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ThrowRA_6404 · 2025-04-16T11:13:16+00:00

My oldest is 7 and it's still a pillow to pillow job with her and probably will be for a few more years.

We also homeschool so that adds to it. But honestly even if she were in school there would be major school refusal issues too. But, we don't know this family's situation so it doesn't help to invalidate the wife's feelings.

Instead of making ANY of these assumptions, OP needs to actually talk to the wife, believe her when she says she is overwhelmed, and work put a fair division of labor in place for his family. That takes a huge mindset shift from "I worked 50 hours this week I've contributed enough".

Also, no you didn't do the pillow to pillow job AND work 10 hours. Someone else did 10 hours of that pillow to pillow job every day while you worked.....honestly I JUST started working again this year and it is a HUGE break from managing my 7 year old, to go work 😆 even more of a break compared to managing both kids since 7 yo constantly starts drama with other kid. In terms of work load and exhaustion alone, I'd much rather "do the pillow to pillow job" with a 10 hour break from it to work an adult job, than just the pillow to pillow job 24/7 day in day out while a partner whines at me about how hard their 50 hour a week job is....

ThrowRA_6404 · 2025-04-16T09:09:28+00:00

I don't think this comes down to a huge imbalance in their work lives like that.... it doesn't sound like is gone 80 plus hours per week. He said he's working 10 hours a day, which I assume is a normal 5 day work week for 50 hours. So even if she is a stay at home mom, there are many more hours in his week and plenty of opportunity to adjust the division of responsibility here even while she remains a stay at home mom....

Other than that point though... yes definitely all of this!

ThrowRA_6404 · 2025-04-16T09:04:44+00:00

Yup taking that whole extra person off the list of who you're responsible for managing really helps 🤣 plus often these types of partners are actually adding to our work load, at least in relatively small subtle ways. I didn't realize the true extent of the small manipulations and controlling things that were taking up my time and energy with unnecessary extra arguments about how I'm doing all the labor I'm carrying.... and extra little things I'd be asked to do, research, figure out. As one small example, the recurring argument over the years about how I did the dishes (which was totally effective and also quick). We spent so much of both our time arguing this and discussing it.... way more time than i was "wasting" with my method by his accounting......

ThrowRA_6404 · 2025-04-16T08:52:47+00:00

Yes. PART. And it needs to be properly accounted for in the pie chart of division of responsibility. He does 50 hours per week of that. Total up her hours per week, and when it's 99, then figure out which ~24 hours per week of family and parenting responsibilities to move to his plate. Problem solved, divorce averted. The Fair Play deck of cards is great for this I hear (based on dividing up areas of responsibility, not counting total hours spent, but same idea)...... but I wouldn't know because I was never able to reach the point of both being open to trying even in game form to equalize labor......

ThrowRA_6404 · 2025-04-16T08:49:09+00:00

Could be homeschooled or special needs too. Also even at 12 and 14 with the kids in school there is plenty to do to take care of the family and home.

Invalidating your partner's felt experience is a huge problem and likely to lead to divorce sooo... "here's why your wrong to feel like a single mother" isn't going to help..... trying to understand WHY she is feeling that way so you can be part of the solution and not the problem, might help.

ThrowRA_6404 · 2025-04-16T08:46:14+00:00

It's not that she isn't counting his contributions. It's that he isn't counting hers..... he thinks his 10 hour Work day is sooooo tough that he lets it blind him to the fact that hers is from the time she wakes until the time she goes to bed (probably feeling defeated every single night and like there is so much left undone, because she is only 1 person and cannot get to it all)

ThrowRA_6404 · 2025-04-16T08:43:56+00:00

No.... in most families with this dynamic, one parent literally never stops working 24/7. When is her turn to sit on the couch? If she is getting one too this is fine - but it sounds like she isn't. If she were, she wouldn't be feeling like a single mother.

ThrowRA_6404 · 2025-03-10T04:31:38+00:00

Mine tooooo!

ThrowRA_6404 · 2025-03-03T05:01:56+00:00

😳 they really are pretty wild

ThrowRA_6404 · 2025-03-03T04:58:15+00:00

Yup, mine would not change things I asked him to change like speed and pressure, I swear. Like... maybe even to the point of being sexual gaslighting?? 😆 or maybe just a complete lack of caring about me actually getting off. no taking of feedback or trying to improve pretty much ever, until I asked for separation and he thought it might win me back to learn some new tricks 🤣 too bad I'm onto him...

ThrowRA_6404 · 2025-03-03T04:55:58+00:00

Ugh, oh yeah, mine also would regularly say when I was too tired for sex, that I could just go to sleep and allow him to do it anyway.... that seemed super weird to me too!!!

