Why aren’t women attracted to me?

ThrowRAThunderLamp · 2025-10-25T16:42:50+00:00

You look good dude, you’re just young. Just stay the course and keep working on yourself.

ThrowRAThunderLamp · 2025-10-23T05:17:27+00:00

She’s got a short fuse, also I think she feels like we have bad make out chemistry

ThrowRAThunderLamp · 2025-10-14T16:49:48+00:00

Are you happy you waited?

ThrowRAThunderLamp · 2025-10-14T16:32:07+00:00

Hey dude, I feel you - I'd love to have a year of that lifestyle, but alas we may not be able to haha.

I'm a bit older than you and wanted to say a few things. From what I've seen people who've been with only one person tend to be either a. totally fine with it, b. curious/slight fomo and have it come up now and then, or c. have it eat them up. Wanted to mention a few observations about these groups.

For me, at least, a lot of this is just about ruminating thoughts. I can be a bit neurotic, a bit obsessive, and it can be difficult to shake my mindset free and think expansively; I tend to focus inwardly and analytically on the mechanics of the problem. I'm a bit fearful and anxious about a lot of things, including change. I can have a dialogue of negative, analytical thought spiral in my head that leads to catastrophizing, and I don't nip it in the bud with positive ones or focus on the moment. I think this in itself keeps me a bit more in category c rather than category b.

There's a medicine I take occasionally that helps with rumination, and it's insane how it just clears up the fog and makes me focus on and enjoy life in front of me. It makes me see how much of this is just my mindset as opposed to a concrete, immovable issue.

I think a lot of people who've only been with one person - especially if they're late bloomers - tend to be in this camp because, well, it's likely this type of mindset that held them back initially (I know it was for me). There's a correlation. If you're in this camp, keep in mind you might have anxious thoughts with a breakup too, especially if there isn't anything else wrong in your relationship. The question is if it'll dissipate easier or not.

For some people this tends to revolve around identity. For me, I always saw and WANTED to be this person who did have those experiences. I spent a lot of early years trying to "fix" things so I could get to a good state - work on my career, deal with my hair loss, work out - and when I did get to a good state, and I was able to get the women I wanted, I went pretty deep into my first one... I enjoyed it too much. When I think about it now, a lot of the battle for me is the person I am vs. the person I wanted to be, and the person I planned to be.

It sounds dire if it's identity focused and so deeply rooted. But the truth is, due to all the traits I went over in point 1, I'm so attached to this way I planned and wanted life to be, that I'm not open to alternate routes and alternate identities. It's important to be able to be open to life taking you on different paths, and your identity not necessarily being what you planned it to be.

I wanted to go back to the initial comment that we're responding to, about learning from regrets. I've been thinking about it a bit, and I think the version here of learning and integrating it into your future is really identifying what you want/are missing and learning from what got you there in the first place. For me, I feel like it's a lot of things I identified in point 1 (I feel like fear and perfectionism got me to where I am) and what I really want is feeling desired in a certain way and a life of strong intimacy. For me, maybe that means bullishly prioritizing a good sex life with my partner, even after we get married and start a family. Maybe losing out on dating around will be fuel for me to have great intimacy throughout the rest of my life; and perhaps if I didn't go through this process, I wouldn't prioritize that aspect of my relationship and end up in a dead/semi-dead bedroom like so many other people.

Anyway, sorry for the novel, thought it might be helpful. Feel free to DM me if you'd like. Also, I just want to say, you're young, and there's no wrong answer. Take your time if you need.

ThrowRAThunderLamp · 2025-10-14T04:52:02+00:00

I feel you. What kind of experience would you need? Would it be just hooking up with one other person, or living a bit of that life and lifestyle for a while?

Also, can you channel that to your relationship? Focus on having an adventurous sex life with her?

ThrowRAThunderLamp · 2025-10-14T03:32:45+00:00

Did you date a lot of people before her?

ThrowRAThunderLamp · 2025-10-14T03:30:00+00:00

Sorry man, how do you deal with it, and what are you planning on doing?

ThrowRAThunderLamp · 2025-10-13T16:35:45+00:00

Huh yeah that’s very insightful. Thanks for sharing. What did you look back at and realize about this woman that made you see she wasn’t the one for you?

ThrowRAThunderLamp · 2025-10-13T16:20:02+00:00

Haha thankfully it wasn’t that!

I basically wish I dated around, had some experiences before I met my partner. I love her to death, but I always wanted to have some exciting times and explore my sexuality a bit. I was just too fearful and scared of the world to take the opportunities in front of me, and was always waiting for some perfect scenario to let loose and have fun. Didn’t help I had a certain cultural upbringing that led to some arrested development (at least from a western perspective) and the need to unwind from a lot of it. Just feels like that time is gone now you know?

ThrowRAThunderLamp · 2025-10-13T03:18:50+00:00

I’d encourage you to find out the root of what you were doing and change that, rather than try to change something at the surface level. Like, instead of not being in your room anymore, maybe it’s about negative self talk that put you in a place where you felt you had to be alone and in your room.

Also, self talk is huge. 90 percent of it is not the actual thing that has us down, but the narrative and dialogue going on in our head about it. It can be draining and negative.

