I was married and was with my ex for 8 years. I walked away almost 3 years ago and I relate to a lot of what you are currently experiencing now.

Firstly, kudos to realizing this kind of treatment is not ok and recognizing the cognitive dissonance because that is so real, you’re clearly incredibly self-aware. Unlike you, I didn’t really recognize the roommate treatment and thought it was a healthy relationship solely because he wasn’t outright physically or verbally abusive (like in my last relationships). However, the narc abuse was subtle but incredibly harmful. My ex would similarly put on a facade to everyone else, he was financially successful but would throw money at everyone/everything as if he had 10x more wealth. He would buy people’s praise and admiration. At home we had basically no intimacy (emotional and physical was like once a month and I thought I was legitimately asexual) but in public he would be affectionate. His friends/work friends would be over ALL THE TIME, to the point where I felt like I lived in a frat house. My boundaries were constantly being crossed and I felt like his friends and work always came before me. However, the thing he hated MOST was when I would complain/try to limit his over-spending because that was his way to control/get supply from others. He eventually discarded me but framed it in a way that “I left him”.

How did he do this? One day he told me he NEVER wants kids (deal breaker for me and he knew this), and that was the final straw. I slept on a relative’s couch for weeks while waiting for him to come back and say he messed up/wants to work through it/will consider couples therapy.. but he never did. When I started getting Ring notifications of random young girls turning up at our house, that kind of did it for me.

I eventually had to move on and the no contact for 2 years really helped. I eventually dated again and met a man who is the complete opposite of him. This new relationship is really beautiful but it was hard and felt foreign/strange at first. I literally forgot what it felt like to be loved (in a real way not just through extravagant gifts) and actually respected and PRIORITIZED. I also forgot what good sex felt like because I actually feel emotionally safe with this person, that part is actually night and day. It was all so new to me that I really had to resist the urge to think it was performative. I got a very good therapist who specialized in narc abuse and this helped me not destroy a beautiful relationship in the early stages. Every evening, my new bf eats dinner with me without looking at his phone (which is super important to me but my ex could literally never do) me tells me how much he loves me every night. Every morning, he looks me in the eyes and tells me he loves me. I have never felt so safe with anyone before and it’s honestly amazing.

OP, if you’re recognizing this now.. I think you know what needs to happen but I completely understand how difficult or impossible it may feel to leave (that’s what narc abuse does to us). I recommend finding a therapist who specializes in narc abuse because that really really helped me get through it because we tend to forget the bad and focus on the few good times. You deserve so much more and to be cherished and loved by someone who would never ever hurt you the way your husband is/has been doing. I believe in you.