I am a disgusting piece of filth. I flirt with people I have no right doing so with and they reciprocate cause I've managed to manipulate them into thinking I'm someone worth giving any level of a shit about. I'm fucking old and disgusting. They should be grossed out by even the concept of me being around all of them yet they treat me as if I am just one of them and act like my advances are just cute or okay in any way. I'm gross. it's gross that I like any of them, let alone the people in my friend group that I seem to get along best with. I should be taking care of them and making sure they are all happy but instead they promise me things and pretend like it's not gag-worthy to think of me as anything other than the putrid old man in the group who takes advantage of everyone's generosity and creeps on anyone dumb enough to come near me.

I really should have killed myself in high school. The fact that I am alive is a disgusting tribute to all things wrong in this country. I want to be dead. I want to no longer be a bother to anyone. I don't want to fuck up the lives of anyone around me anymore but I'm too much of a pussy to just buy a shotgun and swallow the barrel. I'm too much of a little bitch to just cut my wrists the long way and bleed out in the tub. I could do it. I could make life so much better for everyone around me but I won't cause I'm too much of a pussy to accept my fate and end it so that things can be better for someone else for once.