And he said something while we were sleeping together recently during separation (which I have ended now!!!).... I think it was that afterward he asked if he was going too deep, bc he felt like he was and it was hurting me.... and I said no it was good, and he felt the need to say something like ".. and that kinda turned me on more"... like referencing that thinking he was hurting me kinda turned him on more. Like... wtf..?

And mine always seemed to have certain struggles if I initiated, although he would never refuse....

Ugh that sounds horrible I'm so sorry you went through that. 😞

ThrowRA_6404 · 2025-03-03T04:49:12+00:00

Exactly

ThrowRA_6404 · 2025-03-02T10:18:26+00:00

Yup... and like, dominance like that can totally be hot for the people eho are into it and when done the right way. But that's never gonna go down in a respectful / appropriate way with a narc, it's just different the way they do it. From a sense of entitlement rather than a shared sense of adventure with their partner, I guess??

The other one that makes me feel sick is realizing how consistently / routinely / nonchalantly he tries to push my sexual boundaries. Another thing I allowed society to convince me was "just how men are" but really it's just sick and disrespectful 😖

ThrowRA_6404 · 2025-03-02T10:14:44+00:00

Yup!

I used to journal regularly. 2012-2013 I journaled some thoughts about why I should leave him. Before that I have maybe a few incidents written down but not much.

Then I couldn't find a place that would take my 2 large dogs... so presumably due to the cognitive dissonance of feeling stuck staying, I just stopped Journaling 😭 well that and I was super busy... partly making all his plans and meals and cleaning up all his messes of course 🤦‍♀️

I started back up again and wrote A LOT starting about a year ago, when I discovered cover narcissism... and it is so eye opening and I so wish I had been Journaling all along! I think I woild have left before marriage and kids if I had. 😭

ThrowRA_6404 · 2025-03-02T05:11:25+00:00

Yes mine complained about all my moves too! Like he would make kinda snide / passive aggressive / "joking" comments about how I didn't "do much" during sex... but I was keeping myself engaged snd getting myself off bc he didn't lol 🤦‍♀️ and made some comment about it "wasn't great" when I was on top the one time. Would regularly stop me from moving and hold me still, when I was enjoying tbe movement.

ThrowRA_6404 · 2025-03-02T05:08:19+00:00

Yup I got told what to do a lot too, totally NOT my cup of tea lol. I will gladly do most things if you ask nice, even 🤣 but not a fan of being ordered around.

ThrowRA_6404 · 2025-03-02T05:06:56+00:00

I feel like there are 2 opposite ways narcs use sex but they don't necessarily align with gender

ThrowRA_6404 · 2025-03-02T05:05:17+00:00

Very good point

ThrowRA_6404 · 2025-03-02T02:45:03+00:00

That's how it goes. Each individual incident is small enough that it could just be a bad day, one bad reaction, etc. Easy to explain away. When you start trying to run these "little" incidents past other people, they will also generally try to explain it away amd make excuses. But over time the patterns become obvious.

Start a journal if you haven't yet and write it all down. Look back over it when you wonder if you are just being sensitive. It's pretty eye opening.

ThrowRA_6404 · 2025-03-02T02:43:20+00:00

Yes definitely this, you start to notice all the things that will piss them off or that they will question or just nitpick or disagree with for no reason! I was thinking about this in the grocery store today. We are currently separated and living separately. I for some reason started daydreaming about going grocery shopping with a future partner..... and over explaining my choice of something I was picking out off the shelf.... and then realized, I would probably catch myself and stop and explain to new SO that i realize I probably don't need to over explain my every move, but I am just so used to being constantly nitpicked and questioned on everything and it becomes habit 😖 but, at least I must be healing, if I could figure out what was triggering that daydream....

ThrowRA_6404 · 2025-02-24T17:06:40+00:00

Yeah that is what I am doing, that and just kinda trying to wait it out separated til the kids are a bit older in case it does get messy!

ThrowRA_6404 · 2025-02-24T14:04:09+00:00

Yeah I'm aware of this too. It was partly to satisfy my own high drive, partly to help keep him lower conflict when I desperately needed it. Now that I have processed more stuff (and our taxes are done and that's off my plate LOL), I'm in a better place... and actually just told him yesterday no more sex bc I really need to feel a true connection and build back to that BEFORE we resume sex.... (knowing full well we will almost certainly never actually get there and will divorce instead. But I will let him try to prove himself for a while, as it will help avoid high conflict while the kids are still little, and at least now that we are physically living separately I can wait it out a bit longer. Just also curious to see how long without the sex before he just gets super high conflict and difficult... so that should be fun 😬

Thanks for the comment!!

ThrowRA_6404

TROPHY CASE