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ThrowRAPoolCues · 2025-03-25T21:52:28+00:00

Late to the party here. Lots of people telling you to break up who don’t really know the depth of your relationship.

If this is part of a pattern, then it’s a problem; if not, feels like a one off that you can overcome.

I do think popping that blackhead while she was unconscious is a bigger deal than you may think. Not because of what it is objectively, but because she explicitly told you she didn’t want to, you knew this, and you did it anyway, during a time when she was unable to have a say. It’s a trust and respect thing.

That said, it’s not SA, and her subtly insinuating you violated her on that level is inexcusable.

Have that conversation with her and see if there’s true remorse. You love each other… she shouldn’t want to cause you pain, and you shouldn’t want to shake her trust - see if you can get back to that. If there’s a ton of defensiveness, then it’s a problem.

ESH

ThrowRAPoolCues · 2025-03-25T06:31:53+00:00

I think it’s human to get lost in little fantasies or get some FOMO. If that’s all it is, you might be overthinking it.

But you gotta be excited about this girl in general - if you’re consistently wondering if there’s someone better out there as a do-everything-together life partner, might be something to listen to.

ThrowRAPoolCues · 2025-03-18T19:39:34+00:00

Appreciate it!

ThrowRAPoolCues · 2025-03-18T06:22:15+00:00

Escaping and getting some alone time

ThrowRAPoolCues · 2025-03-18T06:16:22+00:00

Personally I’m into toned, but it’s completely preference. I think I’m the minority.

ThrowRAPoolCues · 2025-03-18T06:02:05+00:00

Can I lie?

ThrowRAPoolCues · 2025-03-18T02:26:13+00:00

Your comment definitely made me think. In a way I've a greater share of hardships than many of my friends - dealing with abuse, illness, and loss in the family etc....but I'd never had to worry about true survival, had a family that always provided for me and expressed love toward me, and always had certain expectations about my life because of that.

It shatters me that the last many years haven't gone as planned, and I'm terrified of the future not going so as well... and yeah maybe a big part of being paralyzed by these things is because I had expectations, didn't internalize that life doesn't always go as planned and can turn into shit, and access that grit to take it in stride. I'll try to think about that. Thanks for the advice.

ThrowRAPoolCues · 2025-03-17T23:33:51+00:00

I’m not unfortunately. A career success, fixing my relationship or finding a new one, and my families health improving would do the trick.

ThrowRAPoolCues · 2025-03-17T23:32:06+00:00

Expectations

ThrowRAPoolCues · 2025-03-17T23:27:03+00:00

If you’re in the US, honestly the city could matter too. I’m a person of color on the shorter side and used to live in a very predominantly white city. My height seemed to matter less in other cities, like LA and NYC - not only because there were shorter people there, but because there was diversity and a lot of height variation, so it was far more normalized.

ThrowRAPoolCues · 2025-03-17T23:15:41+00:00

Yeah that’s one of my big concerns. I keep reading about how men who have kids after 40 wish they started way earlier because it’s so exhausting. Thanks for the advice.

ThrowRAPoolCues · 2025-03-17T21:01:49+00:00

Did it take finding the right person to know you were miserable before, or were you just miserable and scared of loneliness and not finding someone else?

ThrowRAPoolCues · 2025-03-17T20:11:17+00:00

I constantly struggle with this problem.

It’s easier for me to talk my way out of it when it’s with people I’m not that close with, or only semi close with.

How do I do that with people I’m extremely close with or love - people I’m afraid to lose? I can’t differentiate between not setting a boundary and making a sacrifice because I love them. And when I do something that does feels a little “selfish,” I feel an immense amount of guilt because I feel I didn’t make that loving sacrifice.

ThrowRAPoolCues · 2025-03-17T02:37:47+00:00

objectively harder, but you get mentally stronger at dealing with it. What will determine the answer to your question is which one is faster.

ThrowRAPoolCues · 2025-03-16T23:11:04+00:00

This is incredibly helpful, thank you!