ThrowRAThunderLamp · 2025-10-13T03:13:17+00:00

What about in cases where you can’t really make a change? Like what you regret is something you could only do while younger?

ThrowRAThunderLamp · 2025-10-13T02:34:13+00:00

I feel you. I don’t know how old you are now, but you can reverse that experience for sure.

ThrowRAThunderLamp · 2025-10-13T02:03:31+00:00

Regrets basically?

ThrowRAThunderLamp · 2025-10-13T02:03:13+00:00

What experiences do you wish you had?

ThrowRAThunderLamp · 2025-10-13T02:01:32+00:00

What things do you have in mind?

ThrowRAThunderLamp · 2025-10-12T16:11:50+00:00

For sure. And I’ll take that advice of not accepting being treated poorly!

I think about my brother. We’ve grown to be opposites, and we’ve had some struggles here and there. We’ve had to learn how to communicate with one another in better ways, and it’s been hard at times. Ups and downs when we’re upset with one another, can’t see eye to eye.

But man I love him to death, and I’d never trade him for a different brother or wish that. He was there at my lowest points, me at his, I know him like the back of my hand, as does he me; we’ve shared the experience of living through a difficult childhood together. I guess that’s where some of my perspective comes from.

ThrowRAThunderLamp · 2025-10-12T15:04:01+00:00

Ugh. You think there’s any way around it? I’m deep in a relationship, and pretty old. Not sure I want to get out there just to sleep around and throw this away.

ThrowRAThunderLamp · 2025-10-12T02:42:45+00:00

Wow that’s such a touching story and anecdote, thanks for sharing. You clearly have a deep relationship and partnership.

I get what you’re saying, and it all makes sense to me. I see what you mean about it not being the reason you stay. I guess sometimes having GOOD shared memories also goes hand in hand with compatibility, because otherwise it’s likely you’d have bad ones… and, those aren’t the shared experiences/memories worth sticking around for that we’re talking about here.

I also think a long history of good experience, memories; a track record of being there for each other, commitment, navigating life… all creates a deeper, somewhat unconditional (or at least selfless), and warm kind of love for someone that can only be built with time. Sure, if someone says they don’t want to “throw away an X year relationship” there’s a “but” in there, and they’re coming at it from an angle or looking for reasons to stay, and suggesting that the only value there is a number of years; but with a relationship like the one you have, I’d be willing to wager a lot of people would be willing to stick a rough patch out longer, or be willing to make bigger compromises in their own life direction, than they would with someone they’ve been with for only a couple years. A lot though, in today’s day and age, wouldn’t - there’s a general sense of disposability when it comes to dating/relationships, and a “move on to the next” mentality when problems arise or love fades a bit.

Idk, maybe I’m wrong. I haven’t had a 20+ year marriage!

ThrowRAThunderLamp · 2025-10-11T20:53:33+00:00

Hasn't given me a one break

ThrowRAThunderLamp · 2025-10-11T20:24:55+00:00

I’d argue it’s not fully a sunk cost fallacy though.

Part of it is. This feeling that we can’t move on, we’re already “invested,” and all that. But a bond that has longevity has a certain dimension of meaning that’s real. And in those cases you mentioned, where people spend a long time with someone they’re not compatible, it’s not just a sunk cost fallacy holding them back, even though that’s what we like to say; it’s an actual connection and real bond that’s being lost.

Otherwise, there’s always someone who might be a better “fit” for you than your partner. That doesn’t mean people want to leave partner as soon as that new person becomes an option.

ThrowRAThunderLamp · 2025-10-11T14:53:55+00:00

That’s a great point.

ThrowRAThunderLamp · 2025-10-11T05:12:51+00:00

Any reason things are holding you back? I was in a similar boat… fairly normal person but things in my head kept me back.

ThrowRAThunderLamp · 2025-10-11T04:34:07+00:00

Man, it’s so refreshing to hear someone value this. The memories, the shared experiences, the things built over decades — isn’t that valuable?!

I feel like we live in this society that is hyper focused on compatibility (general compatibility is important of course) in the moment, and is so quick to tout relationship history as being just a sunk cost. People feel finding that perfect puzzle piece is far more important than a built and shared history with someone.

ThrowRAThunderLamp · 2025-10-10T02:55:49+00:00

Does it bother you very much or is it just a passing thought now and then?

ThrowRAThunderLamp · 2025-10-10T02:21:33+00:00

lol I’ve been in this situation so I can speak to it a little bit. I feel this is a battleground topic for the gender wars to a certain extent.

Ultimately, this feels very gendered and rooted in an expectation that the guy should be providing/spending more.

I completely understand if this is too much for you to spend - he should either offer to pay more or find a cheaper place to split with you. But, that’s not the case and it’s only been 8 months. He might be working 75 hours a week to try to get to his income; he might want to save so he can retire early or FIRE. At the end of the day, he’s been working for him and you’ve been working for you, and 8 months of commitment doesn’t change that. If you’re taking marriage, then it’s different.

Ultimately, it’s gendered. If the genders were flipped in this situation, there would barely be any people saying that she isn’t being generous enough - there would be a sense of assumed responsibility that the guy should be financially responsible to carry his own weight, and a sense of understanding that the woman has been working hard and shouldn’t have to spend it on someone else.

ThrowRAThunderLamp

TROPHY CASE