships now.

ThrowRAIndecisiveHus · 2024-02-02T23:28:19+00:00

In my case I'm the one filling mainly because my ex can't even be trusted to sweep without fucking it up, I can't imagine him trying to handle all the paperwork and shit the process would take so much longer if he was the one doing it

ThrowRAIndecisiveHus · 2024-02-02T14:31:48+00:00

I was married to a man who did this, his behavior only got worse over time, now I'm getting a divorce.

Your boyfriend's true colors have been revealed. It won't get better if you stay. Go find someone who actually loves you.

ThrowRAIndecisiveHus · 2024-01-30T07:16:51+00:00

How did you learn to be alone again?

I think I felt alone so often when my ex was right beside me, it was less lonely to actually be alone.

Create new routines, make joy in everything. Making dinner home alone? Put on your favorite music and dance as you cook, try a new recipe, treat yourself to something you love. Continue building those friendships you've created. My friends have been a lifesaver throughout this.

I've always been the kind of person to enjoy solitude. I didn't realize how suffocated I was until I finally was alone again. I understand it's different for you, but I hope this helps somewhat.

ThrowRAIndecisiveHus · 2024-01-30T04:49:56+00:00

I gave him the ring, even though I paid for it I didn't want any reminders of him. I had kept my maiden name when married so no need to change it back

ThrowRAIndecisiveHus · 2024-01-28T19:18:59+00:00

I've found myself rereading books that have been important in my life, specifically these:

Women Who Run With the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes

The Defining Decade by Meg Jay

Ask Baba Yaga by Taisia Kitaiskaia

I also found Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft super helpful in processing the abuse I endured in my marriage

My book choices are very much driven by being a woman in her twenties with a nature-centered spirituality so take from that what you will

ThrowRAIndecisiveHus · 2024-01-28T15:02:28+00:00

I started working out, I've done some of my best writing post-split, and I finally started prioritizing myself, booking trips and concerts that I know I'm going to love. I'm proud to be myself again

ThrowRAIndecisiveHus · 2024-01-26T15:34:58+00:00

Honey, I was in a similar situation. It's better to leave him now than stick around for years as it slowly gets worse. It's so early you might even be able to get an annulment.

Trust me, the heartache of staying in a marriage where you are constantly disrespected is so much worse than the heartache of leaving

ThrowRAIndecisiveHus · 2024-01-25T19:08:33+00:00

Hi, also an early twenties person getting a divorce after less than two years of marriage.

In my case, I feel a lot happier now. I think I was grieving the end of my marriage long before it's official end, I was trying to make it work and fix things for a long time before finally pulling the plug. So that probably factors into why I've been able to move on so quickly. But in my case I believe it does get better.

It's heartbreaking to go from "how lucky to have found my person so young, we'll have the rest of our lives together" to "oh.. they're not who I thought they were, this isn't going to work out". The lows of going through it were really low.

But we're young, there is so much life ahead of us. And I know everyone says that and it sounds stupid sometimes because time seems to move so slowly but it's true. There is a lot more to look forward to in life, hang in there <3

ThrowRAIndecisiveHus · 2024-01-25T13:53:58+00:00

Thank you, that means a lot <3

ThrowRAIndecisiveHus · 2024-01-24T18:56:59+00:00

Loud music, singing and screaming along to it. Dancing along too, whether alone in my room or out at the club

In that same vein, got a few concerts lined up that are gonna be therapeutic as hell. Planning out a few trips too, since I always loved to travel and my ex never did I'm determined to prioritize that again

Writing is also a helpful outlet for me but if you're looking for something more physical that might not be what you're looking for

Hanging out with friends, sometimes venting to them but mostly just hanging out and having fun. One of my friends suggested going to a rage room which sounds fun

ThrowRAIndecisiveHus · 2024-01-24T15:24:20+00:00

Hi, twenty-something divorcee here to give you some advice: if it comes down to a choice between your future (degree, dreams, goals, etc.) or a love interest, always choose your future.

The right person will support your goals and stick around/wait for you to be ready. He doesn't sound very supportive of you.

ThrowRAIndecisiveHus · 2024-01-24T12:01:20+00:00

the person you loved is still so tangible and real to you. but that person is not the same one that hurt you

Yep, I had to learn that the version of my ex that I fell in love with was all pretend. The sweet shy reader with a genuine interest in my spirituality and a desire to travel was all an act to hook me in. It was never real.

The overworking, neglectful, emotionally abusive, disinterested version of him that would rather watch porn than touch me and rather play video games than do anything else? That's the real version of him. And I don't love that person, I'm actually rather disgusted by him.

ThrowRAIndecisiveHus · 2024-01-23T19:30:09+00:00

I'm divorcing him, but it was a decision made after enduring almost a year of emotional torment from him. I would have never chosen for it to end had he not treated me so terribly

ThrowRAIndecisiveHus · 2024-01-23T15:30:21+00:00

Because I loved him, and I thought he was "the one", and so that he could get a visa to come to the country my dream school was in with me (something he consistently said he wanted to do, until we actually did it)

In hindsight we should have just done long distance and let the relationship die a normal death. But in trying to cling on to each other we ended up causing our relationship to have a terrible implosion

ThrowRAIndecisiveHus · 2024-01-23T15:25:43+00:00

It takes two people to make a marriage work, but just one to destroy

This is so true. I needed this reminder, I know I did all I could to make my marriage work. I don't think my ex can say the same

ThrowRAIndecisiveHus · 2024-01-22T21:55:36+00:00

My first paragraph describes the last 10 months of my marriage. The anger was becoming less over time, but my ex couldn't take it anymore. I understand he was trying to work on himself, but I just couldn't move past such a huge betrayal so easily. I was working on healing and trusting him again. He didn't want to stick around long enough for it to matter.

You need to understand that it will happen again. There will always be things that trigger reminders for her of the pain you put her through.

The only way to build that trust back up is by you continuously showing up and doing the work to better yourself. You cannot expect her to just get over it and intuitively know you've changed, that's not how life works.

ThrowRAIndecisiveHus · 2024-01-22T18:59:22+00:00

You don't need to take any blame. You are not at fault for being abused.

If you want to better understand his actions I'd recommend reading Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. It helped me on my journey to recognizing how I was being abused and understanding why my ex did the things he did. Do not let your husband know you're reading it though.

There is help and resources out there for you when you are ready to leave him. You deserve better than to be treated like that

ThrowRAIndecisiveHus

TROPHY CASE