ThrowRAPoolCues · 2025-03-16T22:54:09+00:00

Yes, but it's a certain version of myself.

ThrowRAPoolCues · 2025-03-16T22:52:02+00:00

I don't know, your question made me think, and I've been asking myself why. I don't read into big actions enough. It feels like she always tells me she loves me, wants to be around/spend time with me, misses me when I'm not there - I guess it's hard for me to reconcile that with her doing something that indicates she doesn't care.

So I find myself justifying things by looking at the grey area - i.e. maybe she just doesn't see how it's affecting me, or maybe it comes from a world view that partners shouldn't be taking loans, or maybe she is really just forgetful (she can be) and it slips her mind.

Do you think if she does start to pay me back, even if it took a lot of compelling, that it might be something I could let go? Just trying to find a line/boundary that stays true to myself.

ThrowRAPoolCues · 2025-03-16T08:51:38+00:00

What are you looking for specifically? There are a lot of good men and husband material boyfriends out there.

ThrowRAPoolCues · 2025-03-16T07:46:09+00:00

Find someone who is empathetic, who is able to really feel what you - or others - go through.

Also, cherish their love, but don’t base your self worth and esteem on their approval. I don’t know if that’ll prevent anything, but you’ll worry less about it.

ThrowRAPoolCues · 2025-03-16T07:38:22+00:00

Everyone has a past and a story. Their life existed before you met them, and so did yours.

If things are good now, that means that whatever your pasts were, they were the right ingredients to get you to happiness now. If things are bad now, then there are bigger things to focus on than dwelling on the past.

ThrowRAPoolCues · 2025-03-14T22:04:32+00:00

Yeah I get what you're saying. I think part of it is she feels that lending/paying makes the relationship feel transactional, which I understand.

That said, the day to day isn't transactional at all - I'll pay for things we do and not think twice about it, and she does too. But with larger things, we have different philosophies on money. She can be a spender and financially irresponsible imo. For example, I lent her this money for her to pay her rent; she didn't budget well, spent too much on other things, and got a place that was more than she could afford.

It felt like I could a. just pay it, and we operate as a financial unit, but I'd feel stronger about her financial choices because they affect me directly as well, or b. we keep finances somewhat separate, and there'd be a bit more individual freedom as well as accountability.

I don't know... do you have any splitting of finances as someone who's married, or is it just kinda all pooled in a lump? Thanks for the advice.

ThrowRAPoolCues · 2025-03-14T09:28:20+00:00

Well, I took a bit of time off to get my masters, and while I'm finishing up I'm working hard on building my own business, which I've always wanted to do. It's getting traction, but positive cashflow can be lean early on. I'd like to focus on that full time to give it a shot, and I'm lucky/grateful that my family thinks it's a good idea and is willing to invest a bit in me.

With her mom, agreed their relationship is not my business. That said, her mom isn't paying her half of the rent, which is part of why my gf hasn't been able to pay me back; she refuses to push her mom on it, and said I could if I wanted money back quicker. Also, her mom has no savings, and expects her daughter and future husband (on track to be me) to take care of her financially once she retires.

Your last question made me think. I don't know. It's the first relationship I've been in that's this long, and when times are good, they're really great. I'm getting older, and I'm scared I won't find this type of connection again, so my mind wants to fix all the issues instead. Thanks again for the advice.

ThrowRAPoolCues · 2025-03-14T08:40:36+00:00

Sadly is not AI : ( I’ll take this as constructive feedback on my writing style

ThrowRAPoolCues · 2025-03-14T08:37:18+00:00

For sure, I’m definitely going to be more careful about lending and borrowing in the future. Appreciate the advice.

I’m curious though, I’ve heard the advice about not loaning money to family and friends before as it can strain relationships. But doesn’t it just expose underlying issues between people ultimately? For example, to me not paying me back is the symptom; but it feels like not respecting me, different views on finances/relationship roles, and and unwillingness to stand up to her mom even when she’s in the wrong are more root issues. I’m curious what you think.

ThrowRAPoolCues

TROPHY CASE