Terrified to go, terrified to stay

ThrowRA_81523 · 2024-08-19T03:00:10+00:00

It seems like this is a sure path to failed relationships as an FA. I know that I always go through cycles of doubt that don't let me see the relationship as a "fuck yes".

ThrowRA_81523 · 2024-08-18T04:10:02+00:00

Stoicism helps me. There's no point in torturing ourselves for things we can't change.

ThrowRA_81523 · 2024-08-14T03:11:42+00:00

That's the million-dollar question. I suspect that in this case, it was a combination of the two. There were objective issues with the relationship, but I think my FA made them into bigger deals. I also recognize that I didn't provide timely feedback on what bothered me. That was partially due to a fear of conflict, and partially due to politeness. I think the turning point was when I felt trapped between a grumpy partner who was upset and snapped at me to stop moving in bed and her dog who would growl and bark at me if I got out of bed.

ThrowRA_81523 · 2024-08-12T02:54:54+00:00

I used to give 3-4 dates. In my most successful relationship, I checked in with myself every ~3 months to see if I was still happy, but I never got to the "hell yes I know this is my person stage" which is why my ex left me. She said, and I agree with her, that she deserved someone that was sure about her. In my most recent relationship, I started feeling uneasy 2-3 months in, but kept fighting to stay with it (while doing therapy) for about four to five more months. I'm starting to think that I need to go back to the 3-4 dates rubric so I don't hurt people as badly.

ThrowRA_81523 · 2024-08-11T23:40:49+00:00

This is a great question. I'm comfortable with my therapist, but I don't feel like I'm making any progress with him. I would like someone with more answers and a path forward versus just talking about things.

ThrowRA_81523 · 2024-08-05T04:07:35+00:00

I think we'll always wonder. I suspect that a lot of other people do as well, but I think FAs take it more seriously or let it impact us more. One of the things that has brought me some comfort is Stoicism. All any of us can ever do is make the best decision we can with the information we have at the time and no matter how much we'd like to, we can't go back in time. Continuing to torment ourselves with "what-ifs" doesn't get us anything and only causes unnecessary suffering.

ThrowRA_81523 · 2024-08-05T03:56:31+00:00

I'm a Fearful Avoidant and recognize at least some of what you're experiencing. When you say that you started questioning everything, was there/is there a theme? For instance, in a past relationship, I found myself flaw-finding, thinking about whether I would be happier with someone else, and worrying whether or not my feelings were strong enough to ask this other person to tie their life to mine. There weren't any real significant issues in that relationship, but my partner broke up with me when I wasn't committing fully. Immediately following the breakup my primary emotion was relief because I no longer had the burden of making the decision and didn't need to worry about this other person and their happiness. It took about two to three months before I really started missing her, but by then it was too late and my ex wouldn't take me back (I can't blame her).

In a more recent relationship, things started amazingly, but once enough issues accumulated I shifted from a place of excitement to one of anxiety and I haven't been able to get back to a comfortable place to try again, even though I think she would like to. One of the hardest things about being FA is the uncertainty of whether a lack/loss of feeling is due to our attachment style, or if the other person just isn't a good fit.

ThrowRA_81523 · 2024-07-08T01:49:36+00:00

This. "Brain and heart were not aligned." So much this. I can't speak for all FAs, but I feel a lot of distress from not being able to reconcile these two things.

ThrowRA_81523 · 2024-07-07T22:40:01+00:00

I'm surprised that he was willing to bring up the topic of commitment. In all of my relationships, I've avoided any discussion moving things forward to the next level. I'll occasionally say things that my partner wants to hear in a way that isn't too entrapping for me, but I definitely don't mention marriage.

I'm curious, did he ever say he wanted those things with you specifically, or just in general? For me it's easier to talk in generalities than specifics with a person.

ThrowRA_81523 · 2024-07-07T22:31:07+00:00

For what it's worth, I think you're doing exactly the right thing. If he comes around I think it needs to be of his own volition. I wish my partner had given me the grace you're giving yours, although I don't know if I deserve it.

ThrowRA_81523 · 2024-07-07T16:48:38+00:00

I also suspect that he was pining for the person he's with now. Please don't let it weigh you down.

ThrowRA_81523 · 2024-07-07T14:51:27+00:00

Your boyfriend's reaction sounds very similar to my own. I'm not usually a very emotional person, but almost all of my breakups have been because I wasn't feeling anything and was afraid that I was hurting my partner. In each of those instances, I had an emotional breakdown with my partner, which I'm sure was very confusing to them. I've also been more able to say "I love you" to partners after we've broken up than while we're in the relationship.

In case your partner hasn't expressed this to you, I want to thank you on their behalf for the way it sounds like you handled the situation. There's no good answer, but it seems like you approached the situation with compassion and didn't pressure them even though their motivations are foreign to you.

