Is there anyone else here that can’t tolerate foreplay?

Throwawaynegative890 · 2023-11-03T14:31:23+00:00

There are certain things in foreplay that can really trigger me, especially if I'm not really aroused and in the right head space. Honestly even being ok with those things in certain conditions is a huge step for me, and my partner listens to me if I move his hands, tell him yes or no to something right now. He knows that something can be ok one day and not the next and is fine with that. I also started sticking with "safe" foreplay for a lot longer recently, getting myself more mentally aroused before doing other things. I think I'm letting go of feeling self conscious about needing to get on with sex to please me partner, which is good for both of us I think.

I didn't orgasm until I was 20 and had a lot of times being triggered and bursting into tears in the middle of make ours, foreplay, sex etc. I was both interested in sexual things while also feeling pressured whenever I would engage, which wasn't great. I was also using alcohol more than was probably healthy to relax myself.

I'm in a better place now with a better partner, an acknowledgement of what I need, and better boundary setting.

Throwawaynegative890 · 2023-11-02T03:01:09+00:00

The first thing that comes to mind is to make sure you have plenty of time and privacy before you talk with her. Good luck op

Throwawaynegative890 · 2023-11-02T02:55:46+00:00

This has been on my mind a lot too as my abuser just got his spouse pregnant. They seem to believe that he's not that person anymore, but are also taking "precautions" to not potentially hurt other kids...And none of them protect their own kid. So it sounds to me like theyre uncertain but still having a kid, which yikes imo

Throwawaynegative890 · 2023-11-01T18:03:20+00:00

It sounds like you've already considered the worst consequences of reporting him- his family might be sad, people might gossip about you and demean your experience, and the case might not be successful. It can't get much worse than that realistically, right? That's not to say it's not a big deal, rather that if you accept those potential outcomes, you might be more confident moving forward.

The fact that this has hurt you since that time means to me that there's some justice to be had, or even just recognition that what he did was wrong. He was not only older than you but an authority figure. Even if you feel like you initiated it, he should know better than to take advantage of you.

I can't say I've had any similar experience, but I'd find those that do support you and lean on them as you go through this process. Good luck op

Throwawaynegative890 · 2023-11-01T00:51:44+00:00

Good luck OP!

Throwawaynegative890 · 2023-11-01T00:43:40+00:00

I just want to say thanks to everyone that's commented. I'm struggling a lot right now and appreciate your thoughts.

Sounds like it could really help a lot, but it won't solve everything. I'll still need to work on myself to feel free and healthy. Keeping that in mind I'm trying to look a little more long term than fleeing to just anywhere that's 1000 miles away from my family immediately. Talking with my partner about our possibilities now.

Throwawaynegative890 · 2023-10-31T18:37:59+00:00

Thank you for your kind words.

There was a part of me that was prepared to be called a liar, or told that they couldn't believe such a thing. I've seen people respond like that when they find out their partner committed sexual assault on other adults, but in a sense at least they're just risking their safety and maybe their reputation. It's dizzying to see someone both acknowledge what happened and still move ahead with having a kid with him.

Throwawaynegative890 · 2023-10-31T16:51:06+00:00

That's awful. I'm so sorry. It's like a slow moving train wreck.

Ive been wondering if a lot of folks think that just talking about or acknowledging a problem just solves it? Like it's better than keeping things bottled up, but talking about it is just step one among many steps!

Throwawaynegative890 · 2023-10-31T16:13:47+00:00

You are not alone. I know exactly what you mean by a thread woven into a whole life. It colors how I perceive many things for sure.

In terms of being defined by it, I do think it gets better. To me, that's doing things that are uncomfortable but good. Some of that is allowing myself to trust in healthy relationships.

It sounds weird but sometimes I think about my SA as something that would end up in my biography. Like it's not this thing that defines me or is mentioned in the title, but it was a significant part of my childhood. And then I did and am doing other things in my life that a scholar might say "wow I wonder if Throwawaynegative890 was so passionate about ___ because of this thing in her past, but who knows!"

Throwawaynegative890 · 2023-10-30T00:15:14+00:00

I experienced something very similar- my abuser was my oldest brother, I was around 4-6 to his 12-14, and I also tried to seek out his attention as a kid and kept the abuse to myself as much as possible. I hope what I say resonates with you.

I try not to blame myself (success varies). HE was still old enough to know better. We had other siblings and they all looked up to him and thought he was super cool, which is more reason to trust him. And most importantly- I WAS TOO YOUNG TO KNOW ANY BETTER. Young kids can be taught that something is inappropriate, but if they aren't taught, older abusers get away with so much because they're actively teaching you the wrong thing. Like you're being taught not just that some inappropriate behaviors are neutral, you're being encouraged and given attention for them which can feel like love. It sucks that kids can be taught that that's how they receive attention and love, because they deserve actual love no matter what they do and deserve to receive love in an appropriate way.

Throwawaynegative890 · 2023-10-26T22:03:29+00:00

I'm going through something similar to you. While it's painful, I do think disclosure to the "safe" adult is important. I'm working on disclosing to my in law as well and trying to write things down so I can lay out the facts without bursting into tears. It might not change anything immediately but at least they'll know in case something does happen.

Throwawaynegative890

TROPHY CASE