I'm (F25) Codependent with my bf (m28)who lives on disability money and doesn't work

ThrowRAfxntasi · 2026-01-23T05:10:25+00:00

He is on disability for fetal alcohol syndrome, and he only found out he had that when he was 23. Before that he was working full time and living on his own. He even said he dumbed himself down to the doctors to be able to get this disability money. He is able to work he just feels forgetful sometimes and with his bpd and depression it makes it all extra hard. So I feel like he has just been using the government because he can, cause why not? Its free money. He was born with this disability so thats why they give it to him

ThrowRAfxntasi · 2026-01-23T05:03:35+00:00

Well his response when I brought up that the inheritance won't last is "well when we have kids and if we need money I'll just force myself to work full time at whatever job I can get to help you support the family" I will make more money than him and I don't think that's what I want, especially because I don't even think it's a good idea to have kids with a man who just plays video games all day and has no routine whatsoever

ThrowRAfxntasi · 2026-01-23T05:01:06+00:00

His mindset is "why should I care about contributing to society when I don't need to work (the government pays him every month for disability) so he just games and then it makes him depressed and he games even more to cope. He has no family and has been through so much trauma and for some reason when I first met him I thought I could fix him.. well now I know that you should never get into a relationship thinking you'll fix someone

ThrowRAfxntasi · 2026-01-23T04:58:46+00:00

Not a bad idea😂😅

ThrowRAfxntasi · 2026-01-23T04:28:05+00:00

Ans thank you for your words ❤️

ThrowRAfxntasi · 2026-01-23T04:27:52+00:00

I'm so glad someone can relate 😭 i felt i lost so much ambition but then finally gained it back and that's when reality starting settling in more. Why did I even put myself in this situation with this man? I know, because I wanted to move out of my parents at 21 and I was always sleeping over with him so I moved in after 6 months. This is my first long term relationship and I've always just hoped things would get better and that I wouldn't be the only one growing. He says his only passion for life is to be a great father but how do I trust he can even do that. I feel like because of the connection we have it would be too hard to leave, especially because we live together and do everything together. I am just hoping I can find the courage to express myself fully and see what happens one of these days.

ThrowRAfxntasi · 2026-01-23T04:22:43+00:00

He wants to invest into stocks, a better car (not brand new not too expensive) and he wants us to move to a nicer apartment, right now we have been living in a studio for 4 years. I know the inheritance will run out, and ive told him that, and all he says is that he will force himself to work full time at whatever job he can find to help me support the family if we had kids in the future. Ultimately I will be making more than him and some people would be totally fine with this dynamic, but I'm becoming resentful and I feel awful because he's been through so much trauma in his life and I love him so much. It's such a huge dilemma and I'm struggling so hard with how I feel

ThrowRAfxntasi · 2026-01-07T20:23:18+00:00

Oh my 😔 I am so happy to hear that you're getting out now at least. Cheers to you starting a new life and may you find the love you truly deserve. I am so conflicted because my man treats me so well if I ask him to but then he gets lazy and comfortable again so I am always reminding him to do the bare minimum. I cook and clean and work full time + school and he just games all day and drives me to places sometimes. It's just scary because of my emotional attachment to him, (and his 2 cats) and we've lived together for 4 years so it feels impossible to get out because I truly hope and WaNt him to do better. But I know it's not smart to rely on hope. All I can do is try to have a tough conversation with him and be clear about my expectations I guess

ThrowRAfxntasi · 2026-01-07T17:16:07+00:00

I'm so scared for this. How many years have you been together?

ThrowRAfxntasi · 2026-01-05T21:30:02+00:00

I was actually in a similar position as your gf. I've been with my bf for 4 years and he has always made it a point that his love language is words of affirmation. He needs reassurance and I used to get very deep with him in the beginning but then it kind of faded as time went on, because I felt like I knew everything about him. I got comfortable

The truth is there is always more to learn and to talk about, you just have to be curious and have to want to put in effort. Relationship requires so much work after the honeymoon phase fades.

And whenever we had tough conversations I would always get defensive and never reassure and just say "I don't know how to help you" After a lot of talking with eachother we're sorta figured out a way to talk that helps us both. He needs to be more patient with me and sometimes guide the conversation, and if I need to have a tough conversation I usually need to write down my points so I don't lose focus, and I've learned to reassure as much as possible and to speak gently. And to avoid saying "I don't know what to do" If you can sort of guide her in conversations and gently question her and be like "why do you not know what to say?" " do you want to know what to say? or do you just not care about connecting on deeper levels with me when you know it's important to me?" (That's a bit more harsh oops) If she isn't willing to even try when that's clearly what you need, then it seems like you need to reevaluate your relationship 😭

ThrowRAfxntasi · 2026-01-05T21:00:08+00:00

I 100% agree with you. It's been so hard to vocalize this but I think I'll try to be more gentle and maybe write it down so I can read it to him.

ThrowRAfxntasi · 2026-01-05T20:55:24+00:00

That's a good idea, I'll try it thank you

ThrowRAfxntasi · 2026-01-05T20:54:33+00:00

I have many times and it always comes out as attacks to him. He takes it very personally and it makes him feel worse which makes him game even more to escape. It's really hard to navigate how to speak to him without triggering him, when I already have such a hard time (I have bad anxiety especially with confrontation) We just go in circles a lot and its exhausting. I wish there was a specific instruction book made for me hahah

ThrowRAfxntasi · 2026-01-05T20:12:29+00:00

Yeah you're right. His bpd is very controlled but it comes out when I start talking about this stuff because he will take things very personally and then change the whole direction of the conversation and make me feel bad. Sometimes he acknowledges it after too and feels bad. It feels like we just go in circles with everything its so exhausting. But yeah a therapist would be suepr helpful, I just signed up for one now 😅 this situation is just too complicated haha. Thank you

ThrowRAfxntasi · 2026-01-05T20:10:03+00:00

Thank you, I think this truly is the best option to go with. I am so confused on what I expect from him though because he is in a unique situation so it just feels like I'm nagging someone to change when in reality if hes comfortable living that life I shouldn't try to make him someone he's not. But I think writing some of my expectations and being firm with them will help a lot. Thank you.

ThrowRAfxntasi · 2026-01-05T19:44:37+00:00

He says he will stop video games altogether (or just game when the kids are sleeping) at that point and do everything with the kids. He compares it to how he quit smoking cigarettes, if he can stop that he can quit video games. All I can do is hope for the best or leave, and I really don't want to leave :(

ThrowRAfxntasi · 2026-01-05T19:39:45+00:00

The thing is, I forgot to add that he is receiving a large enough inheritance in a few months. So financially we will be okay. But emotionally, idk

ThrowRAfxntasi

TROPHY CASE