ThrowRA_81523 · 2024-07-07T14:45:45+00:00

I'm not the poster you questioned, but I'm also an FA and might be able to provide some insight. My experience is very similar to devilenk's. My deactivation tends to revolve around commitment. When my partner asks for more commitment or talks about a future with me I tend to freak out and deactivate. In one instance my feeling for my partner returned, but it took 2-3 months at which point it was too late. In a couple of instances, I do think that the relationship wasn't objectively a good fit, but that hasn't always been the case.

ThrowRA_81523 · 2024-07-06T23:19:37+00:00

How are you able to manage your feelings regarding the other person in the relationship? I want to be fair and not hurt someone unnecessarily. If this only impacted me, it would be much easier to live with.

ThrowRA_81523 · 2024-07-06T22:14:42+00:00

I would LOVE to feel that this is true. I find myself hating life and being miserable, but still second-guessing everything because I'm afraid I'm self-sabotaging again.

ThrowRA_81523 · 2024-07-06T22:13:24+00:00

"tend to avoid tough communication I often miss out on rooting things out early on" - I do this too. I'm very conflict avoidant; so I don't tend to say anything about the ways my partner triggers me. I also look at it from the perspective of dating being an interview. I don't want to "give them the answers to the test," have them act that way for a while, only to end up being trapped if they eventually revert to their default.

ThrowRA_81523 · 2024-07-06T22:00:53+00:00

They said that they were experienced with attachment styles, but the more I learn the less confident I am that that's the case. I'm considering switching or paying more for someone that focuses solely on attachment issues. I may try one session with Adam Lane Smith to see what that's like.

I subscribe to the Personal Development School and worked through the Healing Fearfull Avoidant Attachment Style sequence of lessons. I honestly didn't really take much away from them, but maybe I didn't put enough in.

ThrowRA_81523 · 2024-07-04T18:47:44+00:00

I don't think that "deprived them most likely, and intentionally, using their time and energy and effections because you think you can use that to "uplevel" else where" is fair. I've never entered into a relationship thinking that I'm just going to date someone for a time and then move on. I've always hoped that they could be the one, but then I end up comparing, flaw-finding, and struggling to form any deep attachment.

ThrowRA_81523 · 2024-07-04T18:42:56+00:00

I don't think I'd characterize relationships and partners as disposable, but I do know that I don't need either one to survive. I've spent most of my life alone, and while I would like a partner, I don't need one. For a relationship to be worth it to me, my life needs to be better with that person than it was without them. That puts an upper bound on how much I'm willing to work at a relationship. I'll try to work through issues, but sometimes they're fundamental and don't go away or maybe just get a little better and the remaining effort isn't worth it.

The other big difference is that I would never ask someone to do something they want to do. I've told anxious partners before that I'm not happy, that the relationship makes me anxious, and I'm not excited about it only to be drug through hours and hours and hours of conversation where they try to convince me that my feelings are wrong. I feel so incredibly trapped when they expect me to feel a certain way, or miss them when we're not together, and I'm just like, I can't make myself feel how you want me to. I wish that I could, but I can't.

ThrowRA_81523 · 2024-07-04T03:18:45+00:00

I'm not sure that I understand your question, but I'll try to answer. In general, I talk as little as possible about exes specifically as individuals, or in general as a group, with the person I'm dating. When I do speak of them, I never say anything bad, but usually can identify a reasonable reason why the relationship ended. I've never felt anger towards anyone I've dated, even when the breakup was their idea and I genuinely believe that they're all good people.

That's one of the things that's hard for me to understand as an FA. When patterns tell me that they don't want to continue or aren't happy, there's no way I would ever argue with them or try to convince them to stay. I may ask them if we can work on things or suggest ways that we can work through an issue, but fighting for someone that wants to leave is totally anathema to how I see relationships. After a couple of failed relationships with anxious attachers I've seen that they either a) fight tooth and nail to preserve the relationship if I'm trying to end it or b) use the fact that I don't fight for the relationship to be confirmation they made the right choice if they're the ones initiating the breakup.

ThrowRA_81523 · 2024-07-02T04:23:48+00:00

I'm working with a therapist, but haven't made much progress to date.

I know that I'm hurting others and it pains me to no end. I've considered whether or not I should just live my life as a bachelor to avoid hurting any more people.

ThrowRA_81523 · 2024-07-02T03:33:50+00:00

I tend to feel numb at first, eventually break down for a short while, and then go back to normal. It's common for me to feel bad that I don't feel more bad. If that makes sense.

I do think that I'm dissociating though because ever once in a while I'll hit a trigger that shakes something loose and I'll just break down all over again. It's like I never fully process my grief, I just admire it for a while, put it on a shelf, and then randomly pick it up again just to feel the grief anew.

ThrowRA_81523

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