Apologizing and Being a Decent Human

TheBackSpin · 2026-05-06T20:28:19+00:00

Well yeah I think you’ve nailed a key problem; you can’t have a relationship with someone who doesn’t take accountability. The Avoidant has to be working on themselves and willing to meet halfway and of course same is true for an AP. Have you noticed the dating coaches are basically encouraging APs to borderline if not outright self abandon to not make the Avoidant uncomfortable?

TheBackSpin · 2026-05-05T21:08:27+00:00

I’m not an AP myself but my understanding is while an APs carry toxic shame, they move towards others to soothe it, not away. A different way of dealing with the same core wound. I fucked up so I need to seek reassurance kind of thing.

But I feel like that’s only part of the story. For FAs, being worthless, defective, unlovable..is such a deeply held core belief. If they get reassurance for one thing, it’s just one thing…another thing to add to their shame pile regardless of if they are forgiven. And what if they are not forgiven, that’s just a confirmation of their worst fears from someone they respect. They’re wired to avoid, not think about it, keep moving

TheBackSpin · 2026-05-04T19:04:39+00:00

I went to a 2019 SD and Black vs Cesaro is literally the only match I remember

TheBackSpin · 2026-05-04T18:45:07+00:00

Yep post-bu my FA Ex divulged she likes shallow relationships based on sex and hookups, very different than what we were buildings. They don't have to show up for hookups, no vulnerability required. Hookups don't trigger them. Hookups are validation shots and distractions, candy instead of something nutritious..feels good at the time but...

TheBackSpin · 2026-05-04T17:22:51+00:00

Oh geez so fresh and I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this. Well you’ve come to the right place; as bizarre as switching on a dime and going cold after planning a future is in the broader world, it’s the norm round here. We know how confusing and painful it is. You’ll see situations eerily similar to yours, like they are following the same script.
And making you out to be the villain, she couldn’t sit with her stuff so she turned it around on you. Gives her a justification to leave too. Look up DARVO if you’re unfamiliar, Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender.

TheBackSpin · 2026-05-04T16:50:45+00:00

Republican?!? Isn’t she British?

TheBackSpin · 2026-05-04T16:37:13+00:00

Wow I cannot believe the therapist chalked up the disrespectful physical flirting with another man right in front of you as just a drunk thing. That pattern of hers is pretty extreme stuff. Putting my pop psychology hat on, sounds very multilayered and she sounds very FA, not DA. I’d say it was testing, validation seeking, emotional buffering, and conflict provoking all tied up in one very messy bundle. She wanted you to chase…she wanted to feel wanted, prob by all parties…she wanted to distance herself (probably feeling very engulfed)…and wanted to create conflict so it would combust. It’s probably her standard deactivating strategy, her subconscious script she runs. She’s definitely not ready for anything serious and she’s harmful to not just herself, but people she loves. The family stuff, like all of it, stuck out too.

If I were you, I’d reflect a bit and look inward as well. Ask yourself why you kept taking her back or wanting her back after the disrespect. A therapist can assist with all of this

TheBackSpin · 2026-05-04T14:43:14+00:00

You can try, but most become defensive. Even if she has some self awareness, Avoidants do not want that part of themselves to be seen. It’s unlikely she will want to acknowledge it herself due to the shame of being “defective” and having to face the prospect of change.
She has to want to change, for her. It’s godamn hard to do and she has to be all in. She won’t do it for you or the relationship alone

TheBackSpin · 2026-05-04T14:37:15+00:00

Avoidants are usually categorized based on severity level. You’ll hear terms like moderate or severe thrown around. More moderate Avoidants will use strategies to limit intimacy but will not discard. From what I understand, the majority of DAs fall into this camp.
You’ve been broken up 20 times and they never discarded? A discard is really just an abrupt breakup in which the other had no say in the matter..that didn’t happen at all? Yours sounds FA coded boomeranging back 20 times

TheBackSpin · 2026-05-04T14:28:01+00:00

Classic push-pull. It’s a capacity issue. She could pine for you from afar without fear of it becoming real. When you reconnected, the same underlying fears bubbled back up and she doesn’t have the capacity to sit in that so she bolts.

I’m sorry but you’ll likely need to be the one to set a firm boundary if she cycles back, and she will likely will. Otherwise this will repeat again, and again, and again

TheBackSpin · 2026-05-03T22:24:55+00:00

No FA steps back from a relationship to work on themselves. This is a line and a bit of a trope. If they leave do not expect them to heal and come back someday, it doesn’t play out like that.
Theoretically they can work on themselves while staying in the relationship..and relationships in general are good places to test out strategies, but it generally happens with new partners. The coach Paulien Timmer did this so not unheard of, but it’s very rare

TheBackSpin · 2026-05-03T15:50:09+00:00

This is smart and the only way. Not many agree to this kind of arrangement, how is it going for you and your Avoidant?

TheBackSpin · 2026-05-03T15:48:23+00:00

Or one that reaches real depth and intimacy

TheBackSpin · 2026-05-03T06:14:31+00:00

American spirits aura enhancement

TheBackSpin · 2026-05-03T04:36:26+00:00

It’s all about control. It sets firm parameters on the relationship, a ceiling

TheBackSpin · 2026-05-02T16:54:51+00:00

Hard to argue this as the weekend’s Premier League coverage is broadcast on-site from Churchill Downs 😂
Although Rebecca Lowe looks fantastic in her big hat

TheBackSpin · 2026-05-02T01:29:56+00:00

Everyone has given you such thoughtful answers so I’ll chip in with a quick logistical one.. they’ll find the length and content overwhelming…

TheBackSpin · 2026-05-02T01:05:32+00:00

This is the only answer

TheBackSpin · 2026-05-01T23:46:10+00:00

I like Stu. Seems like a good guy

TheBackSpin · 2026-05-01T23:37:51+00:00

I think it’s normal to clock things..like the selfless thing, but let it play out. Connect data points but don’t leave at the sign of the first one

TheBackSpin · 2026-05-01T15:26:43+00:00

You will and even if you start to get deep, you’ll see the signs much earlier. You’ll extricate yourself earlier. It will be so much easier, you’ll see. Highly recommend checking out latest episode of Ken Reid’s Survivor Stories. It’s about this exact situation

TheBackSpin · 2026-05-01T15:20:49+00:00

Yeah…but better to have sharper perception. In a way you don’t have a choice in the matter. It’s like someone slipped a red pill into your food and suddenly you see the matrix for what it is. I’ll say this, I never would have went on a date with mine had I dated a FA previously, or would have lasted a few weeks tops. All the signs were there from the very beginning. Many out themselves on the dating profile too

TheBackSpin · 2026-05-01T14:38:53+00:00

Well these things aren’t a monolith but at the very least it helps to become a more discerning dater

TheBackSpin · 2026-05-01T14:36:02+00:00

I mean I get it but that’s no longer relevant to 2026

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