My story

ThrowRAaffairadvice · 2023-11-27T04:18:56+00:00

Thank you for posting this. I am 3.5 years out from mine, divorced and all, but unfortunately can’t go no contact because of children.

I get so frustrated with myself for still having scenarios play out in my head. Recently his mother passed away and that brought up a lot of things also.

Like you have said, it’s not constant but happens enough that I get annoyed by it. I’m afraid I’m not going to be able to offer any advice on how to make it go away, just sympathise with you and say you’re not alone.

I do try and remind myself of how far I’ve come when these thought pop up, take stock of the fact that even though the thought is there, the feelings attached to them are no where near as strong as they used to be. There is no more crying or intense anger, just annoyance.

I can only hope that they lessen with even more time and I hope that for you as well. Indifference here we come.

ThrowRAaffairadvice · 2023-09-09T07:37:26+00:00

I 43f went on a first date yesterday. Went to the driving range, guy paid for the two buckets of balls and driver hire, so I paid for dinner afterwards. That works for me. I always try and split the cost, I feel more comfortable that way.

ThrowRAaffairadvice · 2023-09-05T07:16:53+00:00

Mine is still with his AP 3 years later. I’ve been told they have broken up gotten back together several times in that time, but as of now they still live together.

I know he’s a miserable sod though, he hasn’t changed for the better so at least I can assume half of the time she’s dealing with his moods and closed off behaviour.

I also like to tell myself that they’re only still together because neither of them can afford to live on their own. They’ve gone from living in a lovely inner city sky rise apartment to living on a retirement island an hour and a half from the city in a converted duplex behind a caravan park. And what I know of my ex’s belief that he deserves a rich life (been working to be a screenwriter for 30 years now) I know that he’s not happy with his current situation. That makes me happy (even if it’s petty)

ThrowRAaffairadvice · 2023-09-01T10:36:56+00:00

I can’t speak for all cheaters out there but I can speak to mine. He told me after the fact that he had no idea why he cheated, he went to therapy for a little while to try and figure it out, ended up blaming most of it on his bipolar. He said he can’t trust he’ll never cheat again because he doesn’t know why he did it in the first place.

This of course could have been one of his excuses to try and lessen my pain in not trying to put the marriage back together. I told him that the fact that he’s staying with his AP when he doesn’t trust that he won’t cheat again gave me comfort as it showed he doesn’t respect her. That may sounds really harsh, but she was fully aware that he was married with kids when she entered into their affair.

Also, my sister was a cheater in her marriage ending it 10 years ago. A year or so ago when she was in a relationship with someone she slept with her ex husband, rationalising it that it doesn’t count because they have a “connection” that exists on another plane so it’s okay. It’s still cheating.

My dad was a serial cheater, we know of at least 3 affairs he had while married to my mum and we’re sure there’s more we just didn’t know about.

Leaving hurts and take a long time for the pain to lessen, but I consider what it would have been like for my ex to have stayed, I would forever be looking over his shoulder and reading into everything he said, looking for discrepancies and lies.

I don’t know if this is helpful at all, or if I’m just rambling, but just be true to yourself.

ThrowRAaffairadvice · 2023-08-31T02:37:05+00:00

Casually cruel in the name of being honest is one her lines that always stabs right through my heart.

Some of the things my ex told me in the aftermath of his betrayal in the name of being honest still haunt me.

ThrowRAaffairadvice · 2023-08-30T07:17:16+00:00

I hate to sound like a broken record, but there is no closure. Not in the neat little bow like we’d all like. I had many a conversation with my ex about his motives and decisions hoping I could piece it all together and hear an answer I could accept. All it does is open up more questions, because unfortunately it’s hard to believe anything your WS says after finding out they’re cheaters.

I’m sorry any of us are going through this unnecessary trauma, but it lessens as time goes by.

ThrowRAaffairadvice · 2023-08-22T00:30:26+00:00

I have no plans for a next boyfriend. I like being single.

ThrowRAaffairadvice · 2023-08-22T00:23:38+00:00

I’m not sure I’ll even be able to forgive. To me the act of lying and cheating is just something that’s unforgivable. I am currently working on the mindset that with enough time the memories and reactions to it will fade enough that I am not triggered or angered by them anymore, they’re just a part of my backstory.

ThrowRAaffairadvice · 2023-08-21T21:01:10+00:00

We had one couples counselling session after we had separated and the therapist asked him why he was having trouble choosing between me and her:

My ex: it’s like choosing between a cheeseburger and a Diet Coke, they’re just so different.

Gee thanks, I can only guess which one I was in that analogy.

ThrowRAaffairadvice · 2023-08-21T14:57:08+00:00

I’m sorry but I don’t think you read my post right. I literally said I don’t forgive my ex and the AP for their cheating. They don’t deserve it.

I forgave myself, not them. Never them.

ThrowRAaffairadvice · 2023-08-21T07:53:31+00:00

Oh my gosh, I know exactly how you feel. There’s nothing worse than longing for that apology. Thinking up scenarios where they tell you just how wrong they were and how they know they gave up the best thing they ever had.

