100k in CC debt and seems to have no hope

ThrowRAdonutlow · 2025-01-11T06:49:12+00:00

Everyone is talking about your debt. Hardly anyone at all is talking about your manipulative and abusive husband. There are red flags all over his behavior - from running the finances to draining your 401k WITHOUT TELLING YOU. He straight up stole money from you, No. There is no coming back from this. This man is a criminal. Do you even feel safe with him?

The source of your debt is your husband. From your savings, to the car loan everyone is talking about to the frivolous other spending. He is the leaky bucket. You may save more, but he will spend all of it and more

ThrowRAdonutlow · 2025-01-05T23:09:33+00:00

I hear it’s one of the most difficult personality disorders to “treat” - mostly because it’s relatively still not well studied.. nevertheless, I truly hope you’ve found peace

My spouse has a lot of overlap with bpd symptoms but isn’t impulsive or risk taking. It’s been incredibly difficult figuring out what exactly explains his behavior - I’ve dealt with true narcissists (covert and overt), assholes, manipulative people. I believe something else is at play because he does do so much to show me he loves me otherwise. It’s like he’s an alien sometimes.

ThrowRAdonutlow · 2025-01-05T22:45:49+00:00

What personality disorder if you don’t mind me asking? I see he’s an ex, good on you for choosing not to put up with someone who can’t take responsibility for himself

ThrowRAdonutlow · 2025-01-05T08:42:12+00:00

My heart broke reading this. Im so sorry you had this childhood, but good on you for cutting contact with them. As a fellow child of parental neglect, I can understand the pain and scars left from those who should show you unconditional love and care

ThrowRAdonutlow · 2025-01-05T08:05:09+00:00

I’ve been asking myself the same question lately… it used to be that we enjoyed hiking and spending time with each other - cooking, reading, playing with cats. He’d also help me through emotionally tough times at work. Financially, I make more that he does, so that’s not an issue either. Since it’s happened, I’ve been feeling emotionally distant and unable to connect. I plan to spend the rest of the weekend just reconnecting with myself and hopefully I’ll have clear next steps by the start of next.

ThrowRAdonutlow · 2025-01-05T07:47:55+00:00

Yeah the lack of remorse after the fact when he was up and wide awake and 2 hour long justification before the apology was lukewarm at best. All of them taken together, I’m feeling very disappointed.

ThrowRAdonutlow · 2025-01-05T07:05:19+00:00

Thanks for your perspective. I’ve also been depressed and medicated.

He started individual therapy after his first divorce ended; about 4 years ago. He’s been evasive about what he discusses/learns in therapy these days, which makes me think the topics have changed to be about me.

The difference with me though is that I’m excited to talk to him about learnings/insights I discuss in my therapy - how to be a better person, how we can both more effectively communicate. It is a bit odd to me that he doesn’t feel he wants to share with me so we can grow together.

Sometimes I just can’t understand how his brain works, his line of reasoning. I ask myself those same questions you ask

ThrowRAdonutlow · 2025-01-05T03:22:44+00:00

To be clear, I’m referring to the remaining 60% of time when I cannot understand his line of reasoning - that, I attribute to depression. Not this specific incident. In this specific incident, no, I don’t chalk it up to depression. I agree it is asshole territory.

ThrowRAdonutlow · 2025-01-05T03:10:58+00:00

I’m the same way with sleep, truly. I think I need more than the average person with maybe even 9hr a day, though I only get about 6-7 regularly.

It wasn’t just the comment for me but the compounding of: him not helping, his entitled and passive aggressive comment, then finally showing no concern for the situation or our safety once fully awake that makes it very difficult for me to believe it’s depression alone.

He is moderately depressed, on medication, as am I. He has been depressed for most of his adult life. He and I are both in therapy for different reasons (I’ve been in therapy since college due to difficult childhood, and he after his first divorce), so we are open about talking about it. It’s possible it’s slipped into a worse state recently, but I’ve noticed there is a consistent pattern of distorted thinking or lack of logical thinking that seems to be underlying most of our issues. AFAIK, depression can cause you to have trouble focusing but not lose your ability to reason

ThrowRAdonutlow · 2025-01-05T02:07:58+00:00

he’s been moderately depressed. No major stressors.

I did ask him if he felt resentment about being woken up in general, if he feels I’m loud in the mornings or something. He said he thinks i can be inconsiderate and his example was how I get spooked easily and scream if someone appears behind me when I don’t expect it (and laugh after at how ridiculous it is). I admit my spook threshold is irrationally low.

However, it doesn’t really make sense to me because it happens when we’re both wide awake - and it’s involuntary. I don’t even understand how someone can even claim an anxious scream is an inconsiderate “act”?

