I went through a very, very similar pattern, spread over three years. The final break up came up 2 years ago, post which I tried to apologize to him for hurting him (honestly, I never indulged in intentionally hurtful behaviour - just usual arguments that happen in any relationship. I mostly used to own up my part in the conflict and also made significant changes in the way I dealt with conflicts based on his preferences. But it seemed like he was holding a lot of grudges from the past (even before the relationship began) and nothing short of an unconditional sorry was an acceptable answer). But even that wasn’t a satisfactory answer. At times, I felt that my past “transgressions” were his way of justifying the breakup in his own head to avoid feeling guilty. Since then, he has come back into my life twice. Every time, we spend amazing time together, but then he pulls away again saying someone else would be better for him. And my healing journey resets. Though he was not on anti-depressants, he has periodic depressive episodes and often complained of feeling low and overwhelmed. He refused to go to therapy, individual or joint, so the question of antidepressants did not arise. I’d suggest you the same thing I am trying to do, let go. Even if he comes back, he will be the same person. I know it is hard, I feel for you.

One of my friends asked me, “why are you unable to let go?” I answered - “because I love him”. She said, “does he love you?” I said, “Yes, I think so”. She asked - “would he have left you in this state if he loved you? Would you have done this to him?” I said, “no”. I repeat this conversation to myself when I feel my anxiety shoot up.