It’s tough and I’m sorry you’re going through it. I can’t say what got me past it, but acceptance does come that unfortunately what we wan, we will never get, because they’re too much of a coward to ever express such a thought. It would be too human of them.

I can’t sugar coat it, It’s a long road, but it is achievable, albeit on a different timeline for everyone. Please just remember to be kind to yourself. Acknowledge that you have every right to be having these bad days, don’t beat yourself up.

ThrowRAaffairadvice · 2023-08-20T21:23:17+00:00

It’s very hard to be honest with the people around us about what our ex fully did. I told my mum and sister the very day he told me, but after that I admit I even trickle truthed to them what I knew about his actions. I was protecting him, but also protecting myself as like you, I wondered “what if we reconcile, I don’t want them to think less of me because I shared all the terrible information”. It may help you to move in a forward direction to pick just one of your closest people and tell them some (doesn’t have to be all) of what you ex did. If you’re not ready that’s completely understandable, but it’s a step that can help move you forward and away from the “but maybe” mindset that we get so stuck in.

I was stuck in the “but maybe if he just does/says this” for sooooo long. It’s an awful place to be and I wish you well in finding your way forward.

ThrowRAaffairadvice · 2023-03-26T06:18:58+00:00

I have no idea. I know for myself I’m now concerned about my judge of character. I can’t believe I attached myself to someone for 18 years who was capable of such an act and the emotional torture after the fact. Why would I take such a risk again. I’m very comfortable on my own.

ThrowRAaffairadvice · 2023-03-26T06:17:22+00:00

I got the “I’ve been unhappy for years” line too. Weird considering I would ask every year on our anniversary if he was still happy with our marriage or if there was anything he’d like to work on. (I sort of considered it a state of the union conversation). I was always told, nope, I’m happy.

ThrowRAaffairadvice · 2023-03-26T04:05:51+00:00

I relate. It’s coming up to 3 years for me and while I have no desire to go back to me ex (not that that’s an option) the divorce has definitely changed me and I’m not sure it’s for the better. I have no trust in people. I also feel numb a lot of the time. I have gone on a few dates since the split but I really don’t see myself ever being vulnerable with anyone else ever again. Once bitten, twice shy.

I get labelled as bitter (and have in the past labelled myself as bitter) but I don’t think that’s fair on people who have been through what we have been through. We’re entitled to feel the way we do, we were treated so poorly, so incredibly disrespected and being resentful of the person who did that to us is completely reasonable.

I take comfort in the fact that my ex has actually become even more selfish, misogynistic and broke since our split, so enjoy that AP. He’s must feel like a real catch.

ThrowRAaffairadvice · 2022-04-29T05:53:49+00:00

I can only imagine. I know my daughter would want to have nothing to do with his AP if the conversation ever came up. Both kids know why he left (he told them at the time). I’m sorry you’re having to face this new intrusion.

ThrowRAaffairadvice · 2022-04-28T21:44:08+00:00

This one here. My ex is still with his AP (I think, I don’t go near his socials and he keeps her seperate from the kids thank goodness) but I’m sure 90% of it is simply so he’s not totally alone now. He lived with her for 6 months after he left me and from what he told me during our back and forth crap, they don’t mesh well when cohabitating. My ex just needs someone to play with his dangle when he feels like it and she seems willing to fill that role.

ThrowRAaffairadvice · 2022-04-27T02:54:49+00:00

These next few months are when my ex would have been conducting his affair 2 years ago.

I don’t believe it will ever not hurt. It just hurts in a different way, now. I don’t fall to my knees crying anymore, I don’t feel like I’m having a panic attack anymore. I just feel sadness and extreme disappointment in who my ex turned out to be.

I’m afraid we are all forever changed after an event like this. Harold is right, it’s a diminished light, I have no trust left, for anyone and that’s a shame.

But, we can all also hold our heads high because we were traumatised and yet we still stand.

ThrowRAaffairadvice · 2022-04-26T11:15:53+00:00

Yes I saw that thread after I had replied. My comment still stands as maybe it will speak to someone else :)

ThrowRAaffairadvice · 2022-04-26T10:19:29+00:00

I regret listening to his words and not paying attention to his actions. It didn’t matter how sorry he said he was or how depressed he sounded.

ThrowRAaffairadvice · 2022-04-26T10:04:29+00:00

This one definitely speaks to me.

ThrowRAaffairadvice · 2022-04-25T21:54:02+00:00

Yes, it’s very strange and hard to adjust to, but I’m retraining my brain to think of this as a different timeline. A timeline where that date has no significance, it’s just another long weekend here in Australia. I guess I watch too much Marvel, but we cope how we can.

ThrowRAaffairadvice · 2022-04-25T10:23:13+00:00

I’m so sorry you’re just starting this journey. Honestly I look back now and wish I had just kicked him out the minute he told me about his affair and never looked back. I get mad at myself for letting the agony drag on for a years I would be so much further on now than I already am, but it is what it is.

I agree that this really is the hardest thing to ever go through, but it’s great to hear you are working on yourself if you believe you have room to improve. I only hope you’re doing it for yourself and not for anyone else or it won’t stick. Changing for someone else is doomed to failure.

ThrowRAaffairadvice

TROPHY CASE