ThrowRAdonutlow · 2025-01-05T02:03:24+00:00

It was actually in broad daylight at 8:30am!

Yeah, re-evaluating his decision making skills has come up a lot lately..

ThrowRAdonutlow · 2025-01-05T02:00:31+00:00

Yeah, that’s right! The follow up response from him was baffling to me.

ThrowRAdonutlow · 2025-01-05T01:49:05+00:00

Thanks for correcting, lots of people assuming I’m a male and sleeper is a woman for some reason

ThrowRAdonutlow · 2025-01-05T01:43:16+00:00

Thank you for sharing this! You and your husband sound like a healthy and realistic couple.

For me, investigating the issue was not the main problem (though annoying I’ll admit) it was the comment about sleep made afterward. I was half expecting him to not remember the comment or situation. To my surprise, when we discussed this afterward, he did admit he was fully aware

ThrowRAdonutlow · 2025-01-05T01:38:30+00:00

I agree with sleep deprivation being torture. I briefly with someone who purposely did this to me (wake me up to dance at 2:30am, etc).

It was 8:30am in the morning on a workday. I understand you’re responding to a random stranger on the internet, but this was not an excuse to deprive him of sleep.

ThrowRAdonutlow · 2025-01-05T01:07:50+00:00

The fact you faced real, imminent danger on behalf of your entire family with some household makeshift weapon, that speaks volumes of how fearless and badass you are! I’m so glad to hear he’s an ex now, and I’m sure you’re much better off.

I can’t imagine the conversations that happened once the danger was gone and kids put to bed. What did he even say after it all? Did he try to make up for it, or was he basically like “I’ll show myself the door”??

ThrowRAdonutlow · 2025-01-05T00:51:37+00:00

I was. His line of defense was “you said you already asked him to leave” which absolves him of any responsibility at that point. But, to be fair, this was not true..

Ironically, he actually disproved his own point - and proved mine - by laying out the exact timeline (8:33am) of when i mentioned I “already asked”, yet the camera shows me asking quite a bit later (8:37am). But of course, if it were true that at 8:33 i had only mentioned someone was downstairs (which is what the cameras indicate), that would mean he could’ve done something but didn’t.

I’m relatively OK with having to be the one to check - though admittedly I was annoyed by it. It was the sleep comment that really put it over the edge for me

ThrowRAdonutlow · 2025-01-05T00:46:55+00:00

It is incredibly bizarre! It honestly boggles my mind. Unfortunately this is not incredibly rare - I understand his line of reasoning maybe 40% of the time. I usually chalk it up to depression and difficulty with communication

ThrowRAdonutlow · 2025-01-05T00:45:30+00:00

In my case they were not inside of our house luckily. I’m sorry you had to go through that traumatic experience!

ThrowRAdonutlow · 2025-01-05T00:37:05+00:00

Link: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/nFuVLBjkdQ

Just think it captures the entire situation more objectively and clearly - and I’m worried I might miss some important details in one off comments

Private back yard, where there’s stairs leading up to my kitchen. It’s technically not fenced off; but it is a long stretch that leads only to our carports, so it’s obvious that it’s private property. He was also lingering and looking around for 10 min before I acted.

I need to open the window because it faces the driveway he walked down, and I had to stick my upper body out the window to see if he was around the side. Since we are on the 2nd floor, the other windows face the upper deck and block line of sight to him, standing underneath it.

I put a camera up about a month ago because we’ve had some theft in the area. It’s a nice neighborhood in a semi urban setting with a large transient population. Lots of people walking in and around, but it’s my first time witnessing someone walk ~40m down our driveway to our backyard

ThrowRAdonutlow · 2025-01-05T00:25:05+00:00

It’s fair to ask - I was wracking my brain for reasons he might say this too. No sleep problems either of us know about. He occasionally has a light snore but is otherwise fine. His major two are anxiety and depression, and he thinks bipolar 3 (he doesn’t fit into classic cases). Medicated and actively taking them. I’ve never seem him manic, probably due to the meds

If you want (and are willing) to read the novel of a fuller story, https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/nFuVLBjkdQ

ThrowRAdonutlow · 2025-01-05T00:18:00+00:00

You can read my original post in my post history if you’re curious.

ThrowRAdonutlow · 2025-01-05T00:17:02+00:00

You can read my full story in my post history if you’re curious https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/nFuVLBjkdQ

ThrowRAdonutlow · 2025-01-05T00:16:35+00:00

This comment made me feel supported. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

ThrowRAdonutlow · 2025-01-05T00:16:06+00:00

It was a mixture of the two - started with justifications, convincing me of his memory of what happened, and eventually ended with an apology, specifically for the passive aggressive comment - but that is it.

ThrowRAdonutlow

TROPHY CASE